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Couples Counseling

peter quinn said:
i believe the opposite is true. the masculinity (machismo, whatever you want to call it), would more than likely cause the man to make a decision without thinking it out completely.

the first inclination of a masculine man would be...."fuck it, im out this bitch".

...and may or may not regret it after more rational thoughts come into play.
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My definition of masculine has changed, real men do what they can to keep their families together. They try, they forgive, they recognize mistakes. They're fathers and husbands. Men are mature. Not overgrown boys with out of control egos. A lot of men that I've talked to, yes when your wife or husband cheats it is extremely painful, but survivable and fixable. Some of you...it's your egos that can't handle it. Women also feel the same pain but we don't have that ego thing you guys have. I'm not saying it's like that across the board, just in general.
 
cindylou said:
My definition of masculine has changed, real men do what they can to keep their families together. They try, they forgive, they recognize mistakes. They're fathers and husbands. Men are mature. Not overgrown boys with out of control egos. A lot of men that I've talked to, yes when your wife or husband cheats it is extremely painful, but survivable and fixable. Some of you...it's your egos that can't handle it. Women also feel the same pain but we don't have that ego thing you guys have. I'm not saying it's like that across the board, just in general.
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I agree and disagree. It all depends on the situation. Like I said before, you have to make sure you are happy in your life, what's the point of trying to keep a family together just for the sake of kids. It's not healthy on both sides. Some people just aren't meant to be together and only over time couples will see that.
 
cindylou said:
My definition of masculine has changed, real men do what they can to keep their families together. They try, they forgive, they recognize mistakes. They're fathers and husbands. Men are mature. Not overgrown boys with out of control egos. A lot of men that I've talked to, yes when your wife or husband cheats it is extremely painful, but survivable and fixable. Some of you...it's your egos that can't handle it. Women also feel the same pain but we don't have that ego thing you guys have. I'm not saying it's like that across the board, just in general.
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That's exactly it, I guess I'm masculine then.
 
wootoom said:
I agree and disagree. It all depends on the situation. Like I said before, you have to make sure you are happy in your life, what's the point of trying to keep a family together just for the sake of kids. It's not healthy on both sides. Some people just aren't meant to be together and only over time couples will see that.
Click to expand...

I do agree with that too.
 
wootoom said:
I agree and disagree. It all depends on the situation. Like I said before, you have to make sure you are happy in your life, what's the point of trying to keep a family together just for the sake of kids. It's not healthy on both sides. Some people just aren't meant to be together and only over time couples will see that.
Click to expand...


I wouldn't be be going through with making things work if I wasn't happy. I agree with that too. If time goes by and I find in not happy or can't get over it then I will move on and separate. But to decide to separate the moment you find out and not try to make your existing relationship better for the sake of your kids and family and wife that's just cowardly. You have to take a step back and find out what went wrong, how it went wrong and fix it. If after you've made that effort you feel it still won't work then at least you tried. I'm at the trying stage right now.
 
cindylou said:
I do agree with that too.
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I'm sure you were more talking about this situation and I agree with you, obviously FT loves his wife more than anything and wants to make it work. If she does as well, then I think it's definitely saveable.
 
I do love her unconditionally, and I've proven that to her by being willing to make this work. Now it's her turn to do the same and prove it to me. We are also working to understand how this all started through counseling.
 
I also got her to squirt, something she never thought possible before and now it happens all the time. Oddly enough our intimacy has gotten 1000x better after she told me.
 
Captain FT said:
I also got her to squirt, something she never thought possible before and now it happens all the time. Oddly enough our intimacy has gotten 1000x better after she told me.
Click to expand...


Of course your intimacy has increased, she fucking cheated on you for 4 years, she's probably doing anything to save her relationship at this point.
 
Captain FT said:
I ask myself that all the time. You think you know someone and you just don't go there. There is also a lot of mental compartmentalizing on her part due to her upbringing and it was no big deal for her to be one way with me and another away from me. Sometimes you don't realize how your upbringing fucked you up until much later in life.
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what was the other dude giving her that you weren't? serious question...
 
Captain FT said:
I've thought about posting the dudes info on here, name, email, mobile number, his wife's email and name and letting justice be served, but I can't do it. I'm not in the business of ruining someone else's marriage even though they ruined mine.
Click to expand...

you just said it...
 
