New reality...HRT...being married,,sex,etc.

[trex74]

I look at it this way...either she is going to have an "epiphany" and realize that she has almost f*cked up the best thing that has ever happened to her and get her mind straight on reality or...she will blow up and meltdown ultimately ending up on the streets or in a mental institution.

.....She on the other hand has a violent temper and will on occasion throw things while she is screaming and yelling...she squeezed her finger nails into my right arm over the weekend and brought blood.

.

So basically you are responsible for her happiness or else?
You have the right to live your life without having to put up with bad behaviour.
You deserve to live without the fear/threat of her emotional attacks/outbursts.
You can't control her, or what she does, but you can control what you will or will not allow in your life.
She needs to see a counselor/psychologist/mental health professional.
Is your wife overly dependent on you?

Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM

You definitely deserve a break, you've been through a lot.

 

[straitedge52]

So basically you are responsible for her happiness or else?
You have the right to live your life without having to put up with bad behaviour.
You deserve to live without the fear/threat of her emotional attacks/outbursts.
You can't control her, or what she does, but you can control what you will or will not allow in your life.
She needs to see a counselor/psychologist/mental health professional.
Is your wife overly dependent on you?

Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM

You definitely deserve a break, you've been through a lot.

Thank You so much for this...there are several topics in this article that nail this situation. I will study this with great interest and absorption. Obviously you are an extremely cerebral individual.

 

[nangiggles]

Wow... quick question... what does she want to do, did she ask for forgiveness once she got busted? as per what you told she doesnt really seem to have any remorse.... you mentioned ur gonna set mandatory couple's counseling, I hope im wrong but it seems like you're the only one paddling in that boat man, doesnt seem like she wants to do much of an effort and when u ask her to she said it would take a long time to "warm up to you" what the hell is that?

 

[straitedge52]

Wow... quick question... what does she want to do, did she ask for forgiveness once she got busted? as per what you told she doesnt really seem to have any remorse.... you mentioned ur gonna set mandatory couple's counseling, I hope im wrong but it seems like you're the only one paddling in that boat man, doesnt seem like she wants to do much of an effort and when u ask her to she said it would take a long time to "warm up to you" what the hell is that?

These are all excellent questions that I have asked...but so far....have gotten evasive answers.

On the forgiveness question...she went into a litany of shit that basically defended the whole thing as a mis-understanding on my part. It wasn't until I produced the hard evidence that she shut down and went into a shell. So far...at no point, has she admitted that this was a planed event. She just sort of played follow the leader with this guy and went merrily along. Even after the evidence was presented...she didn't admit to going to his hotel...just to the restaurant and in her car. When I asked her about a certain thing that allegedly happened...she said that was on the elevator with others. I then asked why she would be on an elevator when the restaurant was a single story building?...then the house of cards started crumbling. She also kept telling me what a nice "Christian" man he was and I reminded her that he was trying to get into my wifes pants which ain't Christian !!!

At this point I am just tip toeing through a mine field getting her to realize how dicked up this whole thing is. I honestly think that she thought she could "out dumb" me on this and she is in a state of shock that it didn't work out.

As far as the warming up part goes...I'm about ready to start pushing that issue hard and see where we end up. I'm getting backed up and need some relief. I woke up with a raging "Blue Viener" this AM and poked her with it thinking that 9" of long and hard would get some action...but not this time...maybe tonight. I think a long slow steamy session might turn the tide on this....at least I'm hoping.

I'm beginning to think that there is some sort of underground sub-culture of chat rooms or something that attract these crack pots...I don't know.

 

[lander2312]

OK there are some many things about this that are messed up. One thing that I dont get is you mentioned the guy she met offered her money because he was use to having to pay for it. Now you still keep pushing the issue to have sex with her too....man are you nuts???...no way i would have sex with her unprotected till after she took a test....there is some bad shit like aids out there that will kill you, and if he pays hookers for sex then he is in a much higher risk population. Two immediate rules for her....
1) mandatory std/HIV test
2) No more internet chatting....it already lead to trouble why push it. If she wont comply with both of them...which are reasonable requests then get out while you can....divorce isnt nearly as bad as living with this for the rest of your life.

