Help: Wife has no desire for sex

[cyrex]

Ok so here's the story:
I've been with my wife since our Junior year in high school (we are now 24). She has never had any desire for sex. It doesn't feel good to her at all and when we do it, it's mostly just because she knows I like it and is obliging. She has never really had an orgasm (from what she can remember) and cannot have one when she masturbates (which only happens once a month or so). Masturbation does help her to relax and fall asleep though, but she can only do it laying face down on a bed.

Sometimes she does enjoy oral sex when she is really in the mood, but it usually only lasts for about 2-3 minutes until she gets to a point where "it starts to feel good and then just stops". For her to get 'in the mood' she typically needs some alcohol and even then she has difficulties concentrating and not talking about what she is planning on doing at work in 2 weeks.

It may sound cliche or typical but I've been extremely patient, willing to try and do anything and everything to help her/us with this problem, but absolutely nothing has worked. She has no religious qualms about sex and was not molested as a child or anything.

We've tried many different topical products, sex toys, techniques, etc. but nothing has worked.

I've asked her to go to therapy in the past and she has gone for 1 session on 2 occasions where she fills out a form and has bad experiences where when she brings something up either the therapist mentioned going to church or some other odd thing (I don't remember off hand it was a few years ago).

She says she doesn't know what to say or ask if she goes or how to find a place to go to.

I would like to do one or more of the following:
1) Try anything new anyone might suggest
2) Go to couples therapy and see if we can't make progress there
3) Help her find a sex therapist (how do we go about doing that?)


If anyone has any advice, please help.

Thanks

 

[SlimJim52]

2 glasses of wine and some type of romantic setting. No more no less. My wife will shun me sober, and then if she has more than 2, she gets stupid sexy and passes out.

Find out what turns her on. Gotz to be something.

 

[Longhorn85]

Ok so here's the story:
I've been with my wife since our Junior year in high school (we are now 24). She has never had any desire for sex. It doesn't feel good to her at all and when we do it, it's mostly just because she knows I like it and is obliging. She has never really had an orgasm (from what she can remember) and cannot have one when she masturbates (which only happens once a month or so). Masturbation does help her to relax and fall asleep though, but she can only do it laying face down on a bed.

Sometimes she does enjoy oral sex when she is really in the mood, but it usually only lasts for about 2-3 minutes until she gets to a point where "it starts to feel good and then just stops". For her to get 'in the mood' she typically needs some alcohol and even then she has difficulties concentrating and not talking about what she is planning on doing at work in 2 weeks.

It may sound cliche or typical but I've been extremely patient, willing to try and do anything and everything to help her/us with this problem, but absolutely nothing has worked. She has no religious qualms about sex and was not molested as a child or anything.

We've tried many different topical products, sex toys, techniques, etc. but nothing has worked.

I've asked her to go to therapy in the past and she has gone for 1 session on 2 occasions where she fills out a form and has bad experiences where when she brings something up either the therapist mentioned going to church or some other odd thing (I don't remember off hand it was a few years ago).

She says she doesn't know what to say or ask if she goes or how to find a place to go to.

I would like to do one or more of the following:
1) Try anything new anyone might suggest
2) Go to couples therapy and see if we can't make progress there
3) Help her find a sex therapist (how do we go about doing that?)


If anyone has any advice, please help.

Thanks

Would she have a problem with you getting a girlfriend? Seriously. I think the acceptance of mistresses in days past is one reason families stayed together.

 

[bluetwistedsteel67]

It could be that she's just too stressed and wound too tight. Stress is by far the biggest libido killer for women, there isn't even a close second. My advice, get her away for a vacation where she can relax. Then, and this is critical, don't try climbing on her the first night away. Maybe give her a massage, treat her nice, do some things she enjoys (if she likes to dance, take her dancing etc) and just hang out without her feeling any pressure. If she thinks the only reason you took her away was to get her in the mood for sex the whole thing isn't going to work. All of this is going to hopefully get her to relax and if that happens I'll bet she perks up. Women are not by nature frigid, some just need you to cultivate their desire a little bit. Go slow, make her want you, and show her that sex is supposed to be fun not stressful or goal (orgasm) oriented. Then post pics.

