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The Ranger
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Alas....I try my best.....
Ranger
Ranger
Are these people in your gym??
- Thread starter The Ranger
- Start date
JohnnyHollywood
New member
HOLY SHIT LMAO 
strider364
New member
They must be cloning these bastards and sending them to gyms all over. I've got a shitload of those people.
Great post!:
Great post!:
I'm killing myself. Allow me to add a few:
THE CONTESSA: Formerly an Eastern European Olympic gymnast, this melodramatic-looking, super-fit fiftysomething lady does little else but jog slowly around the track, but has managed to build FloJo-like thighs under her lavender spandex outfit, making you wonder how much of her Eastern Bloc drug stockpile she has left over from the glory days. The Contessa likes to be in charge, thus never approaches younger men, but rather will approach an older man to "hit on" him by confiding in a thick accent that she is "trying to work more on her breathing." The Contessa is harmless, unless you are an old man with money.
CATHY COUGAR: This 30ish fiery red haired woman, unlike the Contessa, likes younger men. Although employed full time as a lawyer, she has also returned to university to take night classes, and has joined the university gym. Spends long hours bending and stretching in the weight room, and is often seen approaching huge 20 year old linebacker types from the school football team. The Cougar looks great now, but be careful not to hook up with her or you might end up like Kurt Warner after you turn pro, and it's going to cost you to get rid of her then, brother.
GREEN CARD SVEN: Sven is a painfully thin 40-something male who has bounced around from gym to gym telling the same implausible stories. If you have the bad fortune of wearing a t-shirt indicating a preference for the New England Patriots or the Chicago Black Hawks, he will constantly interrupt your leg workouts to badger you in his thick Swedish accent - "How are your Pats doing?" This is just a lead-in to his claims that he was once a kicker for a college team and had tryouts with several NFL teams. Eventually, it is revealed that the highlight of his life was being a team mascot for a UCLA team. Sven does the odd set of leg presses to keep his 135-lb frame healthy and to justify his presence in the gym for eight hours at a time. Since he is borderline homeless, the gym is a convenient place to get in from the cold, and to get a hot shower. Sven will also always remind you to recycle.
SAMMY CIRCUIT: Sammy Circuit is a rather pathetic neurotic accountant in his early 40's who likes to enter 10k races. His weight training sessions must be rigorously timed, and god forbid you be doing a set of leg extensions when Sammy Circuit needs to get on the machine. Sammy Circuit's neuroticism led to his recent divorce. Having grown accustomed to hanging out with a young, pretty wife made possible by his high salary, Sammy now walks around the gym talking with young women so everyone thinks he is "with them." He can't even do a credible job of that, though, as he usually he points at his watch just as the woman is getting interested, and goes sprinting off in the other direction.
PT SCHOOLMARM: 55-year-old personal trainer with dyed Jet Black hair, PT Schoolmarm earns her $5.30 an hour by bothering serious weightlifters with the same lame assed advice she gives to women her own age who have never touched a weight. It's always enjoyable to load up the Hammer Pulldown machine with heavy weights and be halfway through your set when Ms. Schoolmarm decides to hold a conversation with you about the effectiveness of your palms-facing-away grip. Don't worry, you'll win the argument - you're bigger than her.
TOMMY TRANSFORMER: This part-time athlete and part-time gym employee got tired of being 5'5" and 120 lbs, so decided to load up on test and ABombs and wound up with no hair, a jutting jaw, and 180 lbs of rock hard muscle - until the cycle ended. Then he was back to 120. Tommy Transformer is actually two different people, we suspect, as he can be either 180 or 120 on any given day of the week. Once we saw Tommy go from 120 to 180 from a simple trip to the drinking fountain! Although we suspect a few dozen Abombs might have been involved.
