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A little long. Some of the paragraphs are self-contained
Well,
After my counseling session on Wednesday, the counselor said that I needed to let her go. I explained to her that I can do that if I knew for sure where the wifes mindset was at. She told me that the wife did agree to the initial 6 months of counseling/evaluation to make this work. Of course the wife still is hearing what she wants to hear at this point and the counselor said that even she has to take what the wife says with some skepticism. She explained to me that the way the wife is now emotionally (all mixed up) and her feeling like she has absolutely no feelings for me any more is very normal and typical. She told me she explained to the wife that those feelings will (not might may, but will) start to come back as she see's me changing into a better person.
She also warned me to be prepared for her to still be seeing this guy despite telling me she hand no intentions of seeing him again and if this doesn't work and he is there then he is there. It is here safety net. That way if she doesn't develop the feelings again or I lose mine and we decide to make it permanent she will have a fall back plan to ease her "suffering". But as the counselor explained to her, even though her intentions are to not see him again, she is already setting her self up for failure (self fullfilling prophecy) between her and I unless she physically tells him it is over. That way she will also know for sure in her mind.
I told the wife I believe her when she tells me she will not see him again and I struggle with that every day and night to keep that promise to her, but it is hard. But she also knows that I will not be able to be completely at peace with this outcome whichever way it goes if she doesn't break it off with words to the person.
So are committment for 6 months is to do everything asked of us and more to make this work out. That includes being consistant with everything we do with each other and the kids (being on time, same meeting place and time every week to discuss kids, same family day every week same time, same day) to not go out to meet the opposite either on purpose or by accident, to remain celibate during this period including between each other (as if that would happen at this point) not to sleep with her dude on the side (she would then be lying as well as cheating which the counselor said she has deep rooted Christian values, but becuase of her weak personality she can't enforce them. this would just cause her more guilt, stress, anxiety, etc and she will not become the person she says she wants to be)
However, I know her friend has a controlling personality similar to mine, but much more devious. She gave a cell phone (wonder why the wife suddenly needs a cell phone?)
I spent all night up struggling with some pretty evil thoughts and trying to remain honest and sincere in my heart, free of jealousy, rage, anger, hate, etc. Because if I don't have a clean heart, God won't hear my prayers.
But, since she has alrady violated the first day of the period, by not calling me like we agreed when she was leaving from her friends house to come home in the morning, I already find it hard to keep my word to her about trust. Plus, she got really tweaked when we came up with the schedule for sharing the house and seeing the kids. She gets to go out Friday night to her friends house to do whatever and has to be home by 12 noon on Saturday. She is supposed to call at 11:30 to tell me she is on her way. But on Saturday she has the kids all day and night and got bent out of shape when I reminded her that the nights we have the kids we to stay home with them not to take them somewhere or get babysitter and go out, etc. She was like what I can't go do anything? I said, no, if you want to go out for a few hous once in a while that is fine, but we are not supposed to do that. She was like I am gonna do what I want any way. She has assumed this new living arrangement is a pass to play.
So, I am going to throw it back in her court today, her last kid leaves at 4pm so she asked me to just come over at 4 while she gets ready so she can get into town before "traffic" is bad. Problem is, she is just way to enthusiastic about the whole thing to be truly suffering with this as she claim. She knows the rules and what she needs to do and is supposed to do. We are not supposed to see each other at all except for family day and the two hour personal time.
So, I am not going to come over at 4. I will be there between 3 and 4 while she is picking up the kids from school. I will get the mail, set up her new crock drinking water thing and then scoot before she gets back. I will leave her the Jeep in the driveway since she wants to use it tonight. I will then return afte she leaves.
I am also going to tell her that I am getting a baby sitter and going out tonight and I don't know when I will be back. And that I am going to do nothing more and nothing less than what she is going to do tonight. It may not phase her at all. I don't know. All I know is, if she is lying to me, the counselor, God and herself, I will without warning put her on the street with the clothes on her back and a tank of gas. Right now, she is getting her cake and eating it too. No real consequences for bad decision making. She will not be allowed to inform the parents of the kids she watches, I will tell them why she is no longer there (she is cheating on me) She will be cut off from the bank account, taken off of car insurance for the truck (Jeep is mine, just in her name for loan) etc. I don't care what time of day or night it is.
Also, I have thought about giving her the choice at some point.
1. Break it off now in front of me on the phone stop going out and partying and start following the counserlor's instructions or
2. Leave now with just the clothes on your back and the money in your purse. You do not get the kids, anything in the house, etc. Off the insurance and more.
She won't make the decision cause she thinks it will be made for her. She is right. I would move heaven and hell suffer through anything to repair our marriage and have back home, but I will not be played for a fool. I want to become a better person and cannot do this with the other half stringing me along with a half hearted effort.
She is stubborn and may pick 2. Oh well, grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I can't last too many more nights praying as hard as I have been with no sleep to remain true to my promise when that trust is litterally thrown to the ground in front of me like I am some kind of idiot.
