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Yes, we are having difficulties to say the least. Has she at this very moment while emotionally unstable made a choice that she would rather be with this other guy and love him? Yes. Have I made a choice in the same emotional state to love her, care for her, etc like I have written? Yes.
Has the professional counselor with many, many years of experience told both of us not to do that and to give the therapy a chance to work? Not with the ultimate goal of reconcilliation or a permanent parting of the ways, but to unlearn our bad behaviour and become better people and better parents? Yes, she has.
Have we both been given the requirements to follow? Yes.
They are:
She must dump said dude because she is not being fair to him, me or the kids, least of all herself
remain celibate period
Not to party
Not to look
Not to go out every chance we get
among some of them
The idea of the therapy is that she will bring us together for joint sessions throughout and that along with our interactions will start to build back the trust, allow time for the walls to come down and for each of us to see the other person in a different light where we are better than we were before.
Does this mean she will suddenly have a feeling for me and we can start reconciling? No, it is a chance/risk that it will happen. There are no gaurantees.
Does this mean that I will suddenly choose not to love her anymore? See paragraph above.
In the end the counselor has told us both that when each person does their part 100% to become a better person that the couple always reunites. However, again there are no gaurantees and with a bf in the background (unless dumped) it makes it that much harder on her to see with unbiased eyes and for me to remain emotionally unbiased.
But at this point I love her because I choose to. She acknowledges that it can work and that the potential for greatness is there, but she points out that is this what she wants? What if staying with the other guy just as great? Well, I agree with her, but you never know and that is why choosing to love someone is a risk of unparalled proportion. This is also why she has been tasked with cutting the ties with this guy. So she can make a level headed decision about working it out or staying the course for herself, not for someone else which will end up preventing her from achieving her goals.
I know all of this and I still choose to love her. Why? Because it is the right thing for me and I do not go down without a fight. Do I recognize the imminent loss of the battle? Yes, I do. But that is the risk I am taking in fighting a battle with a 99% chance of loss. Because the reward of her love being given to me is worth it. I have put a time limit on the process and unless there is some sort of improvement, I will have to concede the battle to her. I do not see it as a failure or a loss, but something that was worth my energy and time and hers.
Does anyone out there understand this? I don't know. Do I know that some that have posted on my threads have some serious issues and self esteem problems? Hell yes. It seems that because I choose to love her I am not allowed to be angry are upset with her and her actions. Why? The world is not sugar coated and no matter how perfect a couple is they will fight and be angry and get upset.
I write here my feelings at the moment. I am not looking for approval nor dissapproval. But if someone writes a response that is well thought out and articulated and it makes sense I will consider it. But what I won't consider is self-rightousness, arrogance, name calling, ASS U Mptions and more.
Take my posts read and reply, but do not think for one second that you can presume to know me well enough as to know whether I degrade women, hate them, am psycho, control freak, OCD or what ever. I have my isssues and I am working on them with the counselor just as the wife is working on hers.
We both stand to gain a lot and lose a lot that is why we are in counseling.
Has the professional counselor with many, many years of experience told both of us not to do that and to give the therapy a chance to work? Not with the ultimate goal of reconcilliation or a permanent parting of the ways, but to unlearn our bad behaviour and become better people and better parents? Yes, she has.
Have we both been given the requirements to follow? Yes.
They are:
She must dump said dude because she is not being fair to him, me or the kids, least of all herself
remain celibate period
Not to party
Not to look
Not to go out every chance we get
among some of them
The idea of the therapy is that she will bring us together for joint sessions throughout and that along with our interactions will start to build back the trust, allow time for the walls to come down and for each of us to see the other person in a different light where we are better than we were before.
Does this mean she will suddenly have a feeling for me and we can start reconciling? No, it is a chance/risk that it will happen. There are no gaurantees.
Does this mean that I will suddenly choose not to love her anymore? See paragraph above.
In the end the counselor has told us both that when each person does their part 100% to become a better person that the couple always reunites. However, again there are no gaurantees and with a bf in the background (unless dumped) it makes it that much harder on her to see with unbiased eyes and for me to remain emotionally unbiased.
But at this point I love her because I choose to. She acknowledges that it can work and that the potential for greatness is there, but she points out that is this what she wants? What if staying with the other guy just as great? Well, I agree with her, but you never know and that is why choosing to love someone is a risk of unparalled proportion. This is also why she has been tasked with cutting the ties with this guy. So she can make a level headed decision about working it out or staying the course for herself, not for someone else which will end up preventing her from achieving her goals.
I know all of this and I still choose to love her. Why? Because it is the right thing for me and I do not go down without a fight. Do I recognize the imminent loss of the battle? Yes, I do. But that is the risk I am taking in fighting a battle with a 99% chance of loss. Because the reward of her love being given to me is worth it. I have put a time limit on the process and unless there is some sort of improvement, I will have to concede the battle to her. I do not see it as a failure or a loss, but something that was worth my energy and time and hers.
Does anyone out there understand this? I don't know. Do I know that some that have posted on my threads have some serious issues and self esteem problems? Hell yes. It seems that because I choose to love her I am not allowed to be angry are upset with her and her actions. Why? The world is not sugar coated and no matter how perfect a couple is they will fight and be angry and get upset.
I write here my feelings at the moment. I am not looking for approval nor dissapproval. But if someone writes a response that is well thought out and articulated and it makes sense I will consider it. But what I won't consider is self-rightousness, arrogance, name calling, ASS U Mptions and more.
Take my posts read and reply, but do not think for one second that you can presume to know me well enough as to know whether I degrade women, hate them, am psycho, control freak, OCD or what ever. I have my isssues and I am working on them with the counselor just as the wife is working on hers.
We both stand to gain a lot and lose a lot that is why we are in counseling.
