Is it Puppy Love?

[Burning Desire]

OK ... Mr. Machine ... I did click on your site ....

and you know what ... I'm depressed now ...

because I have an emptiness and lonliness in my heart and I honestly don't want any more of what my H has to offer ....

I've stopped loving him ... I've stopped caring ... I've stopped wanting to try.

we've talked and I know he's trying, but it all seems so insincere to me ... like a little too late .... I feel like he's just doing and saying things to try and make me happy ... and not because he 'wants' to.... or maybe he does want to ....

this is what I struggle with ... and I don't want to screw my kids lives up ... so I'm in a marriage that is glued together because of children ... so what? be miserable for 16 more yeras until my children are grown .... I guess that is the "right" answer, the "right" choice ....


If there were an easy solution, I would be gone ... but there is no easy answer ...

so for now, I'll enjoy my new friend ... at least that is giving me happiness ...

I hate that everybody is so gd opinionated ... nobody knows my life, you don't walk in my shoes ... you don't know what it's like to live with somebody who has major mood swings and is an alcoholic ... I've put up with it for so long, but there is only so much a person can take before reaching the breaking point.

whatever .... why do I bother explaining...

bd

 

[PBR]

BD read my earlier post to you....yes, no one has walked in your shoes...I for one have seen your scenerio 1000x....only you know-what is going on...no judgement here....something for you: Love will enter immediately into any mind that truely wants it, but it must want it truely. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within youyrself that you have built against it. Love waits on welcome, not on time. When you want only love you will see nothing else. It is the nature of love to look upon only the truth, for there it sees itself....

 

[THeMaCHinE]

You're depressed because you see more of yourself and your situation than you thought you might have in the letters from the people at the site. It's a shock to what you've built up as the reality and uniquenes of your situation. A crack in the door. And it makes you angry. Consider this.

If your husband is an alcoholic, get him help; if he refuses, then you need to consider what is best for you and your children (i.e. the environment they grow up in). Make him aware that he is choosing alcohol or he is choosing you and the family. Has he always been a big drinker, or is this something that has creeped in?

The great thing (?) about falling out of love, is that you can fall back in love and experience the rush all over again. Right now, you don't want anything to do with your husband because the OM is in the picture and is feeding you things that feel good after so long of not feeling good. This is completely natural and normal. You will not feel like doing anything with your husband while the OM is in the picture -- basic human nature. There is no reason for you to feel like doing otherwise when this great thing is going on. (But really, at some level, it's driving you crazy isn't it?)

The fact that your H is making any effort at all is a good sign. He likely does want to make things better, but he's in uncharted territory and isn't really a natural at figuring out your needs -- and he's carrying his own catalog of hurts and questions that he needs help dealing with.

Pick up "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard E. Harley Jr. (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html) and both of you can actually identify the specific things that one another need out of the relationship in terms of everyday actions. A blueprint if you will. The small things really do add up to a whole.

Will it seem contrived at first? Yes. Does it matter? No. Things are awkward in any *new* relationship at first. And in a way, this will be a brand new relationship with your H.

95% of what we all do is habit. It takes about 3 months to establish habits. Once they're there, it's automatic. The key is knowing what habits to establish to meet one another's needs.

Look, it may be late, but it's never *too* late until somebody is dead. Nobody should be miserable in their marriage. Unfortunately, unlike a new car, marriage doesn't come with a manual -- so people are very adept at screwing things up when things start to go south in a marriage. It doesn't have to be this way.

Obviously, you value the marriage on some level (even if it's just for the kids), so perhaps it's worth saving the marriage -- even though you don't feel like it right now. You *do* have the capacity to love him again -- if he *treats you the way you deserve to be treated* and *you do likewise*.

It's not black and white (as you've alluded to before), there is more than just "stay and be miserable" or "cheat and be semi-happy" -- there is also "divorce, move on", "fall back in love with my H and be happy again" and many other choices. If you set your mind to it, you can do it.

You've been married for awhile, right? A little more time in thinking things through won't kill you. Give yourself permission *not* to make any decisions right now. Think about things logistically and from all perspectives -- even the perspective of the benefits of getting back with your H (even though it seems unlikely). Evaluate for awhile. Try reading some self-help books, *go* to a good marriage counselor by yourself, *go* to couples marriage counseling (if nothing else, to ease the separation) -- these things will be good for you, and ultimately, for your little ones.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

A few other thoughts:

Good people get themselves in bad situations.

Bad situations don't have to stay bad.

People *can* change if they want to.

There are many ways to survive. Honesty is the best way to *live*.

You owe yourself the best.

You owe your children the best you.

Having little ones is very tough on relationships. It will pass.

Face to face time = love. Without it, marriages fail.

 

[Burning Desire]

You're good ...

Mr. Machine! GD, why do you have to make so much sense ....

I read your words and I know I have to try and make things work ... part of me doesn't want to, but I have children that need their daddy and deserve for us to try and make things work.

So much is missing, and for a long time too.

I exploded ... like a time bomb, it all just came out ... minus the OM .... I thought I would spare him that bit of information ...

I let him know how I'm feeling and for how long ... and everything that's going on in my head ... I told him that I haven't loved him for a long time and that if weren't for the four kids, I'd divorce him.

I'm hurting, because I'm hurting him, and I'm not a vengeful person ... I don't get any joy from this ...

With tears rolling down his face, He's tell me of his thoughts of suicide ... how my life would be easier if he were dead ... how we (me and the kids) are his whole life ... how much he loves me.