WoodyO said:
Life can get boring. She had a lil mini vacation & fling.
Click to expand...

every good mom i've ever known, when their kids were young...0 to 20-something...their kids are the number one priority in their life...ahead of everyone else...including hubby. that's just the way it works from my experience. and when i run across one of those situations like this one, it always makes me pause and scratch my head. a good mom is never "bored"...exhausted maybe...but not bored. and exhausted moms don't have time to fuck around. and good moms lives are fulfilled by their kids...they barely have the time or need for some dude with a fucking boner.
 
digimon7068 said:
every good mom i've ever known, when their kids were young...0 to 20-something...their kids are the number one priority in their life...ahead of everyone else...including hubby. that's just the way it works from my experience. and when i run across one of those situations like this one, it always makes me pause and scratch my head. a good mom is never "bored"...exhausted maybe...but not bored. and exhausted moms don't have time to fuck around. and good moms lives are fulfilled by their kids...they barely have the time or need for some dude with a fucking boner.
Click to expand...

Agree. A good mom doesn't tear apart her family.

However, sometimes women that aren't and haven't getting all their needs met for awhile (because kids can't and shouldn't be meeting mom's needs) will turn outside the marriage relationship and pick a married man, or someone they can't really have, the reasoning being the relationship won't materialize into anything that threatens the marriage (in their mind) and they can get their needs met and stay married and no one gets hurt. No one was supposed to find out. It's stupid but that's what I think was happens sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong too, but when I've seen this happen usually the wife doesn't want to leave, she just...well...was weak. Maybe weak character. Maybe family stuff. I don't really know all that. And I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on that. I just don't see any other reason why she'd do it with a married man other than, she didn't really want a divorce and FT was doing some things right.

When they don't want to try or refuse to give up the affair/man that's an entirely different deal.
 
cindylou said:
Agree. A good mom doesn't tear apart her family.

However, sometimes women that aren't and haven't getting all their needs met for awhile (because kids can't and shouldn't be meeting mom's needs) will turn outside the marriage relationship and pick a married man, the reasoning being the relationship won't materialize into anything that threatens the marriage (in their mind) and they can get their needs met and stay married and no one gets hurt. No one was supposed to find out. It's stupid but that's what I think was happens sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong too, but when I've seen this happen usually the wife doesn't want to leave, she just...well...was weak. Maybe weak character. Maybe family stuff. I don't really know all that.
Click to expand...

Why are you doing this?
 
digimon7068 said:
man, if she was, i'd be laying pipe somewhere else tomorrow...i like women...it was really hard to pick just one.
Click to expand...

That's what we all like to think. I'd be fucked up for a while though honestly. I'd have to separate, temp or not.

If someone wanted to take advantage of my weakened state then so be it. As a matter of fact I think my wife has been cheating on me recently

Ladies?
 
cindylou said:
Agree. A good mom doesn't tear apart her family.

However, sometimes women that aren't and haven't getting all their needs met for awhile (because kids can't and shouldn't be meeting mom's needs) will turn outside the marriage relationship and pick a married man, the reasoning being the relationship won't materialize into anything that threatens the marriage (in their mind) and they can get their needs met and stay married and no one gets hurt. No one was supposed to find out. It's stupid but that's what I think was happens sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong too, but when I've seen this happen usually the wife doesn't want to leave, she just...well...was weak. Maybe weak character. Maybe family stuff. I don't really know all that.

When they don't want to try or refuse to give up the affair/man that's an entirely different deal.
Click to expand...

if you have more than one kid, how the hell would you find time to fulfill your needs outside of your marriage and, wouldn't that time be better spent with your kids...or doing something extra at work to get a promotion...or learning to play the piano? makes no sense to me.
 
sexyMFer said:
That's what we all like to think. I'd be fucked up for a while though honestly. I'd have to separate, temp or not.

If someone wanted to take advantage of my weakened state then so be it. As a matter of fact I think my wife has been cheating on me recently

Ladies?
Click to expand...

my wife and i have been together for 25 years...23 married...and i love her to death...she's very pretty and tiny and she's got nice boobies and she's smart and funny and really fun in bed...and she's just the best mom i have ever seen (and that's the sexiest thing in the world to me)...it would absolutely break my heart if i found out that she was cheating on me...but, yeah...i'd be getting busy with someone else within a couple weeks...that part of my life is still really important to me.
 
sexyMFer said:
That's what we all like to think. I'd be fucked up for a while though honestly. I'd have to separate, temp or not.

If someone wanted to take advantage of my weakened state then so be it. As a matter of fact I think my wife has been cheating on me recently

Ladies?
Click to expand...

i just got that...i'm a little slow :FRlol:
 
digimon7068 said:
my wife and i have been together for 25 years...23 married...and i love her to death...she's very pretty and tiny and she's got nice boobies and she's smart and funny and really fun in bed...and she's just the best mom i have ever seen (and that's the sexiest thing in the world to me)...it would absolutely break my heart if i found out that she was cheating on me...but, yeah...i'd be getting busy with someone else within a couple weeks...that part of my life is still really important to me.
Click to expand...

