You know what, I finally realize that I am going to be fine.
I'm just going post part of what I wrote her...because I got a lot out of reading it-- it's almost like someone else wrote it.
"Even if you're not lifting that much, pushing your body beyond
it's limits is empowering. It's a HEALTHY way of overpowering your body. Like when you feel powerful from not eating-- but instead you're pushing through the burn and gaining strength. And when you go in a week or so later and put 10 more pounds on, you get a smile on your face and think I DID THIS. Nobody else. It was me. Me pushing, me feeding myself. My progress is MINE MINE MINE. Hehe.
There is just so much info to find on elite and everyone is willing to bend over backwards to offer an ear, to offer support, stories of their experiences, encouragement, etc. You can hop on and tell everyone that you're feeling better, seeing results (though not usually as fast as we'd like...but building tissue is a slow process and takes a lot of inner patience and strength), and get a rush of support.
You're a smart woman. You aren't stupid. You don't need a lecture. You may appreciate some guidance but YOU are in
control of your life. You get to call the shots. You get to decide what to eat, when to lift, when to do cardio. You get to decide what's best for you. And you'll slip up. We all do. And you get to choose if you want to lay face down on the ground, quit living, and mope about how much life blows sometimes and how weak you feel, or you can get up, brush yourself up, forgive yourself, and move on. That's your call. You can't do it for anyone else. Nobody can make you do it.
You have to come to the point where you're just sick of the BS, sick of the sickness, sick of the lack of energy. Sick of the sore throats, the marks on your hands. Sick of feeling down. Sick of not living your life. Sick of not being in control. Sick of everything. Once you come to that point you choose. You choose to fight your body or fight for it. Neither I nor anyone else can do that for you. You decide to let go to the pro-ed stuff, you decide to withdraw from unhealthy relationships, you choose to start over.
Then you read. You read every fucking thing you can find about what you need to do. You find people who are willing to jump for joy for every moment of progress you make. You need to find people who will listen, who will gently advise, who will give you a loving kick in the ass when you're not doing what you need to do. You look at pictures of healthy women. You realize how hard they work and that you're a whole hell of a lot stronger than you think you are. You find inspiring posts. You print them and read
them until you believe them. You try to accept yourself and realize that nobody is perfect that very few are really content with how they look.
You realize that you aren't other people can don't need to be other people. You are NEVER going to see a # on a scale or slide into a pair of size ABC sized jeans and suddenly find contentment. It's not fucking going to happen. Flat out. The # is NEVER low enough...and the # is not about #'s. The #'s are worthless goals. They mean nothing. They are not about #'s...they are about insecurity. They are about discomfort with who you are or how you feel. Wearing a size 2 doesn't mean that you love yourself and your problems go away.
You're more than a damn number. You can't numerically judge your life. You'll never ever ever ever ever be happy if you judge it like that. You appreciate the little things-- 3 green lights in a row on your morning commute, having someone who loves you next to you when you get up in the morning, having a couple of real friends. You stop noticing those things when the focus is on #'s.
And I'm not recovered and I'm not sure I ever will be. I'm not sure if the feeling of wanting to purge will ever go away. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at total peace with myself. But I'm tired of trashing my body and my life. I'm sick of being sick. I don't want that identity. I want to be strong. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be healthy enough to actually live my life. I want to go out to dinner, eat a damn steak, and not feel guilty. I don't want to waste my money paying for food that I don't let myself digest. I don't want to be a size 2. I want to look healthy. I want a tight tummy. I want to see some muscle on my arms. I want to drop the fat and look like one buff ass powerful healthy woman. And
I don't give a damn if some people aren't attracted to that. I'll
find people who are. I don't want to conform to some unrealistic sickly image and kill myself along the way in hopes of pleasing others and myself. That's BS. I want to be a Katie. I don't need to be anything else."
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