I broke up with bf/ I'm back

[cboogsrun]

a lot of women are not intimitated or threatened to stay. Some of them stay hoping its gonna get better and all that eventually will be in the past

True. I didn't say all of woman are intimidated or threatened. read carefully before you reply. Your trying to put words in my mouth. There are an abundance of reasons why woman stay in abusive relationships. Kids, self worth, financial, convenience, ect...

 

[cboogsrun]

lol@owned

read what she wrote, sounds like she owned her self by not making any sense in her little rant.

 

[cboogsrun]

bullshit, we always have a choice to stay or leave. we're not powerless beings, we have a choice at all times. hit once, then left, so don't go on about 'how do you know and all that do you have experience bs'.

I don't believe I questioned anyone's credentials in the matter. I don't think I ever said woman are powerless beings either?

 

[cboogsrun]

I don't believe I questioned anyone's credentials in the matter. I don't think I ever said woman are powerless beings either?

http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/stats.htm

http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

http://www.aidv-usa.com/Statistics.htm

Here's the facts just so you can see for yourselves.

 

[reno240]

Well, I haven't been on here for a while, because my ex-bf always said I was on here flirting and emailing pictures. I've been called every name in the book by that guy. So, I agreed not to come on here. However, he started getting so jealous that I couldn't even leave the house to go to the gym, or anywhere else, for that matter, and last night, he did this:

Yep, that is my blood and what used to be a pretty nice dress and purse. =-(

Had to call 911, etc. He is out of the house for a few days so that I can leave.

This is probably the most embarassing, Jerry Springer type situation I have ever been in. Wow, I can't believe I let him tell me to not talk to my friends. Screw him.

Holy shit! - I hope everything is alright.

 

[Mavafanculo]

link me to some of his pics, I photochop him into a tranny

 

[Gymgurl]

Lolololol

 

[bw1]

link me to some of his pics, I photochop him into a tranny

LMFAO!

 

[healother]

link me to some of his pics, I photochop him into a tranny

 

[Bikini Mod]

The problem is about perception, and not reality. If the abused individual percieves themselves as being powerless then that is the role they take on until the abuse escalates to a point where they can ignore it no longer.

Seems that for Heatherrae this was the breaking point.

For me it was when my exhusband actually beat me to the ground but that was after 13 years of emotional and verbal abuse and totally controlling behavior. What most people dont understand is that the abuser doesnt "step up" the control as long as the controllee "listens" and "stays in line". <----This is the reason why many victims of abuse stay because the violence/controlling behavior doesnt escalate until they actually try to leave. They are afraid of being killed. The problem with that thought is that they will be killed eventually regardless.

I must ask my current husband at least 3 times a day, EVERY day, "Are you mad at me?" (Even though he shows NO SIGNS of being angry.) and am constantly apologizing for everything. My father was an extremely volitile man and so was my ex. One NEVER knew what would "set them off." So I have gone through life being terrified of making men angry. Sadly, my children exhibit the same behavior... but not forever. Just seems that way sometimes.

Heatherrae - glad you got out when you did. You didnt fuck things up darlin, you merely loved a man that is broken. NONE of us can fix a man. He didnt deserve you and I am sorry for his children but you can not help them. The best you can do is get some counseling to figure out what IN YOU attracted you to him. Deal with that and move on to have the happy, productive rich life that you deserve!!!

 

[myway]

Welcome back. I hope u are getting through this without much difficulty. I hope the Police kicked his ass for u.

 

[Frisky]

Sorry to hear, but it is as much your fault as his.

Take responsibility for your part of it and you will never experience it again.

KB, I can't believe you would condone anyone doing such a horrific thing. So what if she posted pics, did this and that... does that give him any right to hurt someone? When put in this type of situation you just walk out not hurt the other party, try to pull them thru broken glass.

Its amazing the different responses from those that have kids and those that don't. NO ONE ever should have to endure domestic violence. I don't care what the cause is.

 

[reno240]

KB, I can't believe you would condone anyone doing such a horrific thing. So what if she posted pics, did this and that... does that give him any right to hurt someone? When put in this type of situation you just walk out not hurt the other party, try to pull them thru broken glass.

Its amazing the different responses from those that have kids and those that don't. NO ONE ever should have to endure domestic violence. I don't care what the cause is.

AGREED!

 

[Bikini Mod]

AGREED!

"Unless the bitch cheated. Then he has every right to drive her skull into cement."

You all would be shocked at how many homeys share this twisted view on domestic violence.

On second thought, this is elite. None of you would be shocked as they openly post up about it.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Wow whole lot of people jumping on KB. What he said was yes some what insensitive but what he is driving at is a very good point. You allow yourself to become a victim. She even stated there were signs etc of his behavior but she allowed it to continue. I am not saying that she deserved it at all, but she did let it happen. She should have ran at the first signs of him getting more and more controlling. This could have been much worse so thankfully she is getting out now.

 

[Frisky]

Wow whole lot of people jumping on KB. What he said was yes some what insensitive but what he is driving at is a very good point. You allow yourself to become a victim. She even stated there were signs etc of his behavior but she allowed it to continue. I am not saying that she deserved it at all, but she did let it happen. She should have ran at the first signs of him getting more and more controlling. This could have been much worse so thankfully she is getting out now.

But does that make what he did right? I wouldn't care who it was if they condone such behavior I will have something to say. A person like that (her beau) looks for those that will allow this kind of controlling behavior. We are all made up different, some of us would have sparked back, some of us just allow it to happen and then blame ourselves.

I don't condone it, I don't care what the cause. The only reason anyone should ever raise their hand to anyone else is in an act of self defense.

Apparently you have never sat by the side of someone that was beaten to near death. I have... and it was not a pretty sight. Why didn't she walk away? Because he had convinced her that she deserved it. Why was she convinced? Because of a lifetime of abuse and belittlement.

So... Its ok for him to do such an act to her? NO it is not. Only a damn pussy would slash down on someone weaker both emotionaly and physically than he.

I personally would not have a damn thing to do with anyone of the sorts, but we are not all made of the same thread and some of us are just a tad bit weaker than others... does that give someone else the right to take advantage of us and beat us?

 

[reno240]

Wow whole lot of people jumping on KB. What he said was yes some what insensitive but what he is driving at is a very good point. You allow yourself to become a victim. She even stated there were signs etc of his behavior but she allowed it to continue. I am not saying that she deserved it at all, but she did let it happen. She should have ran at the first signs of him getting more and more controlling. This could have been much worse so thankfully she is getting out now.

