This is his first post so maybe its not a joke.
Either way, I will try to be constructive:
(1) Calculate your BMR, see Men: BMR = 66 + (13.7 X wt in kg) + (5 X ht in cm) - (6.8 X age in years OR BMR (men and women) = 370 + (21.6 X lean mass in kg)
(2) Multiply this by your activity factor to get your maintenance calories
Activity Multiplier
Sedentary = BMR X 1.2 (little or no exercise, desk job)
Lightly active = BMR X 1.375 (light exercise/sports 1-3 days/wk)
Mod. active = BMR X 1.55 (moderate exercise/sports 3-5 days/wk)
Very active = BMR X 1.725 (hard exercise/sports 6-7 days/wk)
Extr. active = BMR X 1.9 (hard daily exercise/sports & physical job or 2X day training, i.e. marathon, contest etc.)
(3) Consume 10-20% less than your maintenance calories, or 500-1000
(4) Then divide your calories amongst 4-6 meals. When dividing cals between carbs/fat/protein, basically P > 30; F>20; C<50 when cutting, although I'd consider something like 40/40/20 to start with. Going too low carb to start with may give you no where to move if things plateau
(5) Eat clean cals - unprocessed foods etc
(6) Do weights 3+ times per week, and cardio whenever you can (3+ times per week also)