Couples Counseling

[rainbococksleev]

Digi wtf are u talkin about you're old ass neurons are firin blanks like ur old marshmallow dick homie

 

[Captain FT]

Four years is a long time. I'd have a hard time getting past four years. Are you considering separating but don't want to because of the kids?

We are in a pretty good place her and I all things considered, but I have my good days and bad days. Days where my mind wanders and I can't get the visuals out of my head. I don't want to be without my kids but I also don't want to be without her. If we didn't have kids it might be different and one of the things that angers me the most is she is the one that put me in this position of choice. I have to choose now, do I want to be selfish and not see my kids as much and be separate or do I want to try and make it work so I can see those little joys ever day of my life even if I want to kill them 90% of the time.

 

[Captain FT]

Agree. A good mom doesn't tear apart her family.

However, sometimes women that aren't and haven't getting all their needs met for awhile (because kids can't and shouldn't be meeting mom's needs) will turn outside the marriage relationship and pick a married man, or someone they can't really have, the reasoning being the relationship won't materialize into anything that threatens the marriage (in their mind) and they can get their needs met and stay married and no one gets hurt. No one was supposed to find out. It's stupid but that's what I think was happens sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong too, but when I've seen this happen usually the wife doesn't want to leave, she just...well...was weak. Maybe weak character. Maybe family stuff. I don't really know all that. And I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on that. I just don't see any other reason why she'd do it with a married man other than, she didn't really want a divorce and FT was doing some things right.

When they don't want to try or refuse to give up the affair/man that's an entirely different deal.

This is correct and pretty spot on.

 

[Captain FT]

what was the other dude giving her that you weren't? serious question...

The other side had an agenda, so he gave her undivided attention, agreement with whatever she said, a shoulder to lean on, told her things she needed to hear. All the things I couldn't do because we:
1) had a 2yo and a new born
2) are two working parents
3) had no time to talk about anything
4) were too tired at night for anything

He was able to meet those needs when she was:
1) alone
2) had no kids around
3) had free time during work
4) wasn't tired

It's a pretty simple formula for how it happened and I understand how it happened. If I reverse the roles, and there was a woman at my office that gave me undivided attention when we talked - told me all the things I wanted to/needed to hear and pursued me with physical interest I don't know of many men that would say stop either.

I get how it started and I'm ok and at peace with that it's the longevity and magnitude of what happened that gets me.

 

[blueta2]

My ex was swearing on his kids heads he was not cheating...we were in couples therapy, AA couples groups and he was telling anyone who would listen that I Was "crazy" for accusing him.
Well I finally caught him, he laughed in my face and I asked him to leave. I never took him back. Cheating was my deal breaker. Though when he punched me, that should have been the deal breaker.
Now there is scum like my ex who are just chronic liars and cheaters then there are people who make mistakes. If you feel she is a chronic cheater, then you will never have peace.
This mistrust eats you like cancer. If she just messed up and you feel she is not chronic, then maybe it can work.

I sympathize and relate and sorry you have to go through this. It's SO painful!!! This is why I stay single. I was with a guy all summer who I've known since HS and we work we've worked out together at the gym for years....we started to date, he was "falling" and then I found out he used to scam seniors in a telemarketing scam. I ended it! Hard to trust and find good people.

 

[digimon7068]

pics of an ex-wife?

pics of you handling ex-wife...and n/m...i was having some of mitch's medicine when i tapped that out hahaha

 

[digimon7068]

Digi wtf are u talkin about you're old ass neurons are firin blanks like ur old marshmallow dick homie

shut up...i'm better than you at everything.

 

[digimon7068]

My wife wasn't looking to cheat it evolved. They started going to lunch and talking. We were both not happy four years ago, he would be there to listen and tell her how right she was about everything and it just evolved. After time he "just understood her" in a way I didn't and provided the emotional relationship that her and I didn't have because we had a 2 year old and a new born and we were both working parents so our time together was nonexistent and they had free time during the work day. I get how it started and how it evolved what I don't get is how she could do that to me for so long behind my back and have it develop into and physical and intimate relationship.

so all this stuff took place at lunch time or there were times when she took time (e.g., in the evening) that she should have been spending with her kids to play hide-the-salami with her co-worker?

 

[caligirl85]

so all this stuff took place at lunch time or there were times when she took time (e.g., in the evening) that she should have been spending with her kids to play hide-the-salami with her co-worker?

You're not helping

Eh!

 

[digimon7068]

You're not helping

Eh!

i'm trying to make sense out of that situation (if that is in fact their situation)...i've noticed it a lot lately...it really blows my mind when the kids are little girls and mom abandons them with dad...it's like there are some genes missing or something...i know that part of being a good mom/parent is learned behavior, but part of it is also genetic imho, especially for moms...the whole animal world is that way and we are animals too.

he's being honest (i believe) and they are in counseling...this subject must have come up...and if it didn't, it should...at the next meeting. mom's aren't supposed to do shit like that...and she needs to face that reality and then figure out if she even has what it takes to be a good mom. of course, this is all just my opinion and i have nothing scientific to base it on.

even if they were just getting busy at lunch time...most working mom's use part of their lunch break to call the care-giver and see how the kids are doing.