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Couples Counseling

C

Captain FT

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Started doing couples counseling this year. Never in my 38 years did I imagine doing this. I always thought everything was ok. We have two beautiful boys, we had a good relationship or so I thought.

On September 1, 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for the last four years with a co-worker. Let me say that again, the last four years...

I'm not a stupid person, though plank will jokingly disagree, I'm observant and try to pay attention to everything. My wife hated watching thriller movies with me cause I'd always call it, I knew what was going to happen before it happened and I was always right...but I never saw this coming. Four years of lies and deception I had no clue existed.

It's an odd place to be in when you find out. You didn't catch them in the act, you didn't see them do anything, but you hear all these answers to questions no husband ever wants to ask and no husband ever wants to hear the answer to.

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook I think it goes without saying this is not something I've posted nor will I post about, this stays here. There is a sense of anonymity here even amongst those who are "friends".

So what am I going to do?

Well, I'm not giving up and I'm not leaving or that's not the plan anyway. We are going to counseling and that's going well. I can't imagine my life not waking up to my two beautiful boys and my wife. Even through this situation I still love her with all my heart. Sometimes you find someone that you just can't live without. I didn't buy her at Walmart and I can't just take her back in exchange for a newer, better model. So many would jump to the "fuck her leave her" bandwagon and some days I get there too. But I can't do it.

I have to at least say I tried, I gave it my all in the hardest of situations. I know some of you have experienced the same situation, curious of your thoughts, experience, expectations and outcome?

I tell my story here because I don't have many real life friends or friends I can open up to about this. For those regulars who know me I do value your opinions whe it comes to serious life issues. I've seen enough posts here that I know you can actually be human and express feelings an emotions when you know it's serious and I appreciate you all for that.
 
Can't do it bro, she's everything to me and I don't look at her that way. She came clean and told me the truth because she wants to be with me.
 
September 1 I found out this year. The guy no longer works at her office and it's been given up clean. She has been an open book since. He's tried to communicate with her a few times and she's let me know every time it's happened.

We are actually in a good place right now, maybe even better than in the past which is strange. I feel I trust her more, because she can clean and told me the truth. Intimacy has been 100x better because I feel she's into it with me.

Hard to explain or imagine a relationship getting better from this situation but it seems it has. I guess I was looking for or hoping for success stories from similar situations to keep me looking forward. If I'm the first I hope that I can inspire others. Life is hard sometimes and marriage is work. Some people think oh I'm married now time to kick back and put my feet up no more work to be done in this relationship just let it ride.

It doesn't work like that, once you get married the real work begins, then add kids and work and before you know it there's no time for yourself. Marriage takes more work than I ever knew. Open and honest communication is the key. If you feel you have to hide things from your better half then you're doing it wrong.
 
Captain FT said:
September 1 I found out this year. The guy no longer works at her office and it's been given up clean. She has been an open book since. He's tried to communicate with her a few times and she's let me know every time it's happened.

We are actually in a good place right now, maybe even better than in the past which is strange. I feel I trust her more, because she can clean and told me the truth. Intimacy has been 100x better because I feel she's into it with me.

Hard to explain or imagine a relationship getting better from this situation but it seems it has. I guess I was looking for or hoping for success stories from similar situations to keep me looking forward. If I'm the first I hope that I can inspire others. Life is hard sometimes and marriage is work. Some people think oh I'm married now time to kick back and put my feet up no more work to be done in this relationship just let it ride.

It doesn't work like that, once you get married the real work begins, then add kids and work and before you know it there's no time for yourself. Marriage takes more work than I ever knew. Open and honest communication is the key. If you feel you have to hide things from your better half then you're doing it wrong.
Click to expand...

A lot of marriages actually become stronger after infidelity. You have what it takes to make it work.
 
cindylou said:
A lot of marriages actually become stronger after infidelity. You have what it takes to make it work.
Click to expand...


Thanks Cindy I hope so and our counselor thinks so too. Though every time I get the bill from my insurance and it says "Psychotherapy" I'm like really could they pick a better invoice line item?

It has it's good days and bad that's for sure but I think we will come out on top. Some days I can't get the images out of my head. Even though I never saw or witnessed anything I asked a lot of detailed questions and got truthful answers so when my mind wanders and I go to that place it fucking sucks.
 
rainbococksleev said:
How can u not have any idea for 4 years ?

Ps she's cheating on you
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I ask myself that all the time. You think you know someone and you just don't go there. There is also a lot of mental compartmentalizing on her part due to her upbringing and it was no big deal for her to be one way with me and another away from me. Sometimes you don't realize how your upbringing fucked you up until much later in life.
 
