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How does it feel to have aids?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Nihilist
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Nihilist

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this may be a rude question,but its not intended to be.

i was just wondering what it felt like.
 
How does it feel?

Wow, what an open ended question. I usually give an entire lecture to schools and other groups into scaring them about AIDS. While each person with HIV disease feels different, I can only give you my own take on it.

It started for me about seven years ago. As a Gay man, I had in the past regularly been tested for HIV with all tests negative. But all of a sudden my life stabilized and for the first time I felt loved (in a parentally way and not in terms of having a lover). My job situation also stabilized, from working in a leather/SM bar, to a corporate job at Staples. Life was good, and my sex life slowed down because I didn't need sex as a substitute for love. So I stopped my routine of getting tested every six months. I loved my job at Staples, but it was not a pro-Gay company to worked for, and because of this, I didn't advance much within the company, but they couldn't deny that I was a hard and knowledgeable worker bee and they reluctantly kept this openly Gay rebel.

About three long years later, and after a lot of anti-Gay harassment, I finally got my first promotion, Just a few months later, I came down with what I thought was a bad chest cold, not thinking it was anything more serious. I was putting in sixty hour work weeks, and I thought the stress of that lead to this cold. Well, I could not shake it, and as I got worse, various medicines were given to me that had no effect. I finally went to the emergency room complaining about this. After having had several tests that came up negative, I made an off-handed remark to on of the doctors there saying that most of the times when I had a bad chest cold, what I spit up was thick stuff, but this time, it was light and frothy stuff from my lungs. The doctor froze in his tracks and said I probably had PCP, an AIDS defining pneumonia, and needed to be admitted immediately. Well, it did turn out that I had 'full blown' AIDS, way past the stage of mearly being HIV+. PCP was not seen in the ER much any more, because there is cheap medicine for those who know that they are venerable to it.

After my treatments began in the hospital for PCP, I had skin lesions show up on my body at the rate of one per day, including internally. They even showed up on my feet making it very painful to walk. The hospital was freaked out by the rapidly of my KS lesions and transfered me from Worcester, to Boston. After sever conventional treatment were unsuccessful in treating my cancer, I was put into an experimental protocol which included taking hyper dosages of vitamin A (Retin-A). I had all the classic signs of a cancer patient, all my body hair fell out, I had scaly skin, headaches, etc. My cholesterol count went up to 1200! You could see yellow strands in my vials of blood. The treatment worked, and my lesions were finally reduced on my body and inside of my mouth (and probably my lungs).

When my KS started to stabilize, my anti-HIV treatment began with a triple dose therapy (also called a so-called cocktail of drugs). I threw up a lot at first because of the AZT, one of the drugs in the combination. There were also times during the day when I would take my Crixivan and could not eat in order for the drug to work. I was so sick, that it took years to fell well enough to be able to any work or activism on the AIDS front.

Now, seven years later, I still have side effects from the drugs (loose stools, terrible nausea, etc.) But I am well enough to work out again and to stand up for my rights to have my doctors prescribe steroids and Test for me. I eat as much as I can just to maintain my weight, and I don't progress in the gym as well as I would like to, but I am slowly putting my life back together.

Well, that's the freeze-dried version of how it feels to deal with the virus. Feel free to write to me on this thread, or privately if you would like and I will try to answer your questions. Thanks!
 
wow.

thank you for being as frank about this as you are. in the only good turn i can do for you, heres a site to check out: www.medibolics.com

good luck with this bro.
 
Re: How does it feel?

alanchiras said:
Wow, what an open ended question. I usually give an entire lecture to schools and other groups into scaring them about AIDS. While each person with HIV disease feels different, I can only give you my own take on it.

It started for me about seven years ago. As a Gay man, I had in the past regularly been tested for HIV with all tests negative. But all of a sudden my life stabilized and for the first time I felt loved (in a parentally way and not in terms of having a lover). My job situation also stabilized, from working in a leather/SM bar, to a corporate job at Staples. Life was good, and my sex life slowed down because I didn't need sex as a substitute for love. So I stopped my routine of getting tested every six months. I loved my job at Staples, but it was not a pro-Gay company to worked for, and because of this, I didn't advance much within the company, but they couldn't deny that I was a hard and knowledgeable worker bee and they reluctantly kept this openly Gay rebel.

About three long years later, and after a lot of anti-Gay harassment, I finally got my first promotion, Just a few months later, I came down with what I thought was a bad chest cold, not thinking it was anything more serious. I was putting in sixty hour work weeks, and I thought the stress of that lead to this cold. Well, I could not shake it, and as I got worse, various medicines were given to me that had no effect. I finally went to the emergency room complaining about this. After having had several tests that came up negative, I made an off-handed remark to on of the doctors there saying that most of the times when I had a bad chest cold, what I spit up was thick stuff, but this time, it was light and frothy stuff from my lungs. The doctor froze in his tracks and said I probably had PCP, an AIDS defining pneumonia, and needed to be admitted immediately. Well, it did turn out that I had 'full blown' AIDS, way past the stage of mearly being HIV+. PCP was not seen in the ER much any more, because there is cheap medicine for those who know that they are venerable to it.

After my treatments began in the hospital for PCP, I had skin lesions show up on my body at the rate of one per day, including internally. They even showed up on my feet making it very painful to walk. The hospital was freaked out by the rapidly of my KS lesions and transfered me from Worcester, to Boston. After sever conventional treatment were unsuccessful in treating my cancer, I was put into an experimental protocol which included taking hyper dosages of vitamin A (Retin-A). I had all the classic signs of a cancer patient, all my body hair fell out, I had scaly skin, headaches, etc. My cholesterol count went up to 1200! You could see yellow strands in my vials of blood. The treatment worked, and my lesions were finally reduced on my body and inside of my mouth (and probably my lungs).

When my KS started to stabilize, my anti-HIV treatment began with a triple dose therapy (also called a so-called cocktail of drugs). I threw up a lot at first because of the AZT, one of the drugs in the combination. There were also times during the day when I would take my Crixivan and could not eat in order for the drug to work. I was so sick, that it took years to fell well enough to be able to any work or activism on the AIDS front.

Now, seven years later, I still have side effects from the drugs (loose stools, terrible nausea, etc.) But I am well enough to work out again and to stand up for my rights to have my doctors prescribe steroids and Test for me. I eat as much as I can just to maintain my weight, and I don't progress in the gym as well as I would like to, but I am slowly putting my life back together.

Well, that's the freeze-dried version of how it feels to deal with the virus. Feel free to write to me on this thread, or privately if you would like and I will try to answer your questions. Thanks!
Click to expand...

That's one hell of a story....Hang in there, buddy!

Quick question:

You said that you have been tested regularly for HIV before....and when you got tested again after a while they found out that you have AIDS..

How was that possible?
 
In the short time of 2 1/2 years I must have gone from being HIV+ to having full blown AIDS. The average person gets about ten years (without treatment) to develop AIDS. Must have been the 60+hour work weeks I was putting in that led to the strain on my immune system. Thanks!
 
dam man, that scared the hell out of me! Ive had a cold like thing I havent been able to shake for like 4-6 months. It finally started letting up last month or so and Im no longer coughing stuff up alot like I was. I mostly did it in the shower in the mornings coughing up 3-4 times some pretty big luggies(sp). I also have to just about fight to get the energy to workout and fight alot of weird pains and aches. I dont have medical coverage but will get it at the beginning of the year when they let us . Thanks for being so frank and open about it
 
have you ever considered goin on mega doses of juice to see if you can make better gains at the gym?
 
Actually, Yes. But I use my real name on here and am afraid of ordering steroids. I'm guessing that Rick Collins doesn't do any illegal steroids for the same reason - that someone might be out to nail his ass. Satch, I am currently on 200ml of generic Deca every other week, and daily doses of Androgel (not great for Test replacement My Doctors also know That I'm on paper d-bols but may end them because of high cholorestrol counts. I would love to be on a good, strong stack - I've been a skinny kid all my life and only have muscular legs. Maybe with the right connections at the right time, I might stick my neck out on the line - and all for my own health dammit! Thanks!
 
alanchiras, I'veread your posts before but never knew your story. I'll keep reading them, but now I know you speak with wisdom I don't have. Keep up the fight - thanks for sharing.
 
alanchiras said:
[ I would love to be on a good, strong stack - I've been a skinny kid all my life and only have muscular legs. Maybe with the right connections at the right time, I might stick my neck out on the line - and all for my own health dammit! Thanks! [/B]
Click to expand...

yes you can change your body from skinny to buff (and not necessarily with juice) you will learn that it is more than just going to the gym and importance of diet (and juice).

i think many guys on this board have done that, including myself. this is a good place to get good advice on stacks and find what you are looking for after you start making friends.
 
First off, if you got caught ordering aas, I don't think there is a jury in this country that would convict you due to your condition.

I also think you should bump the deca to 300mg/wk, and the test to at least 500mg/wk. 30mg dbol a day, and you'll be on your way to packing on the mass.

This is just my opinion....

btw- keep up the good work and stay strong!
 
Sounds good rodneyabs, now I just need to find a good source for them. I use the 'cat' for my paper. Have just done a self injection in the butt for the first time last week, so I fear the needle much less now that I can do it myself (not a virgin anymore<YEAH!>) Thanks!
 
