complete life change?

[suk1978]

ok, so here's the score.
i met this girl in the summer from san francisco, we got on really well..too well cos i was going out with someone else at the time. but i broke up with the current girl soon after meeting the SF girl as it no longer felt right.
and since then, me and the SF girl have been e-mailing 2-3 times a week, sending each other packages, cd's drawings etc..calling each other on the phone.. ive basically given up meat cos of her too. basically she's ace. but i live in england and she lives in SF.
i've got a really boring enginnering (well paid) job that i dont like, a house (mortgage) and a dog. so just upping and leaving isnt that straight forward. and then i worry about what if i move over there and we end up falling out after 6 months (i dont exactly have a good relationship record) but then i dont exaclty fall for people that often either and nor does she.
should i go and live over there or should i not? i'm really pro going over and starting a new job career..maybe gym owning or something...the way i see it is i'd rather try and fail than not try and regret it?
im going over in january to see her for the third time ever (first time in SF) and i'll proabably decide then what im gonna do...but i need some views from people outside this bubble im in..i'm generally always sensible and it takes me ages to make a change to my life..any suggestions..?

 

[The_Monster]

Love (or any incarnation thereof) makes the most sensible of us senseless, so youre probably smart to look for people who arent in the midst of this for help.

Stranger things have happened than finding love in someone so far away, so I cant just discount the realness of this out of hand, but something so major requires a bit more thought to be put into it.
A situation like this seems so romantic and "story book" that its very easy to get swept away in it... I loved just hearing it, lol. But the reality is that there is a very good chance that it WONT work out, and if that happens, YOU are the one who is kind of "out in the cold" having left home and country and everyting on this chance.
I think it would be best to find a way to spend more time together for a while, maybe try to find a way to be together for a few weeks at a time and "play house" before taking the plunge.. You need to think rationally and with your head, not your heart before you make a decision this big. Our hearts betray us...
Make sure that if you decide to do this that she understands exactly how big of a decision this is. Dont do it if she is in a delusional state about it and views it as a romantic "movie-esque" type of thing. She should understand that if you are doing this for her, she kind of has a responsibility to you. She needs to put forth an effort equal to the one you are making for her.

If you decide to go through with it, then look at things from a more business sense. Look into how to obtain citizenship, look into working (the economy isnt the best right now, this is an issue you should try and resolve beforehand), and since you dont mention specifically, look into a place to live.

You admit that you dont have a good relationship record, so comapre this to other relationships... are you the type that once they have feelings for someone goes all out and then later things "change" (like as the novelty wears off). Make sure youre doing the right thing for the right reasons, and if you are, then go be happy.

 

[Sassy69]

When you find yourself considering making a hyuge change that isn't really based on any planning or logic, but mostly emotion you have can pursue it, but you need to be very pragmatic in your expectations from those things / people outside yourself that you have no control over (i.e . what the other person is going to bring to the table & be reliable for) and also have a bail out/ plan B so if you do make the big change and it doesn't pan out, you aren't screwed. Also you need to be sure that you are doing this for yourself and that you are satisfied with what you might get out if it. Again if the big change doesn't work as you expected, are you going to feel completely shot down / screwed because you didn't get what you expected and is your precious time on this planet worth that pain & the recover time (including financial, time-wise, effort, emotion, etc) worth it.

Basically NEVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT because if the other person doesn't give in what you give in, then you have done exactly that. Expect great things for yourself, give great things, but don't ever set yourself up to get screwed. Don't give up YOUR control over YOUR life. Ever.

And interestingly, if you run your life that way, if what you thought was "THE" person or "THE" experience doesn't work, another one will drop into your lap because excellent things come to people who are in charge of themselves. They are attractive people that everyone else & every opportunity wants to be around.

(Sorry for soap box drama ... this is my lesson learned ...)

 

[sasharawkz]

Everyone has given solid advice so far....Be sure of who you are and what you want from life. Can you have it in SF if things don't pan out? I always try to plan my life sans girlfriend..in terms of goals and dreams. We've been together now for 2 years and I'm starting to put it all together with her now that my own shit is sorted out. I've never made a leap of faith like the one you are considering, so I can't share my experiences in that regards, but it's easy to become dependant on your partner if you are isolated from all of your own supports and that can be scarey. Make sure you look after your self no matter which path you choose.
best wishes!!!

 

[The_Monster]

Yeah, the most important thing is to make sure you know yourself.
Dont let a partner be the defining thing in your life, be it a man or a woman... never let another person be the thing you need to feel complete. You have to answer to yourself at the end of the day, so life your life in a way that makes it so that you can look that person in the eyes and it will improve your relationships with other people too.
I was raised to be independant. I can cook, clean, sew, you name it, because I never want to have to rely on someone. Stress on the word "HAVE TO".
Relying on someone you love is a wonderful and intimate thing, it draws people closer and there is no feeling like knowing you are with someone you can rely on. But first and foremost you have to be able to rely on YOU.
Your integrity, your ethics, the way you live your life is something that is a reflection of you. Think about if that reflection is one youre proud of?

I know we dont know each other, but if youre the kind of person that "needs" to be with someone or doesnt feel complete without a partner, then you are heading down the road to disaster. Look at your old relationships and see if you can honestly tell why they didnt work out, then use that to decide if youre ready for such a big step as moving to a different country to be with someone.

Judging from what we have heard here so far, I think this big move is a bit premature. You both need time to get to know each other on an every day, good and bad level...
But thats just me.

 

[suk1978]

cheers for the advice guys.
will bear it in mind, Monster, i am so independent it hurts. in fact, i think my own independence and success is what has put other partners off as they feel less of acheivers..you know, i've been a senior civil engineer since i was 24, and owned my own house for 2 years.. i think i may have accomplished a lot of things a bit too young and i maybe need a year out or something. if i had lots of disposable cash i;d look at a 6 month holiday instead!
really grateful for everyones comments though, so thanks again.
will keep you posted