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Started dating an Older Woman... need opinions from both sexes!

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StoneColdGold

New member
I've been seeing an older woman for a little while now. I've known her since august. we work at the same place, but our different jobs don't bring us in contact during the day. i met her at a company party.

she's almost 9 years older than me. i just turned 25 two weeks ago, and she'll be 34 soon. she was married for six years (no kids) and has been divorced for just over a year. i'm on the other end of the spectrum. at 25, my longest relationship has been 4-5 months.

i am definitely falling in love with this woman. she is smart, beautiful, spiritual, funny, and thinks i'm the greatest thing ever, which doesn't hurt. we've been spending a lot of time together, talking, laughing, sharing. i've also had more sex in the last 2 weeks than i'd had in the previous 25 years! she has the most voracious sexual appetite i've ever experienced from a woman first hand.

her age isn't a problem for me now. but i can't help but look to the future. i have always wanted a big family. when i'm 30 years old and ready to begin that family, she will be almost 39. obviously, this isn't exactly the beginning of a woman's prime child-bearing years.

because of our age discrepancy and what it would mean for the future, i can't help but feel that there can't be any long term prospects for this relationship. am i being unreasonable? guys, what would you do in this situation? how do you tell a woman that you love her but that ultimately you can't be together? ladies, if you were in her position, would you understand where the guy is coming from?

i know that no matter how solid the reasoning, she is going to be crushed. it kills me to think of that. please give me your thoughts.
 
Hey you!!! :) I'm glad to hear that you've finally found someone who cares for you and treats you like YOU deserve to be treated! You are a great guy and you need a great girl because you deserve no less than that.

If I were the female in that situation...well...I would TRY to understand. I would want so badly for something to be able to workout...and for things to be 'okay.' She is going to be hurt.

Do you honestly feel that there is no way you can have a long term relationship with this woman? Because honestly...if you feel that you can't right now....you need to get out soon. This is for your sake AND hers. If you both really wanted it to work...it may if you tried hard enough. Do you think that you could get past her age and the fact that she may be too old to bear the children that you really want to have? Those are just a few things to think about.

Sorry if this seems bluntly honest...but you know that's how I am! :)
 
I know the feeling of wanting a big family. I definitely want a housefull of kids. I've always loved them. If you can honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this woman, then have you ever thought about adoption? I know it's not the same as knowing a child is yours, but if you want to keep her in your life, but you also want children, it's always a possibility. (BTW, she is still capable of having your child at that age)If you decide that you simply can't handle that option or any others presented to you, then end it now. Don't drag it out. It'll only hurt you both more. Just think carefully before you do anything.
 
well dude, no offense, but ur really going to start noticing the age on her while u stay young looking, she'll be 40 when ur 30 and yea, I dunno having kids will be tough for her, lot of things to consider
 
Maybe it's just a passing thing with her as well. She was in a marriage for 6 years, divorced now, so she wants to prove to herself and the world that she's still sexy, still got it, so she links up with a younger guy.

It sounds like you've already thought it out rationally, and that in your heart of hearts you can't see it working for whatever reason. If you do stay with her, you want her to be upfront and honest with you about starting a family, does she or doesn't she want children?. If she doesn't want kids, then the decision is made for you......move on.

If you can't see it going anywhere, you are better off ending it here and salvaging a friendship out of it.

btw, is she into anal sex?
 
Be open and honest with her!
"Don't lead her on."

Just like VG said she might be just having fun with you..;)
She probably feels great to have a young guy after her..

If you let her know how you feel;
this may be an on going relationship for a long time.
 
Pamela said:
Be open and honest with her!
"Don't lead her on."

Just like VG said she might be just having fun with you..;)
She probably feels great to have a young guy after her..

If you let her know how you feel;
this may be an on going relationship for a long time.
Click to expand...

So how does it feel to have a young guy after you;)
 
Pamela said:




:o :confused: ;)
VG how have you been?
Click to expand...

Can't complain sweets. If i did, no one would listen anyway:D I got your note.....i wish 5 x's......i need to do something about it and soon.

I trust you are well.
 
I was in this EXACT situation 8 years ago. She was 33 and I was 26. Everything you wrote describes the relationship I had with my ex. The sex, divorce....everything.

My ex was bothered by the age difference. I suppose I made her feel old. We both had different priorities and ended up going our separate ways.

I don't see anything wrong with such an age difference. If both people love each other, then, why not?
 
first, i appreciate all the opinions and advice.

i will talk to her this weekend and tell her where i stand. she definitely deserves to know what i think so that she can make a decision about what to do.