What are your thoughts on having backups in the case the unthinkable does happen? I'm all about preparedness. Jahfeel?
 
digimon7068 said:
if you have more than one kid, how the hell would you find time to fulfill your needs outside of your marriage and, wouldn't that time be better spent with your kids...or doing something extra at work to get a promotion...or learning to play the piano? makes no sense to me.
Click to expand...
Oh I don't know I'm just speculating but maybe that is why married people cheat with married people maybe because they don't have a lot of time and energy? Lol. I'm lucky to get a shower every day. I cannot imagine trying to make two men happy fuck that.
 
sexyMFer said:
What are your thoughts on having backups in the case the unthinkable does happen? I'm all about preparedness. Jahfeel?
Click to expand...

i'm 50 and i look good in and out of a suit...there are so many backups out there in my demographic, why the fuck would i need to have any positively identified? plus, for me, the identification process involves girl-on-top sex and my wife has this totally restrictive anti-dating policy :rolleyes:
 
cindylou said:
Oh I don't know I'm just speculating but maybe that is why married people cheat with married people maybe because they don't have a lot of time and energy? Lol. I'm lucky to get a shower every day. I cannot imagine trying to make two men happy fuck that.
Click to expand...

That's because when you cheat you're no longer interested in making both men happy
 
My wife wasn't looking to cheat it evolved. They started going to lunch and talking. We were both not happy four years ago, he would be there to listen and tell her how right she was about everything and it just evolved. After time he "just understood her" in a way I didn't and provided the emotional relationship that her and I didn't have because we had a 2 year old and a new born and we were both working parents so our time together was nonexistent and they had free time during the work day. I get how it started and how it evolved what I don't get is how she could do that to me for so long behind my back and have it develop into and physical and intimate relationship.
 
Four years is a long time. I'd have a hard time getting past four years. Are you considering separating but don't want to because of the kids?
 
sexyMFer said:
Four years is a long time. I'd have a hard time getting past four years. Are you considering separating but don't want to because of the kids?
Click to expand...


We are in a pretty good place her and I all things considered, but I have my good days and bad days. Days where my mind wanders and I can't get the visuals out of my head. I don't want to be without my kids but I also don't want to be without her. If we didn't have kids it might be different and one of the things that angers me the most is she is the one that put me in this position of choice. I have to choose now, do I want to be selfish and not see my kids as much and be separate or do I want to try and make it work so I can see those little joys ever day of my life even if I want to kill them 90% of the time.
 
cindylou said:
Agree. A good mom doesn't tear apart her family.

However, sometimes women that aren't and haven't getting all their needs met for awhile (because kids can't and shouldn't be meeting mom's needs) will turn outside the marriage relationship and pick a married man, or someone they can't really have, the reasoning being the relationship won't materialize into anything that threatens the marriage (in their mind) and they can get their needs met and stay married and no one gets hurt. No one was supposed to find out. It's stupid but that's what I think was happens sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong too, but when I've seen this happen usually the wife doesn't want to leave, she just...well...was weak. Maybe weak character. Maybe family stuff. I don't really know all that. And I don't know, maybe I'm wrong on that. I just don't see any other reason why she'd do it with a married man other than, she didn't really want a divorce and FT was doing some things right.

When they don't want to try or refuse to give up the affair/man that's an entirely different deal.
Click to expand...


This is correct and pretty spot on.
 
digimon7068 said:
what was the other dude giving her that you weren't? serious question...
Click to expand...


The other side had an agenda, so he gave her undivided attention, agreement with whatever she said, a shoulder to lean on, told her things she needed to hear. All the things I couldn't do because we:
1) had a 2yo and a new born
2) are two working parents
3) had no time to talk about anything
4) were too tired at night for anything

He was able to meet those needs when she was:
1) alone
2) had no kids around
3) had free time during work
4) wasn't tired

It's a pretty simple formula for how it happened and I understand how it happened. If I reverse the roles, and there was a woman at my office that gave me undivided attention when we talked - told me all the things I wanted to/needed to hear and pursued me with physical interest I don't know of many men that would say stop either.

I get how it started and I'm ok and at peace with that it's the longevity and magnitude of what happened that gets me.
 
