Am I the only girl that feels this way??

[gypsy]

We discussed this a very long time ago, before we lived together and it almost felt like an ultimatum - either I change it or he was gone. It goes back to his pride and being macho, I mean, you should see his dad. I've never met a man that just overall hates women as much as he does. I'm shocked that my fiancee turned out to be as cool as he is. When we discussed it, he was like, what will my family say? So that's what it comes down to I think for the most part. He still has issues with his dad, and doesn't want to look weak in front of him. This really bothers me though, and here we are 2.5 months from getting married - I hate to open this can of worms again. All points are against me just in the fact that the mass majority of women do change their name...."why do you have to be a feminist freak?" is what I'll hear. This is on my mind way to much, I can't hold it in. I'm getting ready to write him a vveerryyy long email about this - it's easier to write it, then we can't blow it up into an argument. I'll let you all know what happens. Here we go.....

 

[Werd]

We discussed this a very long time ago, before we lived together and it almost felt like an ultimatum - either I change it or he was gone. It goes back to his pride and being macho, I mean, you should see his dad. I've never met a man that just overall hates women as much as he does. I'm shocked that my fiancee turned out to be as cool as he is. When we discussed it, he was like, what will my family say? So that's what it comes down to I think for the most part. He still has issues with his dad, and doesn't want to look weak in front of him. This really bothers me though, and here we are 2.5 months from getting married - I hate to open this can of worms again. All points are against me just in the fact that the mass majority of women do change their name...."why do you have to be a feminist freak?" is what I'll hear. This is on my mind way to much, I can't hold it in. I'm getting ready to write him a vveerryyy long email about this - it's easier to write it, then we can't blow it up into an argument. I'll let you all know what happens. Here we go.....

I so dont want to "make trouble" but based on what you are telling me there are just waaaaaay too many IMPORTANT negatives.

I married a man a bit more "subtly macho" than what you describe. It was more a control issue for him. After a REALLY ugly divorce/custody battle it finally came out (after psych evaluations, etc) that my ex deep down HATES WOMEN because of his own feelings towards his mother.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but from the little bit you are posting here it seems that you are in for a bumpy ride. Please don't take offense to my last statement.

 

[gypsy]

No offense taken - I already know about his past, his father was/is a control freak and his mother is very meek and quiet. When we got together, he told me I was the first girl he's ever had any respect for. That's really bad, not respecting your mother and than any of the girlfriends after that. Yeah, it was bumpy - VERY bumpy at first, but it's really gotten so much better.

Anyway - I wrote the email. We work in the same company, and I was on his floor talking to someone and he came over. I didn't want to talk about it in person! But we did, and it went very calmly. I'm very surprised. I told him I didn't like feeling like I had an ultimatum, and he just looked at me and said "I was bluffing the whole time". So, he said if that's what I really want, then okay - keep my name. As the conversation went on, I saw him starting to think about it more and starting to get angry.... but he still didn't change his mind. I don't feel great or relieved at all just yet, because I can guarantee this will resurface into a fight at some point, so I'll just wait for that to happen then we'll move on. He's going to have to stew and think about it some more. He says that I need to remember that I "owe him one". Oh boy, I wonder what that's supposed to mean. I'm not going to be all sweet and submissive just because this is happening for me.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

Good luck sweetie.... glad you stood your ground. No matter if you are married, single, or whatever, you deserve to do what you feel is right for you.

Just a couple thoughts though..... changing your name is never REQUIRED. It doesn't show a lack of respect if you choose not to. It doesn't mean you don't love him, or don't want to blend your families. Keeping your name, as well as changing it, is a personal decision.

It is easy to pass judgement on people having never met them, but your fiance's lack of concern about YOUR feelings worries me. He seems to be more focused on how this makes HIM feel rather than listening and trying to understand where YOU are coming from. You don't owe him one, marriage isn't about keeping score.