 

[Gymgurl]

Therapy may be good...sounds like she is holding back for some reason....she should also get her hormones tested if it truely lack of desire....experiment with different things......together...

 

[cyrex]

It could be that she's just too stressed and wound too tight. Stress is by far the biggest libido killer for women, there isn't even a close second. My advice, get her away for a vacation where she can relax. Then, and this is critical, don't try climbing on her the first night away. Maybe give her a massage, treat her nice, do some things she enjoys (if she likes to dance, take her dancing etc) and just hang out without her feeling any pressure. If she thinks the only reason you took her away was to get her in the mood for sex the whole thing isn't going to work. All of this is going to hopefully get her to relax and if that happens I'll bet she perks up. Women are not by nature frigid, some just need you to cultivate their desire a little bit. Go slow, make her want you, and show her that sex is supposed to be fun not stressful or goal (orgasm) oriented. Then post pics.

Great advice, but this is all stuff I've done (and continue to do). This isn't just something that has come up where she has lost her libido, she has never had it for the 7+ years we've been together.

 

[bluetwistedsteel67]

I'd take gymgurls advice and look into therapy. Maybe there was something in her past that was traumatic enough to have long lasting effects.

 

[jenscats5]

I would say a full physical workup (blood work, etc) + therapy is in order....

No desire for sex is not normal and it sounds to me based on what you posted that there may be some "mental" issue here....To a lot of women, sex is in their head - that is, a lot of mental stuff can get in the way of a fulfilling sex life and pleasure for women is mental based a lot of the time....

 

[cyrex]

Any advice on what steps to take first to do this? She will definately not make the first appointment, but I'm sure she would go if I was the one that took the time to research and make the appointment. (I'll offer to go with her if she would like also)

We don't have a family doctor yet (We have only been in Nashville for a year and a half or so). So should we go to a family doctor type place first and ask for a referal or what?

 

[cyrex]

So I've donated 100 karma hits for a good suggestion on what steps to take. I'm gonna award the karma on Wednesday. So far jenscats5 is in the lead

 

[carlsuen]

more on the immediate things u can do is.. like what bluestwistedsteel67 said.. u have to draw the desire out of her.. find out what makes her exited.. what turns her on.. study her pattern of life.. what she likes.. what she doesn't like.. y she doesn't like it.. could be family.. could be spiritual issues.. not religious.. but spiritual.. she might feel lacking in something.. or scared of something..

it's something U have to figure out.. don't only depend on therapy.. cuz u know her better.. and on a commitment level, again bluetwistedsteel has got it covered.. don't preassure her into sex.. let her know u r there for her.. which u r.. but in a more verbal and mental way..

u need to find that insecurity in her and deal with it together.. good luck bro..

 

[cyrex]

thanks carlsuen, this is great advice for a couple who have only been together for a few months. We've been together for 7 years and I've been probably more understanding and patient than most guys. I know what gets her in the mood (it does work about 20% of the time). We have sex basically 3 times a month or so and usually it's obligatory. I'll try to initiate it every once and a while and she will say "not tonight, but we will tomorrow" so typically that means we have sex the next day at the most inoprotune time for me when I'm really not in the mood, but being that it comes so infrequently I'll pretend I am. Anyways I'm not looking for a quick fix or really even looking for a fix. I just want to take some steps to do something about this, whether it results in an improvement or not.

 

[carlsuen]

think dude.. think outside the box.. u r trapped in the problem.. re-read my suggestion with an open mind.. i don't want to pour anymore coffee into a cup that's already full of it.. open your mind to other's suggestion.. and rethink the problem.. think and analyze hard..

and be encouraging to your wife.. be a motivation in her life.. a MAJOR ONE!!
just understand her work more.. be a good listener.. i think u r.. after 7 years.. i don't doubt your ablity as a good man and husband.. but sometimes.. we get so caught up in the problem.. we can't see the way out.. which could be right in front of us..

