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Partner is getting fat and affecting our relationship?
- Thread starter shoichi
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Hey guy , as a man that has been married for over twenty years , i can speak from experience . Twenty three years ago i met my wife , we dated , then after dating for a couple of years , we got married . Life was fantastic back then . I have always been into lifting and have always loved it . She has never wanted to workout or anything athletic . I really didn't know it back then or even give it much thought . When female bodybuilding came along, i was like WOW , I LOVE muscles on women , I love the look in their eyes and the look of confidence in their faces and the way they walk , the sheer beauty that exudes from a woman who is very strong and sure of herself . Naturally I wanted to get my wife involved in liftin more than ever , didn't happen . This has gone on for many years , me trying to get her involved . Over time , we've just grown apart more and more , I would be THRILLED beyond belief if she would come to the gym with me and lift and begin to feel the incredible sensation of being strong and visibly muscular . I don't know how the women here feel or what drives them , but I think it's gotta be somewhere along those lines . Maybe I am wrong , but I know that I love being muscular and very strong , so I would think that women would love that too . If she doesn't respond soon, I would definitely think about moving on , I believe that you can find a woman who has most, if not all of the things that your current has , but also has the mindset that you speak of .
Just my two cents worth, thanks
Just my two cents worth, thanks
Munkeee de Sade
New member
My bf knows exactly how you feel. Last year he broke up with me he told me I was fat. Well I was 185lbs at 5'4. I was always saying I needed to loose weight but I never had the motivation to do so. When he told me this YES it did hurt me like hell. I did something about it. I started a diet and lost weight I still have some toneing up to do and I would like to loose more weight. I don't look in the mirror anymore and think I look awful. Now he is attracted to me again and I am glad he said what he did.
I am not saying be as cruel as he was but maybe she needs motivation. If she truely loves you she will loose weight. I really can't say much about the smoking. I know the smell is bad, I wouldn't want to deal with it.
I am not saying be as cruel as he was but maybe she needs motivation. If she truely loves you she will loose weight. I really can't say much about the smoking. I know the smell is bad, I wouldn't want to deal with it.
Robert Jan
New member
my wife would have to be serious about some physical sport.
i dont even care if its bb or pl or something way else like swimming or jumping or WHATEVER.
but she would have to have some drive some need to improve her body and respect it.
i suppose this is very wrong but people who dont just seem to weak to me.
i dont even care if its bb or pl or something way else like swimming or jumping or WHATEVER.
but she would have to have some drive some need to improve her body and respect it.
i suppose this is very wrong but people who dont just seem to weak to me.
TEXgrl
New member
shoichi said:
how can you be too serious about taking care of yourself? before i met my husband, i worked out. somewhere along the line i quit, he always worked out. i didn't for several years, and i eventually looked in the mirror and hated what i saw. my primary motivation to get in the gym was to lose weight and like myself again. now my motivation isn't really motivation. i love it. if i don't go, i feel bad. i think its time to say something
))
Sassy69
New member
These are some really awesome answers to a really tuff question! Thank God you asked here & not on the chat board! 
I think a good thing to keep in mind when you are considering where you are in life & where she is, is your age. I've chatted w/ a lot of the guys on this board who are younger & complain about their girlfriends & I remember what I was like way back when ... I really dont' think girls are comfortable w/ themselves until they hit close to 30. Particularly when you are just coming out of the teen years its sooo freekin hard when you aren't one of those perfect size 4 girls w/ no fat. Then when someone gets on your case about how you look, sometimes the reaction is to do absolutely nothing and possibly even rebel against it alittle.
I think its really neat that you've been able to stay together for 3 years thru those wild times from your teens into your 20s - you are obviously "finding" yourself faster than she is. You might sit down w/ her and ask her about her priorities -- i.e. does she want to keep smoking?? In there you can say that you have chosen this lifestyle & its important to you & you'd like to share it with her. Its very hard to make someone go to the gym who just isn't into it. She may even be jealous of the time you spend in the gym w/ all those hot looking clients. Sounds like you've already tried to get her involved in stuff. It may be appropriate to just state that you have chosen this lifestyle, its important to you and will affect how you move forward in your life. If her lifestyle doesn't fit your lifestyle, it may be better that you move on. Tell her that - not in a mean way, but in a matter of fact way such that you would like to share at least a small part of that with her and its her choice. If she doesn't want to share any part of that, then it will most likely become a bigger issue and result in bad feelings down the road. This may be something that a relationship counselor could help with.
