Happily married people...

[Evil_Frisky]

Was this X your husband and father of your kids?

yes he was


If i deem my self single for ever, f**k it. If the person Im seeing cant understand that no matter what..... NO MATTER. My kids are before them then things just won't work.

I can't now nor ever put someone above them, my flesh, my blood, my responisibility. I mold them to what they will be and I want them to love and nurture and be responsible. If I walk away from them, for what ever reason or what ever time span, no matter how much I or someone may think its importance is.. it influences them.

I've been there, been the kid, and felt the rejection. My promise to myself when I decided that I wanted kids of my own was to NEVER do to them what i had to endure. I won't break that promise nor would i ever subject them to feeling like they are 2nd choice.

I'd die before I did that.

 

[cranny]

For me, I just knew it when I met her. We dated for about 3 mos. then got married. It will be 8 yrs. this mon. It's been great so far. Honestly, I've always been one to say you need to live w/ someone to see how you get along once the bells stop ringing. You're always on your best behavior at first. But for whatever reason it was dif. w/ my wife. Never knew for sure w/ other girls but I did w/ her. Anyway, I would say as others have, definately have similar goals. A sense of humor(life's too fucked up most of the time w/o it). I'm not sure about being similar. She's way more outgoing and willing to take up conversation w/ a stranger than me. We've been a good combination so far.

 

[wutangnomo]

Im guessing that this wasnt in America? If not then there is something to be said for the crushing weight of societal expectations concerning marriage. (i.e. arranged marriages in cultures such as asia).
Another way to look at it is that if in America the consequences of divorce were the same from the culture your parents got married in, then arranged marriages wouldnt be out of the question here.

I agree with your post, but the point is regardless what the situation may be sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't... arranged or not. My parents have been in Canada almost 30 years now, so the whole cultural issue is not as relevent in their case.

As much as two people may be "best friends" and dated forever, etc etc, you just never know. I've got a looonnngg list of married and divorced friends to back this up. My best female friend is in the process of getting divorced. She's been married almost 30 years. Tried to make it work. Was once best friends with her soon to be ex. They just grew apart.

If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love.

 

[awittyusername]

I agree with your post, but the point is regardless what the situation may be sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't... arranged or not. My parents have been in Canada almost 30 years now, so the whole cultural issue is not as relevent in their case.

As much as two people may be "best friends" and dated forever, etc etc, you just never know. I've got a looonnngg list of married and divorced friends to back this up. My best female friend is in the process of getting divorced. She's been married almost 30 years. Tried to make it work. Was once best friends with her soon to be ex. They just grew apart.

If you can fall in love, you can fall out of love.

I will always love you.

 

[DJ_UFO]

If the couple is compatible in character and personality, and the guy has the chance to get an extra adventure once in a while, the marriage can last forever.

 

[wutangnomo]

See, I would say that is commitment. If both parties agree that divorce isn't an option - you MAKE it work. You commit to the marriage and you do what you have to in order to work through issues. Just depends on your value/belief system.

I used to believe this, but I would also have to disagree with this post. I was once there.

I wouldn't say that two people divorce because they did not try hard enough to make it work. I'm not talking about "Hollywood" type marriages that last 6 months to 1 year. I'm talking about the cases in which people have been married 20+ years and it just didn't work out.

Many people choose to remain in UNhappy marriages because they have moral/religious hangups with the divorce path or because they do not want the divorce label/association. Believe me, these people WOULD get divorces if they weren't so ignorant. The difference between these people and those who actually do get divorced is that they simply remain legally married; however, their marriage is just as much over as those who divorced.

If you can fall in love, then you can fall out of love.

 

[wutangnomo]

I will always love you.

lol

Marry me damn you!!

 

[Delinquent]

I disagree here.. I would never a partner before my kids. EVER

sure sooner or later they are gone but as long as they are with me its my responsibility to care for them, love them, understand them and provide for them.

My partner however is an adult who can for the most part live his life with or without me. I would more than openly accept him to join in on the loving, caring and attending to my kids but never in a million years could I ever imagine putting someone above them.

I brought them into this world. Its my responsibility to give them all that I have in me to ensure safety, and security. If i pass them over for some man then who do they have?

You BOTH brought them into the world not just YOU

yes he was


If i deem my self single for ever, f**k it. If the person Im seeing cant understand that no matter what..... NO MATTER. My kids are before them then things just won't work.

I can't now nor ever put someone above them, my flesh, my blood, my responisibility. I mold them to what they will be and I want them to love and nurture and be responsible. If I walk away from them, for what ever reason or what ever time span, no matter how much I or someone may think its importance is.. it influences them.

