I want another man's wife

[Snarf]

I have found myself in a frustrating situation and I am not sure how to fix it. For almost 10 years now, I have worked with a woman who I have liked. We only ended up seeing eachother at business functions 2-3 times a year, but each time we would really hit it off and do some innocent flirting. In fact, there was a company rumor going around that we were having an affair becuase we were always hanging out, but we were not fooling around.

About 3 months ago, I moved and now she works for me and lives about 10 minutes from me. We are now spending a lot more time together and often go on business trips together to resorts where you can't help but have fun. The tension between us has been growing and so has the flirting. We both acknowledged that we have feelings for eachother but have set up some boundaries that seem to work. The only time we crossed this boundary was when she asked me to see how her breast implants felt. I felt them through her shirt and it wasn't really very sexual, but I shouldn't have done it (I am weak).

We are both married. I don't want to leave my wife and I do love her. I think this girl feels the same way about her husband. We both have 2 kids.

The problem is that I can't stop thinking about her. It is driving me crazy. I still love my wife, but after a few days on a trip with this girl, I am a complete mess for a week because all I do is think about her, fantasize about her, etc. I try to limit my contact with her somewhat, but there is only so much I can do. And, I like spending time with her. I don't think I will "slip" and end up sleeping with her becuase we both realize that is a bad idea. I just can't get her off my mind. It is negatively affecting my marriage because I am distant to my wife after I spend time with this girl, or if we fight, I end up thinking I wouldn't be fighting about this with this other woman.

Any ideas? I don't think this is just a temparary crush becuase I have known her for 10 years. I actually think I am in love with her. I can't quit my job, I can't fire her, I have to see her for my work. And, I can't get her out of my mind.

 

[javaguru]

The grass is always greener, you have no idea what it's truly like to be ionvolved with this woman. It sounds like you are unhappy with your marriage and should probably try to work that out. If your desire to be with her is so overwhelming get a divorce first.

 

[H_T_]

if you do something like that, think of the consequences. think of the misery you will cause.

 

[BUBBLES]

The grass is always greener, you have no idea what it's truly like to be ionvolved with this woman. It sounds like you are unhappy with your marriage and should probably try to work that out. If your desire to be with her is so overwhelming get a divorce first.

How did you gather that he is unhappy with his wife?

My advise is fire her and cut all contact with this fantasy woman if you want to save your family. You are a D@#KH#$D for doing that to your wife and child. People like you who cannot control their dick, fuck up not only their own marriage but some other guys marriage. DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR that woman's husband?

If I could I would bash the shit out of you and pull your fingernails off.

Someone hand me a baseball bat please....

 

[javaguru]

I've never met a truly happily married man who seriously entertained the idea of an affair. I saw no indication in his post he is a serial cheater or even has a history of cheating. That means there is SOMETHING wrong in the marriage, this woman sparks something he is missing, even if it's the excitement of something new.

 

[H_T_]

fucked up thing to do to your kids, to get a divorce cuz you want some pussy.

 

[annabelletx]

I've never met a truly happily married man who seriously entertained the idea of an affair. I saw no indication in his post he is a serial cheater or even has a history of cheating. That means there is SOMETHING wrong in the marriage, this woman sparks something he is missing, even if it's the excitement of something new.

what he said

 

[Snarf]

I knew I would catch some heat from this post and I guess I deserve it. But I do want to clarify a couple of things:

1. I do love my wife and while our marriage isn't perfect (we have had our ups and downs) I think overall things are better now than they have ever been.

2. I have not done anything with this woman that I think most people would consider cheating. I also don't plan on doing anything with her. And, I do not see her outside of work. It is not like we are sneaking off to see eachother, I just have to see her as part of my job.

3. I don't want to be in this situation. I am frustrated that I seem to be so preoccupied with her. It's easy to say stop thinking about her, but I have a hard time with this at times.

And Yasmina, I can't fire her - she hasn't done anything to deserve that. Also, I couldn't even if I wanted to. She is a highly respected employee. At my company you have to have a good reason to fire someone. Oh, and I can control my dick. Its my thoughts I am struggling with.

Anyone else been in this situation. I hope it just goes away but it is kinda driving me crazy.