Having Aids sucks.

Im 21 years old and ive been positive all my life. It was transmitted to me along with hepatits c during some blood transfusion when i was around 2 or 3 days old. I only found out I was HIV+ when i was 16, got really sick and ended up in the hospital.

So there i am: 16 years old in the 10th grade still a virgin never did drugs never engaged in any type of "risky behavior" and here i got a doctor telling me I had a terminal illness. Great.

I went through all the phases. At first it really didnt hit me what having aids meant. All i thought of was "ok great well now i know and now i can take meds and become healthy. Thats all there is to it." I actually did a pretty good job at dropping my meds consistantly at first, my viral load droped down to undetectable, and about 6 months through the entire ordeal something in me snapped and i finally came to the realization that i was gonna be stuck with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

The next 4 years I woke up and slept thinking of death. Dropped out of hi school.... ( i mean who cares rite wtf do i care about my future im dying neways) I used to look at my wrists alot just mapping them out, following them with my eyes, watching how they split like tree branches. "All i need to do is take a knife rite here and its over" I used to think to myself.

I told a few of my friends and got mixed reactions. Some of them were cool with it and others said they were cool but I could tell they were bothered. I think the social aspect of having aids is the hardest part. Here I am, a 21 heteroseuxal virgin male because i refuse to transmit this disease to someone else. My current best friend who dosent know Im HIV+ is always asking me why i dont hook up with females. I just lie through my teeth and tell him its too much work ive been there and done that when i really havent. I think the worse part of it is the fact that im actually a really good looking guy, I get offers from females trying to get something going all the time but wtf am i supposed to say to them? Yeh sure we can hook up oh btw i have aids? Im well aware of the reacton i would get by reading threads like this one: http://boards.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=46350

Do I blame these people for not willing to have sex with people that are HIV+? No. Because if I didnt have the disease theres no way in hell i would risk the chance of getting it. But then again I look to my best friends relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is absolutely stunning, extremely nice, smart girl - does everything for him and yet he treats her like pure shit. Calls her a worthless slut tells her to stop pmsing the whole 9 yards. And i look at this and i think to myself "is this right? Its this the way its supposed to be? Im sitting here dying of fucking aids while this guy who has no fucking clue how lucky he is to have someone like that in is life treats her like shit and everythings cool? What did I do to deserve this prison of a life? Did I do something really bad in a former life?

I just dont get it. I really really dont.

But Im not just gonna give up and die. If it wasnt for my supportive family I think i wouldnt care less but they have been there for me since day 1 and i know that when i do go theyre never gonna be the same again. So I just have to keep on living life the way I do and hope that some miracle will occur that will release me from this torture.

Am I blessed to have lived beyond my life expectacy? I mean I should have been dead at 11 or 12. Or am I cursed to just have my misery of a life extended on for a longer period of time. At this time I have no clue. I dont know what the future will hold. I can only hope for the best.

Just one more thing, I know you guys hear this all the time through tv radio and magazines and whatnot, but do practive safe sex. You dont want to live the life I live. You dont want to have the life I have.

Stay safe.
 
Oh [7], where do I begin? First of all, I feel for you young man. I have counseled a few people in this area in similar conditions. A few thoughts if it is not a big imposition. First of all, I hope you are properly plugged in to the available services in your area. In the Worcester area, too many young people with HIV, do not utilize the services of their local ASO's due to many emotional reasons. I would urge you to reach out to these agencies for support. You have many emotional issues that have not been fully been dealt with. I also urge you to read all of the major mainstream AIDS publications esp. POZ. POZ magazine has extensively dealt with dating and sexual issues for people like you. Did you know for example that the is a all-hetro singles cruise for PWA's? Could be just what you need. There are also many hetro HIV dating sources on the internet that you should seek out. Also, you are on a weightlifting and anabolic website. Is your doctor giving you AAS and Test? Are you working out with free-weights? Doing this will burn off a lot of your steam and help you physically with your condition. If I may be so bold as to also suggest that it is time for you to wear your status on your sleeve. You need to be open and honest about your illness to ALL around you. If you lose any friendships, are these really the type of people you want to be around? You can start on this board. Like I do, use your real, full name. I know this might be a big step, but it will be best for you in the long run. And remember, Pos-neg couples do exist. You tell all us to practice safe sex and yet you deny yourself the enjoyment of a sexual encounter. You too can use a condom, or find a mate that already has HIV. Do I sound like I'm talking bullshit? PM me if you want or use this open forum to ask more questions. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours, Alan.
 
Hey Alan, I appreciate the support.

Yeh I live out here in Long Beach, CA and Im semi-involved with the hiv services out here. CARE services and such - I got a social worker the whole 9 yards. I used to attend a ps youth group but i havent gone back in months, mainly because the group is pretty small and is comprised of 90% homosexual males. Not that I have any type of problems with homosexuals, I had homosexual friends before I knew I was positive and I still know a couple of homosexual guys that I still stay in contact with. Love is never a wrong thing why discrimnate on someone elses sexual preference?

That being said I dont attend the groups anymore because I dont really feel like I relate to the rest of those people. I dont mean this in a derrogatory way but HIV is a bit more accepted in the gay community then in the heterosexual community. If anything else, its more widely understood.

I realize its an anabolic steroids board, I just decided to post because the question was asked about how it feels to have AIDS on a daily basis, so I thought id throw in my 2 cents.

Theres this other positive female in exactly the same boat as me: contracted it through a blood transufsion when she was a baby and found out when she was 10 years old but she shares alot of views I do. She says shes going celibate as well because she couldnt live if she knew she transmitted HIV to someone else.

Im acceptant of the cards life has dealt me. It is only after you have lost everything that you can truly live. Ive gone to psychiatrists and therapists and what-not to discuss my issues. They end up telling me "death is always an option" and give me prozac and send me on my merry way. My therapy nowadays? MDMA (also known on the streets as ecstacy).

Hetero HIV dating resources mainly apply to people ages 30 and over (and even 30 is hard to find) Ive done extensive research on the net for young adult positive websites and the numbers are far and betweeen.

Ive worn my status on my sleeve before and all i got for it was "die aids fucker" spraypainted on my locker. I rather not go down that road again - I actually moved across the country from North Carolina to Califronia to start a new discreet life out here.

As far as my best friend goes, I know he wouldnt freak out or anything. I saved his life last week because he OD'd on a number of drugs including cocaine diflucan and ecstacy and started ceisuring. For a second I thought he was dead but I was so high on MDMA there wasnt any remorse on my face. His gf was hysterical at the time, she thanked me for being there for them during their time of need and having a cool head and such. A bit ironic that a dying man saves another persons life heh. But getting back on topic i know hed be alrite with it but once you tell someone that sort of thing they never look at you the same. Theres always that nagging voice in the back of your head that says "he has aids watch out." Becomes an awkward situation.

My real name is Andre Davis I really dont mind giving it out over the internet. Ive accepted the fact that I have HIV. Most people just take a different route and try to go back to their daily lives and try to live a "normal healthy life" in society. Heh. I say society dosent accept me as an equal they accept me as a victim and an anomaly so why should I care? I dont work i sell drugs. What are they gonna do give me a life-sentence in prison? HAH. They better get in line because that was handed to me years ago.

As far as my health goes, my body is used to the virus by now. My doctor has me on a regimen of sustiva videx and kaletra but I dont follow it because i can overheat and die from kaletra and ecstacy. Besides its impossible to take a regimen when youre living a youths lifestyle. When 10:00 rolls around and its time for me to swallow up some meds im usually at a houseparty too drunk to remember. I have a nutritionist shes got me lifting weights 3 times a week and on a 2600 calorie diet with 100 grams of protein a day. Im around 5'11 165 lbs but Id like to achieve alot more muscle mass which is why i was interested in this forum in the first place.

Anyways alan, thanks again for the support. I dont really expect people to feel sorry for me because I live how i live by choice. If I wanted to I could live a healthier, more productive life. Hell I could live to be 80 if I took my regimen like im supposed to (its extremely effective on the strand i have) but who the hell wants to live that long with aids? :)

Take care bro
 
.............

Jesus fucking Christ.. Ive never been to this particular board. This thread is fucking killing me.


Im sure the last thing either of you want is sympathy... but

fuck I dont even know what to say.

I have the ultimate repsect for both of you and the strength ytou are showing.

[7] I cant even imagine... just respect for sticking around. For enduring.

I have some rough times in my life... but reading your stories makes me realize how easy Ive had it and what Ive taken for granted.

Karma to both of you... I know its basically worthless in the grand scheme of things. Good luck to both of you Alan and Andre.


Andre just a very curious question for you? Why dont you hook up with an HIV+ female? It would seem like the ideal situation in such a bad life circumstance? Is there some further risk to something like that..?
 
alanchiras said:
Ego strokes like 'Karma' are always welcome. I always wondered why Rick collins and I haven't been flooded with it. It's just fun, I guess. Thanks, and time to stuff more poison down my throat! Alan.
Click to expand...

Just gave you a big dose of karma.....you are something, Alan!

How do you feel right now? Hope your health is OK!

OAS
 
Jesus Christ, this is friggin depressing.
No disrespect meant here guys. Personally you are the 2 strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of contacting. Seems everyone on this board measure strength with benching or muscle mass. Here is true strength, perserverence, courage, and just the God-Given instinct to survive.

