Raina is absolutely amazing!

[mini_mouse]

You're a smart woman. You aren't stupid. You don't need a lecture. You may appreciate some guidance but YOU are in
control of your life. You get to call the shots. You get to decide what to eat, when to lift, when to do cardio. You get to decide what's best for you. And you'll slip up. We all do. And you get to choose if you want to lay face down on the ground, quit living, and mope about how much life blows sometimes and how weak you feel, or you can get up, brush yourself up, forgive yourself, and move on. That's your call. You can't do it for anyone else. Nobody can make you do it.

You have to come to the point where you're just sick of the BS, sick of the sickness, sick of the lack of energy. Sick of the sore throats, the marks on your hands. Sick of feeling down. Sick of not living your life. Sick of not being in control. Sick of everything. Once you come to that point you choose. You choose to fight your body or fight for it. Neither I nor anyone else can do that for you. You decide to let go to the pro-ed stuff, you decide to withdraw from unhealthy relationships, you choose to start over.

Then you read. You read every fucking thing you can find about what you need to do. You find people who are willing to jump for joy for every moment of progress you make. You need to find people who will listen, who will gently advise, who will give you a loving kick in the ass when you're not doing what you need to do. You look at pictures of healthy women. You realize how hard they work and that you're a whole hell of a lot stronger than you think you are. You find inspiring posts. You print them and read
them until you believe them. You try to accept yourself and realize that nobody is perfect that very few are really content with how they look.

You realize that you aren't other people can don't need to be other people. You are NEVER going to see a # on a scale or slide into a pair of size ABC sized jeans and suddenly find contentment. It's not fucking going to happen. Flat out. The # is NEVER low enough...and the # is not about #'s. The #'s are worthless goals. They mean nothing. They are not about #'s...they are about insecurity. They are about discomfort with who you are or how you feel. Wearing a size 2 doesn't mean that you love yourself and your problems go away.

You're more than a damn number. You can't numerically judge your life. You'll never ever ever ever ever be happy if you judge it like that. You appreciate the little things-- 3 green lights in a row on your morning commute, having someone who loves you next to you when you get up in the morning, having a couple of real friends. You stop noticing those things when the focus is on #'s.

And I'm not recovered and I'm not sure I ever will be. I'm not sure if the feeling of wanting to purge will ever go away. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at total peace with myself. But I'm tired of trashing my body and my life. I'm sick of being sick. I don't want that identity. I want to be strong. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be healthy enough to actually live my life. I want to go out to dinner, eat a damn steak, and not feel guilty. I don't want to waste my money paying for food that I don't let myself digest. I don't want to be a size 2. I want to look healthy. I want a tight tummy. I want to see some muscle on my arms. I want to drop the fat and look like one buff ass powerful healthy woman. And
I don't give a damn if some people aren't attracted to that. I'll
find people who are. I don't want to conform to some unrealistic sickly image and kill myself along the way in hopes of pleasing others and myself. That's BS. I want to be a Katie. I don't need to be anything else." [/B]

Raina, I just wanted to let you know that your words are doing the rounds ... I quoted the above, both in a PM to another 'thin page' regular, and also in a post of mine on the 'safe board' at the thin page . I guess your words just really tapped a nerve for me, I've been thinking hard about them all day. I'm hoping that others are affected by them too. If truth be told, I've been hearing things from a number of people lately that have made me hit the 'pause' button and look around at the mess of my life. Your words compounded those others. Thank you. Even though they weren't to me directly they do seem to have evoked something in me. I hope that this wave of sadness doesn't leave me too soon because it's only feelings like these that can give me an impetus to change. All too often I have felt this way, only to return to that comfortable state of numbness the next day . I have to face the music sometime though, right? We all do. I respect you so much for having faced it and tackled it sooner rather than later. You rock

love mini

 

[velvett]

YEJHAW!


Raina-1 vs. The Past-0


Feels good doesn't it?


YIPPIE!

 

[Raina]

Awww...mini...you made me cry. I'm such a sap.

But I'm not some super hero. I want to make that clear. I haven't done anything that anyone else couldn't do. I have my good days and my bad like we all do. I screw up all the time-- trust me, I fall flat on my face frequently. BUT I get up. I've learned that I have to forgive myself for my mistakes. I'm only human and there's not one of us who is perfect.

I was getting really tired of reading posts on here from people acting like victims. Yes, eds are diseases but unlike many of them...you get a lot of say in how everything turns out. I'm not a victim I'm a survivor-- and that's a way to look at life in general. I wouldn't wish 1 second of the crap I've gone through or put myself through on ANYONE. However I wouldn't trade one moment of it. It's my life. I own it. I own all the feelings involve. I accept my mistakes, smile at my triumphs and ultimately know that I am a stronger woman with more wisdom for having been through the stuggles that I've had.