At least with the smoking, let her know you think its disgusting & its her choice to stop or not, but you don't want any part of it and you are having a hard time accepting that habit as part of your relationship with her. You might also suggest a diet something like a "cleansing diet" to help her move the smoking residue out of her body quicker and that might lead into thewhole "healthier lifestyle" thing. Just a thought...
Good luck!
I think a good thing to keep in mind when you are considering where you are in life & where she is, is your age. I've chatted w/ a lot of the guys on this board who are younger & complain about their girlfriends & I remember what I was like way back when ... I really dont' think girls are comfortable w/ themselves until they hit close to 30. Particularly when you are just coming out of the teen years its sooo freekin hard when you aren't one of those perfect size 4 girls w/ no fat. Then when someone gets on your case about how you look, sometimes the reaction is to do absolutely nothing and possibly even rebel against it alittle.
I think its really neat that you've been able to stay together for 3 years thru those wild times from your teens into your 20s - you are obviously "finding" yourself faster than she is. You might sit down w/ her and ask her about her priorities -- i.e. does she want to keep smoking?? In there you can say that you have chosen this lifestyle & its important to you & you'd like to share it with her. Its very hard to make someone go to the gym who just isn't into it. She may even be jealous of the time you spend in the gym w/ all those hot looking clients. Sounds like you've already tried to get her involved in stuff. It may be appropriate to just state that you have chosen this lifestyle, its important to you and will affect how you move forward in your life. If her lifestyle doesn't fit your lifestyle, it may be better that you move on. Tell her that - not in a mean way, but in a matter of fact way such that you would like to share at least a small part of that with her and its her choice. If she doesn't want to share any part of that, then it will most likely become a bigger issue and result in bad feelings down the road. This may be something that a relationship counselor could help with.
At least with the smoking, let her know you think its disgusting & its her choice to stop or not, but you don't want any part of it and you are having a hard time accepting that habit as part of your relationship with her. You might also suggest a diet something like a "cleansing diet" to help her move the smoking residue out of her body quicker and that might lead into thewhole "healthier lifestyle" thing. Just a thought...
Good luck!
ATrollFromTheFatBoard
New member
I agree with the idea about seeing a counselor. Only the very wise and committed can resolve these kinds of things on a chat board, or with no outside help. There may be other factors at work you aren't very aware of, that a professional may be able to help you with.
Please be aware, this person loved you when *you* didn't look so special, and deserves the same courtesy. I can understand that if a smell is nauseating, it is nauseating, but I don't buy the idea that what attracts one visually is carved in stone. What attracts one visually is a learned response and culturally conditioned. ( I just went for a walk outside and three, count them, THREE separate cars full of Hispanic men rode by and made approving comments about my figure!!) Since I have been thinking critically about the weight issue, I have changed the way I see fat people, and not everything looks so hideously ugly to me anymore. I like the way the models in magazines like Mode and Grace look. So you *can* change the way you see.
My first bf looked like a cross between Santa Claus and a walrus. I'm not kidding. I really did consider him ugly. But it is the whole person I respond to, and as long as he treated me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated, I was fine with that. And talk about a person who did not take care of himself!! OMG! Here was a person with diabetes, depression, and high blood pressure, who never even tried to exercise. And I won't go into what this person ordered at restaurants ... but I have been there myself and therefore I restrained myself from lecturing, because anyone who is fat can tell you, negative judgements from others make things worse, not better. If all you are able to feel good about is looking thinner, whether you make ANY other physical gains or progress or not, that is very discouraging and a big reason I gave up on myself and gained so much weight several years ago. Now that I can focus on STRENGTH and not SIZE, I can feel happy and motivated no matter how I look. (And that's a good thing, because I will never look like the pics I see in here!)
I do have one question. As a member of NAAFA, I talk to plenty of people who are doing what by all manner of common sense "OUGHT" to work, according to the popular wisdom (none of them have visited here), but it hasn't worked. They're still fat. And so am I. If by some quirk or decree of God, your girlfriend were to make diet and exercise changes and still be forever unable to change her body shape, how would you feel about her then?
