has anyone dated a previously married man?

[mbrooke5]

Alright ladies, I need some female's opionions. I have been dating this guy for about two years and his divorce just got fianlized about 3 months ago. Anyway, our relationship is doing well, the ex doesn't really bother us too much. But about a month ago she called him at like 3,4, & 5 in the morning. When I woke up I looked at his phone & asked him 'who is this' and he said "i dunno". so..okay i just forgot about it and went about our business. Yesterday he called her dad because he had not talked to her or his daughter in 2 days and he was worried. cool. understood. but when her dad asked for her # he repeated that # I saw at 3 oclock in the morning. I didn't say anything. Today i looked at his phone bill and more than once he was calling this woman late, 2,3. So I asked him why & he told me that she was trying to move out of her house & needed "help" ...$500 help whatever. I got kinda pissed off at him, yelled a little, said some mean things all because I feel that this woman has the control over him. She uses his daughter against him and I get the shit end of it because he's all pissy! So am i crazy for asking? for feeling insecure? I mean if he couldn't tell me about it, what else is he not going to tell me? ANd he's reply to this was, he knows how I am and I would have gotten mad! Well Hell ya! wouldn't y'all?
Sorry ladies, i just really need to vent and there are just somethings I don't like to tell my friends, or my mother? You know?

 

[jenscats5]

I hear ya....relationships can be frustrating at times....

I'm married to a man with a daughter who was previously married for 18 years. They get along great, which is really nice. It can really suck if the former spouses don't get along, especially when there are kids involved.....Also is he really ready for another relationship?? He may not be.....he may still love his ex or be mentally attached to her....He may not want to let go...

The only thing is if you are in a relationship with a man with kids, you're going to have to put up with calls, visits, seeing her, etc as it's part of the "kid" package.......along with the kid....

 

[Seashell]

I think you have every right to be angry.. how would he feel if you were calling an ex at 2, 3 am, and then when he asked who it was, you lied about it? The "I knew you'd get mad" excuse is bs in my book. And like you said, it begs the question..what else is he not telling you because you'll get mad?

Personally, I won't date guys with kids. I've tried twice, and both times it was completely messed up. The jealous ex used the kids to control him, and by not getting visitation rights, he allowed it and it was always me getting the short end of the stick. Forget that. I don't need that drama in my life.

That said, I know not all situations are the same.. but that's just what I've found in my limited experience..

 

[mbrooke5]

.....Also is he really ready for another relationship?? He may not be.....he may still love his ex or be mentally attached to her....He may not want to let go....

Sometimes that crosses my mind and we talk just about everything and I've asked him. The thing is he was with his ex for 14 years, you know an old high school thing, thats messed up, psycho, an unstable thing. She would call him stupid, ugly, and a lot of other things... And his mom was the same... she walked out on him and his dad when he was 5 and she used to beat the shit out of him. So he was used to those "mean" women in his life.

So when we met, I am completely opposite, I have 2 wonderful supportive parents, went to private school all my life, a big over-achiever, and a "cool" chick per say. So I was his relief. Anyway, shortly after we met, he started going to thearapy, and is still going, and he has changed a lot since we started dating... for the better.

So to me that seems like he wants all the bad out of his life but...your right jen...she'll always have that mental control over him!

 

[FigureSkater]

One of my friends in college was dating a guy who had been married and had a kid, and it actually worked out well (although they did break up after 3 years). She and the ex-wife actually became pretty good friends and we all even hung out before in a big group. But her boyfriend and his ex wife also made sure they maintained a good friendship for their daughter's sake and he was really an awesome dad (especially for having his daughter so young). But this guy's previous marriage was a very short and they were young, so that may be why it's working out well...he joined the air force right out of high school, got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 19 so they got married, they were divorced by the time they were 22. The little girl is going into 2nd grade now, and she's a very smart, beautiful kid.

 

[FitFossil]

...Personally, I won't date guys with kids...

I'm with Seashell on that. The main reason is I don't want any kids, not mine or anyone elses. Anytime you date someone who is a parent, you've got to realize their kids will ALWAYS come before you, whether they're 4 years old or 40 years old. And that's the way it should be (to a point). So, if you're not up for playing second fiddle (I wasn't), then it won't work. Throwing a jealous Ex into the mix complicates things further. I'm not saying relationships like this won't work for everyone, it just depends on ALL the players in the relationship and HOW they play.

 

[mbrooke5]

The main reason is I don't want any kids, not mine or anyone elses. .

I don't want children either, or right now at least...but it's nice to see his daughter go do kid stuff...then send her HOME! No...she's a good kid, but at night I like my peace and quiet.

 

[jenscats5]

I don't want kids either and it was weird getting into a relationship with a man who had a kid. For me it was better as she was older, she's now out of high school......We are not paying for college or anything like that.....But yes, the kid always comes 1st.....and if you don't like something the kid does, then you hate the kid.....give an opinion he doesn't like about the kid -- you don't know anything about kids....blah blah blah....

Hey, if he's been treated so badly by other women like his mom, maybe he doesn't subconsiously feel he deserves you and will passively do things to ruin the relationship.....

But it is weird to talk to the ex at 3 am unless the kid is sick...

 

[mbrooke5]

Thanks ladies, i needed to vent a little, and last night we talked about it...and everything is cool...for now!

by the way JEN that cat is so cute on your computer!!!!

 

[Werd]

I've dated men with and without. I have several children myself AND a crazy psycho ex so though I am approached a lot there are very few men who would truly be willing to invest. I don't get offended.

I make it a point to not meet a man's children unless it is very serious because I form strong attachments to children quickly. I only met one bf's children ONCE (about 3 years ago) and I STILL remember all of their birthdays. It was his doing, not mine. I had no clue I was going to meet them, yet there they were. It hurt me very deeply when our relationship didnt work out. As a result, I dont even want to see pictures of a man's children. They also are not privy to pics of mine.

My current man just met my kids for the first time - so as far as I am concerned it is a done deal. I met his oldest daughter this weekend past (she is a bit older than me) and we got along famously. She was so bright and beautiful and we related well. Our children are nearly the same age (hers are right in line behind mine in age).

I have no issue with dealing with a man's ex's or kids as I have a lot of kids and THE PSYCHO EX FROM HELL THAT WILL NEVER EVER FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE. However, if the kids would be brats or the ex would be in my business then I would not go for it. These things show themselves early on and because I don't rush in I would see long before we got serious.

I agree that the ex calling at those hours unless the child is in serious trouble is VERY VERY ODD. And for your man to lie about it is unacceptable. However, he is kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. If he had told you upfront, would you not have gone off initially?

Good luck. I truly hope things work out for the best.