Maybe you ladies can give me some insight

[jenscats5]

Oh and what she's doing sounds to me like a passive-agressive response to what she feels is "control" issues over her eating habits. She feels pressured to do X and her eating junk is a passive-agressive response.

If she truly wants to make changes in her life - some time in counseling with someone who specializes in food issues/eating disorders may help her find her way.

 

[vachelle72]

You're all making very good points which are essentially true. With regard to how she feels about the fact that I'm always in shape and she isn't, it's difficult to say, but I'd speculate this: It's bothers her, but just not enough to make any major steps towards doing anything about it. By her own admission, she has no will power. Or, it could be that, like I said, she just simply takes it for granted and doesn't think anything of it. I'd say it's the former, though.

As far as I know, there hasn't been anything in her life that would have resulted in a sudden change of attitude. I just think she had some major metabolic change when she was about 30 and it's gone down hill ever since.

Daisy Girl,

You are absolutely right. If she doesn't want it, not all the wanting in the world from me will make it happen. I see it every day in my business. Which kind of makes it worse. As if my clients didn't irritate me enough with their lack of will power.

Let me ask this now, is there some resonable expectation that I should have with regard to her? I mean, she probably expects me to be in shape. That being said, is it unfair for me to want the same thing from her?

As Daisy said , she will make the change when she is REALLY ready to make it.

And it is not unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who takes pride in their health as you do , and it is a HEALTH issue. Does she think that you are trying to make her into some "Playboy Bunny" , or that you want to see her change her eating habits and start to exercise for her own well being ?

I meet my boyfiend/fiance at 200lbs+ , and he loves every sq inch of me , but I made the decision not be this way anymore , and his encouragement from the side lines has helped me , because I know that he wants me to be HEALTHY , so we can have many years together , and not loose the weight to fullfil a "Baywatch Babe" fantasy

But ultimately , you have to decide what you are willing and not willing to deal with. Do not waste years with someone who may never change and carry around that disappoint and anger , life is to short !

 

[Swole_2112]

Vachelle72,

When your boyfriend encouraged your goals, did he wait until you set those goals or did he try to passively guide you toward the idea?

Also, my fiancee' has already made the decision on her own. She's asked me to train her. She watches what she eats 75-80% of the time. My question is, at what point, if any, should I "remind" her that she is straying from the path that she's choosen?

 

[Daisy_Girl]

It is a tricky tricky thing to train the person you love - nobody takes perceived criticism from their loved ones very well. ESPECIALLY when it comes to their body or looks. That is something I would NOT want to be a part of. Too much room for anger, frustration, and passive-aggressiveness (as Jen pointed out).

I would tell her you will have someone ELSE train her and plan her diet - you are simply too emotionally involved in this.

I do not think an expectation of "keeping yourself up" is necessarily BAD - but, committing to marriage is for better or worse... NOT only for the trim and in shape. When you commit to someone, you are committing to their faults, faults that are in the now and in the future. If you cannot accept their faults, then you cannot commit to them.

 

[vachelle72]

Vachelle72,

When your boyfriend encouraged your goals, did he wait until you set those goals or did he try to passively guide you toward the idea?

Also, my fiancee' has already made the decision on her own. She's asked me to train her. She watches what she eats 75-80% of the time. My question is, at what point, if any, should I "remind" her that she is straying from the path that she's choosen?

When I decided to make the change , I knew I did not have the will power to do it alone , so I enlisted his help. I discussed my plan with him , and asked that he let me follow this path and stumble without "harping" on me every step of the way. But with that said , I asked that if he see's that I have "fallen" off the wagon , that he had permission to do what it takes to make sure I get back on the right path. I told him I wouldn't like , and I would probably be mad , but I would get over it and be grateful that he did it , and I am.

So if she has asked for your help , than she wants it , and she will probably get upset with you if you say anything , but understand it is the pressure of the "process" talking. You know personally and professionally how hard this is , and frustration causes anger. Let her stumble , and see if she picks herself up , if she doesn't than lend a helping hand As she get's used to the new lifestyle , things will become easier and that 75-80% will be in the 90's soon enough

I hope that helps

 

[Gymgurl]

I'll be 40 really soon.....(yikes)

what does she weigh and how tall is she

 

[nikkita]

I think there is a fine line between offering support and starting to give pressure, because then we question whether the expectations are yours or hers.
It is good to have a boyfriend that supports and offers help because he cares, but you are setting mental goals for what you want her to be, what you want her to attain. Believe me that any person would find difficult to meet others' mental expectations.
You say you are a personal trainer and that she was already overweight when you met her. Are you trying to change her?
People respond to different types of support. Maybe she needs a different support from you. And every action has its reaction, the fact that you say that you're not attracted to her anymore, makes me think that even if you have not said anything to her, he already knows that and think that even when she struggles you'll not accept her so she eats more or whatever, you get it, it's like a vicious circle.
I know that sometimes it is difficult to stop wanting to control everything, and wanting to control other person in whatever aspect is not loving them.

 

[Swole_2112]

Perhaps I was to harsh when I said I wasn't attracted to her anymore. When I first typed this I was pretty irritated with her. I would just like to see her make some changes in her life. Now, I'd be lying if I said there were no selfish reasons behind my want for these changes, but they would also be for her benefit. I don't expect her to become a super model. Even the effort goes a long way with me.

Gym Girl,

I know this is suprising to hear, but she's 5' 4", 224 lbs. I should mention that recently her doctors begun to suspect that she has a thyroid disorder. Very recently. Even though, I think she's had a thyroid disorder for quite some time.

 

[Quadsweeps Sister]

Vachelle72,

When your boyfriend encouraged your goals, did he wait until you set those goals or did he try to passively guide you toward the idea?

Also, my fiancee' has already made the decision on her own. She's asked me to train her. She watches what she eats 75-80% of the time. My question is, at what point, if any, should I "remind" her that she is straying from the path that she's choosen?

I would also say "Don't Train Her". My boyfriend and I have stopped training together as it caused too many problems. Our relationship is much better when we don't. It gives each person some time to do something just for them. I am however all for taking walks together, hiking or any outdoor activity. That is a bit more relaxing and it isn't as if you are directing her or judging in any way.

Trust me - she is saying "Train me" to please you. Obviously she loves you and cares how you feel about how she looks or she wouldn't have asked. IMO - there is something deeper here and she just can't verbalize what she is feeling or like another said, maybe she truly is happy with the way she is. It would be 'healthier' to at least be active and have better nutrition, but again that is something she is going to have to find for herself. You could probably handle the nutrition if you live together and try to make cooking and meal planning enjoyable and healthy. At least thats part of it. Take care.
__________________
Mythicwrld

"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."

 

[Swole_2112]

A few final comments:

Everything all of you have said have caused me to realize a couple of things. First, I need to lend her unpressuring support from the sidelines. When she does go to me for more active support, I'll be there. Second, all the things that attracted me to her in the first place had nothing to do with her weight. This has kind of caused me to revisit all of the originals. Know what I mean?

BTW, if any of the other guys heard me talking like this, I'd be branded a wuss. I know I can trust you ladies to keep it to yourselves. LOL