How would you feel if someone you were with left you because of the way you looked?
I am not trying to sound judgemental here. I am just trying to get you to try to approach the issue in new ways. I have found some good-looking people (my own grandfather, for instance) to be some of the most rigid and judgemental, and some of the most lacking in how they treat other people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to leave this person, make sure it's for the right reasons. For me, personally, having been through what I have in my life as a woman of size, the right reason is *never* going to be about someone's outward physical appearance, and I require in my personal relationships that I be treated the same way.
Good luck. Let us know what's happenin'.
Please be aware, this person loved you when *you* didn't look so special, and deserves the same courtesy. I can understand that if a smell is nauseating, it is nauseating, but I don't buy the idea that what attracts one visually is carved in stone. What attracts one visually is a learned response and culturally conditioned. ( I just went for a walk outside and three, count them, THREE separate cars full of Hispanic men rode by and made approving comments about my figure!!) Since I have been thinking critically about the weight issue, I have changed the way I see fat people, and not everything looks so hideously ugly to me anymore. I like the way the models in magazines like Mode and Grace look. So you *can* change the way you see.
My first bf looked like a cross between Santa Claus and a walrus. I'm not kidding. I really did consider him ugly. But it is the whole person I respond to, and as long as he treated me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated, I was fine with that. And talk about a person who did not take care of himself!! OMG! Here was a person with diabetes, depression, and high blood pressure, who never even tried to exercise. And I won't go into what this person ordered at restaurants ... but I have been there myself and therefore I restrained myself from lecturing, because anyone who is fat can tell you, negative judgements from others make things worse, not better. If all you are able to feel good about is looking thinner, whether you make ANY other physical gains or progress or not, that is very discouraging and a big reason I gave up on myself and gained so much weight several years ago. Now that I can focus on STRENGTH and not SIZE, I can feel happy and motivated no matter how I look. (And that's a good thing, because I will never look like the pics I see in here!)
I do have one question. As a member of NAAFA, I talk to plenty of people who are doing what by all manner of common sense "OUGHT" to work, according to the popular wisdom (none of them have visited here), but it hasn't worked. They're still fat. And so am I. If by some quirk or decree of God, your girlfriend were to make diet and exercise changes and still be forever unable to change her body shape, how would you feel about her then?
How would you feel if someone you were with left you because of the way you looked?
I am not trying to sound judgemental here. I am just trying to get you to try to approach the issue in new ways. I have found some good-looking people (my own grandfather, for instance) to be some of the most rigid and judgemental, and some of the most lacking in how they treat other people.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to leave this person, make sure it's for the right reasons. For me, personally, having been through what I have in my life as a woman of size, the right reason is *never* going to be about someone's outward physical appearance, and I require in my personal relationships that I be treated the same way.
Good luck. Let us know what's happenin'.
My current partner and I were both once in your same shoes. We ended up divorcing our spouses. So my opinion is get out now when it's easier, rather than waiting til after you're married then end up being miserable for many years before you finally end it. Don't make the same mistake we did. What you have just described sounds EXACTLY like my husband's situation with his now, ex-wife. I'm sure he'd tell you the same thing, get out now while you can before marriage and any kids are involved.
IMO, there's nothing wrong at all with wanting a partner who's in shape and that you are attracted to, geesh, that's how it should be! There's nothing worse than being with a partner who you are unattracted to and doesn't share in your interests and goals. My husband and I are both VERY into our fitness lifestyle and having been with someone before who wasn't, I can tell you it's wonderful, very refreshing! We work together towards common goals and it's awesome, we're just like two peas in a pod.
And one more thing, I look at it this way, you only get one life to live so why not be happy?
IMO, there's nothing wrong at all with wanting a partner who's in shape and that you are attracted to, geesh, that's how it should be! There's nothing worse than being with a partner who you are unattracted to and doesn't share in your interests and goals. My husband and I are both VERY into our fitness lifestyle and having been with someone before who wasn't, I can tell you it's wonderful, very refreshing! We work together towards common goals and it's awesome, we're just like two peas in a pod.
And one more thing, I look at it this way, you only get one life to live so why not be happy?
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