Am I the only girl that feels this way??

[gypsy]

I'm getting married in 2.5 months and I HHAAATTEEEE the fact that I have to change my name. What the hell, I pay half the bills (actually, more than half), we no longer live in a world where the man owns the woman, so why do we still change our names to his, as if he is our owner? It pisses me off so bad, enough that I would almost not want to get married because of it. You lose your whole identity! I was married once before and never changed my name at, didn't even hyphenate. This guy is much more..... macho, manly, controlling. Yeah, he's cool and all and I love him, but couldn't get away with that this time. Why do some women accept it so easily, and others don't??

 

[MissJanet79]

You're definitely not alone! I'm like you, I pay more than half of bills etc. & times have changed! My b/f really doesn't care about me changing my last name because he says my last name is a lot nicer...but you know tradition says we should change it. & I'm not crazy about hyphenations either... Ayyy! No fair!

 

[jenscats5]

You know, I never really thought about it. I never liked my maiden name, so when I got married the 1st time, I changed it. Then kept that till I got married the 2nd time & changed it again. I like this last name much better than the previous 2.....

 

[Lady Viking]

...but you know tradition says we should change it.

I won´t change my name when I´m getting married. Screw the traditions!!

 

[FigureSkater]

I don't really like my last name because it's always either pronounced or spelled wrong, so I wouldn't mind changing it, although getting married won't happen for a LONG time here...but I definately see where you're coming from.

I am, however, anti-marriage. I have what my roommates have titled "Sex and the City Syndrome." I'm 23, and a lot of my friends are starting to get married. I, on the other hand, have NO desire to do so whatsoever in the near future. (I say not until I'm 30). I'm in graduate school, not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing from here, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I want, living with two of my best friends, and spending all my money (or what little of it that I have) on myself! My friends who are married all say "I"ll come around" or "my time is coming soon" but I beg to differ. Just because I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for a few years doesn't mean I want to get married any time this decade. Frankly I HATE how my married friends act like they're some part of some special club now. Like they can't have fun with their single friends any more because "that's not their life now." One of my recently married friends and I no longer speak because she started acting like she was somehow better than all of us lowly unmarried people the minute she got engaged. Ugh. And even if/when I do decide to get married, I will probably be too darn lazy to plan a wedding. I don't see the point in all the craziness. I'd much rather elope or do something short/sweet/small, go on a nice long trip someplace warm, and put the $ that would have been spent on a reception toward a house or something more practical. But that's just me

Wow, that sounds so Carrie Bradshaw

 

[velvett]

I don't really like my last name because it's always either pronounced or spelled wrong, so I wouldn't mind changing it, although getting married won't happen for a LONG time here...but I definately see where you're coming from.

I am, however, anti-marriage. I have what my roommates have titled "Sex and the City Syndrome." I'm 23, and a lot of my friends are starting to get married. I, on the other hand, have NO desire to do so whatsoever in the near future. (I say not until I'm 30). I'm in graduate school, not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing from here, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I want, living with two of my best friends, and spending all my money (or what little of it that I have) on myself! My friends who are married all say "I"ll come around" or "my time is coming soon" but I beg to differ. Just because I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for a few years doesn't mean I want to get married any time this decade. Frankly I HATE how my married friends act like they're some part of some special club now. Like they can't have fun with their single friends any more because "that's not their life now." One of my recently married friends and I no longer speak because she started acting like she was somehow better than all of us lowly unmarried people the minute she got engaged. Ugh. And even if/when I do decide to get married, I will probably be too darn lazy to plan a wedding. I don't see the point in all the craziness. I'd much rather elope or do something short/sweet/small, go on a nice long trip someplace warm, and put the $ that would have been spent on a reception toward a house or something more practical. But that's just me

Wow, that sounds so Carrie Bradshaw

I could have wrote that.
Actually I have but well, different.




Very nice.

 

[velvett]

I have three last names (from birth all from my father) and it's heavy on the ethnic side of which is always mispronounced and spelled. Most of my life I looked forward to adopting another name or changing my own but as I've gotten older I've become a tab bit more clingly to my name. (career reasons and father reasons)

 

[jenscats5]

I don't really like my last name because it's always either pronounced or spelled wrong, so I wouldn't mind changing it, although getting married won't happen for a LONG time here...but I definately see where you're coming from.