I have to weigh on this because I was in a situation with a VERY jealous and controlling woman. Now - she didn't try to physically harm me - but the progession to crazy was slow and I didn't realize what was happening until it was really bad. There were small signs - that I notice in retrospect - but at the time I was clueless. It was weird, but one day, I turn around and realize that this chick was fucking insane. I just say this because sometimes, you don't even know what's happening until something really big happens.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I have to weigh on this because I was in a situation with a VERY jealous and controlling woman. Now - she didn't try to physically harm me - but the progession to crazy was slow and I didn't realize what was happening until it was really bad. There were small signs - that I notice in retrospect - but at the time I was clueless. It was weird, but one day, I turn around and realize that this chick was fucking insane. I just say this because sometimes, you don't even know what's happening until something really big happens.

I am SO GLAD that a man posted this.

Abusive relationships go both ways, sadly when it is female on male it goes reported even less frequently as there is a greater stigma attached to it.

The controlling sick shit starts VERY small and subtly. They dont start calling you names and punching you in the jaw on the first date.

Before I got counseling and left my 13 yr marriage of hell I hadnt clue one what was controlling/abusive behavior. Once I got my head straight I could sniff it out a mile away.

 

[foreigngirl]

True. I didn't say all of woman are intimidated or threatened. read carefully before you reply. Your trying to put words in my mouth. There are an abundance of reasons why woman stay in abusive relationships. Kids, self worth, financial, convenience, ect...

I read it just fine. Thats why I added what you missed out

IF he meant she should have left, then I'm wrong about his remarks. I just don't think thats what he meant. I could be wrong. Woman don't "allow" anything to happen, they are often intimidated or threatened to stay. So there's not much validity to that point either.

some women are also scared to leave. Thats if they have a stalking phycho that they are dealing with that is gonna follow them everywhere they go and not let them be even after everything is "officially" over. I dont know why are you getting so sensitive about the subject, when us the women are not really.

 

[billfred]

I don't condone it, I don't care what the cause. The only reason anyone should ever raise their hand to anyone else is in an act of self defense.

?[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with Frisky here - I am a bit old school and believe any man who strikes a woman is no man at all. I had a sister who lived in an abuses relationship and the only reason she is alive today is that she would hide his gun in a different place every night the time he finally went for the gun, she was half way down the street before he found it.

She should have bolted the first time he abused them!!!

 

[Bikini Mod]

I read it just fine. Thats why I added what you missed out



some women are also scared to leave. Thats if they have a stalking phycho that they are dealing with that is gonna follow them everywhere they go and not let them be even after everything is "officially" over. I dont know why are you getting so sensitive about the subject, when us the women are not really.

There is no telling how far a sickassed motherfucker will go in order to "reclaim" what is his or hers. The old "if I cant have you then no one can" bit.

Good thing we live in the good old US otherwise OJ Simpson might not have custody of his kids.

 

[foreigngirl]

There is no telling how far a sickassed motherfucker will go in order to "reclaim" what is his or hers. The old "if I cant have you then no one can" bit.
Good thing we live in the good old US otherwise OJ Simpson might not have custody of his kids.

YES!!! Thats the ones I was reffering to. It is a good thing we live here, the courts back home dont allow that kind of thing either, but it would be a bitch trying to prove it and get protection

 

[habitualhealth]

So... Its ok for him to do such an act to her? NO it is not. Only a damn pussy would slash down on someone weaker both emotionaly and physically than he.

I personally would not have a damn thing to do with anyone of the sorts, but we are not all made of the same thread and some of us are just a tad bit weaker than others... does that give someone else the right to take advantage of us and beat us?

This is so true.

An emotionally weakminded person who doesn't give a crap will suck the life right out of someone who represents strength and will. Someone with half a brain would feed off of that strength and will and try to better themself.

 

[Bikini Mod]

YES!!! Thats the ones I was reffering to. It is a good thing we live here, the courts back home dont allow that kind of thing either, but it would be a bitch trying to prove it and get protection

Sadly those laws have been abused by scum as well. It is so sad how the laws that were designed to protect the rights of decent people are commonly being abused and manipulated by the very scum that the decent people were supposed to be protected from. That is the price we pay for Justice's blindness I suppose.

There is no justice but only perception and marketing.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Where did I say it was right? I never said it was right. Go back and read what I wrote and be rational not emotional.

KB is merely making a statement all too many times people allow themself to be a victim of there life and situation. Once you have been a victim of domestic violence and or crime you need to accept the responsibility of what you could have done to prevent it from happening, in the first place and prevent it from ever happening again. I do not condone what he did at all. I am just saying that she gave him the power to do this to her. She needs to take the power back and learn from the situation so history never repeats it self if she doesn’t it surely will happen again.

 

[Frisky]

This is so true.

An emotionally weakminded person who doesn't give a crap will suck the life right out of someone who represents strength and will. Someone with half a brain would feed off of that strength and will and try to better themself.

I have witnessed this, more emotionally than physically... Not to me but someone that I care for. No one deserves to be abused, biet physical or emotional.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Apparently you have never sat by the side of someone that was beaten to near death.

Never assume shit there are things that I have seen and experienced in my lifetime that I rarely, if ever speak of.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I do not condone what he did at all. I am just saying that she gave him the power to do this to her. She needs to take the power back and learn from the situation so history never repeats it self if she doesn’t it surely will happen again.

We all read the same posts and interpret them based on our life experiences. It is VERY easy to miscommunicate in real time, on the web this is multiplied exponentially.

You are correct in your statement because if the person that was abused does not learn in themselves what went awry in order for this to happen then it will happen again, just a different man.

But we ALL need to educate ourselves about abuse. Some abusers lack the tools to behave in a way that is NOT abusive - they dont know any other way either.

Treating both sides of the phenomena with the gravity they deserve is the best option. No one should ever tolerate abuse. But we should all arm ourselves with information so that we can help ourselves as well as help each other.

Knowledge is power.

 

[Frisky]

Where did I say it was right? I never said it was right. Go back and read what I wrote and be rational not emotional.

