For whatever reason, I can't NOT write this.
I feel that if I keep my emotions bottled up for any longer I will
explode. The feeling is difficult to describe, but it is torture.
Some people would say nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess I am
using that principle as part of my excuse for writing. I feel that if
I don't say anything, how are you to know how I feel, who else would
be to blame for my situation now except for myself.
Its been over 4 months now since our relationship ended. Had someone
asked me in June how I'd be feeling now I would have guessed I'd be
long recovered, moved on with life, looking forward to exciting new
experiences.
Instead I find my thoughts constantly shifting to you. I think about
what an amazing person you are, I think about how happy I was to be
with you, how proud I was to call you my girlfriend, and how much
exciting I had when I thought of our future.
Our 21 months together were good, even great, we shared a lot of
things, did a lot of growing together, had some tough times, but
overall some really enjoyable times. I had always thought, and still
somehow hope, that those first 21 months were just the tip of the
iceberg when it comes to "us," those were the first couple of years
where we were close, but didn't know each other quite completely yet.
I'd like to be able to get to know you like no one else ever has.
We had a few rough spots, a few challenging times. Times where there
were doubts or questions. I felt that after every rough spot we had,
every tough time we talked though, that we both emerged stronger and
close then we were before. That ever difficult hurdle we faced just
bonded us together and tested our strength. I hope and pray that
these 4 months apart have just been yet another one of those hurdles,
those tests that life throw at people, to really make people question
themselves and their relationships.
I'm not into playing games, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or
not supposed to do, supposed to say or not supposed to say. I know I
can't really control what I think very effectively, or what I feel. I
also know you can't either. I know we had a fire burning once, a
passion, something that started small, started as nothing, and then
grew and grew and grew. We started out just emailing each other, long
before we had ever met face to face. You were nothing but words in an
email and a PH picture one summer. Then we met, became friends, not
close friends, but someone who I enjoyed talking to, enjoyed seeing
occasionally, someone I definitely valued having in my life. From
there things continued to grow, first hooking up, I was the fortunate
recipient of a drunken dial I will to this day cherish, then more
hooking up, some uncertainty, but I think we both knew in the back of
our heads that something felt different about being with this person.
There was a base level of comfort, then a layer of excitment, and then
top that off with some anticipation and hope for the future and you
had a couple that simple "worked".. I can't think of how else to say
it. I know we both looked at our other single friends many times and
were so thankful of what we had, that we didn't have to go through all
the heartache, the drama, uncertainty. Then came the love, I was
slow to admit it, as I always am, because its a scary thing. I don't
give my heart to anyone easily, lucky for me you took the initiative,
and one night, as I held you in my arms, you told me you loved me... I
said "you do?" when in my head I was screaming back "I LOVE YOU."
Ok so enough of the idealistic crap.
I'm a smart guy, you are a smart girl. We both know what we are
feeling and what we are not feeling, we both know when something feels
good, or bad, right, or wrong.
Somewhere along the way bigger doubts arose in yor head. I'm not
exactly sure why, I know that some of them have to stem from me, or
the relationshop, but that others stemmed from your current situation,
your place in life at this particular time. Bad timing? maybe. Bad
luck? Sure, if there is such a thing as luck. We use luck to explain
what we can't explain.
So for whatever reason, the feelings started to fade, or die, or wane,
or whatever you'd like to say to descibe it. It sucks. It sucks
being with someone but not feeling that excitement that you once felt.
It sucks because you WANT so badly to feel it but for whatever reason
its not there, and no matter how hard you try or how badly you want it
you can't force it.
Just as no matter how hard I try to invoke some feeling in you, or how
badly I'd love to have you in my life, I can't force it.
I'm just communicating to you my thoughts, my feelings, wishes,
desires. Not trying to force anything, but hoping in some way that it
does evoke some type of emotion, trigger some feeling. Or maybe you
have had your doubts, or thoughts, or wants.. and for whatever reason
we haven't been in the position to talk about them... I know that's
a long shot, but I'm considering every possibility.