I am, however, anti-marriage. I have what my roommates have titled "Sex and the City Syndrome." I'm 23, and a lot of my friends are starting to get married. I, on the other hand, have NO desire to do so whatsoever in the near future. (I say not until I'm 30). I'm in graduate school, not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing from here, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I want, living with two of my best friends, and spending all my money (or what little of it that I have) on myself! My friends who are married all say "I"ll come around" or "my time is coming soon" but I beg to differ. Just because I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for a few years doesn't mean I want to get married any time this decade. Frankly I HATE how my married friends act like they're some part of some special club now. Like they can't have fun with their single friends any more because "that's not their life now." One of my recently married friends and I no longer speak because she started acting like she was somehow better than all of us lowly unmarried people the minute she got engaged. Ugh. And even if/when I do decide to get married, I will probably be too darn lazy to plan a wedding. I don't see the point in all the craziness. I'd much rather elope or do something short/sweet/small, go on a nice long trip someplace warm, and put the $ that would have been spent on a reception toward a house or something more practical. But that's just me

Wow, that sounds so Carrie Bradshaw

I you retyped that whole thing, but replaced "marriage' with "kids" that would be me.....LOL....You don't know how many people love to argue with you when they find out you won't be having children.....

 

[brunette]

i must the only one here pro-marriage, kiddies, two dogs and 5 cats, including the white picket fence lol.

name change is so anachronistic, its just simply tradition. you're just too feminist gypsy

have you spoken to your SO about this? how about a double-barelled name, showing a partnership?

 

[DivaDawn]

Ive always been nervous/felt odd about this as well. I like my last name! I dont want to change it lol. Then again, I dont like when people use the double last name deal; it just irks me.

 

[Carmen]

so don't change it.
I didn't really HAVE a last name before i got married- mom changed my maiden name and then married and divorced my stepfather- the name on my birth certificate wasn't the name i grew up using and nobody had THAT last name.
my married name sounds awesome- like i made it up, so i like it.

 

[Werd]

The "Honey, could I keep my maiden name or perhaps hyphenate our last names" conversation lasted about 2 seconds w/my exhusband. One wonders why he is the EXhusband.. LOL ALL MY STUPIDITY.

I kept my married name, however, as it is the last name I share with my children. The thought to change it back after my divorce never entered my mind because even though there is no human on the face of this earth that I despise more than my ex - I wouldn't want to hurt my kids or make them feel alienated.

When I remarry I will either keep my children's names or if my beau likes, I will hyphenate (sorry if this pisses anyone off. honestly, if you don't like it, ignore it and call me silly! ). If my husband prefers I make the choice, then I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

If you REALLY feel that strongly about it and he does not recognize the importance of this to YOU (I mean, keeping your name) I may sound silly, but to me at least - THAT IS A BAD SIGN.

For the record, I am all about the white picket fence and dont begrudge any one that happiness. For me though, having been through an unbelievable divorce/custody battle wringer THE ONLY reason to legally remarry is for the happiness and security of my children. Me, I don't NEED a piece of paper to validate my union... been there/done that.

 

[FigureSkater]

I you retyped that whole thing, but replaced "marriage' with "kids" that would be me.....LOL....You don't know how many people love to argue with you when they find out you won't be having children.....

Yeah, those too...but my anti-kidness falls within my anti-marriageness since I'm so set on having to do things in the "right" order

 

[Daisy_Girl]

There is NOTHING that says you have to change your name. There is no reason to do so if you do not want to. Like Werd said, if your SO doesn't accept your decision - then that is another issue.

I thought I would change my name without a second thought, but lately I am reconsidering. Mostly because I am a teacher and the kids know me as my maiden name. My SO could care less what I do - he said it is totally my decision. He thinks I should leave it because it is too much trouble to change it, lol.

 

[the wife]

Well, you know alot of women are not changing their last names now when they marry. I think that with all of the lifestyle changes, etc. it has been become not such a big deal than, say, 10-15 years ago and longer where it way faux pa if you didn't take your husbands name. Simplify the situation...it's just name... do what's comfortable to YOU, not someone else. It's your name .....right?

 

[nvrbuffenuff_girl]

The new trend in married couples is actually combining last names to come up with a new last name. That way neither party has to take the other's last name.

That's what my ex fiance and I were going to do. His last name was Phaneuf. We combined his and mine and came up with Phancero. Which he legally changed his name to when we were still newly engaged. Although we aren't together anymore he still has that last name and actually likes it.

 

[wend]

Personally, I was happy to change my last name...it was easily confused with a slang term for a feminine protection product! (Ugh, you should have heard the lame jokes I put up with in Jr. High...no wonder I ended up so tough.) And Maj's last name is wonderful...I'm happy to share it with him.

But I agree with Werd...if it's important to you to retain it and your SO won't see eye-to-eye on it, then I think you should think twice about going through with the wedding. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was very controlling. Brunette, we don't have a pickett fence, but we've got two kids, two dogs, and two cats. I'm not really pro- or anti-marriage, though. I just sorta think people should do whatever they think is right for them.

 

[dirty~d~]

No one says you have to change it. The greatest thing about the new millenium is we can now make our own traditions. Make him take your name.

