Your advice please

[skittles]

Hi ladies,

The last week of my life would make a good Jerry Springer episode. My boyfriend & I went away for a week (to the place we ment in the first place) I thought that it would be a nice time, but he brought me there to break some news.

He has a son (who is almost 4 year old!!!!) that he just found out about. Apparently he dated a girl for about a month, but nothing came out of it. He said that she went back with her ex-boyfriend & moved away. Now, her & her boyfriend have split & she contacted my boyfriend to tell him she believes he is the dad

She wants my boyfriend to be part of the boy's life now. This would involve her moving back to where we live. She would have no job, no place to live etc etc.. He has a small apartment (1 bedroom) in the basement of his house. He wants to see how I feel about her living in the apartment & the boy living in the spare bedroom.

I am having a hard time dealing with this. I can't understand why anyone would wait all these years to find out who the father of their child was. What if he was ever sick???? Maybe you ladies can help me out here........it really confuses me. I'm trying my hardest not to freak out & jump to any conculsions, but I'm competely lost.

I'm finding it really hard to not act differently towards my boyfriend. I'm really pissed that he took me away from my work, friends, family, EF (lol) to drop this on me. I have been trying to be supportive (it's confusing for him too), but wtf? I'm lost for words........

Please don't think I don't want him to meet his son (I hope everything works out, & he will show him a good life) I'm just freaking about her. I'm probably acting very jealous & immature, but I can't help it. I am absoulety baffled.

I suggested that he should meet them, get to know his son BEFORE I even step into the picture. I don't know if I suggested this because I want time to figure things out, or because I really think that's the best idea. I'm all over the place with my thoughts / feelings.

Does anyone have any realated experiences / advice???? Thanks to anyone who replies

 

[Sassy69]

Wow. And you were looking forward to a nice quiet week in Nova Scotia.

Well, I can't help you with related experience, but you are going to have all sorts of emotions over it. I guess when you have little kids involved you have to let those directly involved figure out the route to take because they will ultimatley be responsible. I imagine your bf is going to look to you for support because he's probably wreeling from this as well. But at the same time, you're going to be trying to help him, but looking out for yourself as well.

You know you're going to get 150% support here in whatever you need as an outlet, discussion, whatever. But probably right now there are a million decisions to be made but no need to make all of them at once. Don't anticipate all the potential problems and let that frazzle you - but I guess just float with it for at least a few days & see where the chips start to fall once the shock has worn off. I always recommend getting the legal stuff and any of that sort of thing squared away if it needs to be done (for one thing ... a paternity test...) before getting shut down by all the other emotions & chaos. Then take things one at a time, don't doubt yourself and don't jump to any conclusions.

I think this is a good time to refer you to the "Raindrop Massage" thread for something for yourself ...

and hang in there hon!

And try to stay on your gym schedule -- it does wonders for stress & quality sleep.

 

[skittles]

Wow. And you were looking forward to a nice quiet week in Nova Scotia.

Well, I can't help you with related experience, but you are going to have all sorts of emotions over it. I guess when you have little kids involved you have to let those directly involved figure out the route to take because they will ultimatley be responsible. I imagine your bf is going to look to you for support because he's probably wreeling from this as well. But at the same time, you're going to be trying to help him, but looking out for yourself as well.

You know you're going to get 150% support here in whatever you need as an outlet, discussion, whatever. But probably right now there are a million decisions to be made but no need to make all of them at once. Don't anticipate all the potential problems and let that frazzle you - but I guess just float with it for at least a few days & see where the chips start to fall once the shock has worn off. I always recommend getting the legal stuff and any of that sort of thing squared away if it needs to be done (for one thing ... a paternity test...) before getting shut down by all the other emotions & chaos. Then take things one at a time, don't doubt yourself and don't jump to any conclusions.

I think this is a good time to refer you to the "Raindrop Massage" thread for something for yourself ...

and hang in there hon!

And try to stay on your gym schedule -- it does wonders for stress & quality sleep.

Thanks Sassy

I'm going to have to look at that massage!

I took 2 days off of the gym (Sat & Sun) I ate my face off & had some wine with the girls. I had to get it out of my system! I think I'll start a daily journal like all you ladies. That way you all can put the whips to me if I slack!!

