I have made some decisions

[chesty]

Yeah, I know. I am going to talk to the counselor this morning and see if maybe I am making it too easy for her. She has a good job as long as she can be at the house, has total freedom to talk to whome ever now with the cell phone, etc. I don't know where her mind is at and quite frankly, I can play the game a while longer.

I am going to ask the counselor if there shouldn't be some sort of deadline for breaking it off with this guy or else she is to leave the house, no kids, clothes on back. Of course the deadline wouldn't be known to her at all, just that there is a point and if she crosses it bye, bye.

I don't want to play hard ball cause I know she is in turmoil, but she also has her safety net to keep her all cozy and such. She gets the good house, food, neighborhood, etc and gets to go out and bone away and lie about it.

However, I must also accept the fact that she is keeping her words to me and the counselor, but just hides her inner feelings really well. I don't want to blow a real chance, but I don't want to be strung out for 6 months just so they can say see, told you it wouldn't work. Crap I am so f'd up in the head about this.

 

[Y_lifter]

Also remember that you don't have to "Live With Her" to Love her...

 

[chesty]

To love her is to hate her. I know. The idea of bootin her out is to give her a wake up call. However, she will just run to her friends house and this guy will pick up the tab for her bill and she will become a sugar daddy girl for a biker better known as a biker slut.

I know sounds bad. But I am at a loss as to how to wake her up to what she once had and can have again just by making the choice.

Interetsing side.

I had to get into her purse the other day and she is carrying one of my military pics (just taken) and she didn't ask me for it. She also is carrying around a 12 page letter I wrote her a few weeks ago apologizing and asking for her forgiveness. Don't get that one. If you hate me so much right now, why keep these things? Why agree to counseling and the requirements and act like you are doing them, but do the opposite. Especially when your main goal is to heal yourself and be a better person at the end.

Oldest boy also wrote in his journal that he is praying to God to make mom love dad again. I'll bet that chapped her hide a bit. Probably thought I put him up to it.

 

[Werd]

I am going to ask the counselor if there shouldn't be some sort of deadline for breaking it off with this guy or else she is to leave the house, no kids, clothes on back. Of course the deadline wouldn't be known to her at all, just that there is a point and if she crosses it bye, bye.

I agree with everything you say and feel.... EXCEPT THIS.

THIS IS PLAIN WRONG.

This is only about mindgames, revenge and control. If you behave this way, then all the work you have been doing to become a better person yourself will go straight out the window.

Unless she is into drugs, drinking, abusing the kids, etc THERE IS NO REASON OR CALL FOR SUCH TREATMENT.

She may be a total fuckup as a wife (I am NOT defending her.) but she is STILL THE MOTHER OF THOSE KIDS.

My ex put a camera on me, beat me to the ground, threatened to violently kill me in front of our kids, didn't pay childsupport, stalked me, harrassed me, told the kids all sorts of vicious lies about me to my kids....

I STILL never kept the kids from him.

Hindsight is 20/20. The law was there to protect me and my kids and I IGNORED IT because I was too weak to see what a monster my ex truly was - then I would have to face up to the fact that I was not "the great mom" I thought I was because I CHOSE TO MARRY AND BRING SEVERAL KIDS INTO THE WORLD WITH THIS MAN.

Now, again, the law is there to protect me and my kids - not punish us as I originally thought when I didn't understand.

This time I will NOT back down.

Chesty - you are on the opposite side of a similar situation. Please learn from the mistakes of my ex. You are a better man than he ever could hope to be for ONE REASON: You are admitted your mistakes and want to be a better man.

I know you are hurt and angry - heck I would be too!

But remember who suffers most in all of this: not you, not your wife - THE KIDS.

If she has her head too far up her ass to realize this, then you MUST realize it for the two of you. Let her fuck up. Your consciense will be clear. You will be free to become the man you want to be and when the day is done, she will pay the price when her children put her on the carpet as they grow. You won't need to remind her of her failings... her children will most certainly do it for the rest of her life.

