Raina said:
We were getting in really ugly fights a while back-- really stupid fights about nothing where we both got very upset but it was over other issues. It was very counter-productive. We were both concerned about it because we didn't want our lives to be like that. We ended up getting some counselling to help us better deal with fighting fair.
Now we'll still have our moments and little spats but we're both MUCH quicker to say "I'm sorry I snapped". It's amazing how often fights happen and the subject being fought about has nothing to do with anything. I think sometimes you just need 15 minutes to settle down and think about if things are even worth fighting about.
for some reason i could not browse down to your
question; however-
i am very familiar with our service members
(family members and such)
and i read this and it helped me.. check it ?
11/16/04
RELATIONSHIP COACH NEWSLETTER(TM), #173
Service of WhatItTakes.com Love Education & Coaching
and Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries
Real Help for Singles, Dating, in Relationship,
Engaged & Married People!
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Hello
Relationship Coach Newsletter is sent out weekly at your
request. Welcome to this week's issue!
1. News, How To Manage Your Subscription, Customer Comment,
Article Synopsis
2. Singles/Early Dating Help Center Article - It's Not Your Job
3. Help for Your Love Life: Resources & eClasses
4. Relationship/Marriage Help Center Article - 11 Rules of
Good Communication - don't miss this one!
5. Copyright Info
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1. News, How To Manage Your Subscription, Customer Comment,
Article Synopsis
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News
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Article Synopsis
>>>>>
In today's Singles/Early Dating Help Center Article:
Is it your job to change your new partner - and what are
the repercussions if you try?
In today's Relationship/Marriage Help Center Article:
Do you know the 11 essential rules of good communication?
Enjoy!
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
http://www.WhatItTakes.com
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2. Singles/Early Dating Help Center Article - It's Not Your Job
____________________________________________________
>>>>>
If today's article hits home for you, check out today's
featured eclass at the end of the article.
>>>>>
Recently I was reading an email from an eClass student who was
describing her new relationship. She said she was the "couple's
psychologist" and that she was trying really hard to make this
work. This article is a gift to her and everyone else who is in
the same position in their new relationship.
It's not your job to figure out how to fix your new partner so
that you can have the relationship you have always wanted. Even
if you are really good at figuring out what your new partner
needs to work on, it's unlikely your partner will make these
changes for the sake of the relationship.
People make permanent changes for their own sake, not for a
loved one's sake - that's just how human nature works. For
example, you can't get an addict to quit an addiction for his
or her relationship - only for the sake of his or her own life.
People will sometimes try to make changes just because it will
please the other person, but the changes usually don't stick.
If you and your new partner like each other, and maybe are
beginning to fall in love, but keep running into problems and
issues, get outside support - a therapist or a coach, a book
or an eclass. If one thing doesn't work, try another.
The longer you keep trying to problem-solve and fix your
relationship yourself the more heartache you are likely to feel
later on, when you still have to get outside help to make your
relationship work. The more mature your relationship gets, the
harder the two of you will have to work to change it.
If your new partner values the relationship and his or her
growth, bringing needed changes to light is all you can do.
Whether the changes are made or not is up to your new partner
and whomever he or she chooses to support the changes.
It's not your job to save, revamp, or dry out your new partner,
or to put up with his or her bad stuff - in other words, to fix
your new partner. This is hard to resist, especially if you are
good at seeing what needs to be changed. But if you value the
relationship and want it to last, you will reach for help
instead of trying to be the help yourself.
How about saving yourself the headache of ending up with
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you want, who may not want to grow and change?
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3. Help for Your Love Life: Resources & eClasses
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____________________________________________________
4. Relationship/Marriage Help Center Article - 11 Rules of
Good Communication
____________________________________________________
>>>>>
Today's article is an excerpt out of lesson 1 of the Rebuilding
Love eClass. Check the eclass out at the end of article.
>>>>>
Here are the basic rules of good communication:
1. The speaker can say what he or she thinks needs to be said,
except for derogatory statements, make-wrongs, shaming words,
blaming words, globalizing words. Nothing to inflame the
conversation. Just facts, feelings and thoughts, true and honest.
2. The listener listens to what is being said, fully - even
when having a reaction. Breathing through the reactions, giving
the speaker the respect of being listened to.
3. When the speaker is done, the listener will reflect back
to the speaker a summarized version of what the speaker said, to
make sure the speaker is fully understood.
4. The speaker will take this opportunity to further clarify
what he or she said and meant to say and the conversation
goal(s).
5. If the speaker provided new information, the listener will
come back with a summarized version of what the speaker said,
to make sure the speaker is fully understood.
6. Now the listener gets to switch roles with the speaker. The
new speaker now speaks freely, truly and honestly, but
carefully.
7. The new listener gets to listen fully and later summarize
what the speaker said and so on.
8. Take turns until both of you feel resolved about the topic
of the original conversation. Don't end the conversation until
both of you feel resolved - don't give up on what you want,
need, feel, etc.
9. If tempers do flare, voices get raised, things are said
that should not be said, take a break.
10. Later, when both of you are cooled off, apologize to each
other.
11. If need be, schedule a time to have this conversation again,
and work through the steps again to resolution.
Did You Like Today's Article? If you did, today's featured
eclass will help you learn more about excellent, love-giving,
problem-resolving communication:
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both the love you want and need, for keeps.
Enroll to learn how to create or recreate more love, intimacy
and passion in your relationship.
Enroll and get more info at
>>>>>
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