I've been there, been the kid, and felt the rejection. My promise to myself when I decided that I wanted kids of my own was to NEVER do to them what i had to endure. I won't break that promise nor would i ever subject them to feeling like they are 2nd choice.

I'd die before I did that.

That's pretty fucked up to just push the father away because of the kids. It's kinda like you used him for his sperm them dumped him on the side of the road. Granted I don't know what the reasons were for your separation but if it was because you couldn't share the love you had for your kids with him, then that's just horrible.


It's not about priorities. It's about having the heart and determination to bring a kid into the world so that you both can experience. Then when the time comes for them to move out, you still have each other.

The kids will eventually move on with their lives and you will be.....alone

 

[aandd]

Many people choose to remain in UNhappy marriages because they have moral/religious hangups with the divorce path or because they do not want the divorce label/association.

Marriage is what you make it. I was UNhappy for a while too. Since divorce was not an option for us (not moral or religious - but based on what we wanted for our kid) we did what we needed to in order to make it work. We discussed what made us UNhappy and commited to changing it so that we were both happy. If a person is so concerned with only THEIR happiness and THIER satisfaction, they are probably too self-centered to be successful in marriage anyway.

Twice you've said: "If you can fall in love, then you can fall out of love.", but what you don't get is that I am talking about something much different than just looking at your spouse and sighing about how much you are "in love". Feelings come and go depending on stresses SURROUNDING the r'ship. There have been days when I was positive I hated my husband. But I didn't pack my bags and run off to the next flame looking for "the spark". I told my husband I was UNhappy, we discussed it and corrected the problem. Sometimes we worked for months to get past issues. But we didn't give up - we don't see that as an option.

If you don't have a firm COMMITMENT to the r'ship and to the FAMILY UNIT then of course it is very easy to see greener grass elsewhere and moan about how you just aren't "in love" anymore. Commitment is what makes the difference. Not commited in "I love you as long as it's easy and you make me happy and there's not a cute neighbor who sparks my interest". Commited as in: this is IT. Come what may, I'm not giving up on this r'ship.

 

[Evil_Frisky]

You BOTH brought them into the world not just YOU





That's pretty fucked up to just push the father away because of the kids. It's kinda like you used him for his sperm them dumped him on the side of the road. Granted I don't know what the reasons were for your separation but if it was because you couldn't share the love you had for your kids with him, then that's just horrible.


It's not about priorities. It's about having the heart and determination to bring a kid into the world so that you both can experience. Then when the time comes for them to move out, you still have each other.

The kids will eventually move on with their lives and you will be.....alone

....... My first comment was for FUTURE partner. I am not currently with My childrens father!

Our Seperation had nothing to do with OUR kids. We both had the same mindset about who came first.

I didn't abandon him.. not at all. But given the choice, had he been selfish i'd choose my kids any day.

My point was that you shouldn't put your kids after your spouse. If that said spouse is so selfish that he/she can't reconize the fact that an infant/child requires more attention than an adult and can't accept the fact that 'alone' time comes after the kids are tended to. Then sorry, he has no place in my life.

I have responsibiliities.. and with my particular X he knew where I stood on priorities before we had our first child. He knew it would take away from his and our time and that it would impact our lives alot. Would I take a minute of it back.. hell no. MY kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me, there is nothing now nor ever that could amt to what they have taught me.

I may sound like a cold hearted bitch.. and oh well. Not sure if you have kids. If you do, I hope they are top of your list and that you and your spouse both agree that they are both of YOUR responsibility.. what is putting off 18 years to give 100% to somenone you brought into this world? so yea.. you can't do the little things that youdid when you were courting.. that is all to come in time.

It takes a very strong relationship, lots of love and understanding to put aside the selfish manners and allow yourself to be put second in someones life. A family is not just born, its built and maintained. Its not easy to keep it all organized and keep everyone happy, there has to be priorities.. anyone that I am associated with knows where mine are. I've never had a problem with that, I make sure its known from the beginning.

your last comment about being alone... If my partner can't understand me wanting to give to my kids and to devote myself to them then yes I will be alone. My kids will be with me forever. My family ties run thick, i guess i'm different than most here. And I actually have kids and have been in that particular situation of being pushed aside for the new 'woman'. Sorry.. I can't and won't put my kids thru that. If I die a lonely woman then yes I brought it all upon myself but I'd rather die lonely then to ever have my kids feel the way I felt growing up.