KB is merely making a statement all too many times people allow themself to be a victim of there life and situation. Once you have been a victim of domestic violence and or crime you need to accept the responsibility of what you could have done to prevent it from happening, in the first place and prevent it from ever happening again. I do not condone what he did at all. I am just saying that she gave him the power to do this to her. She needs to take the power back and learn from the situation so history never repeats it self if she doesn’t it surely will happen again.

learn... sure... we all learn from situation to situation. But again, I repeat... some are not as strong as others. So does that ever EVER give another person the right to violate them in such a manner.

I would like to post more but I don't believe I should post it open forum. Witnessed quite a bit, and I will again say, some are just weaker beings than others... Still there is no reason for anyone to beat the hell out of someone else 'just because they want to be in control'

 

[superqt4u2nv]

We all read the same posts and interpret them based on our life experiences. It is VERY easy to miscommunicate in real time, on the web this is multiplied exponentially.

You are correct in your statement because if the person that was abused does not learn in themselves what went awry in order for this to happen then it will happen again, just a different man.

But we ALL need to educate ourselves about abuse. Some abusers lack the tools to behave in a way that is NOT abusive - they dont know any other way either.

Treating both sides of the phenomena with the gravity they deserve is the best option. No one should ever tolerate abuse. But we should all arm ourselves with information so that we can help ourselves as well as help each other.

Knowledge is power.

WERD

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

I have witnessed this, more emotionally than physically... Not to me but someone that I care for. No one deserves to be abused, biet physical or emotional.

Apparently there are some people that think a woman has a choice to stay or leave. Well she does, but, when everyday is a living hell the choice is not so clear. The last act of abuse in these situations here and in every country is the woman is dead. Abuse is never justified, raising a hand to a woman is never right, controlling another human being is not behavior of a sane individual. Abuse takes many forms and physical is easy to see, yet women still tell their friends and family that the damn door hit them again and the steps were wet so the broken arm AND the black eye were just because they are clumsy every week or so.

 

[habitualhealth]

I have witnessed this, more emotionally than physically... Not to me but someone that I care for. No one deserves to be abused, biet physical or emotional.

It's happened to me before.

It's crazy how it really just sneaks up on you one day and you realize...WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING???

Good thing I have such a big powerful brain to see what was going on before it went too far.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Still there is no reason for anyone to beat the hell out of someone else 'just because they want to be in control'

Nahhhhhhhhhhh didnt you learn anything from reading this thread?

They beat them because that party "made them mad". (Dumbasses' excuse for their inability to control their own emotions.)

Frisky, I understand what you are saying 100%. My sister often chastizes me because I am not as strong as she is but she also hasnt had her skull rattled the way that I have (THANK GOD).

What QT was trying to say is that people like me and Heatherrae and those that were close to you who got abused have to learn what it is WITHIN THEM that attracted the abusers to them in the first place and they need to learn to stay away from people like that. If a woman has a man that abuses her I am willing to go out onto a limb and say that her friends arent all that much better (this goes both way for the sexes). Once an individual learns better self-esteem and how to form HEALTHY and LOVING relationships the cycle of abuse will be broken and they wont have to worry about some crazy ass taking their life because they "made that person mad".

 

[foreigngirl]

Sadly those laws have been abused by scum as well. It is so sad how the laws that were designed to protect the rights of decent people are commonly being abused and manipulated by the very scum that the decent people were supposed to be protected from. That is the price we pay for Justice's blindness I suppose.

There is no justice but only perception and marketing.

agreed, I just didnt wanna say anything about people taking advantage of the system, cuz I didnt want anyone jumping and starting an argument when we are all STILL just duscussing the subject.

 

[Frisky]

We are all given a choice... to stay or to go. But when emotional and physical abuse affects every day of your waking life and you are convinced that the choice you may make will eventually end your life, most stay and endure it out of fear. I have never been physically abused. I was emotionally abused when really younger, and there was no way out at that time, but the day and the minute that I was free to leave I was gone. Not everyone is strong enough to walk away. Fear is our worse enemy

 

[Bikini Mod]

Apparently there are some people that think a woman has a choice to stay or leave. Well she does, but, when everyday is a living hell the choice is not so clear. The last act of abuse in these situations here and in every country is the woman is dead. Abuse is never justified, raising a hand to a woman is never right, controlling another human being is not behavior of a sane individual. Abuse takes many forms and physical is easy to see, yet women still tell their friends and family that the damn door hit them again and the steps were wet so the broken arm AND the black eye were just because they are clumsy every week or so.

Sadly this is a pattern they learn long before they become women. There is a tremendous amount of SHAME associated. Those that are abused not only feel responsible for "bringing it on themselves" but they also feel stupid for not being able to identiry it from the onset and even more powerless to "make it stop". A vicious downward spiral that doesnt seem to have an end....

Mentally beating up the victim makes it even worse. A victim of abuse doesnt need to be mentally and emotionally beaten down. They have already done it to themselves a thousand times AFTER their abuser has done it.

Too bad that many members on EF just dont get that....

If they are not part of the solution, then they are most certainly part of the problem. But WTF do I know?

 

[blueta2]

Fear does not equate to being weak.
Heather is certainly not a weak person. She met and chose a unfit human. She made a mistake based on bad judgment. Making a bad choice does not make one weak. Making bad choices over and over and never learning is weakness.
Fear is not only an enemy, it can be your best friend

 

[Sub-Zero]

KB, I can't believe you would condone anyone doing such a horrific thing. So what if she posted pics, did this and that... does that give him any right to hurt someone? When put in this type of situation you just walk out not hurt the other party, try to pull them thru broken glass.

Its amazing the different responses from those that have kids and those that don't. NO ONE ever should have to endure domestic violence. I don't care what the cause is.

what do you think hurts more, physical pain or having your heart broken(/emotional pain)?

just giving you another perspective on things

 

[Sub-Zero]

"Unless the bitch cheated. Then he has every right to drive her skull into cement."

You all would be shocked at how many homeys share this twisted view on domestic violence.

On second thought, this is elite. None of you would be shocked as they openly post up about it.

sex is a weapon now. with all the stds being with a dishonest partner who sleeps around and isnt honest about it not only destroys a person emotionally, and makes them feel like "being dragged through a broken window", but it also puts them at risk for potentially life ruining/altering, and even life ending diseases.

IMO cheaters, and emotional abusers are JUST as pathetic as physical abusers

im not saying that one warrants the other, though

 

[mkazzbmf]

Im sorry to hear about your run in with the crazy old man. He will come back on his knees....Dont fall for it if or should I say when he does. I hope it all works out for ya kid.