NF--this is so tough, because on one hand i truly am falling in love with her and enjoy being with her so much. but i do know in my heart that it cannot end in marriage.

PhatChick-- adoption is certainly something i would consider, but i have always wanted several of my own.

Austin-- i hear you. i'd be lying if i said i hadn't considered it. when i'm 30 and ready to get married, do i want to START my married life with a woman who is 39 or one who is 29?

vinyl-- i don't think its a passing thing. its amazing how women respond to a man who treats them properly, especially after they've been treated like dirt. i honestly think if i asked her to marry me tomorrow, she would say yes.

Jetisin-- i think thats exactly the point... one of the reasons she split with her ex was because he didn't want to have kids. but i'm not ready to have kids right now, and its kinda reaching "now or never" for her. so maybe she needs to be with someone who is ready to give her children now. i'm not even close.
 
Yah, us over 30 females should just go outside and shoot ourselves because clearly we're dead and worthless at 40 anyway.
 
velvett said:
Yah, us over 30 females should just go outside and shoot ourselves because clearly we're dead and worthless at 40 anyway.
Click to expand...


But if you all did that, then who would perform in MILFHUNTER?;)
 
velvett said:
Yah, us over 30 females should just go outside and shoot ourselves
Click to expand...
.....I thought that was Standard Operating Procedure....
 
velvett said:
Yah, us over 30 females should just go outside and shoot ourselves because clearly we're dead and worthless at 40 anyway.
Click to expand...

Buy I like women over 30.:)


They are fun to be with.:p :p :p

Even though they are not older than me, but who is? :confused:
 
Stone,
Atta boy. Proud of you man. I will break it down to you like this;
Be straght and to the point. She has seen more years than you and bullshit as well. Be open and more importantly honest......about everyhting. Things will fall into place then. Good luck.
 
StoneColdGold said:

i am definitely falling in love with this woman. she is smart, beautiful, spiritual, funny, and thinks i'm the greatest thing ever, which doesn't hurt. we've been spending a lot of time together, talking, laughing, sharing. i've also had more sex in the last 2 weeks than i'd had in the previous 25 years! she has the most voracious sexual appetite i've ever experienced from a woman first hand.
Click to expand...

BUT >.... she doesn't cut it as a viable partner for your longterm goals.

You do whatever is best for you but I can't help but say that this makes me sad. Her only "true" value in the long run, is if she can make your babies? It would be best for you to remain friends if this is the case. Don't lead her along hoping for something that you don't see happening. That wastes her precious time, too. She probably has some unspoken concerns as well when it comes to you being younger. Might be a good time to talk to her about them before much more time goes by and the bond gets even stronger and saying goodbye gets even more painful.

... coming from a successful, childless, about to be 35 year old woman recently, delightfully divorced from a man 6 years younger ...
 
well it didn't wait until this weekend. in trading e-mails today at work, she mentioned being "worried about what will happen with us" and was "very aware that our life together is up in the air."

once she expressed these things, i felt it was the appropriate time to address my concerns, which I did. i thought based on what she said that she would understand. i guess in some ways she did, and in some ways she didn't... but she's definitely confused and in pain, and i feel like the biggest asshole of all time.

velvett-- i don't believe i indicated anything like that. am i being unreasonable to suggest that our age/life situation differences might present some impassable obstacles? it has nothing to do with just her being 30+. if i were 30+ and had been through a try at marriage and family, i wouldn't be having this conversation... i'd be proposing to the girl.

Hammer-- thank you... i appreciate it.

Vixi-- thank you for understanding. i don't think its unreasonable to base relationship decisions on whether or not your goals are compatible. people do it all the time. i'd like to think that i'm not being a complete jerk just because MY particular goals center around having a family.
 
StoneColdGold said:
velvett-- i don't believe i indicated anything like that. am i being unreasonable to suggest that our age/life situation differences might present some impassable obstacles? it has nothing to do with just her being 30+.
Click to expand...

You're not being unreasonable - not at all, selfish perhaps. You don't know yet that she wants to shack up and make babies and from what it seems it wouldn't matter because it seems you think you have your life planned out.

It has everything to do with age and what you perceive her age in x amount will prevent you from attaining your goal when you do not even know for sure what her goals are for her future.

I'm sorry if it came off harsh but your perception is a very ture one and a widespread one.

StoneColdGold said:

her age isn't a problem for me now. but i can't help but look to the future. i have always wanted a big family. when i'm 30 years old and ready to begin that family, she will be almost 39. obviously, this isn't exactly the beginning of a woman's prime child-bearing years.
Click to expand...

