Old thread or not that's fucking hilarious.
I got a fucked up story myself though not nearly as epic as this.
I was working for a small restaurant for awhile when the cooks and waitresses invited me to hang out at a bar they frequented on friday's.
I'm like sure, why not.
I end up talking with the hottest waiter from the restaurant for like a half hour straight and we have a ton of shit in common. I get up to the bathroom and 2 guys give me high five's in the bathroom callin me player and shit. I played cool, but I was definitely feeling like this might go somewhere.
So one of them get's a call about a party and so we head over there.
One thing with me is when I drink I gotta piss like a race horse. Alcohol literally goes right through me. We're talkin like every 10 minutes. Pretty much why I quit drinkin.
So anyhow. The girl ends up giving me a ride to the party sayin it's supposed to be close by when I start feelin like I gotta take a piss.
Unfortunately she doesn't have her cell phone on her and we're following the cars in front of us on the way to the party.
I start having to go really bad. Fidgeting and trying not to squeeze my junk like a little kid. I look at the girl and ask her if we can pull over quick so I can take a leak.
She's says she can't or we'll lose track of the car we're following and she doesn't have her cellphone.
Another 10 minutes goes by and I'm slowly starting to lose it. I mean I thought this fuckin party was supposed to be close by.
Finally it gets to be too much and I tell her she needs to stop the car so I can take a leak cuz I gotta go like a race horse. She says she's sure we're almost there.
This is when I turn into that blonde guy from dumb and dumber when his foot is caught on fire and he goes cross eyed. "If you don't pull over the car now I'm gonna fuckin piss all over your fucking floor!"
She gives me this worried look and I yell again "Pull the fucking car over now!"
She pulls over and I hop out holding my junk kid style and make it no more than 10 feet before I get unzipped and start pissing all over someone's drive way. I'm talkin fountain style and the drive way sloped down to the garage...
Unfortunately I got some piss on me while tryin to unzip/hold my johnson from dribblin. I was wearin tan dickie's so it was super obvious.
I hop back into the car tryin to hold my t-shirt over the wet spot as we then try to find the cars we were following. Like 5 minutes later we see the cars parked and we walk into the party. She was dead quiet on that last part of the drive.
I ended up having a blast at the party and got propositioned for sex by a 40 something year old cab driver lady. I declined and she let me know that was a mistake talking about how she woulda rocked my world.
I end up getting pretty blitzed and everyone starts getting ready to leave and come to get me. I'm sittin on a couch in the backyard next to a fat chick that think's I'm tryin to get into her pants when all I'm doin is chattin.
They tell me it's time to go, but I'm like nah I'm good. I just want to sit here awhile longer and bullshit. They're like whatever man with disgusted looks on their faces as they leave.
I really wasn't tryin to get into the fat girls pants. Pinky swear.
So it's like 5am in the morning when I start walking home. I'm just coherent enough to realize that I'm like 15 fucking miles from home without any money on me.
So I start trudging along when I pass by a few residential alleys and some latent memory from my childhood kicks in and I suddenly think it would be great fun to go hoppin over people's fences ninja style.
I hop over a couple fences and some pencil neck comes flyin out his back sliding door with a stick. I'm talking like a piece of 1x2 stake or something flimsy like that.
I'm not looking for trouble so I hop back over his fence, but he get's a hold of my leg and I end up fallin about 6 feet straight down onto the concrete alleyway. He opens the gate in the fence and starts trying to wail on me with his pencil pusher arms and I just tear myself off him and run away cuz again I'm not looking to cause trouble.
I'm like 6 blocks away thinking every things cool when a cop car comes flyin up and hops onto the curb in front of me. The cops fly out the car screamin and yelling and I comply cuz I respect cops.
The pencil neck from the house with the pathetic stick drives up in his station wagon I guess to identify me/slash was looking for me.
I tell the cops I was just reliving some of my childhood days and wasn't looking for trouble and I guess the guy realized I was just being a fuckwit so the cops let me off and even drove me home.
Moral of the story. Bodily functions take priority above all else. Prioritize/plan for the worst. When your people tell you it's time to go, just go.
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