Happily married people...

[ChefWide]

I'm no longer dieting...........so there Mr. Homemade Spicy Hot NJ salsa pants. So I can eat what I want!! So I'm immune to your culinary kryptonite!! HAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

DRAT! Mutley, lets get out before NYC gets back with her canoli tubes and a jar of astroglide!

 

[wutangnomo]

Marriage is what you make it. I was UNhappy for a while too. Since divorce was not an option for us (not moral or religious - but based on what we wanted for our kid) we did what we needed to in order to make it work. We discussed what made us UNhappy and commited to changing it so that we were both happy. If a person is so concerned with only THEIR happiness and THIER satisfaction, they are probably too self-centered to be successful in marriage anyway.

Twice you've said: "If you can fall in love, then you can fall out of love.", but what you don't get is that I am talking about something much different than just looking at your spouse and sighing about how much you are "in love". Feelings come and go depending on stresses SURROUNDING the r'ship. There have been days when I was positive I hated my husband. But I didn't pack my bags and run off to the next flame looking for "the spark". I told my husband I was UNhappy, we discussed it and corrected the problem. Sometimes we worked for months to get past issues. But we didn't give up - we don't see that as an option.

If you don't have a firm COMMITMENT to the r'ship and to the FAMILY UNIT then of course it is very easy to see greener grass elsewhere and moan about how you just aren't "in love" anymore. Commitment is what makes the difference. Not commited in "I love you as long as it's easy and you make me happy and there's not a cute neighbor who sparks my interest". Commited as in: this is IT. Come what may, I'm not giving up on this r'ship.

What you're basically insinuating is that people who divorce do not have a firm commitment and devotion to one another and their marriage the way you and your husband have. Honey, my best friend is 51. She has been married about 30 years, probably longer then you've lived (or right around your age). She has been working on her marriage problems probably longer then you've been married, which is YEARS! She didn't just pick up her bags and run off to the next flame. The fact that you say this shows that you haven't been married all that long, I'm guessing under 10 years.

She is now getting a divorce, not because she and her husband are not committed to one another and the family unit, but simply because it did not work out. Simple. They BOTH tried their damndest to save their marriage, but it wasn't mean to be. They drifted apart and fell out of love with one another.

Yes, it does happen A LOT where, despite BOTH parties working hard and GIVING IT THEIR ALL to the marriage, that it still does not last. This does not mean they were not as committed as you and your husband are. It just means it was not meant to be.

It is ignorant to assume that anyone who divorces is not committed. That's just flat out wrong.

 

[Smurfy]

Honesty, openness, respect, and a god damn good sense of humor.

 

[EnderJE]

5 years. Communication.

 

[aandd]

What you're basically insinuating is that people who divorce do not have a firm commitment and devotion to one another and their marriage the way you and your husband have. Honey, my best friend is 51. She has been married about 30 years, probably longer then you've lived (or right around your age). She has been working on her marriage problems probably longer then you've been married, which is YEARS! She didn't just pick up her bags and run off to the next flame. The fact that you say this shows that you haven't been married all that long, I'm guessing under 10 years.

She is now getting a divorce, not because she and her husband are not committed to one another and the family unit, but simply because it did not work out. Simple. They BOTH tried their damndest to save their marriage, but it wasn't mean to be. They drifted apart and fell out of love with one another.

Yes, it does happen A LOT where, despite BOTH parties working hard and GIVING IT THEIR ALL to the marriage, that it still does not last. This does not mean they were not as committed as you and your husband are. It just means it was not meant to be.

It is ignorant to assume that anyone who divorces is not committed. That's just flat out wrong.

Well, I would not attribute failure of a marriage to "it wasn't meant to be" or "luck". That implies that you had no choice and leads to the comforting thought that you have no responsibility for the negative consequence.

My point on commitment was that, in all honesty, I felt you were doing a disservice to your parents in calling their success "luck" rather than "hard fucking work" and "commitment to raising their family together". I would think that your parents marriage went far beyond 'luck'.

Beyond that, I'm not saying someone else isn't as commited as *I* am. I'm not judging your friend at all, and would not presume to know the state of your friend's 51 year marriage. To each their own. The topic was what worked in MY marriage. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons. Each person has their opinion of what a "deal breaker" in their marriage is.

Not everyone has my family's motivation. I don't expect them to. I also don't expect everyone to agree with our decisions. In fact, I'm sure most people would regard us as old-fashioned in regards to marriage.

 

[pitbullstl]

......................and back to the original topic.

Unlike Chef, and Frisky (not placing blame or flaming in any way)....I am still married to the mother of my children. She and my kids share an equal standing in the schematics of my priorities..

My kids and wife are the single most important things in my world, none moreso than the other. If you decide to pick sides (children vs. spouse) at some point one or the other............or both will resent you like no other.

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

Good thread QT.

All I can do is observe here........

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

I have gathered that human beings are very complex creatures, and that having a successful marriage amounts to the ability to summon all of one's strengths- physical, mental, and emotional, together for the one they love.

 

[wutangnomo]

Well, I would not attribute failure of a marriage to "it wasn't meant to be" or "luck". That implies that you had no choice and leads to the comforting thought that you have no responsibility for the negative consequence.

Exactly. Some people make wrong decisions, which may take many years to realize or rear its ugly head down the road. This does not mean they don't try hard enough or are not commmited enough, which is what you were saying with your earlier post.

My point on commitment was that, in all honesty, I felt you were doing a disservice to your parents in calling their success "luck" rather than "hard fucking work" and "commitment to raising their family together". I would think that your parents marriage went far beyond 'luck'.

How am I doing my parent's a disservice by saying it's luck? They were arranged. That means they did not know one another before they were wed. You're telling me that's not luck? Of course it is. Luck does not take away from my parent's hard work and commitment. You're saying that "hard fucking work" and "commitment" will supercede any road bumps and incompatibilities between a married couple, which is not always the case. If your husband should cheat on you, become abusive, etc etc amongst who knows what else (always possible), do you think hard work and commitment will resolve all those problems? Fact is many couples go through all this and it just isn't enough. Come back to me when you're 40 or 45 and we'll see.

 

[HiDnGoD]

OK
Luck is very important at first, when meeting someone. I met my wife when she was barely 15. She says she knew then we were meant to be. We dated for a while, I dropped out of school & joined the army. After leaves each year, when we finally got married, she was 2 wks out of H.S. & we'd probably physically been together 5 months & 3 months of that was before I had left.
The next part is critical, I think. We spent the next 2 years alone, in Germany, with no family to interfere. We were forced to lean on each other, communicate, & compromise.
When we had the kid, the next few years were the toughest on our marriage for some of the reasons Frisky mentioned. I was partly selfish, & she didn't know I existed, escept to earn money. We fought, I sulked, she withdrew, we talked, started dating, & here we are.
We compliment each other, meaning we each are what the other is not. We are best friends, & honestly, after my daughter moves on in her life, college, marriage, etc. I cannot wait to be alone with my baby.
Kids are important, but so is your spouse. IMO, in order to give kids proper perspective, you have to help them understand that others are important too. That means, on occasion, leaving the kids with a sitter & going out to dinner, a movie, even getting a hotel room.
So basically, it's about respect, compromise, & hard work.
Together 25 years, married 22.
I love her to death. I cannot breath when I think of her not being with me.