 

[gypsy]

Your right, but men seem to always think of themselves first - they are pretty selfish creatures by nature, in my opinion. Trust me - the way he reacted so calmly to this was a HUGE step for him. He has always needed "a little work" but he's come so far, I have to give him credit. Seriously - I had really thought this through, and I felt like I was giving him a test. If he reacted terribly and really stood his ground, I was 100% prepared to call the whole thing off. I feel like he passed my test. Owing him one..... well, once we're married, what the hell will he expect from me? I won't sit there and think, "aw, I really ought to give in, since I owe him one". It's all about give and take, and I already do all the work around the house - I figure he can't ask anymore of me, I already do it all We'll see. It's terrible to say, but I've never been the kind of starry eyed girl who believes in true love and marriage being forever. If things don't work, I'd jet. That's just life's reality.

 

[jenscats5]

Good luck sweetie.... glad you stood your ground. No matter if you are married, single, or whatever, you deserve to do what you feel is right for you.

Just a couple thoughts though..... changing your name is never REQUIRED. It doesn't show a lack of respect if you choose not to. It doesn't mean you don't love him, or don't want to blend your families. Keeping your name, as well as changing it, is a personal decision.

It is easy to pass judgement on people having never met them, but your fiance's lack of concern about YOUR feelings worries me. He seems to be more focused on how this makes HIM feel rather than listening and trying to understand where YOU are coming from. You don't owe him one, marriage isn't about keeping score.

I have to agree with what DG said here.........

It looks like he is more concerned with how his family will feel about this than how he feels or how you feel...... (BTW is his family Italian? My ex hubby's family acted this way on my career choice, and it just reminds me of them)

I don't know if you guys are planning on marrying in a church or not, but I remember a little snippet from religion class about a man leaving his family behind & cleaving to his wife or something along those lines......His family won't be living with you (I hope!! ) and thus should not dictate your lives together.....

You shouldn't have to give up your individuality to marry this man & be a part of his family......

 

[mbrooke5]

I like my last name...changing it would be hard...but I think I would do it...dunno...and don't really care cause i am not at the point of getting married!!

 

[Werd]

Your right, but men seem to always think of themselves first - they are pretty selfish creatures by nature, in my opinion. Trust me - the way he reacted so calmly to this was a HUGE step for him. He has always needed "a little work" but he's come so far, I have to give him credit. Seriously - I had really thought this through, and I felt like I was giving him a test. If he reacted terribly and really stood his ground, I was 100% prepared to call the whole thing off. I feel like he passed my test. Owing him one..... well, once we're married, what the hell will he expect from me? I won't sit there and think, "aw, I really ought to give in, since I owe him one". It's all about give and take, and I already do all the work around the house - I figure he can't ask anymore of me, I already do it all We'll see. It's terrible to say, but I've never been the kind of starry eyed girl who believes in true love and marriage being forever. If things don't work, I'd jet. That's just life's reality.

Please forgive me for being so forward. I only know the words you put in these few paragraphs... I could type a very lengthy post to explain what I am going to say but it wont amount to a hill of beans as your reality wont change one iota, so I wont.

YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT BE HAPPY.

Unless, your future husband and you get some serious counseling...

The scenario you described sounds so much like someone I used to know - ME.

It has taken me losing everything and some serious therapy since Mar for me to realize that I never even knew when I was being abused. I am nearing 40 so I am no child, but dammit, I still have sooooooooo much to learn.

The scenario you are describing is very negative. Just because the guy isn't raising his fist to you that doesnt mean that he is not belittling and abusing you.

MATURE CARING SENSITIVE ADULTS DO NOT HANDLE THINGS THE WAY THIS GUY DOES.

His ethnicity has zero to do with it.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but until you figure out why you would settle for a guy who treats you the way your fiance does, you will keep attracting the same sort of guy.

Please, please, please dont take offense. I am sooooooooo not about that.

 

[Gymgurl]

I love tradition and have my husbands name. I would have felt like he wasn't good enough for me if I didn't have his name. I'm very pro-marriage. I have been married for almost 13 yrs and have 3 wonderful little girls. Marrigage is a wonderful thing with the right person

 

[gingersnap]

I'd rather have my husband's name than my father's. Either way you look at it it's a man's name. I suppose if it bothered me I would hyphenate the two names or have him take mine. I just feel there will be a new family and they should share a name. Alot of my friends kept their maiden name and then their kids always use the father's name. It would bother me not to have the same name as my kids.