Captain FT said:
Thanks Cindy I hope so and our counselor thinks so too. Though every time I get the bill from my insurance and it says "Psychotherapy" I'm like really could they pick a better invoice line item?

It has it's good days and bad that's for sure but I think we will come out on top. Some days I can't get the images out of my head. Even though I never saw or witnessed anything I asked a lot of detailed questions and got truthful answers so when my mind wanders and I go to that place it fucking sucks.
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haha it's okay. There's nothing wrong with some therapy. We aren't young anymore. Sometimes we need help. At least your insurance pays for it!
 
That's true, good for you trying to keep your family together.. Honestly the best thing to do is bang a hotter chick then your wife, then when u think about her cheating u won't even be mad. you'll just think how much u enjoyed that strange piece and you'll be hoping she cheats again so u can hit something else without any guilt... That'll be 2700 I don't take insurance
 
rainbococksleev said:
That's true, good for you trying to keep your family together.. Honestly the best thing to do is bang a hotter chick then your wife, then when u think about her cheating u won't even be mad. you'll just think how much u enjoyed that strange piece and you'll be hoping she cheats again so u can hit something else without any guilt... That'll be 2700 I don't take insurance
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*than
 
I have seen him and met him before at office functions. In a way that's even more frustrating and maybe a double edged sword. On one hand I know I'm much better looking and much better built than he is. On the other hand I'm like wtf this guys got nothing on me how could you. It's not about looks or size it's about fulfilling a need that I wasn't. Trust me bro I'm usually pretty humble and don't pat myself on the back that much but I'm way fucking better looking than him.

And she told me the truth about many things and she said the sex was not fulfilling at least when it comes to physical pleasure. This was all a mental thing I believe.
 
Fuck counselling. Leave her, she will cry and say sorry blah blah blah..fuck I hate cheaters. Sorry to hear this man...bullshit I can't even read this thread, pisses me off.
 
Captain FT said:
I have seen him and met him before at office functions. In a way that's even more frustrating and maybe a double edged sword. On one hand I know I'm much better looking and much better built than he is. On the other hand I'm like wtf this guys got nothing on me how could you. It's not about looks or size it's about fulfilling a need that I wasn't. Trust me bro I'm usually pretty humble and don't pat myself on the back that much but I'm way fucking better looking than him.

And she told me the truth about many things and she said the sex was not fulfilling at least when it comes to physical pleasure. This was all a mental thing I believe.
Click to expand...


Girls that cheat don't give a fuck how big you are, you could be as skinny as plank and still get fucked..that's how it works man. She probably just felt like she was fulfilled in a different way than what you give her, total bullshit man...especially when you have kids.
 
wootoom said:
Girls that cheat don't give a fuck how big you are, you could be as skinny as plank and still get fucked..that's how it works man. She probably just felt like she was fulfilled in a different way than what you give her, total bullshit man...especially when you have kids.
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hell yeah they do

but srsly, almost no women care about how big you are

that's just for you to care about which is how it should be
 
Captain FT said:
I have seen him and met him before at office functions. In a way that's even more frustrating and maybe a double edged sword. On one hand I know I'm much better looking and much better built than he is. On the other hand I'm like wtf this guys got nothing on me how could you. It's not about looks or size it's about fulfilling a need that I wasn't. Trust me bro I'm usually pretty humble and don't pat myself on the back that much but I'm way fucking better looking than him.

And she told me the truth about many things and she said the sex was not fulfilling at least when it comes to physical pleasure. This was all a mental thing I believe.
Click to expand...

You have what it takes. Even if she doesn't..don't lose faith that YOU have it. You will be happy. I am confident in that.
 
Im not justifying ur wife one bit. But you know a little more than most here about my life and you know my position in my own marriage. It's great you can admit you weren't fulfilling certain needs. It helps move things along in the right direction
 
Yeah it's not something anyone should ever have to think about. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My first reaction was like woot and woody's - fuck her, leave her. You feel that way out of anger, the lies, the deception.

But, then you realize this marriage isn't just about me. This is about family, my kids, her sisters, my in-laws, cousins, etc. we have all gotten so close. I have to try and give it my all. When something hard happens in your life or at work you don't just walk away from it and say fuck this I quit. You give it your best with the hopes of succeeding. So many people today quit when it gets hard and I can't do that.
 