Its people like you who make people like myself take a look back on what we do have instead of always complaining about what we don't have.

As for any words of wisdom I can just say that if people can beat cancer then hopefully we gat beat this disease. Look at people/athletes like Sako Kiovu "montreal canadians" & Lance Armstrong both overcame incredible odds to beat cancer.

Keep the Faith guys
You're both real deal heros
and heroes never give up the fight.
 
This is the first time I have been to this board and all I can say is - WOW. I don’t think I have read two more touching stories (Alan and 7) and I just finished "Tuesdays with Moiré." I have been sitting here debating on how the best method to get what I'm feeling right now into words and without sounding like a dick - but I don’t think this is possible so I will just say it- and I do not mean any disrespect to anyone. You have both touched me deeply. I am a hetero sexual male and I have had "many" female partners. Did I use a condom? No, because I am young and invincible right?? I think 7's story should be shared with school kids (high school especially) - a real life story really puts things into perspective. Alan HBO recently did a short series "Angels in America" an unbelievable tale of a young man living with aids in New York. I hope you had the chance to catch it. I believe it is still showing (in re-runs on HBO). The show really touched me.
I still cannot describe what it is about 7's post that touched me so much. 7 if you are still on the boards, please contact me. I am a high school teacher (I teach religion and geography). In religion (catholic high school) we discuss the issues that the students face. A big one being pre-marital sex. Safe sex. I would love to share your story with the class and read the posts you have put on this thread. I will not do this without your permission of course and would not use your real name if that’s is what you preferred. There was just something about the words you chose. The way you expressed you (somewhat) bleak out look on life (again no disrespect). You talk about a "life sentence" - not being afraid of jail. Not taking your meds as prescribed because "why would anyone want to prolong a life with aids" - it is this mentality that shows the true effects this disease can have on a young male and I believe will really touch my students. Please contact me - either on this thread or through PM's
Thank you both
JJ
 
Well, I don't know how I have missed the forum. I also have an AIDS diagnosis and have been HIV+ for 15 years and my wife for 20 years. I have had a couple of really close call with Pneumonia, I.T.P. and Cancer among a gang of other "little" stuff. I started taking meds 4 years ago when I found out the reason I had trouble breathing was because my lungs were marked with Cancer. Meds are great 'cause they saved my life and they suck at the same time because of the side effects which are way too long a story to tell here.

Right now I am doing well I have been training my ass off and am coming in @5'11" and a lean 215lbs hitting a 380 pound bench. I do use steroids, they have saved my life! When the shit hits the fan the first thing that happens is the weight starts to drop because AIDS is so catabolic, so I call it my insurance policy!! I have seen a bout of Pneumo take 20lbs. in three weeks.

I am sure I will be able to add more to this forum but mostly I wanted to commend the Admin. for putting a section such as this on a bodybuilding forum and more so the people who have braved the usual AIDSphobia to find support and share hope. I was infected by sharing a dirty needle with my then girlfriend and my wife was infected through unsafe sex at age 16 in 1984. I am so fortunate to have found my soulmate who is also a bodybuilder, I know that many of us are not so lucky. It is a terrible disease that carries a prejudice like no other. Would 7 have been attacked like that if he had Cancer or M.S., Fuck No! Everyone would have been kissing his ass trying to help!!! People like 7 and kids who are infected through childbirth are innocent victims who had no part in their demise.

I have similar feelings for my wife because in 1984 there was no information out there teaching heterosexuals about safe sex because it was a "Gay" disease! The fact that people actually still believe that shit in certain places is unbelievable!!!

I take responsiblity for my infection I am not a victim, I knew the consequences but at that point in my life it wasn't that important. I mean I was just sharing a little dope with my girlfriend...right?

7, I understand a lot of what you're going through. When I tested positive I thought I would never have sex again or find love. I too was terrified of infecting anyone else. Believe me bro, if you keep looking and put yourself out there no matter how scary it is it will happen for you but you can't buy what you're not shopping for. I met my wife after I saw her on T.V. and emailed her after, scary? FUCK YEAH!!! But I have a love and sex like I never thought possible. It helps that she has AIDS too and is still fine as fuck but that's not the only way, there are girls that will be down. You just to have to take a chance, personally I would wait a few dates before I disclosed (if they didn't know already) so she would get a chance to know me without the virus staring over our shoulders.

Feel free to email me for anything, we live in L.A. and participate in a lot of HIV+ functions.

Oliver
 
Sedone, great first post! I think we have actually moved people with this thread. Hit all of us back with any questions you may have. Thanks! Alan.
 
great post......very good to here the truth of people who are infected rather than hearing someone else talk about what they never had...thanks for the information
 
Wow... I came to this board to find someones email for G-Plenish and find this thread. You both will be in my prayers. Keep in there, man I cant get over how heavy this thread was.
 
THAT BOY 7 IS ON DRUGS , HE ADMITS SELLing EM , SO FUCK OFF MAN! YOU morron u´r ruining some boy's /girls life... if you have aids it doesn't matter you are still all fucked up, and if i see you on the street I´ll kick your ass myself, u stupid shithead.
I love life, I admire strong souls, I respect ideas, but you make me sick ánd I´m not talking about your condition, I´m talking about your lack of attitud and character and u selling drugs.
So if you go on thinking about suicide, do it and be sure you do it right cos I don't give a fuck about you.
Stupid asshole.
 
Hey its [7] again.

Had to reregister under a new nick to post... seems like elitefitness.com has some strict guidelines about going a week without posting.

Neways, i guess i just came back to say thanks to everybody that listened to my rant... looking back at the post i dont really know what came over me when i wrote those messages... i guess something just snapped inside me and i thought to myself "how do i really feel about living with aids?" and all that came out was rage heh.

Jonny Jacked youre more than welcome to share any posts made with me with your classmates. If you could refer to me as 7 only id appreciate it.

Things have been going ok I guess. Last time i ranted off i was talking about my outlook on my best friends relationship with his gf. Well things have become more complicated as she recently told me she had feelings for me. What exactly do I say to that? heh. The trials and tribulations of love are complex enough without the HIV factor. The situations utterly complicated as it is (I mean come on my best friends gf?) but you throw in the HIV and I feel as if something or someone is mocking me. Taunting me with things I cant have, options that arent available to me, choices i cant make on a clear coincience. The truth of the matter is I feel the same way about her, but im not gonna string her along, letting her think there could be anything between us and then say "oh btw I have HIV."

I know it seems wrong to say, he is my best friend and a best friends mate is off limit for life, but when i see the way he treats her, beats on her... under any other circumstances i would tell her how i really feel about her, if anything else just to get her away from that type of situation. shes such a good person my heart bleeds for her every nite. So whats the sensible thing to do? Tell her I cant. That she deserves someone better than anything I or her bf can offer. Its the only choice I can make without having my coincience eat away at me. Thats life i guess.

As far as my treatment goes, my dad just got laid off from his job after 15 years so there goes my insurance and my doctor. I recently went to see someone here in Long Beach under the CARE program (comprehensive AIDS research and Education.) I like my new doctor, i think its gonna be a positive change. I guess I need to start making some decisions in my life and stop whining about things I cant change and do something about the things I can.

Its funny Im 21 now going on 22 in october, I found out I was positive when I was 16, so ive known about my status for 5, maybe 6 years. and just now am i coming to term with things. I guess I have a bit of a better outlook on lfe now. I could be much worse off than I am right now. I guess Im starting to build some pride out of the fact that ive lived this long with this bs. but whatever.

Milo, like i said before there isnt much option with people my age. If theyre positive theyre not willing to talk about it. the "youth group" i used to go to closed because people stopped coming. 90% of the group were gay teens newly diagnosed, i met maybe 2 females there that were in the same boat as i was but they were both lesbians. Thanks for the suggestion nontheless.

Proxo youre entitled to your opinion but you assume too much. I dont sell drugs to kids I sell drugs to grown adults that are old enough to make conscious choices for themselves about which risks they are and are not willing to take. If I was so heartless as to sell drugs to kids, I would also be willing to have sex with every female i came in contact with without telling them i was positive. I dont expect you or anyone else to give a "fuck" about me. The question was posed and I answered it from my perspective. You can interpret my comments in any manner you like.

Anyways thanks for your comments everybody. Hopefully ill post something else before 7 days are up so i wont have to re-re-register :)
 
7 and alanchiras, god bless both of you...Thank you for your stories...I hope all gets better for both...
 
alanchiras said:
Oh [7], where do I begin? First of all, I feel for you young man. I have counseled a few people in this area in similar conditions. A few thoughts if it is not a big imposition. First of all, I hope you are properly plugged in to the available services in your area. In the Worcester area, too many young people with HIV, do not utilize the services of their local ASO's due to many emotional reasons. I would urge you to reach out to these agencies for support. You have many emotional issues that have not been fully been dealt with. I also urge you to read all of the major mainstream AIDS publications esp. POZ. POZ magazine has extensively dealt with dating and sexual issues for people like you. Did you know for example that the is a all-hetro singles cruise for PWA's? Could be just what you need. There are also many hetro HIV dating sources on the internet that you should seek out. Also, you are on a weightlifting and anabolic website. Is your doctor giving you AAS and Test? Are you working out with free-weights? Doing this will burn off a lot of your steam and help you physically with your condition. If I may be so bold as to also suggest that it is time for you to wear your status on your sleeve. You need to be open and honest about your illness to ALL around you. If you lose any friendships, are these really the type of people you want to be around? You can start on this board. Like I do, use your real, full name. I know this might be a big step, but it will be best for you in the long run. And remember, Pos-neg couples do exist. You tell all us to practice safe sex and yet you deny yourself the enjoyment of a sexual encounter. You too can use a condom, or find a mate that already has HIV. Do I sound like I'm talking bullshit? PM me if you want or use this open forum to ask more questions. I hope to hear from you soon. Yours, Alan.
Click to expand...