Women near and over 40 can have children and why do you have a hang up that you can't start a family before 30? Why should it be geared to the preset age YOU have in your mind?

StoneColdGold said:
if i were 30+ and had been through a try at marriage and family, i wouldn't be having this conversation... i'd be proposing to the girl..
Click to expand...

How do you know that if you were already married and divorced that you would be proposing? You could be going through a woman hating, small mid-life crisis instead. You really can't predict anything in life, only keep hoping for the best and have a back-up plan when your master plan sours.

I guess in the future you will have to make sure you can find all that you want in a woman and she is still a young enough pony for you to keep her barefoot and pregnant for a few years.


In ten years you may understand where I'm coming from.

:angel:
 
Velvett...

That seemed a bit harsh on your part. He already stated that she was at the point in her life right now where she wanted kids soon! He is nowhere near wanting kids! He may be being a bit selfish, but he is at that point in his life where he needs to be...and so is the woman he is seeing.

I think the hang up about his family life is this. He's at an age where he still is selfish about what he wants and what he wants to do. I, for one, am thankful that there are still people in this world who do not want to have kids until they are ready to not be selfish anymore. You can't have children and still want to do for yourself and your S.O...children take up all your time. A selfish person will resent the child. I've seen it happen so many times.

Anyway, I can honestly see where your argument is coming from...I can. I guess in his case because he is 'hung up' on her age thing...well...he won't be able to get past it. So...obviously this is not the right relationship for him.
 
Night Fly said:
Velvett...

That seemed a bit harsh on your part. He already stated that she was at the point in her life right now where she wanted kids soon! He is nowhere near wanting kids! He may be being a bit selfish, but he is at that point in his life where he needs to be...and so is the woman he is seeing.
Click to expand...


I may have missed that, if he stated that somewhere I didn't didn't see it. I only saw the part where she left the ex because he didn't want to have kids. Does that automatically mean she's ready to have kids with a guy she hooks up with after a short period of time?

By the way men have been known to tell women when they don't have the nerve to tell them that *it's over* - easy way out and he remains the good guy.

For anyone to assume that when a woman is in her mid thirties that's she desparate to get married and make babies that's simply ignorant and unfair.

That said, if you have a goal in your life and you meet someone that will not fit into that goal and you are not willing to alter it - why start something that you can't finish?

I may be harsh to point that out but I'll be damned if the concept is incorrect.
 
Bro,
I was in the same EXACT situation that you are in except that I am 26 and my GF is 39. When we first started dating the age thing bothered us both and we were pondering for weeks whether we could have a future together or not. We both don't want children so that was a plus for us. But if you are intent in having a family then this is definitely not the relationship for you EVEN though you were extremely compatible.
Well me and my GF decided just to take the relationship day to day and just let things happen. Well 7 months later and we are still dating and we are in love. Things couldn't be better and she is everything I am looking for in a companion.
I still can't believe we are so compatible despite our age difference. And if you are worried about how she will look when she is 45 or 50 as long as she works out and takes care of herself she will always look younger. And there's also Botex, Plastic surgery, etc, etc. etc. My GF is constantly in the gym and her body will blow any 25 yr olds away. Shit look at Demi Moore and Heather Locklear. Both in their 40's and they look like they are 30. Amazing!

Good luck with your final decision but follow your gut instincts.
 
velvett said:


That said, if you have a goal in your life and you meet someone that will not fit into that goal and you are not willing to alter it - why start something that you can't finish?

I may be harsh to point that out but I'll be damned if the concept is incorrect.
Click to expand...

If the main reason this woman left her husband in the first place was because he didn't want kids, her actions fly in the face of what you just said. Why did she marry him in the first place if she knew he didn't want kids? Doesn't that suggest immaturity on her part.

Stone cold is trying to avoid that very situation from happening to him by planning, which is something more people should do.
 
vinylgroover said:


If the main reason this woman left her husband in the first place was because he didn't want kids, her actions fly in the face of what you just said. Why did she marry him in the first place if she knew he didn't want kids? Doesn't that suggest immaturity on her part.

Stone cold is trying to avoid that very situation from happening to him by planning, which is something more people should do.
Click to expand...


Maybe he didn't want HER kids?


Why start dating someone 9 years older than yourself if you already know you want to start a family not sooner than 5 years from now?

Same thing, no?

Or was the *gee, how old are you?* not a 1st date question?

Unless of course you're just looking for sex and you by accident fell for this person, equally as immature.
 