Kaz

 

[Nathan]

What the shit dude? Glad you are okay. I will never understand people I don't think.

From reading your posts, you seriously struck me as smart and together and like the type of person who really knew waht was up. I respected that. If you are sticking to your guns and you meant what you said in your original post to this, I'm afraid i will have to keep on respecting you. Good for you for knowing you're better than having to ever put up with being unhappy and/or treated badly.

Right on.

 

[Grumpy Old Man]

sex is a weapon now. with all the stds being with a dishonest partner who sleeps around and isnt honest about it not only destroys a person emotionally, and makes them feel like "being dragged through a broken window", but it also puts them at risk for potentially life ruining/altering, and even life ending diseases.

IMO cheaters, and emotional abusers are JUST as pathetic as physical abusers

im not saying that one warrants the other, though

Do you know how Al Capone died? Abuse can be either physical or emotional. Both are bad. STD's have been around forever. Cheating is a character flaw.
Youngster, how can you even post? Pain is pain, physical actually is easier than emotional. Now suffer physical pain by the hands of someone that is supposed to "love" you. Can you understand?

 

[Lao Tzu]

I am SO GLAD that a man posted this.

Abusive relationships go both ways, sadly when it is female on male it goes reported even less frequently as there is a greater stigma attached to it.

The controlling sick shit starts VERY small and subtly. They dont start calling you names and punching you in the jaw on the first date.

Before I got counseling and left my 13 yr marriage of hell I hadnt clue one what was controlling/abusive behavior. Once I got my head straight I could sniff it out a mile away.

True. Gay relationships also have alot of abuse (mental & physical), and you never hear about it. Even AAP was in an emotionally abusive relationship once, and he is pretty on top of things and together.

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1799528

In a recent issue of Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, it was estimated that 22.1% of women and 7.4% of men experience some sort of domestic violence during their lifetime, while the factsheet on domestic violence from the Center for Disease Control placed the numbers higher at 29% and 22%, respectively (Domestic, 2005; Intimate, 2006). While these numbers are representative of both homosexual and heterosexual people, a study by Stephen S. Owen and Tod W. Burke specifically focusing on self-identified homosexuals revealed that 56.1% of the respondents had been the victims in some sort of domestic violence. When they compared these findings to a representative group of heterosexuals, they found that "intimate partner assault may be more prevalent against gay men than against heterosexual men, but there was no significant difference between lesbians and heterosexual females" (129). Due to the highly controlling nature of the abuser in domestic violence situations, however, it tends to be a crime that is grossly underreported, and in cases of non-physical abuse, can be difficult to prove. Also, reporting domestic violence does not necessarily stop an abuser's ability to "out" his/her partner, or an abuser's final and possibly lethal session of battering.

 

[Frisky]

what do you think hurts more, physical pain or having your heart broken(/emotional pain)?

just giving you another perspective on things

actually, I would put emotional abuse far worse than physical abuse. But that is just my take on things.

but I've never really had my heart broken besides by my own family. And that was far worse than any beating i have ever had. I can't recall some of the beatings I got thru out my life, but I can however recall every single time I was emotionally shot down and abused by everyone that has ever done such to me.

 

[reno240]

actually, I would put emotional abuse far worse than physical abuse. But that is just my take on things.

I don't think you can make that distinction because physical abuse causes a great deal of emotional issues.

 

[cboogsrun]

I read it just fine. Thats why I added what you missed out



some women are also scared to leave. Thats if they have a stalking phycho that they are dealing with that is gonna follow them everywhere they go and not let them be even after everything is "officially" over. I dont know why are you getting so sensitive about the subject, when us the women are not really.

I'm not getting sensitive about the subject, I just feel it is something that is severly overlooked. Read some of the statistics from the sites I posted. There are some astonishing numbers and statistics that really show how improtant it is to educate people on the subject. 3 woman a day are killed in this country from someone they have or have had a relationship with. Chances are that is 3 mothers, as most severe cases are with couples who have children. From my personal experience with domestic abuse, I've seen it tear my little (half)sister apart. She lost both her parents in one day and she was only 12 years old. Since then she has been on a destructive path with sex, drugs, alcohol, she cuts herself, and probably a whole boat load of shit she doesn't tell me. I think its worth my time to clarify misconceptions about the subject. Hopefully I helped someone understand a little bit more than they previously knew.

 

[foreigngirl]

I'm not getting sensitive about the subject, I just feel it is something that is severly overlooked. Read some of the statistics from the sites I posted. There are some astonishing numbers and statistics that really show how improtant it is to educate people on the subject. 3 woman a day are killed in this country from someone they have or have had a relationship with. Chances are that is 3 mothers, as most severe cases are with couples who have children. From my personal experience with domestic abuse, I've seen it tear my little (half)sister apart. She lost both her parents in one day and she was only 12 years old. Since then she has been on a destructive path with sex, drugs, alcohol, she cuts herself, and probably a whole boat load of shit she doesn't tell me. I think its worth my time to clarify misconceptions about the subject. Hopefully I helped someone understand a little bit more than they previously knew.

ooooohhhhh, I am so so sorry to hear that I understand that there is cases where the women dont even trigger arguments or fights. Its just the character of the person to be abusive and violent.

 

[wootoom]

what a stupid fuckin thread seriously, there should be a rule on EF LEAVE THE PERSONAL SHIT AT HOME

 

[jnevin]

what a stupid fuckin thread seriously, there should be a rule on EF LEAVE THE PERSONAL SHIT AT HOME

How are you feeling after your accident? How's Daisy?

 

[wootoom]

How are you feeling after your accident? How's Daisy?

lol, i mean getting beat by ur boyfriend and shit, u know what i mean

 

[Bikini Mod]

what a stupid fuckin thread seriously, there should be a rule on EF LEAVE THE PERSONAL SHIT AT HOME

I humbly disagree...

Posts like the one below are VERY helpfull to us all. Sweeping this stuff under the rug and pretending it doesnt exist is how women end up dead and children end up motherless.