Wow. Hetero-HIV+ cruises and HIV+ dating services. Thank god for all of this wonderful technology. I don't have HIV or AIDs, but I am delighted to know that those with it can have the option procreation. I would hate to have AIDs and stay a virgin for my entire life. I mean, there are better things than sex, life is one of them, but sex is good. And I think that sex makes life better. I'm just happy to know that HIV+ and AIDs+ people can find a way to be able to have sex and have fulfilling relationships.
 
PRoXoNEtAPiMpbitch said:
THAT BOY 7 IS ON DRUGS , HE ADMITS SELLing EM , SO FUCK OFF MAN! YOU morron u´r ruining some boy's /girls life... if you have aids it doesn't matter you are still all fucked up, and if i see you on the street I´ll kick your ass myself, u stupid shithead.
I love life, I admire strong souls, I respect ideas, but you make me sick ánd I´m not talking about your condition, I´m talking about your lack of attitud and character and u selling drugs.
So if you go on thinking about suicide, do it and be sure you do it right cos I don't give a fuck about you.
Stupid asshole.
Click to expand...

Hey man, thats a pretty fucked up post. You have no right to tell anybody else what to do with their lives.I'm suprised you havn't been banned for life from this forum. You're the asshole, and an ignorant one at best.
Obviously 7 can do whatever he pleases, this is a free country. If he gets locked up, well thats some tough shit for him, but the ppl he sells drugs to don't have to buy them. It's their choice. For some people drugs are a way of life, and whether he is right or wrong for doing drugs or selling drugs, he should still be respected for what he has gone through. I'm sure he's been through much tougher times than you or I, or 99% of the people in this forum could ever imagine.
Selling drugs is the choice he made, but it does not make him a wrong or bad person. He's just another human being trying to survive. If you don't want to buy drugs, then keep your money. But don't come into this forum and be an asshole. Personally, if I knew where you lived I'd like to take a baseball bat to your face. You're the piece of shit, 'PRoXoNEtAPiMpbitch'.
 
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I am speechless.........(literally, I read through this entire post at least 3 times now)

You both are amazing, truly fucking amazing! Not that it means anything, but I have the upmost respect and admiration for the both of you. I cant get over the incredible character you have demonstrated through the experiences that you have so brilliantly articulated. I dont remember the last time wherein something I read caused me to feel so much.

I dont have to tell you to be strong.....because you already are............I don't have to tell you to find hope........because you already have..........but there is one thing that I DO have to tell you ........thank you! As cliche as it sounds, its threads like this one that educate, enlighten, and inspire! You've helped to make a better person out of everyone who took the time to UNDERSTAND what was shared here.

One last thing, 7, you are 100 times the man I am, I can see that in your post, and most notably in your response to that little shit PROXYBITCH! My response to him wont be so kind............

Now listen here PROXBITCHWHATEVERTHEFUCKYOUCALLYOURSELF........Lets just refer to you as "the little BITCH" for short. First of all, you have GOT to be kidding.......the word "character" should not EVER escape your mouth (or your keyboard given this enviorment) because (based on your post) you CLEARLY DO NOT understand its meaning. What the fuck do you know about character? Perhaps you should enlighten us......what makes your character so great? What the fuck have you gone through in your life that gives you the authority to be so fucking judgemental (and there is a big difference between having an opinion and being a judgemental piece of shit ). You know nothing (and it shows)! You are sad and pathetic, and 7's response illustrated that to everyone much better than I ever could.........




..........but that dosen't mean that I'm through with you yet...........Not only are you desperately lacking a brain, a heart, and a soul, but your a fucking hipocrit to top it all off. You condemn 7's use of drugs (violently I might add).....yet.....you use them yourself

reference "littleBITCH's" Smoking weed
http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?p=3532090#post3532090

reference "littleBITCH's" taking Var
http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309480

So dickhead.....in case you didn't know......both of these are classified as DRUGS! Which just goes to speak volumes of your character doesn't it? Whats worse.....is that in one of your own threads/posts.......you yourself lightheartedly make a statement that you "deserve to die" (...over freezing up when trying to speak with a female...).......again.......more character demonstrated by littleBITCH.

Oh and as far kicking someones ass in the street......."littleBITCH"....just stop......I bet you still wet your pants. You sound like a little kid who's probably all of 5'9 in height (with 3 inch boots on) and weighs in at 177 lbs (soaken wet in your heaviest winter gear).....so Poon...no baseball bat would be necessary here...you'd probably break his jaw by just bitchslapping the "littleBitch". Actually, it doesn't matter what the fuck his stats are...he's got no heart.....and therein....he's nothing more then a weak coward! (One last thing "littleBitch"......anyone can be a tough guy on the internet.........but dear God I wished you lived near me.....shit I would even travel for this one.)

I apologize to everyone (except for "LittleBitch" of course)for stooping so low here.......I just can't believe how STUPID some people are. Your own pathetic existance is punishment enough. Asshole.


Not2B4GotN
 
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Just read these posts. I'm just in awe at how strong both you guys are. I couldn't be half the men you two have become. Albiet it came through such terribly tragic origins to come to this, your strength is something all of us can admire. Through only a tragic situation, can you find some of the strongest men out there. Anyone can lift 500lbs, but only the absolute toughest can kick a life-threatening illness in the ass, and proclaim their desire to live and enjoy life til 100 to the world.

As one doctor told me long time ago -- sometimes, 80% of the healing comes from your positive internal mindset. It is by far your strongest weapon. Clearly you two have obtained this trait very well. It is this aspect that is an inspiration for everyone. Everyone who deals with tragedy. Everyone who deals with negative influences in their life. Everyone who thinks things are just useless -- can always seek inspiration from goliaths like you.

Good luck, and refuse to surrender. ever.

btw: 7, I'm also in long beach, ca.
 
Alanchiras you are the man! And SeVen keep your head up bro. Best of luck and regards to both of you guys. My thoughts are with you both!
 
wow and i bitch over anxiety and other stupid shit. you guys are tough! its whats inside that counts. there is hope for the future
 
satchboogie said:
have you ever considered goin on mega doses of juice to see if you can make better gains at the gym?
Click to expand...

Correct me if im wrong but with aids you are probably taking alot of meds so massive amounts of roids probably wouldnt be the best thing
 
A lot, no. But in moderate amounts and with blood tests on liver function, my doctor has virtually every one of his paitents on some form of Test/AS. Alan Chiras.
 
:rainbow: Hey Everyone....I can't believe I missed this thread.
Here is my take on "Living"
It started back in 1987. I feel in love, with someone I thought was the greatest. Still a virgin at that time. When we first began to learn about each other, he had told me he had been tested. He was Negative at the time we moved intogether. We never used protection, since we was negative and I had never been with anyone, we didn't see need. Well as the years went by we made of great life. Then one day a didn't feel very well. This had went on for like a month. Soon I got worse. Coughing, fever, not eating, sore throat. I finally went to the Dr. It was one of those walk-in type places. I saw the Dr, he thought I had Bronchitus. He also asked If I had ever been tested for HIV. I told him no, but he suggested I get tested as long as I was there. Well I went home, with my Antibotics, but I was not getting any better. Finally my results were back..POSITVE. It really didn't phase me like most, I was too sick to even think about what I was just told. After that he did an X-ray, to see if there was something else going on. I had something called PCP. He had recommend I go to a Infectious Disease Dr. I did not keep it a secret that I had gotten test. I told my Boyfriend, and my mom. She freaked out, we all worked for the same company, only she was across the street in another building. We all left at the same time that day, I told my supervisor. He was very understanding. I went to the new Dr. He was real nice. Changed the antibotics, to another one that treated PCP. He said we weren't going to start treatment yet, but once I was over the PCP we would. As that week went on , I got worse real quick. It took about a week after I saw him, that I went into the hospital. I could not breath very well, and the fever would not go away. My parent had went to Tn. to get away from the stress. I suggeted it. Well they had to come home quickly. My mom stayed at the hospital with me, as most mother would do. It was then my Doctor had told me, that I had full blown AIDS. My mom fell apart, but I still was not phased. Two day later, my left lung colasped, then the following week the right one went as well. So, there I was very sick in intensive care, both lungs collapsed, hooked up to all theses machines. Nothing the Dr's did helped to fix the lungs. The PCP had been so bad, that it was killing of parts of my lung tissue. Finally they performed surgory. They went in and scrapped all the dead tissue off my lungs. During this time I had missed several important events. Easter, my birthday, mother's day, and my dad's birthday. I got to come home after being in the hospital for 6 weeks. When I left I had only 50 t-cells left to protect me. I moved in with my parents, till I got better. I finally went back to work, that was a issue in itself. It was a union company, and someone found out and made a big deal, and it was decided that all three building had to be notified about the situation. I worked for maybe 6 months, before I got sick again. This time it was something called Crypto Cocus. It's a head ache from hell. I have only spoke to one other person who had it. It is a form of Mengitus. it's basically a fungus that attacks the lining of the brain. I had a spinal tap, to confirm the diagnoses. Started treatment for that, and was on medicatin for many years to controll it. The list goes on as to what I had. I even went blind in my left eye, reason was unknown. I had a Cornea transplant to correct my sight. My t-cell count had gotten as low as 1(one).
I split with my Bf, in 1992, after being with him for 7 years. He admitted he started to cheat , after our 4th year together. He had only thought about his needs and was not using protection. Thus giving it to me. He died sometimes in the 2000. Cancer of the tongue and throat.
I went on disablity, in 1993 and just started to regain myself and my health. Did not date for fear, but now I have found love, and we have been together for nearly 7 years. My healths had gotten so great that Social Security claimed me no longer disabled. Without warning. It stopped and so did my Medicare. I have not been able to find work, after all it has been over 13 years since my last job. The stress has been greatly increased now. My T-cell have fallen drastically. They were up in the middle 400's , but now they are down in th 100's again. Some of that was my own doing. I went off my Medication, when no one would hire me. I was my thought to get sick with something , so that I could get my medicare back, but it didn't work. All it did was drop my numbers. I am back on them once again and they are on the rise. It has been a 1 1/2 years since it all stopped, and I am still without a job. No medical insurance either. Isn't that something, my own good health was used against me. I was fortunate that the Government can not touch my Medication. I get that through the Ryan White fund.
well sorry this was so long, but thats my story.
We all have differnt things happen to each of us. I wish everone infected the Best of Health in 2005. Those of you not infected, stay that way. Use Protection all the time..... ;)
 
