girl and guy situation...advice??

[habitualhealth]

Seems I've been the mediator for a couple I know...I'm looking for helpful advice. Anything you can offer to give a better/different perspective would be awesome.

Situation:

Girl meets guy. Girl and guy are crazy about each other....end up falling in love....and for real in love. The gut-wrenching-i've-gotta-have-love. Girl and guy produce offspring. Both are amazing parents, love their child and each other more than anything. However, too many small "immaturities" caused friction and ended up splitting the two apart. Upon the split, both were in agreeance that time would be needed to sort through things and they would "reconvene" and things would be better. Well, the reconvene part never takes place because he decides he can't "deal" with circumstances (rather weak minded at that point). Easily angered he shuts off to the world she continues time and time again to reach out urging the need for the two to be together. Three years pass, (keep in mind I'm giving the cliff notes version) throughout the three years the two continue talking....hot and cold/ on again off again...emotional and physical. Both know the love is there and is very strong...and both really want to give it a final FOR REAL shot...yet fear of the unknown stands in the way. (doesn't it often?) She asks, he won't give direct response. So to remove herself from the rollercoaster, she tries to date. Finding 2nd date potential being her biggest challenge because she's still "with him"...and then he turns to someone else. (he only dated this one person in 3 years) They live together for about 8 months...he's now angry, bitter, cold, shut off to the world. Knowing the person he is living with, is not who he wants. This was his way of avoiding the situation. She's hurt seeing this, feeling betrayed and such. Now they're worse off than where they started. His relationship ends because...now, 5 years later, he wants to be with said girl/mother of child b/c that's where his heart is....(think cliff notes ladies ). 5 years later...she still wants him as well. They decide they really want to give this a final shot. To really explore the love they feel. What do you think is in store for these two? They've fought back & forth for the past three years they've been apart for a 2nd shot. I'm tapped out on advise to give them. They are both scared, nervous, excited, hopeful, fearful...you can imagine. Can two people in a situation like this really put the past behind them and move on TOGETHER in a healthy relationship? If so, how? Can/do tough times like they've experienced really bring two people closer together or are they doomed forever?

I have been promoting them being together. I mean five years, you know if you love someone or not. And from my point of view, they definitely love each other. I've encouraged honest communication on all aspects as well as positive healing. I'm not Dr. Phil, so I don't have all the answers. I know this was a long read but if you gals have any encouraging words, advice, etc....I would GREATLY appreciate them!

 

[Sassy69]

Get 'em a case of beer & lock them in a hotel room for a week w/ nothing but DVDs of old Leave it to Beaver shows.

 

[Gymgurl]

LOL at Sassy....Well...I'm thinking two things....they better get their asses together, go to counseling and make it work for them and the kids...butit sounds like there has been way to many things that have happend in 5 yrs to make it work....but I could be wrong

 

[Raina]

I think they'd benefit from getting some professional help to learn how to fight fair and to discuss what's going on with each of them in a productive way rather than letting it turn into a fight.

I think people can get back together and sometime time apart can wind up making things better....but it involves 100% dedication from both people and a willingness to really go through hell for a while to sort out the past issues. They can't just start over and pretend nothing happened before, nor can they randomly drag the past in to back up new arguments.

It's not impossible but it takes a lot of work.

 

[*Bunny*]

Wow that's a toughy... I agree with Raina ^^
I will be no help here, IMHO people often don't always end up with the one you love the most...

"It's a bittersweet symphony...this life"

 

[habitualhealth]

Hmmm...all very good points. It's tough being involved in a situation like this. You never really know what to asy and if/when you do say something, will it be the appropriate thing. So many emotions lying out there. Grrrrrrrrrr

Thank you all. I might have to go for a case myself. heh ....I'll have to check...but don't think that's going to fit into my diet plan. heh

Anymore advice you all come up with...feel free to toss my way. Thanks!

 

[Sassy69]

I was trying to be funny w/ that statement because it seems like if they aren't willing to really sit down & deal w/ the issue, the only thing you can do is sit & listen to the ongoing reasons or side-stepping of the issue forever or lock them in a room where they have nothing better to do but get comfortable w/ each other, eventually get so tired of trying to sidestep the issue & just deal w/ it frankly. They are not gettign any younger & their child is not either. Think of the quality of life they are cheating this kid out of by their implied agreement that everything is there to make a go of it except the kahonies to just do it.

I dunno -- as someone who's been preparing for "the next step in life" for so long but not having anythign pan out and now looking at losing the choice of having kids to the inevitability of age, I just want to really beat the livign shit out of people who waffle around for that long because they are too caught up in their emotions to just friggen deal w/ the situation. Whining about it or not dealing with it is just the easy way of putting it off. Guess what? You put it off long enough & before you know it you're sitting at your kid's graduation and it just doesn't matter if daddy lives with mommy anymore because the kid is now moving the hell out the house to get his own life going.

I feel for you because you are tryign to provide counsel to these people who are scared of their own lives and almost in a way, by you offering advice or being there when they "need" someone, you almost become an "enabler" LOL. I dont' mean that in a bad way, because it is hugely giving of you to be there for them like you are, but at some point it is up to them to "commit or bail". (Or the more colorful way, "Shit or get off the pot"...) They are the only ones who can make the commitment or they should just quit whining about it and get on with life. People can't live a perpetual state of uncertaintly like that, either for their own sanity or for the kid's right to a good & decent childhood with both of his damn parents there loving him & loving each other, both by their feelings & by their presence. And its obviously putting strain on you as someone who has taken some of that responsbility for gettign them all to a good place in life. You don't need that shit. You have your own life & goals to deal with. That's pretty damn selfish of your friends.

(exit rant)

 

[habitualhealth]

WOW!!!! Fyi: I knew you were just joshing about the beer and hotel...however, i'm being surrusly furreal when I say, I just may need to do that.

Sass, ya know, you just continually amaze me with your knowledge and wisdom. You so smart gurrrl. As well as all the other women on this site. Raina, I agree with you completely, things of this nature do not come easy...but I do feel that with 100% on BOTH parts it could and would result in a kick a$$ relationship between the two. IMHO: They both need to pick up their skirt and grab their balls and deal with the situation!

Keep it coming! Good stuff.