 

[Sassy69]

 

[*MissFit*]

Hun find out if it is his first.. DNA test immediately

 

[Miss24k]

WOW... that's some news, but I agree with Sassy, don't let it control you, take it 1 day at a time, just go with it and see how it goes. See if it's something you can deal with...

And make that boyfriend get a paternity test...women can be so scandelous sometimes, it took this woman 4 years to let him know he had a son, instead of when she first got pregnant. Definiately make sure it's his.

Be there for your boyfriend cause I'm sure he needs you, but also take sometime for yourself. You can definiately justify getting 1 of those raindrop massages right now, so go for it!

We're here for you Skittles whenever you need to vent... if needed you can always pm me hun

I hope everything works out for you girl.

 

[Gymgurl]

Well......CC has the first thing right....Make sure he finds out if this baby is his FOR CERTIAN! okay so now say it is.........you have to accept this! I know it has to be really hard for both of you, but things happen. I always say it could have been me...so if you chose to remain with him ..you are going to have to let him handle this. But, remeber things happen and he is not moving in with you guys. This is his child who needs to know who is dad is either now or later. Hang in there ! It will be oaky!

 

[velvett]

He has a son (who is almost 4 year old!!!!) that he just found out about. Apparently he dated a girl for about a month, but nothing came out of it. He said that she went back with her ex-boyfriend & moved away. Now, her & her boyfriend have split & she contacted my boyfriend to tell him she believes he is the dad

Get a DNA test, it's that simple. If she was having sex with two men and didn't know then who the "daddy" was well... I won't go there.

She wants my boyfriend to be part of the boy's life now. This would involve her moving back to where we live. She would have no job, no place to live etc etc.. He has a small apartment (1 bedroom) in the basement of his house. He wants to see how I feel about her living in the apartment & the boy living in the spare bedroom.

Oh course she does. Her living with him? Are they both insane?
If the boy is really his then he can visit his father, there's no need for the mother and child to move in with your boyfriend. (Anyone else find this insane or am I really just a cold hearted bitch?)

I am having a hard time dealing with this. I can't understand why anyone would wait all these years to find out who the father of their child was. What if he was ever sick???? Maybe you ladies can help me out here........it really confuses me. I'm trying my hardest not to freak out & jump to any conculsions, but I'm competely lost.

Your response is perfectly normal - it's the mother and your boyfriend that seem to have lost their minds. Take a deep breath - suggest the DNA - do not let this go, if he can't see to do this you'll be doing him a favor.

I'm finding it really hard to not act differently towards my boyfriend. I'm really pissed that he took me away from my work, friends, family, EF (lol) to drop this on me. I have been trying to be supportive (it's confusing for him too), but wtf? I'm lost for words........

I think he meant well, guys think about things differently them women do, or he wanted you to flip out away from home.

Please don't think I don't want him to meet his son (I hope everything works out, & he will show him a good life) I'm just freaking about her. I'm probably acting very jealous & immature, but I can't help it. I am absoulety baffled.

Well, sounds like she looking out after HER best insterest and her son is a potential tool, even in the event that it is your boyfriend's son. (I would be furious that that sort of information was withheld for 4 years.) I'll bite my tongue about the rest that I'm thinking.

I suggested that he should meet them, get to know his son BEFORE I even step into the picture. I don't know if I suggested this because I want time to figure things out, or because I really think that's the best idea. I'm all over the place with my thoughts / feelings.

DNA DNA DNA!!!!!!!!!!!
Before anything.

Does anyone have any realated experiences / advice???? Thanks to anyone who replies

BIG HUG.

 

[*Bunny*]

WOW... that's some news, but I agree with Sassy, don't let it control you, take it 1 day at a time, just go with it and see how it goes. See if it's something you can deal with...

And make that boyfriend get a paternity test...women can be so scandelous sometimes, it took this woman 4 years to let him know he had a son, instead of when she first got pregnant. Definiately make sure it's his.

Be there for your boyfriend cause I'm sure he needs you, but also take sometime for yourself. You can definiately justify getting 1 of those raindrop massages right now, so go for it!

We're here for you Skittles whenever you need to vent... if needed you can always pm me hun

I hope everything works out for you girl.

^^^ goes for me as well

 

[PaganPunkstress]

I have been in that boat before,
its not easy, I know how you feel *big hug*
I agree with the other ladies,
he needs to get a paternity test before he jumps in and lets her live with him.