New Poll: Your Worst Sex Story!!!

[deejay10]

Okay, I'm sitting here reading all the online "flirting" that's going on, and I can't help but think that you all are just as promiscous as I am. So it got me thinking "I wonder if everyone out there has a sex story as rotten as mine". It's nothing to be embarassed about, it happens to everyone.....I'll start it off and we'll see how many we get:

Here goes....

I had just turned 19 and had finally moved out of the parents house and gotten an apartment of my own. Everything was going great, the summer here in Nova Scotia, Canada was crazy hot, my workouts were going great. I was tanned, my gym workouts were paying off huge and I was on the prowl for some women.

I went to a party one night and saw a georgeous girl sitting on the couch, by herself with a really sad look on her face. I put on my best "sympathic caring" mask and went over and talked to her (hoping I could take advantage of her in what appeared to be a vulnerable stage......come on, you would've done it too....she was smokin hot!!) So we started chatting and she was complaining about how her and her boyfriend had just broken up and a buch of other shit I don't really remember......then I asked her if she wanted to get out of the party and go for a walk (this line never usally works, but for some reason it did)

anywho....

We ended up going for a walk through a park that "just happenend" to be right beside my apartment. I asked her if she wanted to come up for some drinks and to my surprise (again) she said "yes"!!

So we polished off a few bottles of wine and started fooling around. Things were going great, she turned out to be a lot more wild than I had expected and went from great to amazing when she went down on me!!! After she was done, she said that I had to return the favor. Well I jumped at the opertunity to do so. Now anyone who has "returned the favor before" knows that you don't just jump right eat and start munching you've gotta start at the ankles and work your way up......so I'm doin my thing, and she's lovilng it.....I'm working up the ankle, then to the calve, then to the thigh, then.......something hits my forhead. (no....she didn't have a cock) I had NO idea what it was, all I knew is that something wet and soft touched my forehead. I didn't know what to think, I was still a good 4 or 5 inches away from the promise land, I was terrified to move my face again......but I did. After I went up a little higher, it hit me again. After thinking about it for a second I realized what it was. This girl had pubic hair that must've been atleast 5 inches long and it was soaking wet. Well let me tell you, I was pretty grossed out. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and stayed in there for almost 3 hours. She eventually got the point that I wasn't coming back out and collected up her belongings and left.

To this day all my friends refer to it as the "Wet Seaweed Incident"

Beat that!!!

 

[MattTheSkywalker]

i was in panama city, 22 y/o

she was from arkansas, 30-something, two kids

on the beach, I was stinking drunk, nothing worked right, took forever, didn;t even know her name, I just called her "sandy".

 

[Ulcasterdropout]

omg....
this is BTS btw

 

[coverguy]

that is pretty fucked up, and i definitely can't top that.

that's pretty damn cold to just go to the bathroom and chill there for 3 hours, though!

 

[mdd]

hmmmm, mine have all been pretty cool

no diseases or nothing, so all success

you had wine in college? whats up with that???

 

[deejay10]

hmmmm, mine have all been pretty cool

no diseases or nothing, so all success

you had wine in college? whats up with that???

You've always got to have Red Wine on.....any girl will tell you that they get really horny on red wine.

I don't drink it ever, unless it's with another girl.

Now though I make sure they shave their box before I bust out any kind of alcohol.

 

[hardrock]

I didn't get any.

 

[GoldenDelicious]

i was in bed with a tall leggy blonde (woohoo!!) but i was upset about a recent ex, so i booted her out of bed halfway through

ok its not filthily disgusting or anything but hey...i dont have bad sex lol

 

[ChefWide]

.



My sex story from hell... still makes me shudder.



.

 

[RottenWillow]

I'm amazed this thread hasnt already been relocated.


Not my own worse ,but it was the guy's worse I bet. He was hitting it from behind and managed to smack his head on a nail in the wall above my headboard. I heard him scream like a girl all of a sudden and I was like "WTF?? what's your problem?"

 

[ChefWide]

I'm amazed this thread hasnt already been relocated.


Not my own worse ,but it was the guy's worse I bet. He was hitting it from behind and managed to smack his head on a nail in the wall above my headboard. I heard him scream like a girl all of a sudden and I was like "WTF?? what's your problem?"