Wow,thanks for being so open Alan.Your story blew me away.I will not take my health for granted anymore after reading what you and some of the others have been through.
 
Alan..I am just curious.But do you know who gave you the disease?And if so how do you feel about it?I mean, personally I wouldnt know what to think..So I was just curious.
 
Thanks..I was just curious.Good luck to you .Honestly you could be mad at the world and be pissed of, but instead your helping others.Thats really great.
 
wnaskor said:
Thanks..I was just curious.Good luck to you .Honestly you could be mad at the world and be pissed of, but instead your helping others.Thats really great.
Click to expand...

alan doesn't spend his life being bitter for things he can't change. :o
 
if you have AIDs can you find a partner with AIDs... or is that bad??
 
roidpuple said:
if you have AIDs can you find a partner with AIDs... or is that bad??
Click to expand...
:rainbow: That's a great big ...YES. Most people who are infected will let the other person know of their status. If they are true to who they are. There are many ways of finding others who are in the "same boat". I found my Partner, or should I say he found me in a Personal AD , which I placed in a local newspaper. We have been together for 7 yrs.
:qt: :p ;) :rainbow:
 
Yes, HIV+ people often look for partners that are also positive. They can help each other with compliance with HIV meds, etc. Alan.
 
so if you find a partner .. with aids.. then you can have sex.. correct..
now you have someone to share the problems with ... sounds ideal..
 
roidpuple said:
so if you find a partner .. with aids.. then you can have sex.. correct..
now you have someone to share the problems with ... sounds ideal..
Click to expand...
:rainbow: Yes..finding a person who happens to be postives, is a great thing. Life issues, meds, and sex..it's all works out great for both. They still should use a condom. That way the different strains of the virus can not mutate into another strain. A Positve and Negative couple can be just as happy...Love rules all... :heart:
 
muscleup said:
7 and alanchiras, god bless both of you...Thank you for your stories...I hope all gets better for both...
Click to expand...

Word. And if the day comes where things get worse, as it does eventually for all of us, you will die with honor because of your unbelievable courage in the face of this. I have spent about a year in the hospital myself because of cancer (metastatic Ewing's Sarcoma) but not HIV/AIDS. I am over it, thank God, but I felt my own mortality knocking and I was afraid and I dove into despair like a lemming. You guys have some fucking balls and I respect you for that. Good thoughts and prayers your way. Peace.
 
emotionally moving thread
I read "And the Band Played On" about 10 years ago
one of those books that was hard to put down
 
This section, I stumbled upon, and it makes the rest seem worthless. I came here just out of curiosity and boredom and am completely blown away.
 
This section, I stumbled upon, and it makes the rest seem worthless. I came here just out of curiosity and boredom and am completely blown away.

I think that's why all of us are so giving of our reactions to the virus for the rest of you. Go 7 and BBB, etc. Alan.
 
I think the people running this site, those openly sharing their experiences here, and everyone else reading and commenting have an incredible amount of courage. I'm really, really impressed.

I'm also positive, for about 8 years now, but my experience is somewhat different. I don't want to minimize everyone's struggle with this disease, I've had my own, but I'm wondering if it would help anyone here interested and questioning, if I shared a very different experience and perspective?
 
njmonmouthguy said:
I think the people running this site, those openly sharing their experiences here, and everyone else reading and commenting have an incredible amount of courage. I'm really, really impressed.

I'm also positive, for about 8 years now, but my experience is somewhat different. I don't want to minimize everyone's struggle with this disease, I've had my own, but I'm wondering if it would help anyone here interested and questioning, if I shared a very different experience and perspective?
Click to expand...





Most definately go for it. I want to know everything I can about this.

Way more information here than you learn in school or hear about.
 
njmonmouthguy said:
I think the people running this site, those openly sharing their experiences here, and everyone else reading and commenting have an incredible amount of courage. I'm really, really impressed.

I'm also positive, for about 8 years now, but my experience is somewhat different. I don't want to minimize everyone's struggle with this disease, I've had my own, but I'm wondering if it would help anyone here interested and questioning, if I shared a very different experience and perspective?
Click to expand...

You should never feel or think what you have to say does not count. It affects everyone in extremely different ways. Tell your story or give your advice. It will all make a difference in the end.
Share away............ :dance2:

BBB :rainbow:
 
OK. As I said I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. Before that time, I was very active in volunteer work as a "Buddy" for people with AIDS, not only to help people out but I wanted to learn as much as I could about the disease, treatments, and how it all affected people. I went from many years of that kind of volunteer work into activism where I learned about everything from a different point of view. All this time I was getting tested regularly, at least once a year.

At one point I got really sick, like the worst case of the flu you can imagine. Very high fever, vomiting, the runs, rashes. I could barely get out of bed for about a week. I went to the doctor, your run of the mill family practitioner. Did all kinds of tests, he was stumped. Did a HIV test, came back negative. Finally diagnosed me with Scarlet Fever. Yes, Scarlet Fever.

A year later, got another test, came back positive. So much for Scarlet Fever. This, I believe, was actually my infection with HIV. The test came back negative because I was not producing antibodies yet, which is what the test looked for, not for the virus itself. At the time, that was the standard.

Initially, I was kind of shocked but not really devastated. I think because I was armed with a lot of knowledge before hand, there was much less fear. I changed docs and went to who I felt was the best in the city at the time based on everything I knew from all my past experiences. I also had for a short time a really weird calmness - like some sort of enlightment - like life just made sense all of a sudden. I've read about others that have described the same feeling. It didn't last, I wish it had.

My first tests, prior to treatment, were not very bad. Low viral load, low end of the normal tcell range. The theory at that time, was "hit early, hit hard". I was put on a two drug regimen and then added a third a little later. None were protease inhibitors - they were new on the market.

Almost immediately my viral load went to undetectable and my cell numbers shot up to the high end of normal. The doc on several occassions told me he believed he was going to be able to "clear the virus" and I would live happily ever after. Again, standard thiniking at the time.

Almost immediately, I felt sick as a dog. Wanted to vomit all the time, not want to eat, felt weak, very tired. It was what I imagined chemo was like. But I stuck with it, the test numbers were great, my quality of life sucked. I was put on Zofran, a drug given to those on chemo to help with nausea. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Over time, I became anemic and was treated with Procrit, which also sometimes worked sometimes didn't.

Over the next couple of years there was a slow change in the thinking and in the activist community, many were raising the issue of the treatment in some cases being more harmful than the disease. I did my home work and decided I wanted to look at alternatives. I was going on year three of good results, feeling like shit. I found a research study that offered the opportunity to come off the meds in a very controlled setting. In return, you took another, less harmful drug that was thought to help prime the immune system. Also started to follow a regimen of mega vitamins, minerals, other supplements that was outlined in a book called "Healing HIV".

I came off the meds and immediately felt better. I was subjected to blood test three times a week for a while, then twice a week, then once a week. My test resluts were very stable over the course of the three years in the study. A low end viral load and high end of normal tcell range. Year two into the study they took me off the other drug. There was no change in the numbers. I was released from the study and have continued to remain off the meds with no change in the test levels. I'm off meds 5 years now, going on year six.

The take aways for those of you interested:

Learn as much as you can, from many different sources and points of view, you never know if you, your friends or someone in your family will need to know.

Test regularly, whether or not you think it could happen to you, I never thought it would.

If you get a really nasty flu like illness, don't let them tell you it's Scarlet fever or some other rare disease. Ask to be tested for the virus, not the anitodies to the virus, but the virus. To be sure, get another test a few weeks later.