I told him I care about him, but there is just an emptiness and loneliness inside that I don't know if I can get it back ... or if I even want to ....

He has agreed to quit drinking ... and after 3 months, if I don't like the non-drinking person, maybe we can go through counseling.

Yes, I'm a realist ... I know that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side ... I realize that all relationships take work and will have there ups and downs ... we're in a major down right now ... and it's easy to hear all the things that the OM is saying ... because, yes, it does feel good. I'm not abandoning my new friend ... but I'm not abandoning my H yet either. There is hope ... but I'm so confused and I don't want to make any decisions about the rest of my life yet ... so, I'll just have to wait to see how things turn out with the non-drinking H ...

In my heart ... I know the right answer is to stay with the father of my children and give them a good life (the best we can!) .... but I also know, in my heart, that I need to get to the place called Happiness, because right now, I'm lost. And I'm sucking at everything!

 

[jubei]

You were obviously happy together at one point. Remember what it was that made you happy. If it worked once, it will work again. Even if it doesn't it can't hurt. Don't be shy, tell him what you want him to do, what you want out of him. It sounds like he is ready to do it.

 

[Burning Desire]

Jubei - I can't remember ... and we were kids ... got with him at 17 years old.... 19 years and 4 kids later....

people change, things change ....

I told him tonight ... I'm sorry for making him hurt ... he told me, "don't be".

It's a major wake up call for him.

Only time will tell.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

BD -- that is such a huge step! You should be proud of your strength to take the steps you have. I can tell that you want to do the right thing. Things will be very confusing, and you will find yourself wavering back and forth in indecision -- particularly when your H is screwing up and driving you crazy along the way. Try to be patient and help him grow. And do what you can to make amends in your way.

Realize now that this isn't a straight line, more like two steps forward, one step back. It will be very hard, but hang onto what you know is right and good. The measure of a person's strength is how they act at their *weakest* point. There *will* be times you feel like giving up, but don't -- hang on and *fight* for what you deserve (and what your children deserve).

You *will* have to give up OM. There is *no* chance of things working while he is in the picture. If you commit yourself to making it work, then you have to commit 100% -- that means giving him up. You may not be able to think this way yet; but watch, you talk to the OM about it and he will try every manipulation to keep you -- I love you, guilt, etc. -- but they will be manipulations, you see, you are feeding his addiction to fantasy too. And attractive fantasy is very hard to give up in the face of a (temporarily) unattractive reality. Just hold onto the concept that in the real world, by the numbers, the relationship with the OM will fail because it wasn't built on strong roots and grounded in reality. Your feelings *are* real, but they're a product of unstable beginnings -- it cannot work, not in the way it is now. I know this is hard. It's turning your back on love. Albeit, "honeymoon" stage and fantasy love.

And as graphic as it seems, do you want to possibly lose the respect of your kids (they will turn against you) and the possibility of repairing your marriage over a guy you've (intimately) known for a couple months (at best)? I know you don't want to hear this, but it is truth. And I know you think it is truth by your reply above.

Now that you have taken this step, I *strongly* encourage you to go to the marriagebuilders weekend seminar -- it is a weekend seminar that talks about practical steps to making marriges work and has concrete plans of action (not just vague concepts, like "learn to communicate" ((yeah, but how?))) to get your marriage back on track. There is also an 18-week home study course that you take with you from the seminar and fax/e-mail back to marriagebuilders. I know i sound like a broken record, but I cannot tell you how valuable they are -- my wife and I have been, and had we gone sooner, it would have saved us oceans of tears.

Ultimately, listen to your gut and do right by yourself. You can never look down on yourself and kick yourself around if you do the right thing. The right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do, and there are no guarantees, but if you listen to your gut -- not your head, not your heart, you will never be ashamed of yourself.

Please, spend some more time over at the site, hit the bulliten boards over there, *get the books* *go to the seminar* -- it's not only an investment in relationship and future, it's an investment in yourself and your family's future.

If you want me to recommend some books for him to read, let me know. And let me know if you need to talk. This is a very, very hard and delicate situation.

 

[THeMaCHinE]

BTW, his thoughts of suicide are completely normal. He will need *a lot* of hand-holding right now. Every now and then, just hug him. It may take him time to get over it, but it will pass.

*Get him in counseling* he needs it right now (I cannot stress this enough) and most insurance plans will cover it. Tell him there is no shame in it. It's the same as when a car breaks down, you take it to a professional to fix; well, our emotions break down, take them to a professional.

Another general thought to go by -- don't worry about "winning", worry about doing what works. Once you give yourself permission not to *have* to win at all costs (much like you've given yourself permission not to make any decisions right now), life becomes *so* much easier and healthier for everybody.

It may take time, but ultimately, the more giving you are with your H, the more giving he will be back to you.

It never ceases to amaze me how all of us at times are more friendly and courteous to a complete stranger on the street than we are to those closest to us.

Protect the ones you love, become their friend, their confidant, somebody they can trust, somebody that can share their innermost feelings without the fear of scorn or dissapproval. Start from friendship again and build up.

GET BABYSITTERS!!! You and your H need *alone* time right now. Dates, dinners, dancing, face-to-face time; you can't do this in front of the TV, or with kids pulling at you.

Read about the "LOVE BANK" at MB -- it will explain a lot. It's under basic concepts I think.

You are alive, you will survive.

 

[Alkybanshee]

Damn MACHINE! Are you a shrink or what!?!?! This is quality stuff here, if I have probs I'm just gonna ask you!

BD--- Hang in there it sounds like you have a guy who really does care. (Your Hubby of course, not the OM!)