And I encourage anyone going through this to stop for a second, look at their life, and ask themself how the ed life is working out for them. I dare you to find someone for me who copes with food, whether it be anorexia, bulimia, or overeating, who sucessfully deals with issues in such a counterproductive manner. Stop and be honest with yourself. Sort everything out, write it down, think about it make a decision. And if you aren't willing to take the risk of changing, you're never ever going to live the life you deserve.

 

[OMEGA]

Well thank you. Seriously, I just started writing about ed issues and all of the sudden I'd look up and reread it and think "Holy shit when did I figure all this stuff out about my life". So I was thinking of bikinimom and how she told me to print things that inspired me. Well I inspired me. lol So I saved what I wrote so when I'm having an awful day, I can remember why I choose to fight for me. I just feel like I've found myself in the past couple of months...and I can say that elite has played a roll in that. I view my body in a completely different light now.

I guess my theory is that ultimately you come to a point where you can fight for your body or fight your body. Well, if I look at it honestly, fighting my body has never worked for me. So it's pretty much a waste of time. When I'm sitting around hating myself and engaging in counterproductive activies in hopes of accepting myself, I'm not living my life. I'm existing in a state of self-imposed misery. No event is going to make me accept myself. No weight, no number, no other person. It is MY decision to accept myself, flaws and all.

Yes eds are about control. We want to feel in control. Well, it takes a hell of a lot more control for me to eat a clean diet and kick my ass in the gym day after day than it does to eat 4 tic tacs per week or binge/purge. For anyone who doesn't believe that, I'd encourage them to try it for a while. Not only will you feel better, but you'll see changes in your body that will make you smile every time you look in the mirror. I used to see the waify thin form as some sort of ideal. Well, I've been there and I just about killed myself in the process. So I put myself through that-- and you know what, I felt even worse about myself. Now I see beautiful women on these boards and in my gym and am SO inspired by the hard work and determination it takes for them to have the lean healthy bodies. That's what I want.

If someone is judging their life numerically-- judging themself by a tag on pants of a number on a scale, they're NEVER going to be happy. #'s aren't magic. There isn't one that we can attain and have all of our problems go away. Even with BB and body fat, it's amazing to set healthy/reasonable goals and accomplish them....but it's not some magic event at which time you suddenly love your body and all the BS you've gone through doesn't hurt anymore.

And Wlibbe, I think a better sig for you would be "I can't control what happens in my life but I can completely control how I choose to deal with what those situations". We all have SO much control. When everything falls apart we can sit down, whine about how unfair life can be, hate ourselves, and pout. Or we can think "that sucks, time to move on". That's a choice. People forget that. You can choose to be sick or you can say "I'm fucking sick of this. I want more for myself". It's as simple as that.

And once you hit that point and decide you want more for yourself, you withdraw from unhealthy relationships, surround yourself with supportive people, read as much as you can about what's good for you, and spend every hour choosing to fight. Nobody deserves to settle for the life an eating disorder brings. That doesn't mean that the the old habits disappear, that the thoughts go away, but remember, you have a choice....and you have to make it for yourself. You can't get better for anyone else. You fight because you realize that you want to live the life you deserve.

simply perfect sugar plum!

Raina you are very good person, and it is nice to see people such as you with a propensity for kindenss to persavere over external, and self imposed obtacles.

you do this board a sevice by being present, and you have benffited the lives of other fellow human beings.

and this is a wonderful thing.

your freind Dion


I was thinking on a side note that a post of this caliber should be shared at other sites.

like the thin forum for example.

Raina ......your written words has voice and Heart, and could reach many who are lost, and in need of a helping hand to lift them out of the abyss of despair that they may be in, and that hand is you

 

[Sassy69]

Just goes to show you what we all continue to prove to ourselves every day...

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sometimes we need a little help finding the will, sometimes we need a little help finding the way.

I'm inspired by you girls yet again!

 

[TheProject]

what an awesome, awesome thread...

I got chills...

 

[KEL]

what an awesome, awesome thread...

I got chills...

I got tears...(good ones)

 

[Bikini Mod]

Raina... I only wish that I KNEW what you NOW KNOW - SOONER!

But then again, everything happens for a reason, in its own good time.

When you get "it" is not all that important, I guess.

I look up to you Raina... I honestly do. You are destined for wonderful things.

Once we realize and harness the power that lies within us all... THERE IS NO LIMIT TO WHAT WE CAN ACCOMPLISH!

My sister has been telling me for the past year, "You don't realize just HOW powerful YOU REALLY ARE." It felt good to hear it, but I didn't believe it. I needed to dig deep down and face my demons. I am only just now beginning to scratch the surface of the power that lies within me... I never lost it. It was there all along; lying dormant, waiting to be nutured and to be given the chance to thrive.

YOU ALL HAVE IT - DO NOT BE AFRAID!

 

[KBgrl]

bump for a "silent reader" ...

I wish you would post but emails are cool too

 

[wlibbe]

Raina has truly inspired to me to change and I owe her so much. I thank God that KBGrl told me to PM Raina to talk about all this. Best decision I have made in a long time...