If you test positive, take control of your care. Question everybody and everything, especially your doctors. Most doctors do not have the time to keep up with the latest research. You need to do it for them.

Everyone is different, the virus and/or the meds may affect you differently. I have friends who wouldn't think of going without meds for a minute. That's okay, many of them were truly brought back to life with these meds. Some newly diagnosed are much to fearful of having any measurable virus in their blood. That's okay for them too. Make your own choice.

I never once thought from the very beginning that this virus was going to kill me, I still don't. It's something I live with, we have an understanding, this bug and me. It's a stand off at this point. Who knows what time will bring -new approaches, vaccines, eradication, I plan to be here to find out.

So that how it feels, for me, to live with HIV.

Which brings me here now. My new adventure into AAS "therapy". The older I get and the more my body fights this thing on its own, the more help I find I need to keep the energy up and the body in shape. Part vanity sure, part reality yes. A friend, not HIV+, but a competitive bb, enlightened me to the benefits and pointed me to Medibolics and other research. I'm completing my first cycle and feel like a million bucks for the first time in a long time. I get my first blood test results end of the week. Most anxious about any affects from AAS. Keeping my fingers crossed.
 
njmonmouthguy said:
OK. As I said I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. Before that time, I was very active in volunteer work as a "Buddy" for people with AIDS, not only to help people out but I wanted to learn as much as I could about the disease, treatments, and how it all affected people. I went from many years of that kind of volunteer work into activism where I learned about everything from a different point of view. All this time I was getting tested regularly, at least once a year.

At one point I got really sick, like the worst case of the flu you can imagine. Very high fever, vomiting, the runs, rashes. I could barely get out of bed for about a week. I went to the doctor, your run of the mill family practitioner. Did all kinds of tests, he was stumped. Did a HIV test, came back negative. Finally diagnosed me with Scarlet Fever. Yes, Scarlet Fever.

A year later, got another test, came back positive. So much for Scarlet Fever. This, I believe, was actually my infection with HIV. The test came back negative because I was not producing antibodies yet, which is what the test looked for, not for the virus itself. At the time, that was the standard.

Initially, I was kind of shocked but not really devastated. I think because I was armed with a lot of knowledge before hand, there was much less fear. I changed docs and went to who I felt was the best in the city at the time based on everything I knew from all my past experiences. I also had for a short time a really weird calmness - like some sort of enlightment - like life just made sense all of a sudden. I've read about others that have described the same feeling. It didn't last, I wish it had.

My first tests, prior to treatment, were not very bad. Low viral load, low end of the normal tcell range. The theory at that time, was "hit early, hit hard". I was put on a two drug regimen and then added a third a little later. None were protease inhibitors - they were new on the market.

Almost immediately my viral load went to undetectable and my cell numbers shot up to the high end of normal. The doc on several occassions told me he believed he was going to be able to "clear the virus" and I would live happily ever after. Again, standard thiniking at the time.

Almost immediately, I felt sick as a dog. Wanted to vomit all the time, not want to eat, felt weak, very tired. It was what I imagined chemo was like. But I stuck with it, the test numbers were great, my quality of life sucked. I was put on Zofran, a drug given to those on chemo to help with nausea. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Over time, I became anemic and was treated with Procrit, which also sometimes worked sometimes didn't.

Over the next couple of years there was a slow change in the thinking and in the activist community, many were raising the issue of the treatment in some cases being more harmful than the disease. I did my home work and decided I wanted to look at alternatives. I was going on year three of good results, feeling like shit. I found a research study that offered the opportunity to come off the meds in a very controlled setting. In return, you took another, less harmful drug that was thought to help prime the immune system. Also started to follow a regimen of mega vitamins, minerals, other supplements that was outlined in a book called "Healing HIV".

I came off the meds and immediately felt better. I was subjected to blood test three times a week for a while, then twice a week, then once a week. My test resluts were very stable over the course of the three years in the study. A low end viral load and high end of normal tcell range. Year two into the study they took me off the other drug. There was no change in the numbers. I was released from the study and have continued to remain off the meds with no change in the test levels. I'm off meds 5 years now, going on year six.

The take aways for those of you interested:

Learn as much as you can, from many different sources and points of view, you never know if you, your friends or someone in your family will need to know.

Test regularly, whether or not you think it could happen to you, I never thought it would.

If you get a really nasty flu like illness, don't let them tell you it's Scarlet fever or some other rare disease. Ask to be tested for the virus, not the anitodies to the virus, but the virus. To be sure, get another test a few weeks later.

If you test positive, take control of your care. Question everybody and everything, especially your doctors. Most doctors do not have the time to keep up with the latest research. You need to do it for them.

Everyone is different, the virus and/or the meds may affect you differently. I have friends who wouldn't think of going without meds for a minute. That's okay, many of them were truly brought back to life with these meds. Some newly diagnosed are much to fearful of having any measurable virus in their blood. That's okay for them too. Make your own choice.

I never once thought from the very beginning that this virus was going to kill me, I still don't. It's something I live with, we have an understanding, this bug and me. It's a stand off at this point. Who knows what time will bring -new approaches, vaccines, eradication, I plan to be here to find out.

So that how it feels, for me, to live with HIV.

Which brings me here now. My new adventure into AAS "therapy". The older I get and the more my body fights this thing on its own, the more help I find I need to keep the energy up and the body in shape. Part vanity sure, part reality yes. A friend, not HIV+, but a competitive bb, enlightened me to the benefits and pointed me to Medibolics and other research. I'm completing my first cycle and feel like a million bucks for the first time in a long time. I get my first blood test results end of the week. Most anxious about any affects from AAS. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Click to expand...

Interesting story...I'm glad that you shared it with us.

BBB :rainbow:
 
wow what a great thread, my docs wont perscribe roids..i was 180 at my sickest,k couldnt walk had a week chair it sucked. now 5 yrs later im 235 and lifting again and teaching fitness as well. but still everyday i get to wake up to a drug regimen and the realization that nothing will ever change
 
njmonmouthguy said:
OK. As I said I was diagnosed about 8 years ago. Before that time, I was very active in volunteer work as a "Buddy" for people with AIDS, not only to help people out but I wanted to learn as much as I could about the disease, treatments, and how it all affected people. I went from many years of that kind of volunteer work into activism where I learned about everything from a different point of view. All this time I was getting tested regularly, at least once a year.

At one point I got really sick, like the worst case of the flu you can imagine. Very high fever, vomiting, the runs, rashes. I could barely get out of bed for about a week. I went to the doctor, your run of the mill family practitioner. Did all kinds of tests, he was stumped. Did a HIV test, came back negative. Finally diagnosed me with Scarlet Fever. Yes, Scarlet Fever.

A year later, got another test, came back positive. So much for Scarlet Fever. This, I believe, was actually my infection with HIV. The test came back negative because I was not producing antibodies yet, which is what the test looked for, not for the virus itself. At the time, that was the standard.

Initially, I was kind of shocked but not really devastated. I think because I was armed with a lot of knowledge before hand, there was much less fear. I changed docs and went to who I felt was the best in the city at the time based on everything I knew from all my past experiences. I also had for a short time a really weird calmness - like some sort of enlightment - like life just made sense all of a sudden. I've read about others that have described the same feeling. It didn't last, I wish it had.

My first tests, prior to treatment, were not very bad. Low viral load, low end of the normal tcell range. The theory at that time, was "hit early, hit hard". I was put on a two drug regimen and then added a third a little later. None were protease inhibitors - they were new on the market.

Almost immediately my viral load went to undetectable and my cell numbers shot up to the high end of normal. The doc on several occassions told me he believed he was going to be able to "clear the virus" and I would live happily ever after. Again, standard thiniking at the time.

Almost immediately, I felt sick as a dog. Wanted to vomit all the time, not want to eat, felt weak, very tired. It was what I imagined chemo was like. But I stuck with it, the test numbers were great, my quality of life sucked. I was put on Zofran, a drug given to those on chemo to help with nausea. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. Over time, I became anemic and was treated with Procrit, which also sometimes worked sometimes didn't.

Over the next couple of years there was a slow change in the thinking and in the activist community, many were raising the issue of the treatment in some cases being more harmful than the disease. I did my home work and decided I wanted to look at alternatives. I was going on year three of good results, feeling like shit. I found a research study that offered the opportunity to come off the meds in a very controlled setting. In return, you took another, less harmful drug that was thought to help prime the immune system. Also started to follow a regimen of mega vitamins, minerals, other supplements that was outlined in a book called "Healing HIV".

I came off the meds and immediately felt better. I was subjected to blood test three times a week for a while, then twice a week, then once a week. My test resluts were very stable over the course of the three years in the study. A low end viral load and high end of normal tcell range. Year two into the study they took me off the other drug. There was no change in the numbers. I was released from the study and have continued to remain off the meds with no change in the test levels. I'm off meds 5 years now, going on year six.

The take aways for those of you interested:

Learn as much as you can, from many different sources and points of view, you never know if you, your friends or someone in your family will need to know.

Test regularly, whether or not you think it could happen to you, I never thought it would.

If you get a really nasty flu like illness, don't let them tell you it's Scarlet fever or some other rare disease. Ask to be tested for the virus, not the anitodies to the virus, but the virus. To be sure, get another test a few weeks later.