 

[Sassy69]

I'm not real excited about my last name & would gladly consider other options, assuming they are better or at least no worse than my name Both my mom & my sister-in-law actually moved up the ladder when they took our family name, my other sister-in-law, debatable. At least the family name is shorter than her maiden name.

 

[Werd]

No one says you have to change it. The greatest thing about the new millenium is we can now make our own traditions. Make him take your name.

I REALLY like this suggestion!!!

 

[gypsy]

We discussed this a very long time ago, before we lived together and it almost felt like an ultimatum - either I change it or he was gone. It goes back to his pride and being macho, I mean, you should see his dad. I've never met a man that just overall hates women as much as he does. I'm shocked that my fiancee turned out to be as cool as he is. When we discussed it, he was like, what will my family say? So that's what it comes down to I think for the most part. He still has issues with his dad, and doesn't want to look weak in front of him. This really bothers me though, and here we are 2.5 months from getting married - I hate to open this can of worms again. All points are against me just in the fact that the mass majority of women do change their name...."why do you have to be a feminist freak?" is what I'll hear. This is on my mind way to much, I can't hold it in. I'm getting ready to write him a vveerryyy long email about this - it's easier to write it, then we can't blow it up into an argument. I'll let you all know what happens. Here we go.....

 

[Werd]

We discussed this a very long time ago, before we lived together and it almost felt like an ultimatum - either I change it or he was gone. It goes back to his pride and being macho, I mean, you should see his dad. I've never met a man that just overall hates women as much as he does. I'm shocked that my fiancee turned out to be as cool as he is. When we discussed it, he was like, what will my family say? So that's what it comes down to I think for the most part. He still has issues with his dad, and doesn't want to look weak in front of him. This really bothers me though, and here we are 2.5 months from getting married - I hate to open this can of worms again. All points are against me just in the fact that the mass majority of women do change their name...."why do you have to be a feminist freak?" is what I'll hear. This is on my mind way to much, I can't hold it in. I'm getting ready to write him a vveerryyy long email about this - it's easier to write it, then we can't blow it up into an argument. I'll let you all know what happens. Here we go.....

I so dont want to "make trouble" but based on what you are telling me there are just waaaaaay too many IMPORTANT negatives.

I married a man a bit more "subtly macho" than what you describe. It was more a control issue for him. After a REALLY ugly divorce/custody battle it finally came out (after psych evaluations, etc) that my ex deep down HATES WOMEN because of his own feelings towards his mother.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but from the little bit you are posting here it seems that you are in for a bumpy ride. Please don't take offense to my last statement.

 

[gypsy]

No offense taken - I already know about his past, his father was/is a control freak and his mother is very meek and quiet. When we got together, he told me I was the first girl he's ever had any respect for. That's really bad, not respecting your mother and than any of the girlfriends after that. Yeah, it was bumpy - VERY bumpy at first, but it's really gotten so much better.

Anyway - I wrote the email. We work in the same company, and I was on his floor talking to someone and he came over. I didn't want to talk about it in person! But we did, and it went very calmly. I'm very surprised. I told him I didn't like feeling like I had an ultimatum, and he just looked at me and said "I was bluffing the whole time". So, he said if that's what I really want, then okay - keep my name. As the conversation went on, I saw him starting to think about it more and starting to get angry.... but he still didn't change his mind. I don't feel great or relieved at all just yet, because I can guarantee this will resurface into a fight at some point, so I'll just wait for that to happen then we'll move on. He's going to have to stew and think about it some more. He says that I need to remember that I "owe him one". Oh boy, I wonder what that's supposed to mean. I'm not going to be all sweet and submissive just because this is happening for me.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

Good luck sweetie.... glad you stood your ground. No matter if you are married, single, or whatever, you deserve to do what you feel is right for you.

Just a couple thoughts though..... changing your name is never REQUIRED. It doesn't show a lack of respect if you choose not to. It doesn't mean you don't love him, or don't want to blend your families. Keeping your name, as well as changing it, is a personal decision.

It is easy to pass judgement on people having never met them, but your fiance's lack of concern about YOUR feelings worries me. He seems to be more focused on how this makes HIM feel rather than listening and trying to understand where YOU are coming from. You don't owe him one, marriage isn't about keeping score.

 

[gypsy]

Your right, but men seem to always think of themselves first - they are pretty selfish creatures by nature, in my opinion. Trust me - the way he reacted so calmly to this was a HUGE step for him. He has always needed "a little work" but he's come so far, I have to give him credit. Seriously - I had really thought this through, and I felt like I was giving him a test. If he reacted terribly and really stood his ground, I was 100% prepared to call the whole thing off. I feel like he passed my test. Owing him one..... well, once we're married, what the hell will he expect from me? I won't sit there and think, "aw, I really ought to give in, since I owe him one". It's all about give and take, and I already do all the work around the house - I figure he can't ask anymore of me, I already do it all We'll see. It's terrible to say, but I've never been the kind of starry eyed girl who believes in true love and marriage being forever. If things don't work, I'd jet. That's just life's reality.