 

[straitedge52]

OK there are some many things about this that are messed up. One thing that I dont get is you mentioned the guy she met offered her money because he was use to having to pay for it. Now you still keep pushing the issue to have sex with her too....man are you nuts???...no way i would have sex with her unprotected till after she took a test....there is some bad shit like aids out there that will kill you, and if he pays hookers for sex then he is in a much higher risk population. Two immediate rules for her....
1) mandatory std/HIV test
2) No more internet chatting....it already lead to trouble why push it. If she wont comply with both of them...which are reasonable requests then get out while you can....divorce isnt nearly as bad as living with this for the rest of your life.

I hear you. This how it was presented earlier.."As far as the money is concerned...I don't think she was expecting that...honestly I think that is part of the MO of this guy because he is accustomed to paying." I told her that the reason he offered money was because he was used to paying. I also think that the money thing gets to be a manipulation hook.

I do not dis-agree with what you are saying....you make some valid points.

BTW...WTF is the deal with all of this erotic internet chat business anyway? Are there fuckers lurking around that get off on this?

 

[DJ_UFO]

IMHO, that is an immediate termination of marriage. Period. That shit CANNOT, and I repeat, CANNOT be repaired over time. I would hire a divorce lawyer, and of course contact the dude's wife and make the shit public. You have everything to gain, in order to make justice for your honor and loyalty.

 

[straitedge52]

I would like to thank each everyone of the responders to this thread. This has become one of the most trying and frustrating things I have ever been through...but it has also been a learning experience.

Special thanks to trex 74 for this link: Eliminating Overdependence | LIVESTRONG.COM.

This article does a very good job in helping us evaluate ourselves and those around us as it relates to over dependence and under dependence.

I have also discovered a sub culture of online erotic chat activities that I never knew existed. These chat areas become a breeding ground for those that prey on persons suffering from over dependence and under dependence.

As I study this phenomenon and how it has affected my situation I will share it on this thread,

Stay tuned...

 

[grubd]

Why are you trying to have sex with her after all this, if you guys don't even get it on much? Sex isn't going to save the marriage, it seems like you're a one man band trying to and she doesn't care in the least.

 

[nangiggles]

There are thousands of sites to get all kinds of shit on, sex'cyber chat, webcam sex chat, bdsm(collarme.com) adultfriendfinder to find fuck buddies, there is all sorts of stuff out there, if she wants to get her hands on it she will....
I am NOBODY to discuss this situation since I am only a person who read your story, but I MUST say it sounds like you are alone on this one, I have tended to couples in counseling and the key factor is that they have to be in the same boat which doesnt seem to be your case, do try counseling but if your counselor feels the same way I dont think there is much to do.... just stop and think about it:

- She lied to you
- you caught her and she denied it
- you showed FACTS and she tried to turn it into how this wonderful christian man "tricked me (it seems she still has a good impression of him which means she does NOT feel deceived by him)
- after being caught she shows no remorse
- despite YOU forgiving her (when apparently she didnt even ask you to...) she still wont admit she did something wrong
- despite you wanting to stick around and make things work she gives u a bad forecast saying it's gonna take time to warm up to you

Seriously, I see not only 0 cooperation but also 0 desire to cooperate.... I encourage you to take these points as I have placed here and talk to her about it, ask her what she wants, ask her if she regrets it, if she wants to stay together, why does she think you are so appart and what does she think you can do to help "heal" the relationship

Above all always remember that when having a discussion about a sensitive issue NEVER start the frase with "you" like you did this and you did that, try something like :when you do this I feel such and such way" otherwise she's gonna shell up again, try to find out why she is shelling up, isnt because she's embarrased, because she doesnt feel she did something wrong, she doesnt care, she's guilty or she just doesnt want to fix it anymore....

Good luck....