Well,
After my counseling session on Wednesday, the counselor said that I needed to let her go. I explained to her that I can do that if I knew for sure where the wifes mindset was at. She told me that the wife did agree to the initial 6 months of counseling/evaluation to make this work. Of course the wife still is hearing what she wants to hear at this point and the counselor said that even she has to take what the wife says with some skepticism. She explained to me that the way the wife is now emotionally (all mixed up) and her feeling like she has absolutely no feelings for me any more is very normal and typical. She told me she explained to the wife that those feelings will (not might may, but will) start to come back as she see's me changing into a better person.
She also warned me to be prepared for her to still be seeing this guy despite telling me she hand no intentions of seeing him again and if this doesn't work and he is there then he is there. It is here safety net. That way if she doesn't develop the feelings again or I lose mine and we decide to make it permanent she will have a fall back plan to ease her "suffering". But as the counselor explained to her, even though her intentions are to not see him again, she is already setting her self up for failure (self fullfilling prophecy) between her and I unless she physically tells him it is over. That way she will also know for sure in her mind.
I told the wife I believe her when she tells me she will not see him again and I struggle with that every day and night to keep that promise to her, but it is hard. But she also knows that I will not be able to be completely at peace with this outcome whichever way it goes if she doesn't break it off with words to the person.
So are committment for 6 months is to do everything asked of us and more to make this work out. That includes being consistant with everything we do with each other and the kids (being on time, same meeting place and time every week to discuss kids, same family day every week same time, same day) to not go out to meet the opposite either on purpose or by accident, to remain celibate during this period including between each other (as if that would happen at this point) not to sleep with her dude on the side (she would then be lying as well as cheating which the counselor said she has deep rooted Christian values, but becuase of her weak personality she can't enforce them. this would just cause her more guilt, stress, anxiety, etc and she will not become the person she says she wants to be)
However, I know her friend has a controlling personality similar to mine, but much more devious. She gave a cell phone (wonder why the wife suddenly needs a cell phone?)
I spent all night up struggling with some pretty evil thoughts and trying to remain honest and sincere in my heart, free of jealousy, rage, anger, hate, etc. Because if I don't have a clean heart, God won't hear my prayers.
But, since she has alrady violated the first day of the period, by not calling me like we agreed when she was leaving from her friends house to come home in the morning, I already find it hard to keep my word to her about trust. Plus, she got really tweaked when we came up with the schedule for sharing the house and seeing the kids. She gets to go out Friday night to her friends house to do whatever and has to be home by 12 noon on Saturday. She is supposed to call at 11:30 to tell me she is on her way. But on Saturday she has the kids all day and night and got bent out of shape when I reminded her that the nights we have the kids we to stay home with them not to take them somewhere or get babysitter and go out, etc. She was like what I can't go do anything? I said, no, if you want to go out for a few hous once in a while that is fine, but we are not supposed to do that. She was like I am gonna do what I want any way. She has assumed this new living arrangement is a pass to play.
So, I am going to throw it back in her court today, her last kid leaves at 4pm so she asked me to just come over at 4 while she gets ready so she can get into town before "traffic" is bad. Problem is, she is just way to enthusiastic about the whole thing to be truly suffering with this as she claim. She knows the rules and what she needs to do and is supposed to do. We are not supposed to see each other at all except for family day and the two hour personal time.
So, I am not going to come over at 4. I will be there between 3 and 4 while she is picking up the kids from school. I will get the mail, set up her new crock drinking water thing and then scoot before she gets back. I will leave her the Jeep in the driveway since she wants to use it tonight. I will then return afte she leaves.
I am also going to tell her that I am getting a baby sitter and going out tonight and I don't know when I will be back. And that I am going to do nothing more and nothing less than what she is going to do tonight. It may not phase her at all. I don't know. All I know is, if she is lying to me, the counselor, God and herself, I will without warning put her on the street with the clothes on her back and a tank of gas. Right now, she is getting her cake and eating it too. No real consequences for bad decision making. She will not be allowed to inform the parents of the kids she watches, I will tell them why she is no longer there (she is cheating on me) She will be cut off from the bank account, taken off of car insurance for the truck (Jeep is mine, just in her name for loan) etc. I don't care what time of day or night it is.
Also, I have thought about giving her the choice at some point.
1. Break it off now in front of me on the phone stop going out and partying and start following the counserlor's instructions or
2. Leave now with just the clothes on your back and the money in your purse. You do not get the kids, anything in the house, etc. Off the insurance and more.
She won't make the decision cause she thinks it will be made for her. She is right. I would move heaven and hell suffer through anything to repair our marriage and have back home, but I will not be played for a fool. I want to become a better person and cannot do this with the other half stringing me along with a half hearted effort.
She is stubborn and may pick 2. Oh well, grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I can't last too many more nights praying as hard as I have been with no sleep to remain true to my promise when that trust is litterally thrown to the ground in front of me like I am some kind of idiot.
