40 Mistakes Men Make During Sex...

[carlsuen]

gotta love this thread.. hehe..

 

[Trojan Horse]

(courtesy of gotmojo from the POW board, sans POW)

1) NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the Ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then! clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breast-ville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her! to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without ma! ps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is OK in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are OK; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a Sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really! y don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL Sexxxx TOO GENTLY

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral Sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

In X-rated movies, women ! seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL Sex & PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and ! permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER

Never thank a woman for having Sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

I'm sure that Sassy 69 works as a sex columnist during the day. There is alot of critiquing here. Most of it sounds right. I've heard a few before.

 

[Creepusmaximus]

No but when you are married you just have to spice things up...still suprises

Most women spice it up by gaining 15-20 and becoming bitchy. That's every chick on my street, not one would sleep with if I could. That spice it up crap is crap. Want to spice it up bring a hot girl friend with you. LOL.

 

[reno240]

Great post - motified my game some - wife loves it... But I don't care what you say - I am still taking pictures...

 

[HiDnGoD]

I swear to god.WTF?! Why the fuck do you wait until I have been through hell all day, come home and had to put up with your whining ass all evening, wait until its LATE AS HELL and you know im fuckin wore out... to then try and turn up the sensuality? Get the fuck outta my face *rolls over*.

Look... Im a simple man. If my wife is happy, im happy. If shes not happy, it makes me miserable. Its that simple. You want me happy? Just dont bitch, piss and moan about everything under the sun and i will be the model husband you thought you never would have.

Boy, i hope you women dont rip me apart for this one....

I'm with you on this one, brother.

 

[WhiteCastle]

Tennessee State Senator, Raymond Finney once told me 'in a marrige, you can either be right or happy'.

Ever see those refridgerator magnets that say something like 'if mom isn't happy, nobody is happy'?

Like it or not, women are the rulers of the Universe. Without women, not only would men not exist, but it would be a miserable existance for everyone involved. God is the one that made us like we are. God is the one that gave women more willpower than men, and the ability to have any dick they want. God is also the one that gave men the 'gift' of being forever horny to the point of, at times, desperation.
God doesn't make mistakes.

Point is, if you truly love a woman, you will be willing to whatever is necessary to make her happy..... Not for your sake, but for hers. Simply because nothing makes you happier than seeing her happy.

 

[Sassy69]

I'm sure that Sassy 69 works as a sex columnist during the day. There is alot of critiquing here. Most of it sounds right. I've heard a few before.

LOL You should see my NIGHT job!












ok just kidding. I'm in competition prep. I go to the gym. Go home. EF. Sleep. Gym. Eat. EF. Gym. Go home. Sleep.

 

[BigRupe]

(courtesy of gotmojo from the POW board, sans POW)

1) NOT KISSING FIRST

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the Ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then! clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breast-ville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her! to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Although most men can find the clitoris without ma! ps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is OK in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are OK; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a Sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really! y don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL Sexxxx TOO GENTLY

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral Sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

In X-rated movies, women ! seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL Sex & PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and ! permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER

Never thank a woman for having Sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

My Rebuttal: Please excuse any typos I am tired.

1) NOT KISSING FIRST

I agree, but who the hell doesn't kiss first and kissing takes two. Seems to me a lot of passivety on the woman's part is being assummed here

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR

And vice versa, women who do a lot more "blowing" than men are just as guilty.

3) NOT SHAVING

Trust me NOTHING feels worse than having the tender sensitive part of your penis rubbing against a pussy that needs to be shaved or stubble on the legs. OUCH!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST

I think it depends on the individual woman, I've had women tell me to squeeze them harder

5) BITING HER NIPPLES

Again I think it depends on the individual woman, I've had women tell me to bite them harder

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES

Again "some" women like that too. I've been with women who had orgasms from me sucking, squeezing, and biting their breast

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY

Been my experience more women are guilty of going straight to the North Pole than men are.

8.)GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED

Some women like aggression

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT

Now where in the hell did that rule come from? No pun intended. The "rule" is the owner of the house disposes of the proceeds.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS

I've seen some girls attacking their own clit like they had a Milwaukee Tools electric sander strapped to their wrist

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK

Again it depends on the woman and one can stop and continue to tease and touch and keep the sexual tension high and men also return to the beginning when we stop.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY

This reminds me of the girl in Animal House who wore a rubber glove to jerk who boyfriend off. It's sex, it's suppossed to be fun and messy and sometimes awkward and sometimes effortless. How self centered can a woman be that she'se upset even though no one but her and her lover can see her in a possible awkward moment.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

Agreed, but how often does a wedgie really occur.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA

Agree, although I've had some women who are vaginally oriented. (Hey I just made that up, but feel free to use it.)

