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krilin1989
New member
Hi everyone,
I literally just found this forum because I was searching out of desperation. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, so I wanted to tell my story and hopefully get some advice from people who have much more experience than I do.
I started training when I was around 14, originally just lifting weights. I'm 38 now.
I grew up in a country that was quite isolated from the rest of the world at the time, and I had absolutely no knowledge about training, nutrition or bodybuilding. I would go to some run-down basement gym, pay the owner a little money and basically do whatever I wanted. I trained like that for probably five years, although I'm not even sure you could call it proper training.
Later, after moving abroad, I slowly started discovering information about training and nutrition. I remember being around 20 when I first tried to follow an actual diet that I had basically copied from someone on the internet. I was honestly shocked when, after a few months, I finally went from being overweight to actually looking like someone who trained.
But looking back now, I realise that I still knew absolutely nothing.
Over the years I started doing more than just lifting weights — running, boxing, kickboxing, etc. I also started taking supplements in huge amounts and eventually steroids. The problem was that I had absolutely no understanding of what I was doing. I basically took whatever some underground dealer recommended because at the time everything looked amazing and I thought I needed it.
I should also mention that for most of those years, apart from roughly the last two, alcohol, drugs and a lot of other stupid decisions were also part of my life.
Anyway, enough about the past. I'm 38 now and I'm finally starting to realise just how badly I fucked up over the years. It's actually difficult to believe how many years I spent training and experimenting without ever properly educating myself.
This is where I am now:
I've struggled with anxiety, depression, constantly low mood and generally feeling mentally terrible for many years.
I've also never properly had bloodwork done, which I now realise was incredibly stupid considering my history.
I'm currently on TRT and have been for about a year. I'm using Nebido, 5 mL every 8 weeks.
Physically, I guess I look somewhat better than I feel, but mentally and internally I still feel like absolute shit.
I've been training like a maniac for basically my entire life, yet I've never managed to achieve the physique I've wanted. And honestly, my goal isn't even anything crazy. I'd just like to be around 88 kg and lean/defined.
At the moment I'm around 100 kg and probably around 20% body fat.
So I guess my main questions are:
Where do I even start?
Since I've never had proper bloodwork done, what would you guys recommend as a basic starting point? What blood tests should someone with my history be getting, and are there any reasonably cheap/reliable private testing options in the UK?
And most importantly, what can I do about the constant anxiety, depression and feeling mentally terrible?
I'm not really looking for someone to tell me what cycle to run or what drugs to add. At this point I genuinely want to understand what I've done to myself, what I should be checking, and how I can start getting my health and my head back on track.
I've spent most of my life doing things without understanding them. I don't want to keep making the same mistake.
So yeah, guys… please help me out. Especially with the psychological side of things. If someone has been through something similar and has some serious advice, I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry for the long post. I'm honestly just reaching out because I don't know where else to start.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.
I literally just found this forum because I was searching out of desperation. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, so I wanted to tell my story and hopefully get some advice from people who have much more experience than I do.
I started training when I was around 14, originally just lifting weights. I'm 38 now.
I grew up in a country that was quite isolated from the rest of the world at the time, and I had absolutely no knowledge about training, nutrition or bodybuilding. I would go to some run-down basement gym, pay the owner a little money and basically do whatever I wanted. I trained like that for probably five years, although I'm not even sure you could call it proper training.
Later, after moving abroad, I slowly started discovering information about training and nutrition. I remember being around 20 when I first tried to follow an actual diet that I had basically copied from someone on the internet. I was honestly shocked when, after a few months, I finally went from being overweight to actually looking like someone who trained.
But looking back now, I realise that I still knew absolutely nothing.
Over the years I started doing more than just lifting weights — running, boxing, kickboxing, etc. I also started taking supplements in huge amounts and eventually steroids. The problem was that I had absolutely no understanding of what I was doing. I basically took whatever some underground dealer recommended because at the time everything looked amazing and I thought I needed it.
I should also mention that for most of those years, apart from roughly the last two, alcohol, drugs and a lot of other stupid decisions were also part of my life.
Anyway, enough about the past. I'm 38 now and I'm finally starting to realise just how badly I fucked up over the years. It's actually difficult to believe how many years I spent training and experimenting without ever properly educating myself.
This is where I am now:
I've struggled with anxiety, depression, constantly low mood and generally feeling mentally terrible for many years.
I've also never properly had bloodwork done, which I now realise was incredibly stupid considering my history.
I'm currently on TRT and have been for about a year. I'm using Nebido, 5 mL every 8 weeks.
Physically, I guess I look somewhat better than I feel, but mentally and internally I still feel like absolute shit.
I've been training like a maniac for basically my entire life, yet I've never managed to achieve the physique I've wanted. And honestly, my goal isn't even anything crazy. I'd just like to be around 88 kg and lean/defined.
At the moment I'm around 100 kg and probably around 20% body fat.
So I guess my main questions are:
Where do I even start?
Since I've never had proper bloodwork done, what would you guys recommend as a basic starting point? What blood tests should someone with my history be getting, and are there any reasonably cheap/reliable private testing options in the UK?
And most importantly, what can I do about the constant anxiety, depression and feeling mentally terrible?
I'm not really looking for someone to tell me what cycle to run or what drugs to add. At this point I genuinely want to understand what I've done to myself, what I should be checking, and how I can start getting my health and my head back on track.
I've spent most of my life doing things without understanding them. I don't want to keep making the same mistake.
So yeah, guys… please help me out. Especially with the psychological side of things. If someone has been through something similar and has some serious advice, I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry for the long post. I'm honestly just reaching out because I don't know where else to start.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.