I'm not getting sensitive about the subject, I just feel it is something that is severly overlooked. Read some of the statistics from the sites I posted. There are some astonishing numbers and statistics that really show how improtant it is to educate people on the subject. 3 woman a day are killed in this country from someone they have or have had a relationship with. Chances are that is 3 mothers, as most severe cases are with couples who have children. From my personal experience with domestic abuse, I've seen it tear my little (half)sister apart. She lost both her parents in one day and she was only 12 years old. Since then she has been on a destructive path with sex, drugs, alcohol, she cuts herself, and probably a whole boat load of shit she doesn't tell me. I think its worth my time to clarify misconceptions about the subject. Hopefully I helped someone understand a little bit more than they previously knew.

 

[wootoom]

I humbly disagree...

Posts like the one below are VERY helpfull to us all. Sweeping this stuff under the rug and pretending it doesnt exist is how women end up dead and children end up motherless.

women??? what about men

 

[Bikini Mod]

women??? what about men

As a few previous posts stated, DV goes both ways. However, is far more prevalent as men abusing women.

Men are generally stronger and more prone to becoming violent but it is no less detrimental to a child to have his father blown away by his psychotic mother than to have his mother choked to death by his psychotic father.

It is wrong regardless of who the perpetrator is.

And for the record - I always judge women far more harshly than I do men because I happen to be female.

 

[imystify]

how many kids do you have with the batterer? A lot of woman stay because they have children with the abuser. Not all abuse is physical. So just because you left after you were hit doesn't mean you werent abused for a prolonged period of time. There are way worse types of abuse than physical. You were probably abused way before being hit, it just took physical abuse before you realized it was time to dip. Do a search and look at the statistics. Your upbringing might also have helped you. Most girls are attracted to men who have simular personalities of their fathers. If daddy is an abuser, sometimes the daughters boyfriend is also an abuser. Obviously their are exceptions to the rule. You had the strength that a lot of woman don't have.

1 child, my only child. And the emotoinal abuse started about a month prior, while we were living abroad. My daddy was not abusive, in fact I'm the shnizzlezap there. Maybe I have strenght others don't have, or maybe I've simply not bought into a line of thinking that they have, whatever, as an adult (male or female) we teach others how to treat us.

 

[Sub-Zero]

As a few previous posts stated, DV goes both ways. However, is far more prevalent as men abusing women.

Men are generally stronger and more prone to becoming violent but it is no less detrimental to a child to have his father blown away by his psychotic mother than to have his mother choked to death by his psychotic father.

It is wrong regardless of who the perpetrator is.

And for the record - I always judge women far more harshly than I do men because I happen to be female.

so if men are stronger and more prone to violence shouldnt women take thati nto acount and not provoke them?

 

[caligirl]

so if men are stronger and more prone to violence shouldnt women take thati nto acount and not provoke them?

um yeah, they should. Just by virtue they are bigger and stronger, hell yeah. Don't assume just because you are a woman they wont hurt you. I was married to a world champion kickboxer... when he got mad, I went away... just in case, because he would SNAP. No matter what the reason was, if I had been the catalyst or if it was something else. I took no chances.

 

[Wulfgar]

um yeah, they should. Just by virtue they are bigger and stronger, hell yeah. Don't assume just because you are a woman they wont hurt you. I was married to a world champion kickboxer... when he got mad, I went away... just in case, because he would SNAP. No matter what the reason was, if I had been the catalyst or if it was something else. I took no chances.

thats a healthy relationship. might as well be married to Ike Turner

 

[caligirl]

thats a healthy relationship. might as well be married to Ike Turner

keyword in that paragraph... WAS... !

 

[Wulfgar]

keyword in that paragraph... WAS... !

lol, well my aunt just tried to hook me up with some huge amazon 6'2 UFC fighter chick
Id probably do the same thing...

 

[a creed]

Heather - I am REALLY glad you are OK.

Whether you saw the signs and unconciously ignored them doesn't matter now - your "safety" does.

Don't EVER agree to meet him anywhere, and ALWAYS have LE with you if you have to be anywhere near him.

Also - if this case will go to trial, then I would cease all posts pertaining to the incident.

It would be "extremely" damaging and embarassing to have ALL of your current and/or past posts read out loud while you sat there helpless.

Unless you don't think this is going to court...............

 

[HiDnGoD]

so if men are stronger and more prone to violence shouldnt women take thati nto acount and not provoke them?

I think the fact that this type of behaviour is not rational factors into it. Also, some women know that men in general are reluctant to hit women, and most men would be reluctant to go to Police saying their wife is beating them.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I think the fact that this type of behaviour is not rational factors into it. Also, some women know that men in general are reluctant to hit women, and most men would be reluctant to go to Police saying their wife is beating them.

We used to have a worker, hyuge guy well over 6'3", sorta sloppy fat but young and could have put most women through a wall if he wanted to. The guy was married to a thick woman who had to be about 5' 8" or so, no small drink herself. The guy tried to leave her because she was physically abusive to him (he never fought back) but he was "in love" they got back together and she became pregnant again (See folks, it goes both ways). Shortly after their second child was born she beat the piss out of him. She as spanking their oldest daughter (which he took exception to and stepped in to try and stop it) and she turned on him. She took a metal teakettle and hit him in the crotch so badly that he passed blood for a few days then hit him in the eye with it. His eye was swollen shut for quite sometime. He left her but didnt press charges, then the custody/divorce nightmare began. He was kept from his children and had nearly all of his wages garnished. Why? Because he dared to leave her.

It goes BOTH ways and the victim isn't always the one that is protected by the law.

I dont know if he ever went back or what became of him but I just could not understand how this man stood for such terrible physical abuse from his wife. He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he seemed like a nice guy, and he only wanted to see his kids when it was "his time". There were never marks on the wife but the husband, OMG - it was unbelievable how badly he was fucked up. But the kids were given to her!!!

The system is totally fucked. He who lies first is right and everyone is guilty until proven innocent.

You should NEVER fear your partner - ever. My husband, even though he is advanced in age could do me SERIOUS physical harm if he wanted. Funny thing - our lives are far more stressfull than my first marriage was and he has never "felt provoked" by me. Yet my first husband constantly berated and humiliated me, finally beating me. Have I changed?!?!... or is it the company that I have chosen to keep.

Just some food for thought.

 

[manny78]

Well, I haven't been on here for a while, because my ex-bf always said I was on here flirting and emailing pictures. I've been called every name in the book by that guy. So, I agreed not to come on here. However, he started getting so jealous that I couldn't even leave the house to go to the gym, or anywhere else, for that matter, and last night, he did this:

Yep, that is my blood and what used to be a pretty nice dress and purse. =-(

Had to call 911, etc. He is out of the house for a few days so that I can leave.