 

[jenscats5]

Good luck sweetie.... glad you stood your ground. No matter if you are married, single, or whatever, you deserve to do what you feel is right for you.

Just a couple thoughts though..... changing your name is never REQUIRED. It doesn't show a lack of respect if you choose not to. It doesn't mean you don't love him, or don't want to blend your families. Keeping your name, as well as changing it, is a personal decision.

It is easy to pass judgement on people having never met them, but your fiance's lack of concern about YOUR feelings worries me. He seems to be more focused on how this makes HIM feel rather than listening and trying to understand where YOU are coming from. You don't owe him one, marriage isn't about keeping score.

I have to agree with what DG said here.........

It looks like he is more concerned with how his family will feel about this than how he feels or how you feel...... (BTW is his family Italian? My ex hubby's family acted this way on my career choice, and it just reminds me of them)

I don't know if you guys are planning on marrying in a church or not, but I remember a little snippet from religion class about a man leaving his family behind & cleaving to his wife or something along those lines......His family won't be living with you (I hope!! ) and thus should not dictate your lives together.....

You shouldn't have to give up your individuality to marry this man & be a part of his family......

 

[mbrooke5]

I like my last name...changing it would be hard...but I think I would do it...dunno...and don't really care cause i am not at the point of getting married!!

 

[Werd]

Your right, but men seem to always think of themselves first - they are pretty selfish creatures by nature, in my opinion. Trust me - the way he reacted so calmly to this was a HUGE step for him. He has always needed "a little work" but he's come so far, I have to give him credit. Seriously - I had really thought this through, and I felt like I was giving him a test. If he reacted terribly and really stood his ground, I was 100% prepared to call the whole thing off. I feel like he passed my test. Owing him one..... well, once we're married, what the hell will he expect from me? I won't sit there and think, "aw, I really ought to give in, since I owe him one". It's all about give and take, and I already do all the work around the house - I figure he can't ask anymore of me, I already do it all We'll see. It's terrible to say, but I've never been the kind of starry eyed girl who believes in true love and marriage being forever. If things don't work, I'd jet. That's just life's reality.

Please forgive me for being so forward. I only know the words you put in these few paragraphs... I could type a very lengthy post to explain what I am going to say but it wont amount to a hill of beans as your reality wont change one iota, so I wont.

YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT BE HAPPY.

Unless, your future husband and you get some serious counseling...

The scenario you described sounds so much like someone I used to know - ME.

It has taken me losing everything and some serious therapy since Mar for me to realize that I never even knew when I was being abused. I am nearing 40 so I am no child, but dammit, I still have sooooooooo much to learn.

The scenario you are describing is very negative. Just because the guy isn't raising his fist to you that doesnt mean that he is not belittling and abusing you.

MATURE CARING SENSITIVE ADULTS DO NOT HANDLE THINGS THE WAY THIS GUY DOES.

His ethnicity has zero to do with it.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but until you figure out why you would settle for a guy who treats you the way your fiance does, you will keep attracting the same sort of guy.

Please, please, please dont take offense. I am sooooooooo not about that.

 

[Gymgurl]

I love tradition and have my husbands name. I would have felt like he wasn't good enough for me if I didn't have his name. I'm very pro-marriage. I have been married for almost 13 yrs and have 3 wonderful little girls. Marrigage is a wonderful thing with the right person

 

[gingersnap]

I'd rather have my husband's name than my father's. Either way you look at it it's a man's name. I suppose if it bothered me I would hyphenate the two names or have him take mine. I just feel there will be a new family and they should share a name. Alot of my friends kept their maiden name and then their kids always use the father's name. It would bother me not to have the same name as my kids.

 

[Werd]

Recently the topic of me marrying my man has come up. Not me telling my kids, but my kids actually asking me about it... in a good way.

Anyways, I assumed that I would hyphenate our last names (I kept my married as I did not want to have a different last name from my children). My children actually WANT ME to take my current beau's last name and DROP THE NAME OF THEIR FATHER!

I don't quite know what to make of this.... or what I will decide. But this is not that big a deal to me. My guy and I had broched the topic and he is cool with whatever I want - hyphenating, taking his name or actually even going back to my maiden name... any combination or dropping a last name altogether LOL! The only thing he cares about is my being happy and all of us being together.

 

[lucidblue]

I love tradition and have my husbands name. I would have felt like he wasn't good enough for me if I didn't have his name. I'm very pro-marriage. I have been married for almost 13 yrs and have 3 wonderful little girls. Marrigage is a wonderful thing with the right person

I totally agree! I like tradition too and when I get married I will definitely take my husband's name. I know who I am and I don't need my last name to keep my identity. I think people should do what works best and is comfortable for them.