My ex was swearing on his kids heads he was not cheating...we were in couples therapy, AA couples groups and he was telling anyone who would listen that I Was "crazy" for accusing him.
Well I finally caught him, he laughed in my face and I asked him to leave. I never took him back. Cheating was my deal breaker. Though when he punched me, that should have been the deal breaker.
Now there is scum like my ex who are just chronic liars and cheaters then there are people who make mistakes. If you feel she is a chronic cheater, then you will never have peace.
This mistrust eats you like cancer. If she just messed up and you feel she is not chronic, then maybe it can work.

I sympathize and relate and sorry you have to go through this. It's SO painful!!! This is why I stay single. I was with a guy all summer who I've known since HS and we work we've worked out together at the gym for years....we started to date, he was "falling" and then I found out he used to scam seniors in a telemarketing scam. I ended it! Hard to trust and find good people.
 
Captain FT said:
My wife wasn't looking to cheat it evolved. They started going to lunch and talking. We were both not happy four years ago, he would be there to listen and tell her how right she was about everything and it just evolved. After time he "just understood her" in a way I didn't and provided the emotional relationship that her and I didn't have because we had a 2 year old and a new born and we were both working parents so our time together was nonexistent and they had free time during the work day. I get how it started and how it evolved what I don't get is how she could do that to me for so long behind my back and have it develop into and physical and intimate relationship.
Click to expand...

so all this stuff took place at lunch time or there were times when she took time (e.g., in the evening) that she should have been spending with her kids to play hide-the-salami with her co-worker?
 
digimon7068 said:
so all this stuff took place at lunch time or there were times when she took time (e.g., in the evening) that she should have been spending with her kids to play hide-the-salami with her co-worker?
Click to expand...


You're not helping

Eh!

;)
 
caligirl85 said:
You're not helping

Eh!

;)
Click to expand...

i'm trying to make sense out of that situation (if that is in fact their situation)...i've noticed it a lot lately...it really blows my mind when the kids are little girls and mom abandons them with dad...it's like there are some genes missing or something...i know that part of being a good mom/parent is learned behavior, but part of it is also genetic imho, especially for moms...the whole animal world is that way and we are animals too.

he's being honest (i believe) and they are in counseling...this subject must have come up...and if it didn't, it should...at the next meeting. mom's aren't supposed to do shit like that...and she needs to face that reality and then figure out if she even has what it takes to be a good mom. of course, this is all just my opinion and i have nothing scientific to base it on.

even if they were just getting busy at lunch time...most working mom's use part of their lunch break to call the care-giver and see how the kids are doing.
 
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blueta2 said:
My ex was swearing on his kids heads he was not cheating...we were in couples therapy, AA couples groups and he was telling anyone who would listen that I Was "crazy" for accusing him.
Well I finally caught him, he laughed in my face and I asked him to leave. I never took him back. Cheating was my deal breaker. Though when he punched me, that should have been the deal breaker.
Now there is scum like my ex who are just chronic liars and cheaters then there are people who make mistakes. If you feel she is a chronic cheater, then you will never have peace.
This mistrust eats you like cancer. If she just messed up and you feel she is not chronic, then maybe it can work.

I sympathize and relate and sorry you have to go through this. It's SO painful!!! This is why I stay single. I was with a guy all summer who I've known since HS and we work we've worked out together at the gym for years....we started to date, he was "falling" and then I found out he used to scam seniors in a telemarketing scam. I ended it! Hard to trust and find good people.
Click to expand...

if a dude punches you and you stay with him, you need your fucking head examined...and i mean that in the most respectful way...
 
digimon7068 said:
even if they were just getting busy at lunch time...most working mom's use part of their lunch break to call the care-giver and see how the kids are doing.
Click to expand...


The caregiver was her mom so we weren't really worried about how the kids were doing during the day.
 
Wtf digi so once a woman becomes a mother they no longer have needs, wants, desire for a bit of "me" time and they have to spend every living breathing moment with their kids or they are bad mothers?

So glad my uterus is in mint condition.
 
nangiggles said:
Wtf digi so once a woman becomes a mother they no longer have needs, wants, desire for a bit of "me" time and they have to spend every living breathing moment with their kids or they are bad mothers?

So glad my uterus is in mint condition.
Click to expand...

you're adding words and thoughts to my sentences that i neither uttered nor inferred.

when you have kids you (both parents) set all sorts of "personal" stuff aside...you don't turn it off...it just takes a backseat...if you're not prepared to do that? don't have kids because you'll be a really shitty parent and your kids will be assholes...that's the number one problem in the u.s. right now. you know that as well as anyone...that's what you do for a living, right? hell, if it wasn't for shitty parents, you'd need to look for a new job.

also, i never said anyone had to do anything...i'm just telling you what i have observed...there is a certain pattern of behavior that all good/successful parents seem to follow...and moms are different than dads (women are different than men)...this isn't like a newsflash for you, right??
 