 

[cyrex]

carlsuen, hehe I completely understand where you are getting, but if you could hear it yourself from my wife on how understanding and kind I am about this situation.
I've read soo many books that say exactly what you are telling me and I put it to practice. I'm not saying i'm perfect but damnit I give a concious effort to show appreciation for the things she does, talk to her about her interests, giver her massages (which she loves). Surprising her with things like a flower on her car seat in the morning before she goes to work. Sending her flowers for no particular reason.

But for your persistance, I will make an effort to try even harder to do these things just because I love her that much.

karma to you! (you don't with the 100 just yet, but i'm sending some your way anyhow)

 

[carlsuen]

well in that case.. maybe professional advice is what u really need to resort to..

either way.. good luck to u.. i'll pray for the happiness of u and ur wife..

 

[cyrex]

any suggestions on how to seek out professional advice (google hasn't served me well in this area)

 

[Gymgurl]

Look in the phone book under Marriage counselors...start there and they can reccommend someone eles if need be.....

 

[jenscats5]

Any advice on what steps to take first to do this? She will definately not make the first appointment, but I'm sure she would go if I was the one that took the time to research and make the appointment. (I'll offer to go with her if she would like also)

We don't have a family doctor yet (We have only been in Nashville for a year and a half or so). So should we go to a family doctor type place first and ask for a referal or what?

I would say that depends on your health coverage/insurance policy....some require you to see them 1st....She also might consider seeing a female GYN also as they are more focused on "that part" of her....\

Also consider that she may be depressed - and depression definitely nulls the sex drive but can also lead to general apathy....

 

[dullboy]

75mg of pharma grade mdma would probably help her along.

you both need to see a marriage counselor STAT!

she will probably need separate therapy. has she spoke with her ob/gyn? that would be a good starting point

 

[Gymgurl]

Yep I think we all have about the same summary here

 

[cyrex]

75mg of pharma grade mdma would probably help her along.

you both need to see a marriage counselor STAT!

she will probably need separate therapy. has she spoke with her ob/gyn? that would be a good starting point

mdma ... i've thought about that! but i don't have the slightest clue as to how to get it?

they don't perscribe that stuff do they?

 

[dullboy]

is she on anti-depressants?

 

[cyrex]

she is on no meds (except birthcontrol pill at the moment) but she has only been on that for the last 6 months or so and the problem has been around long before

 

[jenscats5]

she is on no meds (except birthcontrol pill at the moment) but she has only been on that for the last 6 months or so and the problem has been around long before

Listen, dood, I feel for ya - but I think you've done everything in your power....start looking for therapists...and don't necessarily expect the right fit with the 1st one...

 

[cyrex]

Yeah I think that's all that's left

 

[HiDnGoD]

It could be that she's just too stressed and wound too tight. Stress is by far the biggest libido killer for women, there isn't even a close second. My advice, get her away for a vacation where she can relax. Then, and this is critical, don't try climbing on her the first night away. Maybe give her a massage, treat her nice, do some things she enjoys (if she likes to dance, take her dancing etc) and just hang out without her feeling any pressure. If she thinks the only reason you took her away was to get her in the mood for sex the whole thing isn't going to work. All of this is going to hopefully get her to relax and if that happens I'll bet she perks up. Women are not by nature frigid, some just need you to cultivate their desire a little bit. Go slow, make her want you, and show her that sex is supposed to be fun not stressful or goal (orgasm) oriented. Then post pics.

Excellent post. Sometimes cuddling, naked snuggling, massaging, all without the pressure of sex as a finale, can get her to relax.
Yes, stress can be a big thing. Is she on any meds? Anti-depressants. Is she diabetic?

 

[Gymgurl]

Okay BINGO...BC kills the sex drive......I mean can stomp it right out.....so have her talk to her Dr about thatone.....also I hate to ask you this and I am not doing this to be mean,......are you 100% sure there is no one else in her life?

 

[cyrex]

Okay BINGO...BC kills the sex drive......I mean can stomp it right out.....so have her talk to her Dr about thatone.....also I hate to ask you this and I am not doing this to be mean,......are you 100% sure there is no one else in her life?

