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Homer Speaks

Hannibal

Hannibal

Elite Mentor
Platinum
"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close."

homer_cool.gif
 
"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."
 
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
 
"ooohhh are you gonna get the dogs, or the bee's, or the dogs with bee's in their mouth and when they bark they sting you"
 
"Lisa if the Bible has taught us anything else, which it hasn't,
it's that girls should stick to girls sports like hot oil wrestling, and foxy boxing and such and such. "
 
kunta said:
"ooohhh are you gonna get the dogs, or the bee's, or the dogs with bee's in their mouth and when they bark they sting you"
Click to expand...

Oh yeah that should say ". . . and when they bark they SHOOT BEES AT you"

s'all good. . .
 
"Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."

:p
 
THE BEST THREAD EVER!!

"Nooo, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!"
 
Homer: "Bring me a beer, Bart."

Marge: "Just a minute, Homer. Lisa has some good news."

Lisa: "Forget it, Mom. He doesn't care."

Homer: "Sure I do, honey! I just wanna have a beer while I'm caring!"
 
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else...[
 
I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp!
 
If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
Marge: Good!
 
Homer: Would you like a donut?
Lisa: No, do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff in it. Purple is a fruit.
 
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
 
"I'm going to the backseat of my car with the
woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN
MINUTES."
 
Homer taklking to Marge: You remember like the guy who single handedly built the rocket and went to the moon, what was his name Apollo Creed?
 
"Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"
 
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."
 
Homer: I did it. Second in line, and I only had to miss eight days of work.

Other guy: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.

Homer: In theory, yes. Jerk.

*****************************

*Homer rembering childhood wagon wreck after drinking beer*

Barney (past): Let's never drink again.

Homer (present): And we never did *drinking beer*
 
i can't believe no one's posted this one yet:

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Clerk: Ok, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?

Homer: I don't know.
 
"I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too...I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out 'who forgot to pick up who' till the cows come hom. But lets just say we're both wrong and that'll be that."
 
Homer: I remember my first day of school.

*flashback*

Grandpa: Homer, you're dumb as mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride, I say take it.

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood!
 
*Homer wandering onto a construction site*

Homer: "Must hurt self, must hurt self, must hurt self."

*Wrench falls and he runs under it, but misses it.*

*Bucket of concrete falls and he runs under it, but misses it.*

Homer: "D'oh!"

*Wheelbarrow of cinder blocks falls onto worker and crushes him*

Homer: "Hmm, Probably better that didn't hit me."
 
This thread rules!! I can throw out Homer quotes until I'm blue in the face.

1. "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING."

2. Bart: Bye Homer, I'm off to the father son picnic.

Homer: Hmph...you don't even have a son

3. Homer portraying King Solomon in a dream. Lenny and Carl are arguing over who is the owner of a pie: "I will take this sword and cut it in half. You both will get..........death, I'll eat the pie"

I'll be back with more.........
 
bgdaddysmooth said:
This thread rules!! I can throw out Homer quotes until I'm blue in the face.

1. "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FLAMING."

2. Bart: Bye Homer, I'm off to the father son picnic.

Homer: Hmph...you don't even have a son

3. Homer portraying King Solomon in a dream. Lenny and Carl are arguing over who is the owner of a pie: "I will take this sword and cut it in half. You both will get..........death, I'll eat the pie"

I'll be back with more.........
Click to expand...
 
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
 
"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"

BTW Wodin...is that Pvt Joker in your avatar?
 
Homer:

"its okay Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. Its clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii"

Selma:

I want to have a baby before it's too late. Your're looking at a free lunch boys. Come and get it."
 
tripleV said:
hey baby.....doesn't Homer say
mmmmmm donuts.
i say
mmmmmm hannibal!!
Click to expand...

:bigkiss:

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
 
"Oh all the delicous monkies"

Hannibal said:
BTW Wodin...is that Pvt Joker in your avatar?
Click to expand...

Yes it is.... :) Makin his war face!
 
"haha she has to go to the prom with the dud. Hey he looks like you poindexter"

"Hey look! That kid has bosoms, quick someone gimme a wet towel"

"MMMMM The land of chocalate"

Homer cracking open a beer in his car on his way to work.
"Here's to productivity!"