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digimon7068 said:
if a dude punches you and you stay with him, you need your fucking head examined...and i mean that in the most respectful way...
Click to expand...

Yes some time in therapy and 4 years in Al Anon followed.
A man never hit me before and then something happened to me and I weakened and decided to get into a relationSHIT with that abuser.

I would never be with anyone like that again... :-)


But I now understand why woman stay with abusers...so I don't judge anymore
 
blueta2 said:
Yes some time in therapy and 4 years in Al Anon followed.
A man never hit me before and then something happened to me and I weakened and decided to get into a relationSHIT with that abuser.

I would never be with anyone like that again... :-)


But I now understand why woman stay with abusers...so I don't judge anymore
Click to expand...

why do they? i don't get that either. every relationship has it's highs and lows and if you really care about the other person, you work your way through it. but, you never accept even the slightest physical abuse...even a threat of it...you walk away and don't look back...this isn't asscrackistan or one of those fucked up countries where women are property.
 
It's not that easy....the dynamic of codependency is created in these sort of situations. If it were easy, all abused people would leave. He didn't start off abusive, but his mental abuse was so subtle, it almost felt surreal
 
blueta2 said:
It's not that easy....the dynamic of codependency is created in these sort of situations. If it were easy, all abused people would leave. He didn't start off abusive, but his mental abuse was so subtle, it almost felt surreal
Click to expand...

it's a mental illness...they're never easy.
 
digimon7068 said:
i'm trying to make sense out of that situation (if that is in fact their situation)...i've noticed it a lot lately...it really blows my mind when the kids are little girls and mom abandons them with dad...it's like there are some genes missing or something...i know that part of being a good mom/parent is learned behavior, but part of it is also genetic imho, especially for moms...the whole animal world is that way and we are animals too.

he's being honest (i believe) and they are in counseling...this subject must have come up...and if it didn't, it should...at the next meeting. mom's aren't supposed to do shit like that...and she needs to face that reality and then figure out if she even has what it takes to be a good mom. of course, this is all just my opinion and i have nothing scientific to base it on.

even if they were just getting busy at lunch time...most working mom's use part of their lunch break to call the care-giver and see how the kids are doing.
Click to expand...


Digi...I have some more thoughts and will write them out later since I'm on my cell in a parking lot waiting for my kid. Perhaps a different perspective from both my own life and from my career. I will add I have had to work full time since my son was 6 months old and initially you may call the caregiver but not very often. They tend to find it annoying. Stay tuned...but let me ask you..if she was a single parent, would you have the same feelings about a lunch time rendezvous?
 
caligirl85 said:
Digi...I have some more thoughts and will write them out later since I'm on my cell in a parking lot waiting for my kid. Perhaps a different perspective from both my own life and from my career. I will add I have had to work full time since my son was 6 months old and initially you may call the caregiver but not very often. They tend to find it annoying. Stay tuned...but let me ask you..if she was a single parent, would you have the same feelings about a lunch time rendezvous?
Click to expand...

i don't have any particular feelings about her...but i get your point...touche.

if she had been banging the cap'n at lunchtime? i'd definitely feel different about that.
 
Bro you know I love you but you're being a gotdam idiot. That fuckn hor would still be slobbing that prius fgts dick if it was up to her. She would have never told you if he hadn't said shit and you fuckin know it, no matter what you lie and tell yourself.

She hasn't given a fuck about your or your marriage for 4 years and god knows how much longer or how many others there would be if prius fgt didn't tell you. She would NEVER have told you. Period.

Get the fuck out of there while you can. Don't stay for the kids, you aren't married to them and they aren't married to her. I got full custody of my daughter and her hoar mother gets to fuck off while I live happy with someone who actually gives a shit about me.

Stop listening to that jackass fuckin theRapist who tells you it's normal to cheat. It's not. It's normal to have enough nuts to bring up your problems with the person you have them with and either resolve them or move on.

Bringing another person into the relationship should be totally out of the question.

Fuck that nasty cheating bitch, you KNOW deep down she would have kept it up if it weren't for prius fgt getting his wife preg and moving on.

Call that fucker and ask him what motivated him to tell you. I can almost promise you'll get a different story than the hoar is telling.

Oh, btw, beat his prius fgt ass for dicking your wife down and more importantly for driving a prius.
 
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