Captain FT said:
But, then you realize this marriage isn't just about me. This is about family, my kids, her sisters, my in-laws, cousins, etc. we have all gotten so close. I have to try and give it my all. When something hard happens in your life or at work you don't just walk away from it and say fuck this I quit. You give it your best with the hopes of succeeding. So many people today quit when it gets hard and I can't do that.
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She obviously wasn't thinking about this when she was banging the other guy and for four years..
How can you ever trust her again?
If she wasn't fulfilled she should've came to you instead of crossing the line..
Time heals everything my man
Good luck
 
I know you're right and I think about that too and have moments in my head where I say the same thing - she can fuck right off.

It's hard to explain. It's almost like trying to explain to someone who doesn't have kids what it's like to experience the birth of a child, you just don't get it until it happens to you.

I'm with everyone here when I look at it from an outsiders point of view I'd say gtfo what's wrong with you. I can't explain it though - the thought of not waking up to my boys every morning, not having my wife by my side at night, not making lunches for school. There would be so much MORE pain and hurt by leaving that I have to try and if I give it everything I have and it doesn't feel right to move forward then I can walk away knowing I tried. Because I know if that day comes I would one day being explaining to my sons why mom and dad aren't together anymore and I would want to at least be able to look at them and say I did everything I could to make it work.
 
I agree with this guy^^. Do it for yourself and your kids bro. Your in-laws and extended family don't have to live it every day. I wouldn't consider anyone outside of my kids and myself when making that decision
 
I used to think that doing it for the kids was the right thing to do, fuck that. You need to look after your best interests as well. Being unhappy and being with someone you can't trust ever again will fucking ruin your life. I found a way better woman and my kids love and respect me just the same.
 
Fuk imagine how miserable she would make your life if the situation was reversed and you're just bein nice and sayin fuck it lets just move on fuck that.... One time I found out a girl I was talking to hooked up with some gay while we weren't together and I fucked a girl in the ass and didn't wash my dick, then went and banged previous girl and made sure she sucked my dong and I felt pretty good about myself after that, u should atleast do that
 
wootoom said:
I used to think that doing it for the kids was the right thing to do, fuck that. You need to look after your best interests as well. Being unhappy and being with someone you can't trust ever again will fucking ruin your life. I found a way better woman and my kids love and respect me just the same.
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After she told me the truth Woot in a weird way I trust her more now. It broke down a wall that was building between us so I do trust her, she has been an open book about everything since. I'm not unhappy that's the thing, it's hard and challenging but I'm not unhappy right now, we are in a good place and communicating better since going to counseling.

I think every married couple should go to couples therapy even if you aren't having issues. I wish we did this years ago.
 
That's cool, you have a different mindset than me. I have a hard time forgiving or forgetting..I always bring the past up, that's the way I am. I have a hard time letting things go..so after 4 years of an affair she just wants to tell you and work it out? That's a lot of shit to deal with..wow...I could never handle something like that..
 
You ever think the only reason she came crying back is because the other guy told her to fuck off? Or vice versa..you need to think of these things as well man..
 
I'm getting pissed reading this, I'm gonna go accuse my gf of cheating now because of this thread! Hahaha
 
Captain FT said:
True
Click to expand...


Fuck man, I feel your pain....I've been there...the only difference is, mine cheated and it was just a night and she didn't want to go to counselling. I did. I can see where you're coming from, but an affair for 4 years is crazy! There are so many things that have happened in that time frame..so many things you are going to be like.."oh Ya, so that's where she was that night when she couldn't go for dinner with me."

I swear to god right now if I found out my girl cheated on me or had an affair, she would be out the door. No questions asked. Good luck man, I'm always here if you want to talk. Scary shit man, mine could be having an affair and I wouldn't even know.
 
wootoom said:
I used to think that doing it for the kids was the right thing to do, fuck that. You need to look after your best interests as well. Being unhappy and being with someone you can't trust ever again will fucking ruin your life. I found a way better woman and my kids love and respect me just the same.
Click to expand...

I got full legal and physical custody of my kid. He rarely see's his mom & doesn't seem to care in the slightest. Even moms can be replaced.
 
wootoom said:
Unfilled holes?
Click to expand...
Every person has their reasonings as to why they do what they do. Those who cheat because sex feels good or because they just wanted to try someone new, are the ones I would not trust again, because there is no lack in the relationship that can be fixed. Those who cheat because they feel abandoned by their SO in one way or another I can understand a bit more. Don't get me wrong I do believe that cheating is wrong, but I also do believe someone can cheat on their SO and yet still love their SO very much.
 
nangiggles said:
Every person has their reasonings as to why they do what they do. Those who cheat because sex feels good or because they just wanted to try someone new, are the ones I would not trust again, because there is no lack in the relationship that can be fixed. Those who cheat because they feel abandoned by their SO in one way or another I can understand a bit more. Don't get me wrong I do believe that cheating is wrong, but I also do believe someone can cheat on their SO and yet still love their SO very much.
Click to expand...


