My Dad was and is strong. I also saw Conan as a child. I am from the country, and physical strength is respected where I am from. And all I have ever remembered wanting was to be big, strong, feared and respected.
There is something seriously wrong with me, mentally. I had a very rough childhood and I guess, somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously, I wanted to build myself into something nobody could ever hurt.
I am one of those assholes who always has something to prove, always have been that way for as long as I can remember, and likely will be that way from now on. I am never satisfied with any accomplishment I have made, and strongly want to dominate in every aspect of my life.
One of the most moving things I have ever seen/heard/read, was in the movie I already mentioned above, Conan, in which the narrator is talking while an older Conan is sitting on a throne wearing a crown, and the narrator is talking about how he carved out a kindgom by his own hand. For some reason, I just became convinced that this was what I had to do.
It would be easier for me to give up eating or breathing than to give up the iron game. I love to compete, I love getting stronger, I love the respect that comes with being one of the strongest around, and I absolutely cannot stand the fact that there is anyone else out there who is stronger than me, and therefore I must work harder, smarter, longer is necessary, to become the best.
For this reason I am the absolute worst coach anyone has ever seen. I expect that everyone feels the same way as I do, and they don't. For most people I would be a terrible training partner for the same reason. . . but my training partner is a world class powerlifter, who has the same level of desire I do, and I chase him on squats, and he chases me on bench, and we are both better because of it.
B.