Great question ;-)

While BC may prevent progress, it is not the cause, this has been going on way before that started up

I'm 100% positive there is no one else for a number of reasons.
Besides the honesty and trust that we share:

1) This has been going on since we started having sex around when we were 18.
2) We are from the same home town, went the same high school in Iowa. About 1.5 years ago I moved down here to Nashville (on my own for the first 4 months) to work. She stayed behind at her job to wait and make sure it worked out down here. Then she moved down with me. We got married in September of last year. So this leads me to the conclusion that (with a very open mind) if she was seeing someone else back in Iowa, she could definately not be seeing that person here in TN. Her low libido has been continuous for the last 6-7 years +
3) We are home bodies and don't go out much without each other. She is either at work or with me.
4) Sex is by far our biggest problem, besides our sex life, I could not be more happy to have her as my wife. She is the only person I could ever see being the mother of my children and besides all that, my family likes her more than me

 

[Gymgurl]

I can tell you from my background in counseling.....marriage counseling...not that you are having any major major problems but this will only get worse if not changed

 

[cyrex]

yep ;-) that's why i'm trying to do something about it now

 

[Beachboy6294]

Damn I feel for you bro but it's great that you both love each other enough to work through this problem. I would think that if you want to use your insurance you will have to start with a family Doctor or it depends on your coverage. If money isn't a problem then I would look into a sex therapist which I'm pretty sure there would be one in your area since you live in a big city. I wish you the best bro!

 

[cyrex]

nashville? Big? haha
feels tiny to me but then i'm no small person

 

[Beachboy6294]

nashville? Big? haha
feels tiny to me but then i'm no small person

I didnt mean big like LA or NYC but it's better than Purvis, Mississippi!

 

[cyrex]

purvis hehe he said "purvis" haha

 

[cyrex]

UPDATE TIME!
So i finally convinced my wife to go to a women's sexual health clinic and have some tests run. The blood tests came back and DRUMROLL


She has very low free testosterone levels and
high binding globuline

They recommended to her that she should take 25mg of DHEA daily.

Any suggestions considering i 'MAY' have the real thing available?

 

[Synpax]

You can send her to my house!!

j/k - hope you guys figure it out. You are a swell guy not to cheat on her or dump her.

 

[KD1]

UPDATE TIME!
So i finally convinced my wife to go to a women's sexual health clinic and have some tests run. The blood tests came back and DRUMROLL


She has very low free testosterone levels and
high binding globuline

They recommended to her that she should take 25mg of DHEA daily.

Any suggestions considering i 'MAY' have the real thing available?

Nettle Root Extract binds to SBHG and raises free test. Look at the product "Activate" by designer supplements.

 

[pierce652]

I feel your pain and can totally relate. My wife and I have two children, both via Stoli's...but her drive seems to only come with alcohol. Im my situation I know there is some bad history which has not been flushed out and I have not pressed the matter to its full potential since Im not sure Id like what I would hear. It is totally fustrating and in my case I wonder many times if it is something about me. This is a situation the two of you will need to sit down and discuss, along with all the various options. Even if no decision is made, the bug is planted and the subject can be discussed again since it will not be new territory. You know the love is there but the physical manifestation is lacking, which totally sucks.

Keep loving her and do not hold this problem against her and absolutely do not let it interfere with the rest of your daily lives. When the timing is right you need to ease into the subject and have a completely open and honest discussion on your likes and dislikes and what you want and expect. If you come at her aggressively or pointing fingers then you will do nothing but damage. I guess what Im trying to say is that both parties ego's are at stake and you have to tread gently. My wife and I have had several discussions on this issue...not saying they have helped for more than a week...but dont give up. If you need to feel free to email or pm me.

 

[jenscats5]

UPDATE TIME!
So i finally convinced my wife to go to a women's sexual health clinic and have some tests run. The blood tests came back and DRUMROLL


She has very low free testosterone levels and
high binding globuline

They recommended to her that she should take 25mg of DHEA daily.

Any suggestions considering i 'MAY' have the real thing available?

Hey, that's great that at least you guys found a reason as to why!! Did they give her a scrip?? Hope the situation improves soon!

