Refusal to do anal is messing me up... Help!

[Sassy69]

And Jenscat when you say it may be a control issue, I believe you may be right. Part of all this stems from a former boyfriend long ago who took her anal virginity before I ever even thought of doing anal. This incident happened while we were together so she was cheating on me. We were just teenagers then. So when I found out that not only had she cheated on me with him, but he had anal sex with her, I freaked out and demanded that I be able to do it and that is how it all first began.

So now everytime when this issue arises, I think of this guy, going there before me, and it makes me sick and angry and I just want to do it. I want 100% of her, not 99%. She'll give me everything in the world but not that. I know maybe I'm screwed up in my thinking, but that is why I came on here to get advice and I do appreciate everyone's help.

Whoa.... that sounds like an issue. Here's the thing - I don't know if this is w/ guys, but when you get down to those sorts of things - things that are "taboo" -- esp women may go along w/ it because they get bullied into it (not rape-force but just persuaded) or are worried that if they say no they'll lose the guy or whatever - there are soooo many things about these types of issues that are so hard to talk about or even to actually define if the "willing to talk about it" part isn't even an issue. There's just somethign about it that is just too close to home for her for some reason that she just doesn't want to go there. And one of the biggest things is if you make someone feel like they "owe you" because you did something w/ someone else or put whatever spin on it to persuade them to do something they didnt' offer up of their own intention, there is always going to be some sort of unresolved issue around it. So now you want it and to her it represents not only a point where her actions violated your relationship w/ her and she will forever have to live w/ that, but the fact that you used that against her to get her to do it with you is a power point that she gave to you and you used against her, and she buckled.

I dunno. If possible it would be a good thing to talk about & resolve. Sounds like this is neither forgiven nor forgotten by either of you. But for you , you can't continue to hold that "you used to do this" thing over her head. Its obviously very distasteful to her to the point that she would rather let it escalate to an argument maybe to distract from actualy having to deal directly w/ the issue. I'd just hate to see it affect the quality of your whole relationship.

 

[milo hobgoblin]

Id leave her

 

[jenscats5]

And Jenscat when you say it may be a control issue, I believe you may be right. Part of all this stems from a former boyfriend long ago who took her anal virginity before I ever even thought of doing anal. This incident happened while we were together so she was cheating on me. We were just teenagers then. So when I found out that not only had she cheated on me with him, but he had anal sex with her, I freaked out and demanded that I be able to do it and that is how it all first began.

So now everytime when this issue arises, I think of this guy, going there before me, and it makes me sick and angry and I just want to do it. I want 100% of her, not 99%. She'll give me everything in the world but not that. I know maybe I'm screwed up in my thinking, but that is why I came on here to get advice and I do appreciate everyone's help.

Ah!! Now it comes out.........erm, no pun intended....

How many years ago, exactly was this cheating incident?? You both were teenagers then & are married now?? How old now??

Now for the BIG question: Did you tell her after her confession that you forgave her for her error?? If so - THEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO HOLD IT AGAINST HER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM ANY LONGER AND DOING THIS IS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL!!

You need to get over it & move on.....

And I also agree with Sassy.....

 

[velvett]

See, it's always about the cock.

*chuckle*

 

[jenscats5]

See, it's always about the cock.

*chuckle*

See my sig.......there's the proof!!

 

[Longhorn85]

I want 100% of her, not 99%.

I think this is a legitimate feeling. She was willing to give up the booty to some clown she cheated with, so why not give it to the man she loves, the man who kept her (cheating notwithstanding), the man who committed his life to her?

Her only other option IMO is to authorize you the use of a concubine (for anal only).

 

[Spanky11]

excellent points allround.

weird that I am actually starting to think like Longhorn85...

 

[krissy]

Okay, this is a hard road for a women to even take. ( I think anyway) Maybe you should show some appreciation when she does this and maybe ...you will get a treat every now and then.

 

[manny78]

I think this is a legitimate feeling. She was willing to give up the booty to some clown she cheated with, so why not give it to the man she loves, the man who kept her (cheating notwithstanding), the man who committed his life to her?

Her only other option IMO is to authorize you the use of a concubine (for anal only).

Word. But since she cheated on him he should have never married that girl. it would not be an issue. Not this guy is into some kind of unhappy marriage carrying their past and dealing with everyday. I cant understand people who marry cheating girls/guys.

 

[Snarling Force]

The cheating incident happened 9 years ago. We've been together for 11 years total, dating 6 and being married 5. We are each other's first. I lost my virginity to her and she lost hers (vaginal) to me when we were just 18. She is the only girl I've ever been with. I'm also the only guy she has been with in the way of vaginal intercourse. Beside's me, the only other person she ever did anything with was this same guy and next to that one anal attempt, they only ever engaged in oral sex. She never gave up her vagina for anyone in the world but me and for that I'm forever grateful.

We talked for a long time last night and worked things out. As painful as it was, we went over the cheating incident in detail so I could deal with this once and for all and I actually found out things that helped me quite a bit. It turns out the guy tried for only a minute or 2 before she stopped him because it was too painful. So technically, only maybe the head of his penis went in, if even that. Since we never really talked about this incident in detail because it was too painful for me, I never knew this. I thought he went through with the whole thing and completed the act, cumming in her ass and all. I feel much better now because technically I'm still the only guy she's been with however she did cheat on me with him, orally and semi-anally and that will always be something I have to deal with. She was only 19 then, young and indecisive, and didn't know what she wanted so I can't hang that over her head anymore. I need to move on.

I'm going to just lay off the whole anal thing and just enjoy her for who she is. Maybe someday it will happen but I'm not going to dwell on it anymore. I love her so very much. She is my soulmate and I'm thankful for everyday that I have with her. Thanks for all everyone has said. You've all been very insightful and helpful to me.