Partner is getting fat and affecting our relationship?

[shoichi]

I'll try and shorten this up and it may be nothing more than I'm shallow (which some people have told me) and insensitive. My girlfriend and I met about three years ago and we both smoked, were in the worst shape of our lives and just lived an unhealthy lifestyle. During that time I decided I wanted to get back into shape - we had both been into sports/recreational activities all our lives and I thought it really bugged both of us.

So I eventually quit smoking and got back into really good shape. It took along time and so I tried to be patient with her as well. She always says she's going to quit smoking and start working out but it never happens. And now it's getting to the point where I'm completely physically unattracted to her and I can't stand laying next to her when she smells like smoke. I've tried to explain the smoking thing, tried to get her on the patch and medication, tried positive reinforcement with working out and nutrition, and I took up the sports she used to be good at in an attempt to get her into stuff she was into. Then I tried a slow approach and just tried to get her to walk - but all of this has failed.

Maybe I am shallow and should just love her for who she is - but it's hard when I don't even want to hug her. I mean she's not overly obese - maybe 5'6 165? BF unsure about...but I am completely physically unattracted to her. During the summer I didn't even want to go to the beach or anywhere with her. Should I just break it off and do my own thing? It's gotten particularly bad within the last 6 months now that I work at two gyms - one of which is kind of a trendy pick up place type. Opinions or suggestions would really help me here.

 

[nikkita]

In the beginning of every relationship partners want to look their best, but when time goes by some people get so comfortable and stop caring about those details that make us feel attracted to our partner. I consider very important that partners always try to get attractive for each other, I don't know... it is hard to love somebody if they don't love themselves first.

 

[fitbitch]

You cant change someones habits..i know if I was in that situation I would leave...you are obviously not happy...you are young..I really dont think it is shallow...you are being honest. She is who she is...and u are who you are..you have to take it for what it is...move on and take it as one of life's many experiences.

 

[starfish]

I can see where the smoking would kill a realtionship. I could never be with a smoker.

If she is 5'6 and 165#, that isn't exactly obese enough to be ashamed of sleeping next to or take to the beach. That seems shallow. IMO.

 

[Gladiola]

I don't think you are shallow - the smell of smoke really repulses me as well. It's human nature not to be attacted to things we find unattractive - by that I mean, if you thought obesity was gross before, just because you love someone doesn't mean you will love the obesity as well if they become obese.

If she won't even go for a WALK with you, that seems like something is wrong! Is she depressed? I almost get that impression. Do you have any idea WHY she is so resistant to returning to her former athletic self? Might be worth exploring that.

Otherwise, yes, if you've changed, move on.

 

[MarshallPenniford]

Yup, time to move on.

 

[Gladiola]

disrespect for the human body, just the concept that a person would PREFER to harm him/herself can be a turn off.

OMG - SO TRUE! A friend of mine has some of the most atroscious health habits - in addition to smoking & being sedentary, he literally starves himself with ONE MEAL A DAY! GRRR! Of course all his natural muscle is atrophied, & his posture is hideous. I constantly want to poke him in the back when in his presence to sit up straight & tuck his shoulder blades down & back. For goodness sake, look respectable. Ugh.

 

[kronk]

Sometimes the physical attributes are secondary to the real thing that's turning a person off. Laziness, disrespect for the human body, just the concept that a person would PREFER to harm him/herself can be a turn off. The person doesn't CARE enough about their own wellbeing....and I find that to be a turn off.

Very well said Spatts.

 

[BigEasy]

I don't know from your post if you are shallow or not, but all long term relationships ebb and flow. If you truely are superficial and shallow, I doubt that you will have the desire to work through the down times and find the up side (if there is one). Be careful though, looking to someone else for answers to your life..... I applaude your seeking knowledge before taking action though!

We do change as we age; goals, desires, opinions, emotions, and even our very being. Chances are you both have changed in many ways since meeting, and this shall continue until your deaths. She might be just as dissatisfied with the relationship as you, but more accepting of it for whatever reason. I have been through what you are going through a few times myself, it isn't fun.

All this to say, I recommend that you work out what you really want in a relationship before you DO anything. (If you already think you know the answer, you are lost and don't even realize it yet. ;={o> ) Taking action now you risk tossing a less-than-perfect long term relationship that has some committment and values, for a sleek shiny new one that will eventually have it's own set of difficulties. This will lead you full circle back to this same place. (Been there, done that, complete waste of time and energy.) You might want to figure out who/what you are in her eyes at the same time. Self-evaluation is always helpful for self-correction and outside observation is a useful tool.

If you don't know where to begin, get a relationship counselor. Not a shrink to tell you how you SHOULD think and feel, but someone that has been there and can help you figure out for yourself what is best for YOU in the long haul. This is the difference between someone teaching you about weights and excercise, versus someone showing you the proper form and coaching you on what works best for your needs. Not sure where you are located, but if you need help locating someone to assist shoot me an email.

 

[BronzedGoddess]

Don't feel bad. It's only natural to want to be with someone that takes pride in their health. My hubby smoked before we started dating and I told him I would not date a smoker so he could either quit or find someone else. He quit obviously. Also we had issues in our marriage where he did not workout in the begining and it was a turn off in my eyes. I don't think I was being shallow, but I felt he thought now that he's married he could let himself go. That was a blow to my self esteem becuase I was feeling that I was not good enough to want to impress. To sum it up, I agree with what Spatt said.