Maybe you ladies can give me some insight

[Swole_2112]

My GF really needs to loose weight. I'm not even physically attracted to her anymore. She had started a diet and was doing pretty well. The weight was comming off slowly but surely. I was very impressed and proud of her. But, lately, and for the second time in the last three or so months, she's kind of come off the wagon and gone back to eating however she wants. I am very angery and disappointed with her. She says, every once in a while, that she needs to lose weight, but deep down I don't think it bothers her that much. After all, if it really bothered her enough, she wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. Anyway, I don't know what to do, but I am just about fed up with trying to help her. So, what do you all think? I'd appreciate any advice you all can give me.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

She has to really want to do it for herself. You putting any kind of presure on her is not going to help at all. If she fall of the wagon she needs to dust herself off and get back on. Best bet is for her to plan her cheats have a once a week meal where she can eat whatever she wants.

 

[herdus33]

yeah i think superqt4u2nv has the right idea......its always a good way to think you're cheating your diet........

but how long have you been with ur gf......she might be to the stage when they just done care......like when they can depend on you to be there forever....no matter what??.....just wonderin

 

[Swole_2112]

We've been together for 2+ years. I should actually be refering to her as my fiancee' since we're engaged. And, yes, you are absolutely right about trying to put pressure on her to not fall off the wagon. That I've learned, but still don't always adhere to.

With regard to the once per week cheat meal, we already do that. Yet, today she had stuffing this morning with her breakfast, then chips later on in the day, then some more stuffing at about 11 at night. I was pretty angry.

I've gotta admit, I love her no matter what. But, I really feel as though I'm being taken for granted, here. I'm 5' 10", 210 lbs, 12% BF. I'm willing to bet that if I started to get fat, she wouldn't car for it to much. She'd probably even say something. I'm in good shape and I think I look pretty good, but she... well, you know. It's as though she could care less about looking good for me. I know it doesn't sound very good, and I even feel like an ass as I type it, but I can't deny it.

Even when she was really sticking to her diet, she was still over weight, but that didn't matter nearlly as much to me because she was trying. The effort went a long way with me. Like I said, I was impressed and very proud that she was really sticking with it. Being that I'm a personal trainer, I know the value and worth of persistence. For so many reasons, I'd hate to see her go back to her old habits. Know what I mean?

BTW, she's 40.

 

[Sassy69]

LOL BTW she's 40.

Especially when you are following a concentrated clean diet for a while, sometimes you just get sick of it and need a break. The pressure of feeling like you can't eat something, even a small taste, can start to drive you nuts. Me personally, I'm also 40, I go thru phases and always have. I just notice it more since I started competition BB. I can eat religiously clean for months on end, and then I just can't take it and pretty much don't give a shit. You just go thru phases. Other people giving you comments about it doesn't help it either.

Aside from the phase thing, has she had any change in her regular daily life that might've triggered the change? I.e. more stress at work? Stress of being engaged??? Stress of trying to keep up with you? You might ask her if there's anythign she's noticed since the change in the diet that might've caused it.

If not, then I'd suggest do what you can to keep her occupied, e.g. try a new lifting routine, go out for walks, ride a bike, whatever -- the things that you can do together that might keep her more occupied and less likely to start munching.

Hope that helps & good luck!
Congrats on the engagment BTW!

 

[mermaid]

For many people food is the only thing they can control in their lives. When you think about it, as an adult, no one else apart from yourself really chooses what to put in your mouth.

My ex partner was a fitness fiend and he was in great shape all the time. While we were together he got fitter and I got fatter, as I did not share his love of sport. When he told me that he still loved me but did not find me attractive at 155 pounds, I was scared of losing him so started to go to the gym.

Things went well at first, but took his encouragement for patronisation and would sneak out for KFC, Burger King etc just to "spite" him and sabotage my progress. I became a secret eater. It was a way of saying "you're not in control of me".

I did eventually lose the weight but the relationship didn't improve funnily enough (there were other issues) and with my new found confidence, I left him for someone else (my husband). I've since put all that weight on and more.

There is no one on this earth that can make me shape up except for myself. A light went off in my head literally 4 weeks ago and I have found the right track. I am finding it difficult, but have already lost 5 pounds and more inches. I am in control of my body, in a positive way, for the first time in my life.

Now, I'm not saying that this applies to your fiancee. But maybe try to think about it from another perspective. You're in shape, always, it's your vocation. She's not. How does that make her feel?

My $0.02.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

My GF really needs to loose weight. I'm not even physically attracted to her anymore. She had started a diet and was doing pretty well. The weight was comming off slowly but surely. I was very impressed and proud of her. But, lately, and for the second time in the last three or so months, she's kind of come off the wagon and gone back to eating however she wants. I am very angery and disappointed with her. She says, every once in a while, that she needs to lose weight, but deep down I don't think it bothers her that much. After all, if it really bothered her enough, she wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. Anyway, I don't know what to do, but I am just about fed up with trying to help her. So, what do you all think? I'd appreciate any advice you all can give me.

It is her body and her life - if she wants to do it she will. All the "disappointment and anger" from you will not help. You can't help someone who doesn't want the help.

 

[Miss24k]

Maybe she is happy just the way she is.

Was she this weight when you started dating?

 

[Swole_2112]

You're all making very good points which are essentially true. With regard to how she feels about the fact that I'm always in shape and she isn't, it's difficult to say, but I'd speculate this: It's bothers her, but just not enough to make any major steps towards doing anything about it. By her own admission, she has no will power. Or, it could be that, like I said, she just simply takes it for granted and doesn't think anything of it. I'd say it's the former, though.

As far as I know, there hasn't been anything in her life that would have resulted in a sudden change of attitude. I just think she had some major metabolic change when she was about 30 and it's gone down hill ever since.

Daisy Girl,

You are absolutely right. If she doesn't want it, not all the wanting in the world from me will make it happen. I see it every day in my business. Which kind of makes it worse. As if my clients didn't irritate me enough with their lack of will power.

Let me ask this now, is there some resonable expectation that I should have with regard to her? I mean, she probably expects me to be in shape. That being said, is it unfair for me to want the same thing from her?

 

[jenscats5]

If you're having these issues before marriage - ie control issues, attractive-ness issues, etc - then I'd suggest NOT going thru with the marriage......There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be attractive to you - but if she was like this all along - then you can't change her or force her to change. Maybe you need to find a woman you are more compatible with?

Being 40 is not an excuse to "let yourself go." But as the other ladies said - she has to want it & do it for herself. You pressuring her - whether consciously or unconsiously - will not change her mind. she has to do it for herself.