 

[H_T_]

i wasn't as deep as you are, i wasn't married; but i did go thru something similar. and luckily, the girl i left took me back after things did not work out for with the other girl. i was working with this woman, and was taken by her in every way. it started just the way you have stated, we worked well as a team and we thought it would carry over into a romantic relationship, but it didn't. i found out it's not about getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

 

[tbuz67]

I won't flame you for what your going through. A person doesn't wake up one day and say to himself, "Hmmm. Despite the fact that I have a wife and kids, I think that I'll try and start to develop feelings for another woman. Maybe someone who is married herself". I know all too well that this happens despite one's self. It seems that people tend to forget how strong that emotion can develop into. Throughout the ages, people have died, killed, stolen, lied, even started wars because of these kinds of emotions. You know you have these emotions, you haven't acted on them, you know its a problem, and your asking for advice. I know that you can't turn off these feelings like a switch. I see no reason at all to flame you.
On the other hand, the ongoing flirting and the breast touching have been out of line. You probably wouldn't be having these feelings if these things haven't happened in the first place. Naturally, the longer it went on, the more apt you are to think about her. Harmless flirting is one thing, kind of an ego booster. But ongoing flirting will get the message across that "I'm willing". The fact that you both came right out and told each other, and thus verifying it, that you have mutual feelings is stepping way over the line. And now there's resort vacations going on.
But enough with those facts. They happened, and they are in the past. The bottom line is that your feelings for this woman simply are NOT going to fade away with the present scenario. You have to start thinking logically about what you can do to distance yourself from this woman. By "distancing", I don't necessarily mean just physically, either. I also mean socially. Because putting her back at arms length, so to speak, is the only way that you will start to think of her less and less. And expect it to be a slow process.
Hell, some people may even suggest finding a new job. Too extreme? Maybe, maybe not. Whats more important to you, your job or your family?
If that isn't possible, then you will have to distance yourself from her, like I mentioned before. How? YOu've got to undo all that flirting you did throughout these years. If you have to tell her outright, then do it. Let her know you are no longer having "feelings" for her, or your feelings for your wife and family mean too much to you. You know that telling her that you aren't serious about her is a lie, but she needs to believe that its the truth. There may be hurt feelings, there may be tension, and uncomfortable and awkward moments. It may be hard sailing at first, but remember that its a pretty big structure you've built for yourself here, and its going to take alot to tear it back down. But you've got to start somewhere. Because with the course your going now, its probably just a matter of time before you follow through with these feelings. Or it already happened, but you certainly weren't going to admit it here.
As for not being able to help how you feel about her, remember that she is NOT the reason for your being miserable, hurt, and confused. What the hell, you say? Its true. I repeat, she is NOT the reason for your heartache. Its your FEELINGS for her that are causing this. Remember this, because its important. You stated that you spend alot of time with this woman, and that she now lives only 10 minutes away from you. It doesn't matter. I'm sure there have been other women in your life that you've spent time with that you didn't feel obsessed over, like other co-workers. Why? The feelings weren't there. But the feelings ARE there for this particular woman, developed by flirting, spending time with, and sharing experiences with this woman. But if the feelings weren't there she would just be another co-worker, right?
So realize that you must betray those feelings, as much as it will hurt. Take that leap forward, and start treating this woman as just a co-worker. Like you should. No more breast-feeling moments. She will wonder, and eventually ask whats going on. Tell her. Lie. Let her know that you just fell back in love with your wife, and that you simply have no interest in anyone else anymore. And you want it that way.
This woman may be hurt. If she isn't, then you know that it was all for nothing. If she truly is, then prepare for a possible storm. YOu may see acts of resentment. YOu may have to endure her trying to get your attention back. It may get ugly. Real ugly. People may find out. Or she may agree that its time to get back to reality, herself.
Then prepare for your betrayed feelings to slash back at you. YOu may yourself feel resentment. It may show in certain ways to those who know you.
But you will be on the right path. Let her know that the relationship will strictly be on a professional level only from here on out, and stick to it. Doing it half-assed won't cut it, because then she will always have hope, and in turn beget hope in you. You will never get over her that way. But do it right and she will eventually have to accept it. You know that with each passing day, or week, or month, that it will get easier. 6 months from now, you may not think about her, and hurt over her as much as you do today. She will still be there, but its your FEELINGS that your dealing with, not her. Its your feelings that your battling, like a flu bug. Everything I've said is designed to battle those feelings. Get rid of the feelings, and the misery and heartache will disappear, too. Two years from now you may come in to work, see her and say good morning, and see her as you see the other women there: as just your co-worker.
Ten years from now you may look at her, and think, "I used to be crazy over her?"

There is no simple solution to your dilemna. YOu have two choices: you either follow your brain, or your heart. Neither road will be easy. But one is right, and one isn't. I will say this, though. Once a person has a child, that person should no longer live for themselves, but for that child. A child has no say in how his life will go. The parents have to make that decision. The decision you face WILL affect your children for the rest of their lives. You want to go one way, they NEED you to go the other. But I'm sure you realize that.
And lastly, remember there are some things in life that you can't undo, like losing your virginity, taking another life, and cheating on your spouse. You may not want to undo losing your virginity, but cheating on a spouse, thats something you don't want to find out the hard way that you can't undo it.

Good luck to you!