PETER MA HUANG AND CO. - This large subset of my downtown gym is of asian descent and seem to have a fondness for the 130 lb. "ripped" look, purchased unfortunately at great cost through constant, excessive doses of dick-shriveling ephedrine. Peter Ma Huang and Co. have recently taken to getting even more ripped up by playing hours of pickup basketball, which they are phenomenally bad at. Stay far from these guys. For starters, a 200 lb. man is going to learn nothing about proper form from guys who are pulling up their own tiny bodyweight with the assistance of enough stimulants to kill an elephant. Second, they always wear a look like they want to fight, and there is no sense in pissing off a wired-up little guy who thinks he's Bruce Lee and wants to be Charles Barkley. When you have trouble getting to sleep tonight, be thankful you aren't part of Peter Ma Huang's posse. They haven't slept in 7 years.
THE CONTESSA: Formerly an Eastern European Olympic gymnast, this melodramatic-looking, super-fit fiftysomething lady does little else but jog slowly around the track, but has managed to build FloJo-like thighs under her lavender spandex outfit, making you wonder how much of her Eastern Bloc drug stockpile she has left over from the glory days. The Contessa likes to be in charge, thus never approaches younger men, but rather will approach an older man to "hit on" him by confiding in a thick accent that she is "trying to work more on her breathing." The Contessa is harmless, unless you are an old man with money.
CATHY COUGAR: This 30ish fiery red haired woman, unlike the Contessa, likes younger men. Although employed full time as a lawyer, she has also returned to university to take night classes, and has joined the university gym. Spends long hours bending and stretching in the weight room, and is often seen approaching huge 20 year old linebacker types from the school football team. The Cougar looks great now, but be careful not to hook up with her or you might end up like Kurt Warner after you turn pro, and it's going to cost you to get rid of her then, brother.
GREEN CARD SVEN: Sven is a painfully thin 40-something male who has bounced around from gym to gym telling the same implausible stories. If you have the bad fortune of wearing a t-shirt indicating a preference for the New England Patriots or the Chicago Black Hawks, he will constantly interrupt your leg workouts to badger you in his thick Swedish accent - "How are your Pats doing?" This is just a lead-in to his claims that he was once a kicker for a college team and had tryouts with several NFL teams. Eventually, it is revealed that the highlight of his life was being a team mascot for a UCLA team. Sven does the odd set of leg presses to keep his 135-lb frame healthy and to justify his presence in the gym for eight hours at a time. Since he is borderline homeless, the gym is a convenient place to get in from the cold, and to get a hot shower. Sven will also always remind you to recycle.
SAMMY CIRCUIT: Sammy Circuit is a rather pathetic neurotic accountant in his early 40's who likes to enter 10k races. His weight training sessions must be rigorously timed, and god forbid you be doing a set of leg extensions when Sammy Circuit needs to get on the machine. Sammy Circuit's neuroticism led to his recent divorce. Having grown accustomed to hanging out with a young, pretty wife made possible by his high salary, Sammy now walks around the gym talking with young women so everyone thinks he is "with them." He can't even do a credible job of that, though, as he usually he points at his watch just as the woman is getting interested, and goes sprinting off in the other direction.
PT SCHOOLMARM: 55-year-old personal trainer with dyed Jet Black hair, PT Schoolmarm earns her $5.30 an hour by bothering serious weightlifters with the same lame assed advice she gives to women her own age who have never touched a weight. It's always enjoyable to load up the Hammer Pulldown machine with heavy weights and be halfway through your set when Ms. Schoolmarm decides to hold a conversation with you about the effectiveness of your palms-facing-away grip. Don't worry, you'll win the argument - you're bigger than her.
TOMMY TRANSFORMER: This part-time athlete and part-time gym employee got tired of being 5'5" and 120 lbs, so decided to load up on test and ABombs and wound up with no hair, a jutting jaw, and 180 lbs of rock hard muscle - until the cycle ended. Then he was back to 120. Tommy Transformer is actually two different people, we suspect, as he can be either 180 or 120 on any given day of the week. Once we saw Tommy go from 120 to 180 from a simple trip to the drinking fountain! Although we suspect a few dozen Abombs might have been involved.
