Who really wants kids, and how can they know? People who are happy with their work and hobbies, but still feel a desperate longing for children which babysitting cannot relieve, are probably the kind of people who would be miserable without children. These people should still consider carefully the amount of time, money, mental and physical energy, etc., which children require before they make their final decision. Once the child is here, it is too late.
Questions Potential Parents Should Ask Themselves Aside from questions like "Will I keep a Downs' Syndrome baby or put it up for adoption?" there are other, nonstandard questions that I suggest that people ask themselves. Here are some:
1. Do I recognize that each child is an individual with its own personality and preferences, and that I can only influence these to a limited extent?
2. Do I really LIKE children? Do I enjoy playing all levels of children's games? Do I enjoy being with someone who is frequently rambunctious, loud, uninhibited, deliberately trying, and who requires my constant supervision?
3. Do I enjoy the idea of parenting? Specifically, do I enjoy the idea of correcting someone else, feeling like I have to correct someone else, monitoring another person's behavior and finding creative and sensitive ways of expressing the same thing over and over until it is understood?
4. Does a disrupted sleep schedule bother me? Or am I the type of person who gets irritated or ill if my 11:30-8:00 schedule is shifted or interrupted? Do I take the irritation out on other people? How will I feel when the baby cries at 2:00 and then at 5:00? Would I ever feign sleep while my partner tends to the baby?
5. Is a committed relationship my style, or do I tend to have friends and lovers for a while and then move on when I lose interest? How do I feel about starting a close and intimate relationship with an unknown person with unknown interests (i.e., the child) that will last the rest of my life?
6. When I daydream about being a parent, am I picturing the child at a certain age? How do I feel about children at other ages? Do I fully realize that a rambunctious 13-year-old will be my responsibility just as surely as the cuddly newborn is? Am I interested in 13-year-olds?
7. When I daydream about having a child, do I picture the child doing certain kinds of activities, such as little league? How do I feel about the child engaging in activities that I am not interested in, strongly dislike, or disapprove of? (E.g., if I enjoyed contact sports as a child, will I be disoriented by my son's love of the piano and interior decorating? Will I need to "keep trying" if I have a girl?)
8. Do I lose my temper with people who don't catch on immediately? How will that translate into a parent-child situation?
9. Do I expect to be such a wonderful parent that I will never have to discipline my splendid child, or do I expect to make mistakes that I will see reflected in my child's behavior? How will I treat the child when I realize that something I have done — such as lying to my child — has interfered with his or her purity of spirit?
10. If you are considering "giving" your lover or spouse children, though you don't especially want them, on the condition that he or she take over most of the responsibility for their daily nurture, have you considered the idea that your partner might fall ill, die, or leave you with the kids? Do you have a fallback plan for that eventuality? Or are you hoping that you will become more interested in caring for the children in such a case, or perhaps that you will be able to quickly meet another person who will take full responsibilty for them while you do the things that are more important to you?
11. Is your principle reason for having children that you and your lover want to "make something together" or "make something that will be part of both of us"? If so, do you also love _children_? What if the child's personality and interests doesn't much resemble either of yours — will the fact that it has half of each of your chromosomes be enough for you?
12. Do you have extra money that you don't think you'll be using for anything else? Or do you expect your years with your child to be years of "sacrifice"? If the latter, are you accustomed to "hardship" or do you think it is possible that you will resent the cost of the child who is preventing you from buying other kinds of luxuries?
Living in an industrialized, informationalized society, we have the luxury and the responsibility to think about children as real human beings. We have the luxury and responsibility to assess our own worth without reference to any potential lives we are able to create. You have the luxury and the responsibility to think about it before you commit.
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