I have made some decisions

[MissJanet79]

Stop guessing, if you don`t "trust" what she`s doing get a PI and find out NOW.

Good luck.

I would hate to give 100% of myself every day when sdomeone else gives 25%. Find out... It`s come to that point for you.

I agree...better to find out now if it's even worth the effort anymore. Just don't stoop to her level & do what she's doing...you're better than that!

 

[lucidblue]

Yeah, I know. I am going to talk to the counselor this morning and see if maybe I am making it too easy for her. She has a good job as long as she can be at the house, has total freedom to talk to whome ever now with the cell phone, etc. I don't know where her mind is at and quite frankly, I can play the game a while longer.

I am going to ask the counselor if there shouldn't be some sort of deadline for breaking it off with this guy or else she is to leave the house, no kids, clothes on back. Of course the deadline wouldn't be known to her at all, just that there is a point and if she crosses it bye, bye.

Honestly, if she is serious about giving this a chance, the other man should be gone. Period. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting your own deadline in your head. You are looking for effort on her part and quite honestly ultimatums may work in the short term, but not in the long term. You know what you are looking to see/feel from her and if by a certain time (that only you really know) you're not seeing, then you can walk away. Verbal deadlines are ultimatums or can cause a person just to act a certain way to appease you. If she honestly is making and effort and her feelings are changing you will see that with no deadline. Keep your own timeframe in your head and walk away when you are ready. There doesn't need to be a warning. She knows what she should be doing.

I've taking the verbal deadline route too many times. It doesn't pay off long term. From now on I know in my head where the line is. I shouldn't have to tell someone to make an effort. If they want to, they will and if it's not in time, it's their loss.

 

[chesty]

Yeah, I did almost hire a pi, but I am really trying to lose that snoopy, untrusting part of me. I can do it myself actually. I can borrow a friends car, I have the camera gear, etc.

I am just going to put it back on her, by going out like she does and not telling her anything about what I am doing.

 

[GoldenDelicious]

i would say all this to your counsellor and go from there. dont do anything rash, you could undo it all. you have been steadfast and decent, and i understand your feelings, but i would talk a bit before i acted

good luck as always

 

[chesty]

That is what I plan to do. When I say I will be doing what she is doing to her, I will not actually be doing that, but it will make her think while she is out possibly doing something wrong.

 

[gotmilk]

I can do it myself actually.

That's exactly opposite of what you want to do especially if this heads to divorce court. A judge will frown on you doing it.

As for kicking her out, some states actually have laws making that illegal. My parents went thru the same thing. Never wanted to the leave the house and it really became like the War of the Roses movie.

You can however suggest she move in with her friend. Let the two clowns live together if they want to play together.

And keep track of the cell phone number (records can be subpoenaed), lies, dates stuff was said. Keep a journal if you have to.

Too many people hold out for hope and forget to prepare themselves for the worst.

And biker dude can always become road kill.

I once bent over backwards for an alcoholic girlfriend only to be repeatedly stabbed in the back. I lost my shit one day, drove to her place at 5 am...and another guy opened the door. In the end, I whipped his ass, now have a criminal assault record, and foolishly wasted my time trying to save a relationship I should have run away from in the first place.

 

[chesty]

Well, she may be numb with feelings for me for now, so she says. But as each day so far has passed with this new arrangement she has been getting nicer. We were to swap vehicles today so she could use the Jeep. Originally, I was to just pull up, jump into the truck and drive off.

She told me to just park and come in. Said I didn't have to talk to her, but she wanted me to wait till she got back from the school with the kids. Very strange. We are not supposed to see or talk to each other except on two specified times until our emotions calm down and we have clear brains. She calls the few minutes we see each like that a technicality. Hmmm, she apologized today for lashing out at me and wants me to let her know when she does this.

Getting strange, yet better. She has saids she is no longer seeing dude, but still needs to actually call and break it off. Counselor is going to ride her on it like no tomorrow.

 

[biteme]

Sorry man. I only read the first part of your post. What did you do that was so bad, that this woman who has children with you, is fucking another man while still married to you? I'd let her go. You'll never get over it and I would never be married to a person like her. JMHO.

 

[chesty]

I learned from my father to be verbally abusive, controlling, overbearing, demanding, demeaning, suspicious, snoopy, uncaring, uncaring with sex (way too aggressive for her) which ended up hurting her.

She is a passive personality and holds everything in without saying a word till it is too late. So, I was able to exploit this in her and manipulate and control her.

Now, she has her own major, major faults as well that hurt me just as much with words, deeds and actions.

So together, we make a perfect couple doomed to a lifetime of repeating cycles. Her love tank finally ran dry and she had to seek it elsewhere. Unfortunately, she found the temporary filling. She has never said she was in love with said dude, but that her heart for a time belonged elsewhere. Man, that hurt.

But we both realized we have problems and we sought help to get them corrected so we can work on us and become one again.

Unfortunately, she has the hardest part. Breaking it off with dude. She has told me she has no intentions of seeing him again and hasn't so far. So, if this doesn't work out he will be there. Whatever, he will have nailed another half dozen chicks by then.

She is just keeping a safety net which just sets her up for automatic failure at achieving her goal of bettering herself, which will let her feel those emotions again for me so that we may be healed. She feels a certain amount of loyalty to the dude. All new lovers develop this. That is how I knew she was gettin boned! A few days before Easter she told me she was uncomfortable with me seeing her naked. Ouch! Then, on Easter morning, I started to initiate intimacy and she pulled away and told me that she is no longer comfortable being that way with me. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I cried like a baby for the first time in 20 years! It then went down hill from there. I called her bluff on a Vegas trip and she bought it and confessed. After a while she asked me to trust her to do what she needed me to do. I said yes, I would. She then told me she would do everything in her power to make us work.

I then got said committment two weeks later at counselors office.

 

[biteme]

Wow man! That sucks. I'm sorry that the 2 of you have had to go through all that. I hope that everything works out.