"Marge you know it's my lifelong dream to be a sideshow freak"
"Homer your dream was to go see the car shaped like a bowling pin and you saw that last year"
 
Milhouse said:
[B
Homer cracking open a beer in his car on his way to work.
"Here's to productivity!"
[/B]
Click to expand...

"To Professionalism"

"Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!"
 
Homer after returning from a local talent competition that ended in a riot:" Lisa look! I got second prize!"

Lisa: "You won second prize Dad?"

Homer: "No, but I got it!"
 
Homer: I've been secretly going to the gym at night, go ahead try to grab some fat. Wait no not there, not there either, wait grab my arms.

The family: OHHH
 
Librarian: Excuse me are you a student at this school?

Homer: I think it's pretty obvious I am, go school!! ( Homer waves a home made flag)
 
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
 
"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."
 
(At an Isotopes baseball game. Isotopes haved sucked for years and this is the begining of the new season)

Homer: It just goes to show ya, you can't count on anyone.

Lisa: Even you Dad?

Homer: ESPECIALLY me.
 
(The obese episode when he finds out he only needs to push the Y button instead of typing yes.)
"Hey Mrs doesn't find me attractive, I just tripled my productivity."

"All my life I have been an obese man trapped in a fat man's body..."

-----------------------------------

"When I was 17, I drank a very good beer, I drank a very good beer I purchased with a fake ID.
My name was Bryan McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17."

-----------------------------------

(To the Flinstones theme)
Simpson, Ho-mer Simpson, he's the greatest dad in his-to-ryyyyyy
From the, town of springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut treeeeeeee, D'OH.

----------------------------------

(While drunk and slurring)
Marg, you got a butt that won't quit. They got these chewy pretzels that are da da da da da da da, Five dollars, get outta here.

------------------------------------

"I'd sell my soulll for a donut."

"Mmmmmmmmm, sacrilicious."

-----------------------------------

OK, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just get thru this so I can go back to killing you with beer.

-----------------------------------
"Bart, when you don't like your job you don't just quit, you just go about i treal half-assed, that's the American way."

-----------------------------------

"Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics."

-----------------------------------

Lisa: "It is better to sit in ignorance than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Homer talking to self: "Better say something before she thinks you're stupid."

Homer to Lisa: "Takes one to know one."

Homer to self :"Swisssssshhhhhhhhhh"

-----------------------------------

(Homer and Lisa when she gives up eating meat)

HOmer: So you are never gonna eat meat again?

Lisa: No.

Homer: "what about bacon?"

Lisa: No

Homer: "What about sausage?"

Lisa: No

Homer: What about pork chops?

Lisa: NO. Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer: Sure honey, a wonderful, magical animal.

----------------------------------------------------------

Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet.

Homer: Well, It's not quite a mop. Not quites a puppet, but boy man, hahahahahahahaha. So to answer your question I don't know.
 
Last edited:
Lisa: "I'll go check on the internet."
Homer: "The internet? Is that thing still around?"


Mr Burns: "What the? How could you do such a stupid thing"
Homer: "Its my first day."
Mr Burns: "Oh, in that case"
Smithers: "Thats Homer Simpson. Hes been here for 10 years."
Mr. Burns: "What the? How could you lie to me like that?"
Homer: "Its my first day."
Mr. Burns: " Oh in that case..wait a minute!"
 
"Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"

"PS. I am GAY"
 
Homer: "This is Ned Flanders and he is my friend!"
Lenny: "What'd he say?
Carl: "I dunno, something about being gay."


;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
 
Bart: And to help save money, I'll take up smoking and quit!
Homer: Congratulations, boy. Quitting smoking is the hardest thing you can do. Here's a dollar.
Lisa: But dad, he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? ...Didn't he?
 
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
 
From the episode in which Bart, Lisa and Maggie are placed in the care of the Flanders family when Homer and Marge are found to be unfit parents. At the end of the episode, when Marge and Homer come back, the Flanders take the Simpsons' kids out to be baptized.

Homer and Marge are in hot pursuit.

Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders!
[thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and --
[aloud] To the Springfield River!
 
Last edited:
"The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers."
 
