Split up with the lady, now a hot blond wants me to spend the night.... advice?

[badazzwhitedude]

As I told you, I went through all this see-saw bullshit not too long ago. But I walked away from it, and she hasn't called back. I see it this way: For whatever reason, it's possible that it may be for the best. At least, you may find out the truth. But you know the old saying: The truth can hurt. It was a very hard thing me to do, to walk away.

 

[ceo]

Val,
You started to get onto something there, when you wrote...

"Maybe she's so tired of me vocalizing stuff, and being afraid to lose her, that she does what I did... just gets attention from someone who doesn't want anything... and is totally positivie. (even if he's just trying to get her in the sack)

But I don't know where she would have changed. I didn't start saying anything until she started to get the attention."

Women hate jealousy. Plain and simple. Now, women LOVE confident men! I know you're probably saying "Oh great!" because you haven't exhibited much confidence lately. But, don't think that way, just tell yourself you're changing that right NOW!

Your gal fell in love with that confident guy (you), however long ago it was. Now her self esteem is up (thanks in large part to you) and I'm sure that when the attention started coming she was flattered, but still madly in love with you. The problem then is that you began to notice that attention and became jealous (which is due to fear and lack of confidence). The bottom line (before I get into a novel) is...you HAVE to build your confidence. She wants that confident guy!

I HIGHLY recommend you do those affirmations. Write some down, even if you can only think of a few. As you read them every day more will come to mind. Write those down too, on the same paper. Your mind will believe what you tell it (remember it's basically a computer), you have to re-program it. Here's a few to get ya started:
"I can do anything I believe I can do! I've got God given talent, skills and ability."
"I set goals and I reach them. I know what I want out of life, I go after it and I get it."
"People like me and I feel good about myself! I have a sense of pride in who I am and I believe in myself."

You can even throw in scriptures or quotes, such as:
"I am a child of God." (John 1:12, Romans 8:16)
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
...and so on.

By the way, the Five Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Each one of us has a primary love language, and often there are two predominant ones. I bet with some thought, you can figure out what her primary love language is. When you do, "speak it" to her. If it's Acts of Service (like cooking dinner or doing laundry which I'm willing to bet is probably yours), then do some of those things for her (ie. speak her language). But, I'd also bet that's not her primary love language. Hers could be Words Of Affirmation or possibly Quality Time, and she may be getting that elsewhere (if she's not yet she soon will-unless you provide it). Read that book (buy a copy today), I've seen it online for as little as $8.57.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/shop?d=b&id=2855357&clink=&isbn=1881273156&ft=P&cf=compare&pf=21

Bro, you got some homework to do, then some work to do!

Sorry this has been so long-probably should've PM'd it. Feel free to PM or email me.
ceo

 

[Big Brother Val]

Thanks again, Radar.

Badazz... I'm trying to make up my damn mind. You did... and you took the shot... and learned to live with it. I admire that. I just have to figure out if I'm gonna take the shots, and work through it... or take the shot by leaving.

Ceo... again... thank you for taking the time to write that. I've done so much thinking lately. Trying to think of what I could do different. As far as Quality time... I give as much as I can. We go out to lunch or dinner together at least once a week... and we have some good alone time. Gifts... Spent almost $300 on new clothes, workout gear, shoes, I even got her a necklace. Words of Affirmation... well hell... they basically never stop coming. Even when I'm upset. Acts of service... I cook dinner at least 4 times a week... usually 6 or 7.... I clean the house more than she does. The only thing I don't do is her laundry, as I don't wanna ruin anything. I'm more of a housewife than she is. And physical touch is something we've always been VERY good at. It's incredible.

I've thought about what I do. And I've thought about being jealous. I haven't made my list yet... as I feel sorta stupid blowin' my own horn... but am actually curious to see if it would help.

I have two choices, really. I either buck up... and stay with her, with the possiblity of losing her. Or, I leave now so I don't have to live with the fear of losing her later. It seems she's going to be gone no matter what.

Another part of the relationship is being trusted. Everyone wants to be trusted with something. Especially something important. I want her to feel trusted... but as the saying goes, trust must be earned.

I'm confused as hell. My shit is actually packed at home after a big fight on Tuesday. I packed it all up yesterday. And was going to move out today. Last night I was so hoping she'd come up to me and start to talk. Or lay by me... SOMETHING to show me she doesn't want to go. But nothing. Not a word.