If you test positive, take control of your care. Question everybody and everything, especially your doctors. Most doctors do not have the time to keep up with the latest research. You need to do it for them.

Everyone is different, the virus and/or the meds may affect you differently. I have friends who wouldn't think of going without meds for a minute. That's okay, many of them were truly brought back to life with these meds. Some newly diagnosed are much to fearful of having any measurable virus in their blood. That's okay for them too. Make your own choice.

I never once thought from the very beginning that this virus was going to kill me, I still don't. It's something I live with, we have an understanding, this bug and me. It's a stand off at this point. Who knows what time will bring -new approaches, vaccines, eradication, I plan to be here to find out.

So that how it feels, for me, to live with HIV.

Which brings me here now. My new adventure into AAS "therapy". The older I get and the more my body fights this thing on its own, the more help I find I need to keep the energy up and the body in shape. Part vanity sure, part reality yes. A friend, not HIV+, but a competitive bb, enlightened me to the benefits and pointed me to Medibolics and other research. I'm completing my first cycle and feel like a million bucks for the first time in a long time. I get my first blood test results end of the week. Most anxious about any affects from AAS. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Click to expand...



Great post! Thankyou for sharing a different and interesting perspective.
 
This is one if not the best post I have read on any site ever! It is so real and touching that makes you want to reach out and help someone.

I feel for all of you living with HIV/AIDS. You guys are living legends and should be/feel proud for living your life and be able to stand up and tell your story to others.

Sincerely, I wish you all the best and a very happy & long life.

Dr. JK
 
bodypump2 said:
wow what a great thread, my docs wont perscribe roids..i was 180 at my sickest,k couldnt walk had a week chair it sucked. now 5 yrs later im 235 and lifting again and teaching fitness as well. but still everyday i get to wake up to a drug regimen and the realization that nothing will ever change
Click to expand...


Hey bodypump, know how you feel. You feel good, normal, etc....but its still "there". I'm 23, I feel too young and probably and too inmature to be dealing with this right now. Telling people you have HIV is ten times worse than coming out of the closet. Men in my family don't really worry and do for themselves, we try to fix everyone else. I like to help others out, it hurts me to see them suffer and I feel good to make them better. But, it breaks my heart and I can't do anything when others worry about me....I absolutely and utterly hate it. When I was diagnosed I literally told my doctor "I don't care about me, its hurting everyone else that makes me hurt"....I'm not worried about me. I'll live or I'll die, my experience is mine and thats that....when I'm gone there's nothingness or there's hopefullly heaven. But, what pains me immeasurably is others having to worry about me or think about me.

I've only told my boyfriend, its been three months....I don't know what to do from now. I'm still in denial to a large degree I think. I can't really describe the feeling of hearing that my test results came back positive, it was surreal...didn't really cry all that much. I just kept thinking that there was some mixup, but at the same time knowing 100% that it was true...I know that doesn't make sense. I think that what I'm saying is the disjuncture between reality and perception of the virus.

Since diagnosis, I feel fine...I have a lot of gas, my boyfriend complains about that....but thats about it. I'm normally depressed between november and february, so I really don't feel any different this year. The longer days are coming and my mood is starting to lift and my viral load is going down, so I'm feeling even better in that way. I take drugs for chronic depression (started before HIV) as well as my HIV meds, so I do wonder what the long term effect of all these substances will be.

I haven't really dealt with any of the negative ramifications of the disease so I have no horror stories to tell, just the psychological weight of what its like to get up everyday with this thing in your blood. I love hockey and am going to start playing ice hockey again this summer to get ready for the winter next year, thats one thing that HIV has motivated me to do....and everytime I feel down I realize how lucky I am to have this disease now instead of 25 years ago, but at the same time I am scared. Of what exactly I don't know....but please don't feel sorry for me...thats silly and futile. Donate time and money if you wanna do or feel something. I'm just one person with a specific challenge,whats so damn unique about that....I'm no tragic snowflake. Hug your kids, wife, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend, dog or whatever and tell them that you love them....thats a lot better use of your energy. Have a good day
 
I would first off like to commend everyone who's shared their story, you are all truly strong and inspirational people. Alan I especially admire your drive and commitment to getting out there and educating young people about this affliction. It's unfortunate but it seems even today that the knowledge of HIV and AIDS is still lacking.

I am most impressed at how well everyone that's shared a story seems to have adjusted to their situation, in the light of tradgedy comes hope and rebirth, this is a prime example of this. It would be real easy to just throw your hands up in the air and give up but it takes real strength to not only endure but to come away from it stronger.

Once again, thank you all for sharing, this shit should be on lifetime.... :)
 
really inspiring stories, like any situation life thows at you, you can you turn it in to something positive and gain from it. It seems like the you guys have.
respect!
 
I'm thinking about cleaning up this big 'ol thread and making it a sticky. I didn't think that we would get really good answers and I was at one time ready to delete the entire thread. Now I want to clean it up and bump it.

Thanks! Alan Chiras.
 
Re: How does it feel?

Alan
Thanks for sharing that man. I am new to this site and I am too HIV+, I am approaching the 12 year mark. I discovered I have HIV+ after having my appendix removed. I started to recover but after a few weeks seem to head in the opposite direction. I had some wasting and was lossing weight at an alarming rate, had severe nausea, diarrhea, and an endless fever. My MD finally decided to test me for HIV after I disclosed my sexual orientation. I discover that I not only had HIV but full blown AIDS. I had a viral load of 51k, and a CD4 (white blood cells) of 5. I now have a CD4 of 750, which my MD has found fascinating, he told me that not many people with a CD4 as low as mine ever get it above 200. To answer the question of how does if feel? I am tired alot, but otherwise I feel pretty normal. I dont have a lot of side effects from the medications I tolerate them well. I have a very strong and resistant strain of virus, so I am resistant to most of the medications. It requires me to very strict with taking the meds that I am on so that I dont build resistance to them. The one side effect that I have from the meds is lipodystrophy, a high level of fat deposits, you guessed it in the midsection. While my body is in pretty good shape, I have a belly that is almost impossible to get rid of. Hope that gives a little insight.
Kasper
 
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are such a beautiful person for bearing your soul like that. Thank you.
 
Tell me Allen I have heard that AAS can suppress your immune system,could this be counter productive? Have you tried EQ it really has low sides and you eat like a horse! LOL no pun intended but that is why Boledona was created for. To put lean muscle on horse.Well hope all is well.
 
You see, people blame folks with HIV for getting it, its really the fuckers who cheat during a relationship' fault.
Good luck to you two brosives man.

Its ashame that you can't touch anyone these days out of fear of them contracting the disease then giving it to you. Also note, just because a person is a virgin doesnt mean they cannot have contracted the disease, Im a virgin but I have fingered a woman, but she was on her period *yeah yuck... we didnt know* and I got blood all over my hand. So dont finger people either! (I dunno if IM HIV + or not... so yeah.. fuck lol*
 
[7] said:
having aids sucks.

Im 21 years old and ive been positive all my life. It was transmitted to me along with hepatits c during some blood transfusion when i was around 2 or 3 days old. I only found out i was hiv+ when i was 16, got really sick and ended up in the hospital.

So there i am: 16 years old in the 10th grade still a virgin never did drugs never engaged in any type of "risky behavior" and here i got a doctor telling me i had a terminal illness. Great.

I went through all the phases. At first it really didnt hit me what having aids meant. All i thought of was "ok great well now i know and now i can take meds and become healthy. Thats all there is to it." i actually did a pretty good job at dropping my meds consistantly at first, my viral load droped down to undetectable, and about 6 months through the entire ordeal something in me snapped and i finally came to the realization that i was gonna be stuck with this bullshit for the rest of my life.

The next 4 years i woke up and slept thinking of death. Dropped out of hi school.... ( i mean who cares rite wtf do i care about my future im dying neways) i used to look at my wrists alot just mapping them out, following them with my eyes, watching how they split like tree branches. "all i need to do is take a knife rite here and its over" i used to think to myself.

I told a few of my friends and got mixed reactions. Some of them were cool with it and others said they were cool but i could tell they were bothered. I think the social aspect of having aids is the hardest part. Here i am, a 21 heteroseuxal virgin male because i refuse to transmit this disease to someone else. My current best friend who dosent know im hiv+ is always asking me why i dont hook up with females. I just lie through my teeth and tell him its too much work ive been there and done that when i really havent. I think the worse part of it is the fact that im actually a really good looking guy, i get offers from females trying to get something going all the time but wtf am i supposed to say to them? Yeh sure we can hook up oh btw i have aids? Im well aware of the reacton i would get by reading threads like this one: http://boards.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=46350

do i blame these people for not willing to have sex with people that are hiv+? No. Because if i didnt have the disease theres no way in hell i would risk the chance of getting it. But then again i look to my best friends relationship with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is absolutely stunning, extremely nice, smart girl - does everything for him and yet he treats her like pure shit. Calls her a worthless slut tells her to stop pmsing the whole 9 yards. And i look at this and i think to myself "is this right? Its this the way its supposed to be? Im sitting here dying of fucking aids while this guy who has no fucking clue how lucky he is to have someone like that in is life treats her like shit and everythings cool? What did i do to deserve this prison of a life? Did i do something really bad in a former life?

I just dont get it. I really really dont.

