Happily married people...

[jenscats5]

Bottom line is this.... LUCK!

The whole best friends business, communication, dating and really getting to know someone before you take that big step, etc etc are all fine and dandy answers, but it comes down to luck.

How can I say this? Simple. My parents will be going on 50 years together shortly. They were arranged. Never dated before they got hitched. Weren't best friends, let alone friends, before they got married. Married during their late teenage years, yet are still together. None of those others things you guys are saying. Their marriage bond is greater then anyone else I know. That's luck for ya!

Interesting..........what culture is that (re: the arranged marriage)??

 

[Y_lifter]

PS

Also you'd better make sure your Spouse has got your back if you have kids..
Kids are the enemy.

 

[-SD-]

Bottom line is this.... LUCK!

The whole best friends business, communication, dating and really getting to know someone before you take that big step, etc etc are all fine and dandy answers, but it comes down to luck.

How can I say this? Simple. My parents will be going on 50 years together shortly. They were arranged. Never dated before they got hitched. Weren't best friends, let alone friends, before they got married. Married during their late teenage years, yet are still together. None of those others things you guys are saying. Their marriage bond is greater then anyone else I know. That's luck for ya!

Im guessing that this wasnt in America? If not then there is something to be said for the crushing weight of societal expectations concerning marriage. (i.e. arranged marriages in cultures such as asia).
Another way to look at it is that if in America the consequences of divorce were the same from the culture your parents got married in, then arranged marriages wouldnt be out of the question here.

 

[Evil_Frisky]

I think you missed my point completely.

I'm referring to the people who completely IGNORE their spouse as it supposedly benefits the kids. It's one thing to care & nurture kids, etc as you said & I'm certainly not suggesting ignoring the kids to the point of abuse/neglect. But there are people (I've seen them) who take NO interest in their spouse and barely even know they EXIST cuz of the attention they feel they have to show their kids......

No i did get it.. but there are also people who completely igonre their kids because of some new young flesh that enters their lives.

If i had to chose, id take my kids any day of the week. I'd postpone my entire life to cater to them.

And for clarity... ANY new parent can attest that having an infant requires so much attention.. even kids in grade school. Your entire life changes. you go from being able to do what ever you want with your mate to having to attend to the wee ones daily. If you don't have afull time job its different, things can get done earlier..

But like me for instance, Full time job and then I own my own home business so that adds on to it. When I got home, my X was not on the top of my list. It was first my kids, homework feeding, bathing... etc and then him. sometimes by the time I did all of that I was exhausted. Its not my kids fault, and i'd neverb hold them accountable. I have motherly instincts.. and to be quite honest don't feel one bit of guilt about pushing the so to the side to tend to my kids... not now not ever.

When my kids were infants, our sex life suffered alot... of course it did. there were no late night massages or long talks ets because i had a long day at work then had to come home and put in a good 4-6 more hours of cleaning cooking, caring for two others.

Maybe this is a sore subject for me becuase i've witnessed more times than I ever care to, a mother passing over her kids for some fresh meat. It sickens me. god, then kids, then mate.. there is no other order. Either he takes it or leaves it, there is no discussion about it. I owe it to my kids to raise them care for them provide for them. They need me, not 50% of me.. they need 100% of me.

 

[aandd]

Bottom line is this.... LUCK!

The whole best friends business, communication, dating and really getting to know someone before you take that big step, etc etc are all fine and dandy answers, but it comes down to luck.

How can I say this? Simple. My parents will be going on 50 years together shortly. They were arranged. Never dated before they got hitched. Weren't best friends, let alone friends, before they got married. Married during their late teenage years, yet are still together. None of those others things you guys are saying. Their marriage bond is greater then anyone else I know. That's luck for ya!

See, I would say that is commitment. If both parties agree that divorce isn't an option - you MAKE it work. You commit to the marriage and you do what you have to in order to work through issues. Just depends on your value/belief system.

 

[Vicious cycle]

I've been on both sides of that fence. My first marriage ended because of my second one. The thing is when me and my current wife (5 years now) got together, it wasn't all lust and smootches. She was married as well. Our first date was spent basically asking the other why they were there. What went wrong and what would you do to fix it if given another shot at marriage. As far as cheating goes, my wife has clearly defined it.

Cheating is:
"Something you would not want the other person to see, hear or read about."

 

[Evil_Frisky]

If your husband and father of your children acts as simply "some guy", well I guess you would be putting your children first. But if your husband has the same attitude and goals as yourself concerning his children then he will never have to pass them over for "some woman". Moral of the story is pick a spouse who will make a great parent.

Well i'm not with my kids dad anylonger.. of course together we understood the whole process.

now, i'd never tolerate someone who didn't understand.

My kids come first BOTTOM LINE. If the relationship doesn't work.. then oh well, ill move on.

My kids are just that..... kids. My life can begin when the are adults and on their own.. until then they are my universe, my whole being.

 

[-SD-]

But like me for instance, Full time job and then I own my own home business so that adds on to it. When I got home, my X was not on the top of my list.

Was this X your husband and father of your kids?

 

[nycgirl]

See, I would say that is commitment. If both parties agree that divorce isn't an option - you MAKE it work. You commit to the marriage and you do what you have to in order to work through issues. Just depends on your value/belief system.

YEP. I strongly agree. My grandparents were together almost 40 years common law (no license, no ceremony, no ring) and 20 years legally married until death. My parents have been married 39 years and have worked through a lot of issues. I know the day one of them passes on, the other will be right behind. This has shaped my values/beliefs on commitment and marriage.

I don't believe in divorce. Marriage is a committment that should be taken seriously. This is why I am not married and will not get married until I meet someone that I consider to be my partner & friend.

 

[jenscats5]

No i did get it.. but there are also people who completely igonre their kids because of some new young flesh that enters their lives.

If i had to chose, id take my kids any day of the week. I'd postpone my entire life to cater to them.

And for clarity... ANY new parent can attest that having an infant requires so much attention.. even kids in grade school. Your entire life changes. you go from being able to do what ever you want with your mate to having to attend to the wee ones daily. If you don't have afull time job its different, things can get done earlier..

But like me for instance, Full time job and then I own my own home business so that adds on to it. When I got home, my X was not on the top of my list. It was first my kids, homework feeding, bathing... etc and then him. sometimes by the time I did all of that I was exhausted. Its not my kids fault, and i'd neverb hold them accountable. I have motherly instincts.. and to be quite honest don't feel one bit of guilt about pushing the so to the side to tend to my kids... not now not ever.

When my kids were infants, our sex life suffered alot... of course it did. there were no late night massages or long talks ets because i had a long day at work then had to come home and put in a good 4-6 more hours of cleaning cooking, caring for two others.

Maybe this is a sore subject for me becuase i've witnessed more times than I ever care to, a mother passing over her kids for some fresh meat. It sickens me. god, then kids, then mate.. there is no other order. Either he takes it or leaves it, there is no discussion about it. I owe it to my kids to raise them care for them provide for them. They need me, not 50% of me.. they need 100% of me.

Your last paragraph is not what I was referring to either. We can just agree to disagree.......