I am the worlds biggest jerk right now!!!!!

[Dakotah]

Ok honestly I will put it out there like this- I have been doing really good with my diet up until I decided to get totally smashed at work last friday and then have a few drinks last night on a completly empty stomach - i didnt get ripped but i was feeling it when i came home last night and was being a jerk to my sweetheart - I said some really retarded things and honestly I just feel like the worlds biggest jerk and was feeling really sorry for myself for a bit there last night

the thing is that I made a promise to him at the beginning of this week that I wouldnt drink this week because of what happened last friday. I was sooooo drunk then I should have been in the hosp.
Last night Devastation said he didnt trust me anymore because I have screwed up more times than this and i always apologize and move on.
I couldnt sleep hardly last night and this morning either. Im GUILTY as hell for being a jerk and thinking of myself. I have no excuses for acting up and now im really unsure if I deserve anyone who has been so good to me like he has.

what do I do? How do I turn myself around and attempt to make things right? I want him more than I want anything and I really dont want to lose him but I feel like I have. When he told me he doesnt trust me anymore it hit me like a brick wall HARD!!!!! What do I do to show him? Is there any way I can change it?

 

[Gymgurl]

Hey D....maybe you should stop drinking all toghether since it is causing you guys some problems....is it worth it to keep drinking? if it is you might have a problem and I don't mean that the wrong way!

 

[Daisy_Girl]

Maybe you need to get some help - I mean psychological or AA or something .....

I know you have been through a lot in your life, and you seem to have an addictive personality - if you aren't already talking to someone about these issues, I think you should look into it.

Sending some HUGS your way .....

 

[Bikini Mod]

If he's a good man who loves you for YOU then do whatever you need to do in order to love yourself so that he can love you fully....

Go to AA or seek other help. I sense that your man will support you 100%.

 

[Dakotah]

Im such a jerk and think i really screwed myslef this time


you are right i have an addictive personality and I even have my dad very sick right now from alcohol and has a non functioning liver now and possibly wont make it another year. I will do whatever it takes to keep him!!!
I have come a long way since i have been with him - its just that when i dance i have friends who drink also i have a drink to put up with the jerks - i know i know excuses again but it is very true - when i dont work i have no desire to touch alcohol at all. Its only when i work

I know im not stupid or immature i just have to deal with some bs and get on with life - I know all these things and still choose to act at certain moments in my favor

 

[jenscats5]

Maybe you need to get some help - I mean psychological or AA or something .....

I know you have been through a lot in your life, and you seem to have an addictive personality - if you aren't already talking to someone about these issues, I think you should look into it.

Sending some HUGS your way .....

I agree with DG.... Big hugs too girlie!

Is there another job you can do other than dancing that would get you away from the alcohol environment?? Since you 1) have a family history of alcoholism 2) have an addictive personality and 3) are in an environment often that encourages drinking ---> those 3 set you up for failure every time. Based on your mental character/brain chemistry -- you may not be able to avoid alcohol, so you might have to just avoid any situation that puts you around it. It's not that your weak or have no willpower -- your brain chemistry is messed up.

The BIGGEST thing you have going for you is that you RECOGNIZE you have an issue!!!! That is a HUGE step in the right direction -- it's up to you to keep going in the direction you want to....Good luck!!

 

[Dakotah]

Thank you ladies all very good advice and believe me i do not plan to let anything get in the way of my happiness with this man.

When he got up this morning I had given him a personally done sorry card i made with colors and then i sent him a pm telling him i was sorry and of course other things as well. he has forgiven me but now comes the part where i need to get myself set straight - I have before come out of a addictive situation actually a few and i didnt get help doing it i quit on my own and i know i can do this - i just needed a awakening and that i got last night.

thank you ladies for taking the time to read my long posts

hugs to you all

 

[Sassy69]

GIGANTIC HUGS & GOOD KARMA YOUR WAY D! Sometimes we are our own biggest challenges and it takes strong desire & strong support to get there! You've got both!

 

[Bikini Mod]

I thought you quit dancing several months back?

 

[*Bunny*]

I agree with DG.... Big hugs too girlie!

Is there another job you can do other than dancing that would get you away from the alcohol environment?? Since you 1) have a family history of alcoholism 2) have an addictive personality and 3) are in an environment often that encourages drinking ---> those 3 set you up for failure every time. Based on your mental character/brain chemistry -- you may not be able to avoid alcohol, so you might have to just avoid any situation that puts you around it. It's not that your weak or have no willpower -- your brain chemistry is messed up.

The BIGGEST thing you have going for you is that you RECOGNIZE you have an issue!!!! That is a HUGE step in the right direction -- it's up to you to keep going in the direction you want to....Good luck!!

^^^^ i couldn't have said it better myself , esp when my best friend went through something VERY similar....