This is probably the most embarassing, Jerry Springer type situation I have ever been in. Wow, I can't believe I let him tell me to not talk to my friends. Screw him.

So you got rid of that old fart ? That should be a blessing for you

 

[solidspine]

Good Luck with him

 

[-666-]

ur a fuking joke..seriously, do you have a life outside this board

Well, I haven't been on here for a while, because my ex-bf always said I was on here flirting and emailing pictures. I've been called every name in the book by that guy. So, I agreed not to come on here. However, he started getting so jealous that I couldn't even leave the house to go to the gym, or anywhere else, for that matter, and last night, he did this:

Yep, that is my blood and what used to be a pretty nice dress and purse. =-(

Had to call 911, etc. He is out of the house for a few days so that I can leave.

This is probably the most embarassing, Jerry Springer type situation I have ever been in. Wow, I can't believe I let him tell me to not talk to my friends. Screw him.

 

[Frisky]

ur a fuking joke..seriously, do you have a life outside this board

I can't believe you said such... you know some peeps don't have another outlet besides a random place to vent and release stress.

 

[gotmilk]

ur a fuking joke..seriously, do you have a life outside this board

No, she hangs around to open alters.

 

[Sub-Zero]

I think the fact that this type of behaviour is not rational factors into it. Also, some women know that men in general are reluctant to hit women, and most men would be reluctant to go to Police saying their wife is beating them.

i just think it is messed up when women emotionally abuse men and act surprised when they reach a point where they lose control and shit hits the fan

 

[Lestat]

welcome back sexy!

 

[Turd Ferguson]

Thanks guys. (sniffle). I really missed you guys. He kept the phones pulled out of the walls 90% of the time, broke computers, doors, walls. He didn't let me have any friends or people around. He's totally crazy and blaming me for bringing a beating on myself and that he is now in trouble with child protective services, as a result.

not your fault. you deserve better.

 

[Frisky]

i just think it is messed up when women emotionally abuse men and act surprised when they reach a point where they lose control and shit hits the fan

I personally wont and will never condone any kind of abuse... beit women or man. If and when a relationship gets to that point and neither can control their behavior its a tell tell sign to walk the hell away. There I NO excuse for abuse, by woman or man, none at all.

I've expressed time and time again that If ever I raise my hand to a male, I expect to be hit back. I've been there done that and did have to fight a male once.

I don't and will never condone domestic violence, and the only reason I hit was because I was hit.

 

[HiDnGoD]

i just think it is messed up when women emotionally abuse men and act surprised when they reach a point where they lose control and shit hits the fan

If a man really loves a woman, she can do all kinds of shit before he reaches his breaking point. Most women don't push that far, and most men, when the reach that point either have an affair, or leave.
Physical violence from a stranger doesn't hurt nearly as bad as a beating or an assault from the love of your life.

 

[musclemom]

where's MuscleMom? and good timing with the drama thread. kudos to the EF braintrust....

I've had Heather on ignore since the last time I interacted with her and I realized our interactions are personally upsetting (this was around the time BikiniMom was asking about wedding suggestions). Also, the coven I'm studying with had their private Yule celebration this past weekend (the mother house is having a bigger celebration later this month).

My father abused my mother mentally and physically (nothing like those pleasant childhood memories of seeing daddy stand on mommy's back and try to stomp her head into a concrete floor). I swore I would never take that shit myself and then went and married myself a pathological liar/emotional manipulator and it took a decade before I would acknowlege the situation, could accept that he would never change and things would never get better. The biggest problem in being in an abusive relationship is admitting that it's hopeless, that you can't help this person, and you care enough for yourself to get away from this damaged individual.

As far as I can tell, the only value in experiencing an abusive relationship is that you have the chance to learn the warning signs and get away from these people in the future before you become enmeshed with them. Personally, I think part of the reason we become involved with them in the first place is that we think somehow we can help/fix them, the other part is denying the reality of what the situation is. Abusive relationships can teach you a lot about reality, in particular, they can teach you that you aren't responsible for the actions of another person. Part of the reason the abuse persists is that the person being abused doesn't open their mouth to their friends or family (usually out of pride, because they see the abuse somehow as being their fault) essentially becoming accomplices in their own pain.

You shouldn't be ashamed of telling your family what happened, Heather. Making a bad love choice is no reflection on you. But blaming yourself for what happened only compounds the pain and guilt and places you even deeper in the position that you think you deserved what happened, setting you up to fall right back into the same mess, either with this man or another like him.

And BTW, people almost never change. Most men who belt women will always do so.

 

[PsychoTramp]

True. Gay relationships also have alot of abuse (mental & physical), and you never hear about it. Even AAP was in an emotionally abusive relationship once, and he is pretty on top of things and together.

AAP's not gay.

-

 

[Bikini Mod]

i just think it is messed up when women emotionally abuse men and act surprised when they reach a point where they lose control and shit hits the fan

When either a man "pushes" a woman or woman "pushes" the man that they become so enraged as to feel the need to strike the other it is NOT the time for "the shit to hit the fan" - BUT MERELY THE TIME TO WALK AWAY - PERIOD. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts".

There is a saying in my language. If another human being has done something so horrible that they have been demoted to the status of shit, then THE LAST thing I should want to do is to touch them with my hands - in other words: My hands are too good for that and should remain clean.

Self-control is the ultimate show of manhood and NOT a display of strength through violence.

MM - EXCELLENT POST!!! Very insightfull and so "on" in all regards, eloquent and very appreciated!!

 

[blueta2]

I've had Heather on ignore since the last time I interacted with her and I realized our interactions are personally upsetting (this was around the time BikiniMom was asking about wedding suggestions). Also, the coven I'm studying with had their private Yule celebration this past weekend (the mother house is having a bigger celebration later this month).

My father abused my mother mentally and physically (nothing like those pleasant childhood memories of seeing daddy stand on mommy's back and try to stomp her head into a concrete floor). I swore I would never take that shit myself and then went and married myself a pathological liar/emotional manipulator and it took a decade before I would acknowlege the situation, could accept that he would never change and things would never get better. The biggest problem in being in an abusive relationship is admitting that it's hopeless, that you can't help this person, and you care enough for yourself to get away from this damaged individual.

