Cindy I can't stop it, it's what I do. My mind is fucked up, and my wife probably actually loves me for more than the fact that I'm muscular and take 2 hours to bust a nut, but I can't stop this downward spiral anymore. I wanna be alone when I die, it's my punishment for myself. I know none of you ngrs could ever understand me, but I will never stop till I completely destroy myself, it's my destiny, I'm ready to die, I can't explain it I just am. I have never known anyone like me.
As much as I appreciate what Blue said about me (and I sincerely do) I cringed when I read it because I knew the homo and tranny comments would be coming next.
Truth is, I understand much more than you give me credit for. How many people you think I've met who are like me?
I've been married to the wrong woman (thank God no kids). I've been unfaithful and in love with another woman, and felt the guilt and the need to punish myself. I told a beautiful, good woman that I didn't love her any more (over a bowl of Lucky Charms) and watched her fall apart.
I punished myself hard, drank too much, survived a horible drunken car accident that should have killed me (thank God I hit a tree and no one else.) Somehow, I've always been lucky.
Ultimately, I was with the wrong woman; but I also didn't appreciate what I had and completey misjudged how hard it would be to untangle myself from someone I had built my entire life around.
Took more than a year before i felt any joy in my life again. Not long after that, I got a second chance at love and did a much better job this time. I don't feel the need to punish myself any more.
My best advice; throw youself into your current marraige. You have talents, use them to the benefit of the woman who you know loves you. You may find that the life you always wanted is right there under your nose.
If you can't make it work, then you have to go down the painful road.
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