You know dick about any of this
 
sexyMFer said:
I agree with this guy^^. Do it for yourself and your kids bro. Your in-laws and extended family don't have to live it every day. I wouldn't consider anyone outside of my kids and myself when making that decision
Click to expand...

I do agree with that. I had to wrestle with a lot of this stuff before.

Also, no one in my family had ever been divorced and a cheating husband was something a woman is sometimes told to tolerate, or wait around for etc etc.

I did hear from my psych that it was normal.

First time I visited my psych she asked about any weird behavior from family members. Any mental illnesses, any black sheep of teh family etc. I told her, "Well, my sister cheated" because I was a noob and as far as I knew cheating was something people did when they were really fucked up! She laughed and told me (I didn't have enough life experience at the time): "cheating is normal. It happens to a lot of people who don't have the skills to stay married a lifetime. It's not something a relationship can't handle if you have the skills to deal with it."

I do believe that's true. Its just that without help, a lot of us either need help trusting, forgiving, dealing with meeting our own needs, or expressing our needs etc. A million reasons someone could turn outside of a relationship and not be a bad person. It's a very adult way to view the world, but as we grow older we realize that the world isn't as black and white as we think when we are kids.
 
miplank said:
she quit her job tho, right?



No way you're cool w/her still working w/this fuck face are you?
Click to expand...


He's no longer there but she said in one of our sessions she would have quit on the spot after this came out. You are right no way I would have been cool with that.
 
cindylou said:
She laughed and told me (I didn't have enough life experience at the time): "cheating is normal. It happens to a lot of people who don't have the skills to stay married a lifetime. It's not something a relationship can't handle if you have the skills to deal with it."
Click to expand...


Your shrink told you that quote, that cheating is normal? I would have sought a new one. Cheating isn't normal, not if you truly love someone and not when you commit to one another in marriage. That's a shitty shrink.
 
Captain FT said:
Your shrink told you that quote, that cheating is normal? I would have sought a new one. Cheating isn't normal, not if you truly love someone and not when you commit to one another in marriage. That's a shitty shrink.
Click to expand...

She meant, it's normal as in it happens to a lot of people. It's not considered a mental disorder. It doesn't make someone a deviant. I had viewed it as something someone did if they were mentally fucked in the head.
 
cindylou said:
She meant, it's normal as in it happens to a lot of people. It's not considered a mental disorder. It doesn't make someone a deviant.
Click to expand...


Depends on what void they are filling, it could be deviant it could be something else but you're right I wouldn't label all cheating as deviant but I wouldn't say it's "normal"
 
I've thought about posting the dudes info on here, name, email, mobile number, his wife's email and name and letting justice be served, but I can't do it. I'm not in the business of ruining someone else's marriage even though they ruined mine.
 
wootoom said:
More common than normal.
Click to expand...

Yeah, common is the word I'm looking for. That is what I meant. She basically told me that it's common and that it happens in over half of marriages and a lot of marriages survive it and come out the other end stronger. Asked me what kind of person I was going to be, someone that let something common destroy me or something that I could handle. People let each other down. That is unfortunately, common.
 
nangiggles said:
Every person has their reasonings as to why they do what they do. Those who cheat because sex feels good or because they just wanted to try someone new, are the ones I would not trust again, because there is no lack in the relationship that can be fixed. Those who cheat because they feel abandoned by their SO in one way or another I can understand a bit more. Don't get me wrong I do believe that cheating is wrong, but I also do believe someone can cheat on their SO and yet still love their SO very much.
Click to expand...


This is bullshit. If you feel abandoned by your SO you talk to them and let them know how you feel.
You don't go fuck someone else..
And to say someone can cheat on their SO while they're in love with their SO is total bullshit.
If this happens that someone is a scumbag.
 
Cali72 said:
This is bullshit. If you feel abandoned by your SO you talk to them and let them know how you feel.
You don't go fuck someone else..
And to say someone can cheat on their SO while they're in love with their SO is total bullshit.
If this happens that someone is a scumbag.
Click to expand...
I love my husband very much, for a reason I don't know yet I can't bring myself to leave him, despite not being happy. I'm not quite saying I cheated on him, I'm saying that if someone came along and made me feel the way I wish HE made me feel it would not be easy to control myself. I've had conversations with him multiple times and his answer is always "take it or leave it". I don't want to take it but I dont want to leave it. Like Cindy said, not all is black and white.
 
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