One more thought (and then I'll shut the hell up)

An IMPLIED concept, via thought, assumption or previous action is NOT the equivalent to an ACTUAL statement of future action.
 
another thing don't analyze her.........

or compare her to other women.......just enjoy the time, and the sex, or love making whatever you want to call it,

you will both teach each other alot ......have fun!!!!:D
 
velvett said:



Maybe he didn't want HER kids?


Why start dating someone 9 years older than yourself if you already know you want to start a family not sooner than 5 years from now?

Same thing, no?

Or was the *gee, how old are you?* not a 1st date question?

Unless of course you're just looking for sex and you by accident fell for this person, equally as immature.
Click to expand...



She should have thought the same thing before dating him. Is a guy of 25 ready to have children yet? hmmmm, chances are he's not......maybe i shouldn't go out with him. If you accuse him of being immature then the same should apply to the woman in this situation.

To assume that because someone is 35 they are mature is a ridiculous assertion. I have met many woman in their 30's and 40's as i'm sure you've met men, whose immaturity is astounding.

The fact he is thinking about these things would suggest a level of maturity in my books, regardless of whether he thought about it initially or not. The more immature thing to do would be to get swepped up by emotion and 'love' and marry her and then realise it's not what he wanted.
 
You are completely missing my point Vinylgroover and perhaps that's my own fault.

AGE - years on earth has little to do with where in your life you are and what you are ready for in life.

To assume that a 30 something woman just wants and is ready for marriage and babies is ignorant, as ignorant as a man putting a # to when he KNOWS he will be ready for such commitments.

It seems to be you want to make this a male vs. female thing and it's not. Both he and she should have known what they were getting into. By this thread it is pretty clear that they know that there is a potential problem in the future of their relationship.

The only point I want to stress that AGE does not predict want someone needs and wants regardless of sex.
 
If you've followed any of my 2300 posts here you'd know i don't get into that female bashing rubbish that goes on around here..... it doesn't interest me.

I probably am guilty of missing your point and i do agree with age having nothing to do with being a predictor of future behaviour.

I just think you were a little harsh in dismissing his behaviour as immature. He has obviously had discussions with her, i don't think what he has said here are all his assumptions based on generalisations as regard to her wanting to have kids immediately. I mean they have obviously talked.........enough for him to realise that maybe it's not the right situation for him and they are obviously now bringing the issues into the open.

As someone who will be entering the 3's in a matter of months, i am only too aware of how i would feel if i was being judged solely on my age.
 
vinylgroover said:
I just think you were a little harsh in dismissing his behaviour as immature.
Click to expand...

Actually I don't there was any immaturity quite frankly, i was just responding to your comment of:

Why did she marry him in the first place if she knew he didn't want kids? Doesn't that suggest immaturity on her part.
Click to expand...

You nor I know for fact that she knew he didn't want kids and there are many cases where when you first marry you think you want things, then times passes and you find out you really don't. Then there are more unfortunately cases where you find out that the future of a relationship is lacking and the *I don't want what you want* comes into play.

Either way, it sucks to jive with someone and you realize you can't or won'tlet yourself be them for whatever the reason may be.
 
wow i can't believe how much attention this is getting. this could be saving me hundreds of dollars in psycho-therapy fees!!! :)

some clarification:

when this woman got married, her husband told her he wanted kids. he then kept putting if off apparently, and eventually told her he didn't want kids. i think this was kind of the final straw. he had already been caught cheating on her. the poor girl... she talks about having wasted so many years and it makes me so sad...

the real dilemma is this: she DOES want kids... and if she's going to have them, better sooner than later. I ALSO want kids, but i KNOW for a fact i'm not even close to being ready. I'm still taking care of myself. I'm not ready to care for a helpless human being. By the time I AM ready, she may not want to have kids at her age, or may not even be able.

i went to her place and talked to her about it. we had already traded e-mails where i told her my stance. i asked her tonight if i said anything in those e-mails that came as a shock, or if everything had already occurred to her. she admitted that she'd already thought about everything i said. to see the look on her face when she thought i was saying i didn't want to be with her was like someone stabbing an icepick into my soul.

things are only further complicated by the fact that i'm leaving in two months to play football, and my future for the next 5 years while I pursue my pro career is as far from solid as can be. I could conceivably not live in the same place twice during the next 5 years.

having said all that, she still continues to amaze and astonish me with her astuteness, spiritual awareness, and depth of love. there is no way i can be in the same state as her and not be with her. god help me.
 
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