Marge: We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer: Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.
Lenny: [driving alongside Homer's car] Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty.
Homer: Really? Think I should get it washed?
Lenny: Yeah, maybe. [he pulls away, and Homer pulls into a car wash]
Marge: You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
Homer: [not listening] Hey, that's great.
 
Homer: Wow. They captured my personality perfectly! Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet?
Lisa: That's not really you, Dad, he's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.
Homer: [long pause] Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa.
Marge: Homer, it's just a coincidence. Like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall who stole your car stereo?
Bart: Right ... coincidence.
 
When he was in the witness protection program:

Agent: We'll try this again. When I say "Hello Mr. Thompson and stomp on your foot. You simply nod your head." HEL-LO MR THOMPSON!!! *stomping on foot violently*
*Long pause* *blank stare*
Homer: *leaning towards other agent* "I think he's talking to you..."

Phumunda
 
Homer: "No beer, not tv make Homer go something something..."
Marge: "Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do! BLAAAAHHHH!!!"

[I can't believe that wasn't posted yet...]

Phumunda
 
Phumunda said:
Lisa... you and your crazy stories...
- Bart's a vampire
- Beer kills brain cells...

Phumunda
Click to expand...

lol



"Who needs English? I'm never going to England."

"But dad!?!? if you're the police, then who will police the police!?!?.............Homer--I don't know, Coast Guard?"
 
Stumpy said:
Marge: We'd better stop and get the car washed.
Homer: Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.
Lenny: [driving alongside Homer's car] Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty.
Homer: Really? Think I should get it washed?
Lenny: Yeah, maybe. [he pulls away, and Homer pulls into a car wash]
Marge: You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.
Homer: [not listening] Hey, that's great.
Click to expand...

:FRlol: :FRlol:

This thread is awesome.
 
"Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"
 
Ryan, this one is for you. :)

Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going.
Homer: Woah-ho-ho, not me! And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming.
 
John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know! It's not... usual. If there was a law, it'd be against it!
Marge: Oh Homer, please! You're embarrassing yourself.
Homer: No I'm not, Marge! They're embarrasing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!! Well I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!
 
Barney: Today, you're gonna be a man, Bart.
Bart: You guys going to teach me to drive?
Moe: [to Barney] Oh, yeah, let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.
Homer: [chuckling nervously] No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting.
Moe: You ever been hunting before, there, Barty?
Bart: Nope. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.
[awkward silence]
Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man.
 
Homer: Marge I need to do a good deed to get into Heaven.
Marge: Well theres a list of chores to be done. You can clean the garage...
Homer: I'm just trying to get in; I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: I did the good deed let me in.
St Peter: I'm sorry I wasn't looking.
Homer: Hey I thought you guys seen everything.
St Peter: No you're thinking of Santa Claus.
 
The Simpsons episode when the dolphins take over is on!!!!!
 
Last edited:
Didn't want the thread to die . . .

Homer singing: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. We built this city on rock-n-roll...something something wayyyyy!!!!

There's nothing to worry about kids. The meteor will probably burn up into a little rock no bigger than the size of a chihauhau's head. And if I'm wrong, then may we all die a horrible burning death.

All of the get-rich-quick schemes didn't work. But this one is sure to get me rich...and quick!

Marge, you know me. I can't even say the word 'Titmouse' without giggling like a little schoolgirl hee-hee hee-hee hee-hee

Operator! Quick, give me the number to 911!! (can't remember if that one has been posted yet)

SK
 
bgdaddysmooth said:
Homer after returning from a local talent competition that ended in a riot:" Lisa look! I got second prize!"

Lisa: "You won second prize Dad?"

Homer: "No, but I got it!"
Click to expand...

homer: stealing is wrong



-----------

gunstore owner: i can't sell you a gun for 5 days

homer: 5 days? but i'm mad now

(gunstore owner takes his revolver away)

homer: i'd kill you if i had my gun

-----------

the episode where homer's liver is telling him not to drink anymore, and he gets pissed and punches himself in the stomach and goes 'ow, my liver'. i can't remember the line but that was good.

-----------
 
Last edited:
Alright brain, you don't like me and i don't like you, so let's just do this thing and I'll go back to killing you with beer.
- Homer, In TV Shows/The Simpsons
 
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