Its not about winning, its about going out there and giving it your all, sounds to me you did way more then that, took a step farther then pretty much anyone would in the same situation, pushed yourself to the brink, is that something to be proud of? I sure as hell think so, you will only come out of this stronger my friend, and next time you will nail it (just don't over do it too much ya big lug, world would be a wrse place without you in it) Chin up and smile, be proud