But im not just gonna give up and die. If it wasnt for my supportive family i think i wouldnt care less but they have been there for me since day 1 and i know that when i do go theyre never gonna be the same again. So i just have to keep on living life the way i do and hope that some miracle will occur that will release me from this torture.

Am i blessed to have lived beyond my life expectacy? I mean i should have been dead at 11 or 12. Or am i cursed to just have my misery of a life extended on for a longer period of time. At this time i have no clue. I dont know what the future will hold. I can only hope for the best.

Just one more thing, i know you guys hear this all the time through tv radio and magazines and whatnot, but do practive safe sex. You dont want to live the life i live. You dont want to have the life i have.

Stay safe.
Click to expand...

you where put on this earth for a reason...stay postive and live your life.......
 
Hello guys,
just wanted to express my joy when I read this forum. I am an actor new to L.A. from AUSTIN TX. I have been living with HIV+ for close to 3 years now. Was diagnosed an hour before I boraded teh plane from TX for L.A. I was so terrified I only told my mom right b4 I hoped on the plane eventhough she drove me to teh airport. I had it together, but she cried liek a baby and this made mescared reall quick.

HAven always been the responsible one I felt very disaapointed in myself for letting my family and younger siblings down. But now I am on my meds 01 a day Atripla and its working just fine.

The hardest part is still not telling those in my life. Besides my mom and dad and one of my very good buddies here in L.A. no one else knows about it. I cant eat certain things before my meds. If I forget and eat, it throws me off and I feel like a bad hang over for a good 2-3hours, and I still have to make it in to work. And its hard trying to explain why I am acting weird at work without telling them my HIV meds are messing with me.

The 2nd hardest thing is being able to date. I havent been able to find a girl either poz or a girl who will understand. I have tried the dating sites, but like 7 said they are mostly for people 35 and older and I am only in my mid 20`s. I found this one girl, but she couldnt handle it. I didnt even get to tell her. everytime it came up, she always blamed people who got STD`s and spoke so bad and low of them that I couldnt bring myself to telling her. And everytime she wanted more I couldnt give her what she wanted, hence she always thought I was a wimp--and that doesnt feel to good.

In regards to sex, its been a really long time. I am tired of taking care of myself (pardon the diretcness). Its just very hard finding people who can understand. But I a m blessed for being able to have a job and a mom who understands. My dad still is wierd about it, he has never mentioned it and wants it kept a secret as much as possible. I am still hoping to find a great lady friend who will understand and be willing to build a relationship with me.

Other than that I am coping just fine. Eventhough my buddies dont know, I still try to educate them on safe sex and COMPLETELY encourage safe protected sex.

To 7, keep your head up brother. I understand where you are coming from. I applaud you for your strength. And again thanks to all of you guys for understanding and teh support. It makes a huge difference to feel the support.

I keep gaining weight in the abdomen area. I eat well and have been working out off and on for about a year and a half. My doc. just put me on androgel and I still cant tell if its making a difference. Any thoughts on any good steroids to help me bulk up some. I am 5`11 about 170 lbs. I want to add 10-15 lbs of muscle and loose the body fat. I need the extra boost to boost my confidence so I can command teh camera and start attempting more shirtless roles.

Smooth.
 
I've read all of these posts and have deep respect for all. Though I don't have HIV, I did have a year or so of heart-pounding anxiety that drove me to living on the streets. I was a Naval Corpsman (medic) and was working through a Physician's Assistant program when I got stuck by a dirty needle . Some jackass wasn't paying attention and ran into me just after I had withdrawn a needle from a guy that was getting a full STD workup and it jabed into my forearm. Because of the stick, I found out that his HIV test came back positive (the dude had 16 cases of STDs in the past-go figure). My first test came back inconclusive, so I was taken out of school, out of direct patient contact and sent to work in the clinic's medical warehouse. Three months later I was checked again, a month of that time was spent in inpatient therapy from slicing my wrist deep into the artery (what they call an artirial cutdown) in very hot bath water. I tested negative, but they had to keep me for at least two negative tests (standard at the time). The second turned up negative as well and I was released from the Navy with Bipolar and PTSD. Just the possibility of having it fucked me up mentaly for life. It took 5 years before I got off the streets and now lead a healthy life. But every so often, I think, what if I do have it and it's not showing up?
 
hello, i was dating a guy a while back that was HIV poz. He suggested I try his HGH to see how it made me feel, and increase my working out. I liked it alot ecxept I always looked tired in the eyes. Is this a side effect? I looked like i just woke up all the time.
 
operator_s said:
Hello guys,
just wanted to express my joy when I read this forum. I am an actor new to L.A. from AUSTIN TX. I have been living with HIV+ for close to 3 years now. Was diagnosed an hour before I boraded teh plane from TX for L.A. I was so terrified I only told my mom right b4 I hoped on the plane eventhough she drove me to teh airport. I had it together, but she cried liek a baby and this made mescared reall quick.

HAven always been the responsible one I felt very disaapointed in myself for letting my family and younger siblings down. But now I am on my meds 01 a day Atripla and its working just fine.

The hardest part is still not telling those in my life. Besides my mom and dad and one of my very good buddies here in L.A. no one else knows about it. I cant eat certain things before my meds. If I forget and eat, it throws me off and I feel like a bad hang over for a good 2-3hours, and I still have to make it in to work. And its hard trying to explain why I am acting weird at work without telling them my HIV meds are messing with me.

The 2nd hardest thing is being able to date. I havent been able to find a girl either poz or a girl who will understand. I have tried the dating sites, but like 7 said they are mostly for people 35 and older and I am only in my mid 20`s. I found this one girl, but she couldnt handle it. I didnt even get to tell her. everytime it came up, she always blamed people who got STD`s and spoke so bad and low of them that I couldnt bring myself to telling her. And everytime she wanted more I couldnt give her what she wanted, hence she always thought I was a wimp--and that doesnt feel to good.

In regards to sex, its been a really long time. I am tired of taking care of myself (pardon the diretcness). Its just very hard finding people who can understand. But I a m blessed for being able to have a job and a mom who understands. My dad still is wierd about it, he has never mentioned it and wants it kept a secret as much as possible. I am still hoping to find a great lady friend who will understand and be willing to build a relationship with me.

Other than that I am coping just fine. Eventhough my buddies dont know, I still try to educate them on safe sex and COMPLETELY encourage safe protected sex.

To 7, keep your head up brother. I understand where you are coming from. I applaud you for your strength. And again thanks to all of you guys for understanding and teh support. It makes a huge difference to feel the support.

I keep gaining weight in the abdomen area. I eat well and have been working out off and on for about a year and a half. My doc. just put me on androgel and I still cant tell if its making a difference. Any thoughts on any good steroids to help me bulk up some. I am 5`11 about 170 lbs. I want to add 10-15 lbs of muscle and loose the body fat. I need the extra boost to boost my confidence so I can command teh camera and start attempting more shirtless roles.

Smooth.
Click to expand...

If you don't mind me asking; how did you acquire it? Were you able to find the person that gave it to you and if so how did you deal with that?

Thank you so much for sharing, be strong
 
Read some of the posts, and just want to say to keep it strong!

icecycle said:
amazing thread...
research hiv pos test does not mean you have the virus

HIV & AIDS - Do HIV Antibody Tests Prove HIV Infection?
Peter Duesberg on AIDS - Duesberg.com - HIV / AIDS research website for Peter H. Duesberg.

also you might google "aids inc."
or even
NEWS Releases: Dr. Boyd E. Graves' Research & News Archives 1999 - 2009
Click to expand...

bumping the above info someone posted earlier.

I have researched this topic in the past, and while researching I've read of people being diagnosed HIV+ but then went somewhere else and got tested again and was diagnosed HIV-. If you've been diagnosed HIV+ have you ever got tested again somewhere else? The HIV testing is presented as a gold standard kind of test but that doesn't seem to be the case. Read the first article that someone posted up which speaks about the HIV testing. And from what I understand (correct me if i'm wrong..) "full blown aids" has no real definition except that if you are HIV+ *AND* have contracted some kind of serious disease then you have full blown aids. For example, if you have pneumonia and are diagnosed HIV+ then you have AIDs related Pneumonia. If you have Cancers then it's Aids related cancer. And they treat you for Aids which because they are very strong, toxic drugs they actually cause many of the Aids symptoms.

The aids "fact or fraud" argument has been long debated, and I'm not sure exactly who is right, and you can definitely find rebuttals of rebuttals of rebuttals of the each side's view. But with that, there are a lot of question marks open, which makes me leery to recommend an HIV+ person to seek the standard medical treatment of the HIV toxic drugs, but perhaps they have made advancements in different drugs, I am not sure, but would be skeptical and cautious about it.

Here is a documentary uploaded in 7 parts in google.com called
HIV-aids fact or fraud, here is part 1: HIV = AIDS: Fact or Fraud?

Now, I am not saying HIV-aids is not a real threat. Nor am I saying that it is. Again, when I researched this in the past, I read rebuttals of rebuttals of rebuttals and it was somewhat inconclusive to me since both sides presented themselves solidly. What I am saying is that there are definitely some questions to be had.

SS
 
I cannot believe the strength in this thread. And just thinking, i complain that i am an asthmatic and moan about having to carry an inhaler with me.

After reading this thread, i feel seriously pathetic.
 
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