PETER MA HUANG AND CO. - This large subset of my downtown gym is of asian descent and seem to have a fondness for the 130 lb. "ripped" look, purchased unfortunately at great cost through constant, excessive doses of dick-shriveling ephedrine. Peter Ma Huang and Co. have recently taken to getting even more ripped up by playing hours of pickup basketball, which they are phenomenally bad at. Stay far from these guys. For starters, a 200 lb. man is going to learn nothing about proper form from guys who are pulling up their own tiny bodyweight with the assistance of enough stimulants to kill an elephant. Second, they always wear a look like they want to fight, and there is no sense in pissing off a wired-up little guy who thinks he's Bruce Lee and wants to be Charles Barkley. When you have trouble getting to sleep tonight, be thankful you aren't part of Peter Ma Huang's posse. They haven't slept in 7 years.
Ercole
New member
More gym types
Good stuff! LOL. If you don't mind, I'll add a few:
METHUSALETTE JUNIORMISS -- this is the older lady in the pink leotard. Her driver's license says she was born in the 19th century, but she's absolutely convinced dying her hair blonde, dieting till she looks like a skeleton, having collagen injected in her lips, and wearing lots of pastel spandex makes her look eighteen.
Methusalette can be found hovering around the edges of the gym, smiling tentatively and looking insecure.
***
KING MORON -- this is the kid (usually teenage or college age) who hasn't built much muscle yet, but insists on bellowing loudly during every set and throwing his weights down with a bang. Somehow he's gotten the idea that making noise and acting obnoxious are the way to look professional.
King Moron is easily identified by his habit of using the word "fuck" at least once in every sentence. He believes this makes him sound grown-up.
***
MIKE MILITANT -- this is the guy who feels he has to make a major gay rights statement every time he enters the gym. He dresses flamboyantly, wears tanks that expose his nipple rings, and has a smug expression that comes from thinking his appearance strikes a powerful blow against the ruling hetero white-male Establishment. He makes sure everyone's looking when he kisses his workout partner on the lips.
***
MR. HOMO PANIC -- this is the ugly guy with the big gut who's paranoid about "fags" checking him out. He refuses to shower or dress at the gym. Anytime someone happens to glance in his direction he screams "Whatcha lookin' at! What are you, QUEER, you sick fuck?"
Never let Mr. Panic know that no one, male or female, has EVER checked him out at the gym. It would ruin his week.
Good stuff! LOL. If you don't mind, I'll add a few:
METHUSALETTE JUNIORMISS -- this is the older lady in the pink leotard. Her driver's license says she was born in the 19th century, but she's absolutely convinced dying her hair blonde, dieting till she looks like a skeleton, having collagen injected in her lips, and wearing lots of pastel spandex makes her look eighteen.
Methusalette can be found hovering around the edges of the gym, smiling tentatively and looking insecure.
***
KING MORON -- this is the kid (usually teenage or college age) who hasn't built much muscle yet, but insists on bellowing loudly during every set and throwing his weights down with a bang. Somehow he's gotten the idea that making noise and acting obnoxious are the way to look professional.
King Moron is easily identified by his habit of using the word "fuck" at least once in every sentence. He believes this makes him sound grown-up.
***
MIKE MILITANT -- this is the guy who feels he has to make a major gay rights statement every time he enters the gym. He dresses flamboyantly, wears tanks that expose his nipple rings, and has a smug expression that comes from thinking his appearance strikes a powerful blow against the ruling hetero white-male Establishment. He makes sure everyone's looking when he kisses his workout partner on the lips.
***
MR. HOMO PANIC -- this is the ugly guy with the big gut who's paranoid about "fags" checking him out. He refuses to shower or dress at the gym. Anytime someone happens to glance in his direction he screams "Whatcha lookin' at! What are you, QUEER, you sick fuck?"
Never let Mr. Panic know that no one, male or female, has EVER checked him out at the gym. It would ruin his week.
<crying laughing so hard> 
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