It seems to be do or die time right now. I feel like flipping a coin. We'll see what happens, I guess.

Thank you all for everything. It's good to be able to vent... and be honest about how I feel.

 

[YAKUZA]

I didn't read the post, just the title....but here's my advice anyways... I did the same thing about a month ago, and a smokin' hot blonde wanted to hook up. Being the gentleman that I am, of course I gave it to her...heh..heh..heh.. Took her on vacation and all... Now I'm getting back with the ex and I feel like shit cause of it all. Add to that the blonde won't leave me alone and I'm in a bad situation. If you think you might ever get back with your girl/wife/whatever, stay away from the blonde....

 

[badazzwhitedude]

She may have not said anything because she thinks she has got you wrapped around her finger. My girl swore up and down the same shit, how she cared so much for me, but I left her alone after a while of that stuff. She hasn't called me yet, and it has been 2 months. You never know, she could call me at any time, even months down the road. Some do that. Even though I want to be with her so bad right now, I really don't know if I would take her back now, as she has proved to be unstable, at least from the time she started taking heavy amounts of anti-depressants. And that the fact that I have decided to move to San Diego in the future.

You learn live and deal my friend. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. I say it was the right thing for me to walk away, because I wanted to be with her so bad, but not in the way she was acting, as it was driving me nuts. We all talk about wanting the truth, no matter what. Sometimes, you have to find out the truth on your own. Just my opinion.

 

[Big Brother Val]

It makes me wonder what part I want to have. Do I want to feel unimportant? Useless? Pathetic? No... of course not. Yet... I fight and fight and fight to be with a gal who makes me feel that. I feel like a woman who stays with an abusive husband, because she really loves him, and feels he'll stop if she can just do the right thing to make him stop. She puts it on herself.

That's how I feel.

I feel if I walk away... it will just be over. Even if she calls and says she wants me back... I think there would be too much doubt. That it would just go back to how it is now.

I don't know if I want her as much as I want to win her over. Let's say I do... then what? Will it be as great as it used to be? Or will I feel she's putting on a show?

I'm afraid no matter what happens, my resentment and anger will persist, and cause more and more doubt. Even if she changes. So it seems I have no chance...

Yet I refuse to give up for some unknown damn reason.

 

[badazzwhitedude]

Well, this is what COULD happen:


You see, at first when you break up (if you did such a thing), you will be depressed and very sad. But after a few weeks, maybe 3 or 4 weeks or so, and if you haven't heard from her, you will feel angry. If some time passes, and she wants you back, and you decide to take her back, you will have the upper hand big time. This is because you are angry, for the reason that she did you wrong. But you still would care for her, but you have reason to be angry. She will know this, and know that she will have to work for you extra hard at this point. You see, that anger would keep your heart closed for while, and if she really wanted you back, she would have to work extra hard to get that out of you. That anger deep down inside will just make you look more confident, like she needs you more than you need her. That anger can be a good thing, because it will make you more cautious. It will make you stay a bit more distant from her, but if she proves loyal, it will go away in time, and possibly bring the two of you closer.

Just a possibility, and something to think about, if this makes sense.

 

[Lord_Suston]

Touch her.....
Come on listen to yourself if you liked the 1st one you would never consider cheating on her..
the 2nd one appreciates you now and gives you attention, if you considering it you wouldn't have posted.

 

[Big Brother Val]

Badazz... it makes sense. That's what I was trying to do now. Show her I was upset, and if she wanted to make it work... she'd have to show me. She doesn't do a damn thing. But, with a while apart... as you said... she just may realize the attention isn't really that big of a deal... and see what I offered her. Who knows. It's a big risk.

And Suston... not quite sure what you were getting at... and if you read the whole thing, you'll see I really didn't have any intentions of sleeping with the new gal. It was an odd situation. And I wouldn't have cheated on my gal. We would be apart if that was to ever happen. I would never cheat. My x wife did that, and I know how bad it hurts. The second gal really likes how I look. We don't know eachother very well at all. I haven't even talked to her since I turned her and her friend down. Maybe she gave up. I could care less.

 

[Woody Allen]

Well, this thread started on Sept 18, when you came here asking strangers for advice. I do not have the patience or interest to read all of these responses, but.....

I do hope you have bagged the hot blonde chick by this time. I mean, you are sleeping on the couch. Dude, the old relationship is over....it might linger on life support a few months, but pull the plug -its dead.