As far as I can tell, the only value in experiencing an abusive relationship is that you have the chance to learn the warning signs and get away from these people in the future before you become enmeshed with them. Personally, I think part of the reason we become involved with them in the first place is that we think somehow we can help/fix them, the other part is denying the reality of what the situation is. Abusive relationships can teach you a lot about reality, in particular, they can teach you that you aren't responsible for the actions of another person. Part of the reason the abuse persists is that the person being abused doesn't open their mouth to their friends or family (usually out of pride, because they see the abuse somehow as being their fault) essentially becoming accomplices in their own pain.

You shouldn't be ashamed of telling your family what happened, Heather. Making a bad love choice is no reflection on you. But blaming yourself for what happened only compounds the pain and guilt and places you even deeper in the position that you think you deserved what happened, setting you up to fall right back into the same mess, either with this man or another like him.

And BTW, people almost never change. Most men who belt women will always do so.

It's called codependency.
By the way MM, very classy of you to reply to Heather with compassion.

 

[Sub-Zero]

If a man really loves a woman, she can do all kinds of shit before he reaches his breaking point. Most women don't push that far, and most men, when the reach that point either have an affair, or leave.
Physical violence from a stranger doesn't hurt nearly as bad as a beating or an assault from the love of your life.

like you saide abuse from a stranger isnt nearly as bad as form a loved one,

same goes with emotional abuse. alot of times guys will hit for attention or to get their point across.

i think in this specific case heatheraes hubbo beat her down because he was hurting so bad (whetther his hurt was justified or not) and wanted her to feel some of what she was doing to him

 

[blueta2]

like you saide abuse from a stranger isnt nearly as bad as form a loved one,

same goes with emotional abuse. alot of times guys will hit for attention or to get their point across.

i think in this specific case heatheraes hubbo beat her down because he was hurting so bad (whetther his hurt was justified or not) and wanted her to feel some of what she was doing to him

Good point.....people who hurt others are hurting themselves inside.

 

[Sub-Zero]

When either a man "pushes" a woman or woman "pushes" the man that they become so enraged as to feel the need to strike the other it is NOT the time for "the shit to hit the fan" - BUT MERELY THE TIME TO WALK AWAY - PERIOD. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts".

There is a saying in my language. If another human being has done something so horrible that they have been demoted to the status of shit, then THE LAST thing I should want to do is to touch them with my hands - in other words: My hands are too good for that and should remain clean.

Self-control is the ultimate show of manhood and NOT a display of strength through violence.

MM - EXCELLENT POST!!! Very insightfull and so "on" in all regards, eloquent and very appreciated!!

love for a woman can make a man weak to a point where he loses his control to "show manhood", and will break down and lash out.

in a case like this hes not gunna walk away, because he wants her so bad. he wanted her all to himself and didnt feel she was giving him that, so he was hurting and got violent. was it right of him?" fuck no, but i can see where something like that could possibly drive me to do the same. - im pretty confident id be able to walk away though

 

[jnevin]

Good point.....people who hurt are always hurting themselves.

Her first clue could have been his daily drinking. I'm not saying she could have known this would happen because he drinks, but she's mentioned that he drinks liquor every day. That's very self destructive.

 

[HiDnGoD]

like you saide abuse from a stranger isnt nearly as bad as form a loved one,

same goes with emotional abuse. alot of times guys will hit for attention or to get their point across.

i think in this specific case heatheraes hubbo beat her down because he was hurting so bad (whetther his hurt was justified or not) and wanted her to feel some of what she was doing to him

There are several times a day where I'd like to hit someone, just to get my point across, or get them to smarten up. A mark of manhood is being able to squelch those feelings.
That could be true, but it's faulty thinking on his part. If someone is hurting you that much, you need to communicate to see if it's intentional, Or, like you said, walk away.

 

[blueta2]

There are several times a day where I'd like to hit someone, just to get my point across, or get them to smarten up. A mark of manhood is being able to squelch those feelings

I think that's a mark of Mature Hood for men and women.
Lots of angry bitter souls who walk this planet. The trick is to learn to ignore them and not react.

 

[musclemom]

Good point.....people who hurt others are hurting themselves inside.

I am going to slightly disagree with you on this point, but only slightly and only with the word you use. My perspective is that people who hurt others are damaged inside. There comes a point in time when pain becomes permanent. In my mind, hurt can be healed; there are some people who will not/cannot be cured of their pain.

 

[Sub-Zero]

There are several times a day where I'd like to hit someone, just to get my point across, or get them to smarten up. A mark of manhood is being able to squelch those feelings.
That could be true, but it's faulty thinking on his part. If someone is hurting you that much, you need to communicate to see if it's intentional, Or, like you said, walk away.

thats a given, which is why im not saying what he did was justified...

im just saying heather isnt completely innocent in this, and he isnt completely evil willed or a terrible human being

 

[velvett]

I don't want to sound uncompassionate but I would suggest to you to remove this thread or request that it be done. While it's a good this to find the support you need putting this up on the web may prove to more damaging than you can imagine.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I don't want to sound uncompassionate but I would suggest to you to remove this thread or request that it be done. While it's a good this to find the support you need putting this up on the web may prove to more damaging than you can imagine.

Nobody knows this better than me.

Listen to Velvett. Her advice is very sound.

This thread has been very usefull to educate people about domestic violence and I am sure comforted Heatherrae. But time to make the thread disappear. Hopefully the wisdom that was imparted wont be forgotten.

Remember peeps - the pen is mightier than the sword.

 

[youngguns]

Nobody knows this better than me.

Listen to Velvett. Her advice is very sound.

This thread has been very usefull to educate people about domestic violence and I am sure comforted Heatherrae. But time to make the thread disappear. Hopefully the wisdom that was imparted wont be forgotten.

Remember peeps - the pen is mightier than the sword.

so is the gun.

 

[blueta2]

My perspective is that people who hurt others are damaged inside.

That is what I meant, I just worded it wrong. When I was hurt by people, it took me a long time and much therapy to realize the reasons they hurt me was because they themsleves were hurting inside. Took me years to not take what others did to me personally.
No one really wakes up daily wondering how they are going to hurt others. They wake up daily just trying to figure out how they are going to survive another day
And I agree, some just never get over their pain.

