BIKINIMOM said:
My bf's got two dogs that I dig but they are worse than kids I swear. Good thing THEY KNOW they are not allowed on the bed...
They BOTH love to stick their cold wet noses in my crotch or ass - makes me jump a mile high. They will not let us even kiss. LOL Anyway he was telling me this story of how he was railing some chick and they had come home pretty drunk one night and as she was getting naked the dog put his nose in her crotch. She got down and said, "OK... go ahead if you want it so bad!" ....and lets the dog start licking her coochie.
I was sooooooooooooo grossed out by that story. Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww
lol, thats fuckin hilarious!
I've got a new story to tell...
Last month, I had a long anticipated rendeveaux with a co-worker who happens to work in a different state. We had never met, only spoken over the phone, and over time became very flirtatious with eachother and exchanged pictures etc. We found out our personalities are so alike its rediculas... and we were both very attracted to eachother even tho we had not met. We decided that we had to meet, it was driving us both crazy.
So, I made a nice little work-related cover story and mashed out a few days later on the 7 hour drive to meet her. Her voice always drove me nuts on the phone, and she always said I sounded so sexy its stupid... I couldnt wait to see her.
After 7 hours of driving, i got there sometime between midnight and 1am. We'll, lets just say when I got there... I HAD BEEN DECEIVED! The pictures I saw were misleading to say the least. She was pretty tipsy when I got there. We had discussed it and said we were both going to be pretty trashed when I got there so that it would make it a little easier to break the ice.... well, im just glad I was fairly sober for the most part, lol.
She was super cool tho, and I thought... hey this isnt THAT bad... I've been in worse situations...
I had met up with her in the "city" area of where she lived... place was like fuckin hick-town USA... You guys and gals have no idea how out of place I felt! Then she lays on me about how shes got some bad news... she started her period...
WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT 7 HOURS AGO!?!???! Jesus, fuckin, christ... Just fyi people... i dont do ANYTHING with a woman when she is having her period. That shit disgusts me. I can count on 1 hand the number of times I have had sex with a woman while shes on her period.
Well then we went back to her place after I met her in town. She had 2 weiner dogs... lil fuckers. She lived by herself and obviously these dogs were like her god damn children. We posted up in her living room for a bit... I grabbed a bottle of wine from her kitchen cause i needed somethin to drink ASAP.
She was pretty drunk, so she was struglin by this point to stay awake and I was tired as hell from the drive after working all day. So she said lets go to bed, which was fine with me cause I prayed that I would go to sleep and wake up and then when i woke up the who thing was a bad dream. Well things went from bad to worse...
We climbed in bed, and these fuckin dogs jump up in the bed with us... no big deal really, i mean... im an animal lover, its all good. Ive had dogs and cats sleep with me, so im not too miffed by it... but i swear to you... these fuckin dogs guys... one of the lil fuckers got between our legs and the other fucker got behind me right in the small of my back! I was pinned! i couldnt fuckin move! And i know some of you guys are gonna be like "Dude, why didnt you just push the motherfuckers off of you!?" Believe me, i tried.... repeatedly. These lil fuckers werent goin! The more I would push and squirm to get some room from them, the more they would just hunker down and push back into me! Im like WTF?!
So now im hemmed up with some girl I honestly would never hook up with in a normal situation, and pinned in between 2 fuckin dogs where I cant move really an inch, in a town full of nothing but rednecks where I dont know a single soul, and 7 hours away from my house.
At this point, ol girl rolls over and plants one on me... oh what the fuck am I about to do... We half-ass makeout for 15 mins or so before thankfully she passes out.
At this point, im just in shock. Im lying there, trying to figure out if Im on an episode of punk'd or what.... expecting at any second Ashton Kutcher could bust through the door with a god damn camera crew.
When the morning finally came and I woke up, unhappily to discover that it wasnt a bad dream... I woke up way before she did because im used to getting up at 4am. I got up, and slid out of bed and made my way downstairs... at this point, im in a panic. I've GOT TO GET OUT, somehow some way, period.
I called my homeboy up and was like "dude... you gotta call me back at 7am on the dot, seriously. Dont ask questions, i just need you to do this for me... please!" I stayed downstairs for a little while, trying to collect myself and get a game plan. I went back upstairs and put my phone on loud and laid it on the bedside table. I slid back into bed with her... and those god damn dogs, and waited... and waited... and waited.
7 rolls around and my homeboy comes through like a champ! *RING* loud as fuck... I try to sound as if I had just woken up when i got the phone and then I sat up immediately and was like "WHAT?! Oh fuck me... are you serious? Do my folks know yet? Ok, well both of them are away for work and its going take them at least a day to get home to handle things... fuck, I have to?! GOD DAMNIT! Ok, tell them i will be there as soon as I get back in town... Thanks man" *click*
She was like "What was that all about, is everything ok??". I should have won a god damn Oscar for this... I played the old "My grandmother died" story! lol. She knew my parents both worked out of state, so I told her that both of them are away and I have to go claim the body, and begin arrangements at the funeral home etc. I pulled it off so good. I jumped in the shower, and quickly tried to wash the dirty feeling off of me. I felt like I was in the movie "The Crying Game" or some shit!
After the shower I went downstairs and she was there all upset. I got my stuff together and wrapped everything up with her... told her how sorry I was and how bad it sucked but that I Was thankful for the time we did have together. This whole time im battling the voice in my head thats just shouting "GET OUT NOW!".
I finally got to the point where Im about to leave, and I hug her goodbye and jump in my truck and MASH back towards home. Only problem is... im not supposed to be home for 3 more days according to my cover story! What the fuck am I gonna do?! Well I had plenty of time to think about it thats for sure... 7 god damn hour drive... You guys and gals cant imagine how pissed I was at this point, lol. Well then ol girl starts texting me, all emotional about the entire situation... basically she shows her "crazy" colors to me, and im nothing but even more thankful I removed myself from that situation as quickly as possible!
I ended up getting in touch with one of my best friends on the way home who lives in a city about 2 hours from where I live, and I swung through his place and posted up there for a day. That day I called home and said that we were moving quickly and might actually finish up what we were doing early, and I may be home sooner than I expected. I called again late that night to say I was working frantically to try and wrap things up so we could get out of there and I could get back home.
I called again early the next morning and said it looks like we will be finishing up today, and if we can get done early enough we will be headed back in late that night. On my way home that night, I stopped by another friends house... who happened to be the only one that knew the true story of where I was going. He and I confide stuff to eachother to get things off our chest that we know we cant tell anyone else about. Whenever I got to his place, he immediately asked me "Well... how was it?"
I told him the story and the response I got was:
"Funniest.... Shit.... Ever." And he errupted in laughter for about 15 minutes! After talking about it with him for a while and both of us sitting there in disbelief regarding what I had just gone through, I gathered myself and headed home.
Wow... just wow. Only me.
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