I'm also considering the posibility that you feel like a great burden
has been lifted, that you are loving life now like you never have
before. That the new found freedom is awesome and you are taking
advantage of every minute of it. That you look back on our time
together with fondness, however it was just an experience, one of many
experiences that have shaped you into who you are and collectively
make up the person you are today.
I know what its like to feel that need for freedom. To want to know
what its out there, to have new experiences, to really feel like you
have lived life to its fullest and experienced everything that is has
to offer.
I want you to be able to have that Ssrah, I want you to have all kinds
of fun experiences and adventures, to really be fulfilled in life, on
all levels. And for that, I do not blame you one bit.
Having said that, through my experience, and I do have a couple of
years of experience on you, I've also realized a couple things. I
make friends easily, as do you, but I connect on a REAL level with
very few. Again I'm getting into territory that I can't quite explain
fully, but its a feeling that you know when you've found it. When
you've found someone you can be yourself with, someone you are
completely comfortable with, someone who you not only love, but who
makes you love YOURSELF as the same time.
Also, no person, and no relationship is perfect. I wasn't the best
person I could h ave been at all times to you, and I don't know if it
would have been possible to do, so its not worth splitting hairs over.
I do believe that you and I could be better, and that the potential
was always there, it was just a matter of us getting there. I always
felt that we would get there, which is why I don't think I really
stressed or worried about things too much. I felt like every day with
you was better then the next and at that rate the future was poised to
be incredble... full of hope, promise, and joy.
I told you not to contact me and I have withheld contact from you, not
to be an asshole, not because I was trying to get even or play games,
but simply because everytime I was reminded of you it hurt, it
reminded me of the loss, it took me back to that day in the car when
you asked me to come inside because you wanted to talk to me about
something. I couldn't live that way, I needed to "move on" to get
over things. But as evidenced by this email, I apparently haven't
been doing a very good job at that.
But is it because I'm fucke dup? I'm hung up? I can't move on, I
can't get over things, I am too emtional? At first that was my line
of thinking, but more recently I've started to believe something a
little different. I've started to believe that I found someone
incredibly special in you Sarah, and these feelings are my heart's way
of telling me that, and its say to not let go, to fight with
everything you've got to win this girl's heart because SHE IS WORTH
IT. Life throws eveyoe challeneges, big and small, and you can just
take things as they come, or you can be an active participant in your
own life. I'm attempting to do that now, I'm attempting to let you
know exactly how much you mean to me and how important I really think
you are.
It saddens me to think that you may be reading this and feeling sorry
for me, or that it make have little or no effect on you. because I
know there was one point during our time together where an outpouring
of feelins like this from either one of us would have made the other
overflow with joy, serve as a reminder of why we have devoted so much
time to each other.
I've been doing a lot of what people call soul searching, reflecting
back on myself, and us. As i said, I think there are things that I
could improve, I'm not saying I want to just get you back and go back
to being status quo, continuing on as if nothing happened. I think
you know me well enough to know that for me, sometimes my initial
reaction and thoughts on something aren't what I ultimately come to
hold as truth or a belief. This is definitely one of those cases.
I also understand that for whatever reason, timing just might not be
right. I have no clue what else you have going on in your life right
now, but I'm hoping, and I mean this, that you have had a chance to
experience some new things, and if you haven't, then yo definitely
need that chance to do so. I felt compelled to write because I cannot
stand this feeling of just being left out, like my time of usefulness
has ended and its on to bigger and better things. When I think of
bigger and better things in life, I think of you. With you I truly
felt I had found someone that I could continue to grow with, someone
who complimented me as a person, and who I did the same for.
So what exactly is the point of this, I can't say specifically, or
maybe I am just too afraid to say specifically. But I'd love to be
able to re-open lines of communication with you, to get to know you
once again. I'd love to take you out to dinner and talk, to hold you.
I'd like to know what your thoughts are now, 4 months later. You
never know what the future holds, but I'm sure you have an idea of
what you do and don't want. Does anything I have said make any
difference to you?
Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