 

[heatherrae]

did u cheat on him?

he is a weak man for acting in such a way in response to it, but if it makes u feel slightly empowered, like KB said, you "drove him to it"

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

 

[bw1]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

Dude needs help

 

[reno240]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

I had a g/f like that. Just nuts. Look at the waitress to order my food - and here comes the accusations of what I was looking at! Crazy beotch. The dumbest thing I did - was I kept saying to myself - ok, stop doing this one thing and she'll calm down - then - ok, stop doing this other thing and she'll calm down. Guess what? She never calmed down.

 

[healother]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

how are you doing? what is the update on your situation? (i havent heard much since the 1st page of the thread! maybe i overlooked something)

 

[Bikini Mod]

No, I have never, ever cheated on him. I haven't so much as held hands with another man. Heck, I even used to get scared if a man even said "hi" to me if he was going to see it. I had to avoid eye contact with waiters and valets. He was just disturbingly jealous, to the point of delusions. Seriously, I swear on my mother's ashes.

And, no it didn't make me feel empowered -- just the opposite.

Sounds just like my ex. Funny how they always turn it around on you. If I told him who was talking to me and what the conversation was about then he would get pissed at me for "telling him too much" ie you are TRYING to make me jealous. Then if he found out later that I left one word of the conversation then it was, "YOU LYING CUNT - WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING TO ME ABOUT?!"

I was raised with the twisted notion that jealousy was part of love. After 9 years of marriage and four children though it wore thin. I stuck it out for another 2 1/2 years or so before I kicked my ex out for finally beating me up.

I have since adopted a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for jealousy.

 

[heatherrae]

YOu are really knowledgable on the subject. I have really appreciated your insight. I think that my personality lends me to forgive and forget when I shouldn't. He started with insults and being demeaning, then he would apologize and act like a saint, and I would just try let it roll off my back and want to just have a calm, quiet evening at home or out at dinner. I just tend to forgive any damn thing.

It is a weird situation, for sure. I have plenty of mixed emotions about the situation. I really pray he does get help or he is going to drink and smoke himself to death. I don't expect his kids to come around him when they grow up, so he will have a miserable old age, if he doesn't change his ways. I dont wish that on anyone. I must be mental for still feeling sorry for him.

They took him off to jail yesterday. I actually cried a little for him after they took him away, because the expression on his face was one I have never seen from him -- fear and vulnerability.

On the other hand, when I cried to him the next day that he hurt my arm, he said, "are you done slobbering, yet?" So, part of me says, "screw him." lol.

how many kids do you have with the batterer? A lot of woman stay because they have children with the abuser. Not all abuse is physical. So just because you left after you were hit doesn't mean you werent abused for a prolonged period of time. There are way worse types of abuse than physical. You were probably abused way before being hit, it just took physical abuse before you realized it was time to dip. Do a search and look at the statistics. Your upbringing might also have helped you. Most girls are attracted to men who have simular personalities of their fathers. If daddy is an abuser, sometimes the daughters boyfriend is also an abuser. Obviously their are exceptions to the rule. You had the strength that a lot of woman don't have.

 

[blueta2]

I must be mental for still feeling sorry for him.

Nope not mental, the word is compassionate.
After all the heartache my ex put me through, when I went to therapy, I would sit in there and cry worrying about him.
When you get strong, the compassion you have for him, will be directed at yourself

 

[heatherrae]

Yeah, he blames 100% of this on me. He said that I am a cancer in the family that he was going to remove. Nevermind the fact that I found out that he has a history of domestic battery and abusing his kids! I guess they were all asking for it too. He even played the martyr the other day, and moaned about how the cops and CPS were ruining his life for years to come,now.

I've told you before how happy I am for you that things have turned around for you. You deserve the world. =-)

Sounds just like my ex. Funny how they always turn it around on you. If I told him who was talking to me and what the conversation was about then he would get pissed at me for "telling him too much" ie you are TRYING to make me jealous. Then if he found out later that I left one word of the conversation then it was, "YOU LYING CUNT - WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING TO ME ABOUT?!"

I was raised with the twisted notion that jealousy was part of love. After 9 years of marriage and four children though it wore thin. I stuck it out for another 2 1/2 years or so before I kicked my ex out for finally beating me up.

I have since adopted a ZERO TOLERANCE policy for jealousy.

 

[heatherrae]

Nope not mental, the word is compassionate.
After all the heartache my ex put me through, when I went to therapy, I would sit in there and cry worrying about him.
When you get strong, the compassion you have for him, will be directed at yourself

Wow, that really helped. Thank you!

 

[heatherrae]

I've had Heather on ignore since the last time I interacted with her and I realized our interactions are personally upsetting (this was around the time BikiniMom was asking about wedding suggestions). Also, the coven I'm studying with had their private Yule celebration this past weekend (the mother house is having a bigger celebration later this month).

My father abused my mother mentally and physically (nothing like those pleasant childhood memories of seeing daddy stand on mommy's back and try to stomp her head into a concrete floor). I swore I would never take that shit myself and then went and married myself a pathological liar/emotional manipulator and it took a decade before I would acknowlege the situation, could accept that he would never change and things would never get better. The biggest problem in being in an abusive relationship is admitting that it's hopeless, that you can't help this person, and you care enough for yourself to get away from this damaged individual.

As far as I can tell, the only value in experiencing an abusive relationship is that you have the chance to learn the warning signs and get away from these people in the future before you become enmeshed with them. Personally, I think part of the reason we become involved with them in the first place is that we think somehow we can help/fix them, the other part is denying the reality of what the situation is. Abusive relationships can teach you a lot about reality, in particular, they can teach you that you aren't responsible for the actions of another person. Part of the reason the abuse persists is that the person being abused doesn't open their mouth to their friends or family (usually out of pride, because they see the abuse somehow as being their fault) essentially becoming accomplices in their own pain.

You shouldn't be ashamed of telling your family what happened, Heather. Making a bad love choice is no reflection on you. But blaming yourself for what happened only compounds the pain and guilt and places you even deeper in the position that you think you deserved what happened, setting you up to fall right back into the same mess, either with this man or another like him.

And BTW, people almost never change. Most men who belt women will always do so.

Thank you, MM. =-)

 

[gotmilk]

He said that I am a cancer in the family that he was going to remove.

He could have given you chemotherapy instead of an ass kicking.

 

[heatherrae]

I don't want to sound uncompassionate but I would suggest to you to remove this thread or request that it be done. While it's a good this to find the support you need putting this up on the web may prove to more damaging than you can imagine.

I realize that the thread could be used in evidence. However, I don't think I've said anything that is damaging to me. ???