 

[chesty]

She may be there mother but has made some poor choices as of late for them. Such as leaving them alone for 3 days with a pregnant teenage who smokes and drinks while she went to vegas. Hangs out at bars and leaves the kids alone till all hours of the night. Says she misses them, but then is in an ultra hurry to leave them to go party. It just goes on and on.

That is not the environment I want them in. Nor her. Sometimes tough love is required. Especially if everyone you know is in your church and you watch their kids and they found out you have been slutting around. God knows what goes on in that house when I am not there.

See, now I am getting angry at her and myself for not seeing this coming. Right now I have zero trust in her except for the faith that what she says is true. I can't prove any of it.

Although, if I wanted to find out I know the bar now where she goes, I know the place of business of one of the dudes she hangs out with (he isn't the one, but he knows him)

She needs to either shit or get off the pot. And if an ultimatem will put her in my camp out of guilt or whatever great. If it puts her in his camp oh well, she will find life ain't so grand over there. Just as the counselor has told her.

I won't do this for 6 months without this dude being dropped like a bad habbit. I may have been half the problem, but she is doing the dancing. So, she is the bad guy in this one.

I hate being angry and hateful. I did for so many years against my first wife and I am tired of it. But if I am not the hurt that I would feel is much worse.

 

[Lumberg]

Keep your head up and keep thinking. But also take time to sort of come back up for air and smell the roses. You don't want to be mired in the state of mind you were in when you wrote that first post. You need perspective.

Good luck, I know you will be fine.

 

[Werd]

She needs to either shit or get off the pot. And if an ultimatem will put her in my camp out of guilt or whatever great. If it puts her in his camp oh well, she will find life ain't so grand over there. Just as the counselor has told her.

This is a statement of control Chesty. I understand it wholeheartedly, but it will not help you.

She needs to get a job and pay her bills. You guys have to decide TOGETHER who will watch the children when and who will pay for what. Otherwise lawyers will get involved and I am telling you - the court will not care that you say "She is a whore." Sorry, they will not care anymore than when she says, "But he was an asswhole."

The law is blind and cold.

LAWYERS ARE NOT BLIND.... THEY ARE ONLY COLD.

 

[chesty]

Yeah I will survive, I won't enjoy it for a while though. The counselor did tell me it will be very, very difficult for a while and could even go way south before it gets better. But she told me that we would make it and work it out and get back together. And that is after a very long talk with the wife before coming that conclusion.

And she is an experience counselor with a proven 100% success rate for those couples that both aggreed to work it out.

I am just starting to feel bitternes, anger, resentment, etc now. After feeling this hurt for so long, I am now just seeing everything as suspicious, but she is of course doing suspicious things. And I told her that until I know she has broken it off, even though I trust her, I will have doubts about her when she says she is not seeing him any more or she is suffering. I believe to a great extent she is. But like I told her, if he was out of the picture completely, not just you telling us your not seeing him any more, but that you have told him this as well, I will always have doubts about where your efforts really were wether we succeed or go our own ways when we are done with the counselor.

She has said that my recent help and compliments don't seem real and I have to give her time to get used to them again.

She told me to have a good night, etc last night in a nice, sweet voice that I haven't heard in years coming from her to me. And all I thought was what is she hiding it sounds so fake. That just adds to my suspicious nature.

Man, this will be a bitch of a roller coaster ride.

 

[WODIN]

Agreed, but in your case don't you mean the bear man boobage bars?

Chesty move on and start over and get some counseling for post tramatic crotch breath stress disorder.

Nope...just me and a mirror.

Laugh fuckers.

 

[gonelifting]

Stop guessing, if you don`t "trust" what she`s doing get a PI and find out NOW.

Good luck.

I would hate to give 100% of myself every day when sdomeone else gives 25%. Find out... It`s come to that point for you.