 

[5150guy]

Cyrex:

If your partner is still having problems that are related to reproductive endocrinology(hormones), you might have your wife try testosterone pellet therapy. These pellets release very slowly over time and are relatively inexpensive. Some people are opposed to using synthetic hormones in favor of "bioidentical" hormones.

I think you will find this link to be very educational

http://www.sottopelletherapy.com/estrogen.htm

best of luck to you and your partner

 

[nisser512]

Perhaps a silly question but....Are you absolutely sure she likes men at all?

edit: To elaborate on what I just asked...You've been together for nearly 10 years and if she came to the realization that she likes women sometime during that time think how difficult it would be for her to admit that to you. It's one of the reasons why I've never ever wanted to get serious with any of my girlfriends through highschool and the early couple of college years; no one knows jack shit what they want.

If this hormonal therapy doesn't work, check the classifieds or something and look for a woman willing to have a threesome with you guys. Or even a guy. Try both and see her reactions.

 

[bluetwistedsteel67]

Perhaps a silly question but....Are you absolutely sure she likes men at all?

edit: To elaborate on what I just asked...You've been together for nearly 10 years and if she came to the realization that she likes women sometime during that time think how difficult it would be for her to admit that to you. It's one of the reasons why I've never ever wanted to get serious with any of my girlfriends through highschool and the early couple of college years; no one knows jack shit what they want.

If this hormonal therapy doesn't work, check the classifieds or something and look for a woman willing to have a threesome with you guys. Or even a guy. Try both and see her reactions.

That's terrible advice. I'd bet any amount of money that her lack of desire is stress related. Too much rat race, feeling pulled in a million directions, not enough time in the day.....those are the libido killers for women. Men feel stress and they want to lay the wood to their woman but for a woman, when she feels tired and stressed and she goes to bed the idea of sex just seems rediculous. I wish women were more like men! ha! Guaranteed, if this guy took some extra load (I'm not insinuating he doesn't do his part because I don't know him) with no expectation of ANYTHING in return and was consistent over a decent period of time, she would perk up. If that doesn't work, I would go with checking her hormone levels and maybe getting her on some low dose test cream. I would definitely not say, "hey baby, I was checking out the personals and what do you think about us bringing another girl into our bed". That's a quick way to get booted out of the house - unless she's into it but that is a longshot and if she were I bet he would know after all their years together

 

[Gymgurl]

hey that is great that you figured out the problem!!

 

[nisser512]

That's terrible advice. I'd bet any amount of money that her lack of desire is stress related. Too much rat race, feeling pulled in a million directions, not enough time in the day.....those are the libido killers for women. Men feel stress and they want to lay the wood to their woman but for a woman, when she feels tired and stressed and she goes to bed the idea of sex just seems rediculous. I wish women were more like men! ha! Guaranteed, if this guy took some extra load (I'm not insinuating he doesn't do his part because I don't know him) with no expectation of ANYTHING in return and was consistent over a decent period of time, she would perk up. If that doesn't work, I would go with checking her hormone levels and maybe getting her on some low dose test cream. I would definitely not say, "hey baby, I was checking out the personals and what do you think about us bringing another girl into our bed". That's a quick way to get booted out of the house - unless she's into it but that is a longshot and if she were I bet he would know after all their years together

He already says that she's not stressed and that he treats her like a queen...I'm having a tough time believing that a woman has absolutely zero sex drive in close to 10 years. I could see it if he was a fat sweaty slob but considering the board...i doubt it.

 

[Dekaxx]

Not to sound negative and im sure you do not want to hear this angle on it but, you ever think there is a good chance you 2 are just not sexually compatible?

Took me 35 years to finally find the ONE and we are going on 2 years now and still can't keep our hands off each other and we still go at it 3+ times a day but we are very compatible sexually and have had awesome chemistry from day one..Hummm the laying face down thing is interesting, one of my X's could only get off that way with me doing the anal thing to her ever tried some light bondage may you need to tie her up and don't ask just do it see what her response is

 

[Deleted member 33117]

See when happens when you violate the first of the "BBF's Rules To A Happy Marriage"?

Never marry anyone who you do not have amazing sex with. You will regret it.