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Someone tell me a joke ...
- Thread starter PICK3
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PICK3
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who's there?
PICK3
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my business?
first time I heard that one I walked outside and slipped on dinosaur shit
PICK3
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PICK3
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how?
nimbus
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she's the one in the fishnets
PICK3
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racist!
calveless wonder
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i'll stab you in the throat
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "Hey, guess what? Last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window." The bartender just shakes his head and keeps wiping down the bar.
The second guy says, "You're nuts! There's no way that could happen!"
"No, its true," the first man says. "And I'll prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar, where he sits down and finishes his drink.
The second man is flabbergasted. "Holy shit, I know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind lifts him up and carries him around the building and through the window. Soon he resumes his seat and orders another drink.
Now the second guy is genuinely excited. "Shit I've gotta try that!" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors ... and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the first man and says, "You know, you're a mean son of a bitch when you're drunk, Superman."
The second guy says, "You're nuts! There's no way that could happen!"
"No, its true," the first man says. "And I'll prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar, where he sits down and finishes his drink.
The second man is flabbergasted. "Holy shit, I know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind lifts him up and carries him around the building and through the window. Soon he resumes his seat and orders another drink.
Now the second guy is genuinely excited. "Shit I've gotta try that!" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors ... and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the first man and says, "You know, you're a mean son of a bitch when you're drunk, Superman."
Here's one for SB 
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells "Paw, I found her! I found the girl I'm gonna marry, and she's a virgin!" Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells "Paw, I found her! I found the girl I'm gonna marry, and she's a virgin!" Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
PICK3
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MichaelScott
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i got laid the other day.
I'm sure Radar will come soon and stink the place with his jokes 
A white tiger named Montecore. (Provided this was a joke about Roy Horn)!
I have one...
Just had dinner with a guy who seems to wanna get some. Bill comes, he wants to split it
wtf $28 bro-I got this...NOOOO, we are not going back to your place. Ughhhhhh
chris302001
Banned
Any good tornado jokes?
A man goes to see a prostitute and pays his $50,
while they are getting naked to do the deed, the man starts putting cotton in his ears and nose
the prostitute says "what you doing that for"
Old man says, "Cause i cant stand the smell of burning rubber and screaming women"
while they are getting naked to do the deed, the man starts putting cotton in his ears and nose
the prostitute says "what you doing that for"
Old man says, "Cause i cant stand the smell of burning rubber and screaming women"
Man walks into a bar, sees a sign behind the bartender that says
"Hand Jobs $10 Ham sandwiches $2"
He says to the woman bartender
"Excuse me, are you the lady that does the hand Jobs" ????
she says "Yes I am"
he says
"Well, wash those hands and make me a ham sandwich"
"Hand Jobs $10 Ham sandwiches $2"
He says to the woman bartender
"Excuse me, are you the lady that does the hand Jobs" ????
she says "Yes I am"
he says
"Well, wash those hands and make me a ham sandwich"
Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly. "What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers. "I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."
source: Tornado Jokes - Weather Jokes
chris302001
Banned
This was my fav joke as a kid.
There is a kid name Buttitches. On the first day of school the teacher ask him what his name is he told her and she laughed she asked him again and he told her his name this time she was angry and said to him that if he doesnt give her his name she is going to send him to the principal office he told her his name and got sent to the principal office.
There the principal asked him for his name the same thing happened with the teacher except he sent him home instead (sorry I didnt want to retype everything). On his way home he got hit by a car and his mom saw this and ran up to him screaming "OH MY BUTTITCHES OH MY BUTTITICHES!!!" then a cop came by and said "lady if your butt itches then scratch it"
There is a kid name Buttitches. On the first day of school the teacher ask him what his name is he told her and she laughed she asked him again and he told her his name this time she was angry and said to him that if he doesnt give her his name she is going to send him to the principal office he told her his name and got sent to the principal office.
There the principal asked him for his name the same thing happened with the teacher except he sent him home instead (sorry I didnt want to retype everything). On his way home he got hit by a car and his mom saw this and ran up to him screaming "OH MY BUTTITCHES OH MY BUTTITICHES!!!" then a cop came by and said "lady if your butt itches then scratch it"
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what will you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting ..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto ... Tonto Goldstein."
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what will you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting ..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto ... Tonto Goldstein."
PICK3
New member
ololololstr8!
more fodder for tomorrow's water cooler dialogue that I'll pass off as my own material
keep them cuming!
Here's one for us old farts:
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything ...
She's married, so we can't go to her house.
I'm married, we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything ...
She's married, so we can't go to her house.
I'm married, we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
PICK3
New member
too close to the truth to be funny
Redrocker13
New member
LMAO!! Priceless MM! Simply priceless!!
See, now I was having an affair (with my current husband) when I first heard it, and money was a major issue for us (both of our spouses controlled the pursestrings). When he needed a new car a tinted window van was mandatory (I told him to get a windowless econo van but he said the kids would cry).
Anyway, we both thought this joke was a fucking riot back then.
PICK3
New member
You two are easily amused
Lmao!
MichaelScott
New member
band
HollywoodSwole
New member
A man walks into a bar...
Ouch.
Ouch.
nimbus
New member
that's a good answer too; i was gonna say aids though
Redrocker13
New member
Okay kiddies....sit down for this one! Priceless!!
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the Garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said "OK, you
can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl replied, "She ran out of gas
about halfway down the block, so another
dog is pushing her home."
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the Garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said "OK, you
can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes
later with no dog on the leash. Surprised,
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl replied, "She ran out of gas
about halfway down the block, so another
dog is pushing her home."
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