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY

Sometimes rough is sexy. Some women love being dominated and feel very feminine when the guy is a little rough. Women are not freaking pieces of china.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY

Ok I guess we need a new, clothes come off in syncronized fashion rule.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST

No women would know if I was was wearing socks, sandals, flip flops, or freaking hip boots once my pants are off and I'm at full mast. They usually just stare in admiration.

18) GOING TOO FAST

I guess all those " faster, OOOH don't stop, Yeah harder baby harder, give it to me, harder, take my pussy, F-A-S-T-E-R..." comments were a lie.

19) GOING TOO HARD

See above

20) COMING TOO SOON

Agreed but a professional knows this and I think in all fairness a woman shouldn't come too soon either. Right?

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH

Oh good lord that is a hoot. Just how many minutes do you want it for 33, 42, 17.5? I've had women marvel at my ability and staying power.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
No sometimes we really can't and what's wrong with a woman giving us a heads up by saying "oh God baby yes I'm coming..."? We men have had women ask us if we've climaxed yet!

23) PERFORMING ORAL Sexxxx TOO GENTLY

We'll do that as soon as you women stop thinking a penis is a tool for removing plaque from your teeth. LOL

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN

I propose a new man rule that all women must have our penises in their mouth within 10 minutes of the start of sexuial activity. This will spare them the dreaded "nudging their head down" syndrome and they BETTER not do it too hard or too gently either.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX

Not everyman likes the taste of pussy, especially one that needs some attention, and yet we have no choice in tasting it if you want oral sex, so I propose another rule that if you want your pussy licked and want us to taste it, despite our preference then you owe us the same thing, irregardless of what you think it taste like and actually all the REALLY cool and sexy babes love the taste so if you don't there just might be something wrong with you.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO

Ok and women please don't you dare move, grab our hair, squeeze and crush our heads in a scissor fashion with your legs, bend our noses, nor grind our upper lips off with your pubic bone as you get off on oral sex.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES

Again the really cool, hot and sexy chicks really dig that. If you don't you just "might" want to seek sexual counseling.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES

See response to number 21. My opinion is if a woman knows what she is doing and can turn on a man and make him cum she'll be on top the PERFECT amount of time. Since she is in control and if things are taking to long than I propose she isn't doing something right and should accept all the blame.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL Sex & PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

They are so close sometimes accidents do happen and we all know some women won't admit to wanting anal sex nor will say yes when asked, so to spare their feelings we intuitivley know to use the "Ooops that was an accident excuse" I think women just need to give in and let all men have anal sex and ask the guy if he wants it, thus saving EVERYONE involved a lot of headaches and pains in the ass. LOL

30) TAKING PICTURES

Oh yeah and women NEVER want to take pics of their men. wink wink wink

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH

It seems you want men to do it all.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS

Loosen up baby sex isn't a tea and crumpets affair.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES

Women like that admit it.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. TRUE, but many STILL like anal stimulation and how many men have ever actually asked a woman "where's your prostate?"

35) GIVING LOVE BITES

I think by now we'd stop with the blanket sterotypes of what women do and don't want. Each is as unique as a snowflake and so are men for that matter. You pretend women are these perfect sexual beings who get it and we all know that ain't the truth.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS

I don't know, I like when a girl gives me instructions like "Oh yes give me that big thick dick..." Again this is an individual thing and your results may vary. LOL

37) TALKING DIRTY

That is so not true. Many women are AFRAID to talk dirty and many don't know that it will turn them on or turn their man on. I have YET to find a women that didn't like sexy conversation. Again the degree of the conversation varies from women to women, but the most incredible sex happens when you pay attentiopn to your lover and test the boundaries instead of "getting it in writing before hand"

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES

Now wait what about the rule number 21 that bitches about doing it for "too long" and now it's "keep on tryong"? A little consistency please. Thank you!

39) SQUASHING HER

Agreed

40) THANKING HER

Never thank a woman for having Sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Again thank you's can be very sincere and loving and affectionate. Loosen up and live. I know realize just how lucky my girlfriend is and how far and how long some women need to go before they can enjoy sex if this is how they feel.

 

[Sassy69]

BR - I agree w/ you pretty much 100%.

 

[BigRupe]

LOL That was a fun post. I hope you took it for the way it was intended and for the laugh!

I do think there is a direct correlation between how much a person enjoys sex and appreciates it for what it is and how little they complain.

I think the more the woman OR man complains the less fun they will actually have.

I still think an International committee of hot, sex starved babes and I should sit down and iron out the rules. I think the Nudging the Head down Rule and the Anal Sex rule should become standard rules of engagement. LOL