On our first date not only did my wife to be vomit all over my bathroom right after she kneed me in the nuts, but whilest giving applogy head the next morning, she almost crushed my left against the mattress with her elbow.

I'll take the nail.

 

[RottenWillow]

On our first date not only did my wife to be vomit all over my bathroom right after she kneed me in the nuts, but whilest giving applogy head the next morning, she almost crushed my left against the mattress with her elbow.

oh honey I've squashed so many nuts I dont even think about that anyone. I remember one dude got up and soaked in a warm bath for about 1/2 hour I got him so bad.

 

[Rex]

True story I swear.

Labor day weekend I went home, but instead of driving I caught a flight out of the local airport. I had a date set up for the weekend and was supposed to catch either one or both of the Phillies games that weekend. Date wound up getting cancelled b/c she had work, and I fell asleep 2 hours before each game and woke up after they ended. Weekend was a bust and I was ready to leave.

After I connect to my 2nd flight I get on and realize I'm in the wrong seat, one row back than I should've been. I jump up to my regular seat and a pretty attractive woman was sitting next me. We shoot the random bullshit, and she mentions shes a flight attendant for the int'l flights. I'm thinking to myself if I have any chance at getting in this woman's pants I have 50 minutes [flight was only that long] to do it. I ask several questions about her work, and then ask "Do they give you cabs to the hotel or do they send drivers?" She tells me she'll wind up taking a cab. <cue easy in> I offer to drive her since my car is at the airport. I drive her to the hotel, help her with her bags and ask the manager [who happened to be a midget] if the bar was open. It is so the flight attendant offers to buy me a beer.

We sit in the bar with her co-workers and drink for about 3-4 hours with her buying all my drinks b/c I was so nice. Turns out one of her co-workers is from Ireland and told me some IRA stories. The bar closes, and we go upstairs to the one person's room to drink some more. We ran out so me and the flight attendant woman offer to go get beer. We go outside to wait for the cab, but start going at it outside, say fuck the beer, and go back to her room and fucked for a good portion of the night. Next day Rex goes his way.


Sorry it didn't meet the criteria for worst sex story.

 

[GoldenDelicious]

On our first date not only did my wife to be vomit all over my bathroom right after she kneed me in the nuts, but whilest giving applogy head the next morning, she almost crushed my left against the mattress with her elbow.

I'll take the nail.

so what youre saying is, you dont believe in signs from above and all that

 

[GoldenDelicious]

.
My sex story from hell... still makes me shudder.
.

that was possibly the most amusing thing i have read on EF

 

[ChefWide]

so what youre saying is, you dont believe in signs from above and all that

Lets just say I am .. STUPID?

Funny thing: while I am frothing at the mouth, eyes rolled back into my scull and rocking back and forth praying to Jehobus to let my Nut decend back out of my chest cavity... her mother calls my appartment.

the HORROR! I anwer the phone grunting and cursing like drunken sailor and it's this girl i just degraded 47 ways to sunday's MOM.

 

[Carmen]

i don't have any stories i'm willing to share, but i do have one from a former friend...

this woman was dating someone and expected to be having anal that evening for the first time with him.
i guess to be on the safe side, she gave herself not one, but TWO enemas, although, nothing came back out so she wasn't sure if she did it right.
fast forward to that evening and they are going at it, when she hears him say OHMYGOD!!!!
She looked back and apparently, all the fluid she had injected herself with was now coming back out... brown, and he was COVERED in it. she said, from his stomach down to his SOCKS (which i guess he still had on).

 

[ChefWide]

i don't have any stories i'm willing to share, but i do have one from a former friend...

this woman was dating someone and expected to be having anal that evening for the first time with him.
i guess to be on the safe side, she gave herself not one, but TWO enemas, although, nothing came back out so she wasn't sure if she did it right.
fast forward to that evening and they are going at it, when she hears him say OHMYGOD!!!!
She looked back and apparently, all the fluid she had injected herself with was now coming back out... brown, and he was COVERED in it. she said, from his stomach down to his SOCKS (which i guess he still had on).

Best diet saving post ever. That bowl of shrimp salad I was about to hammer? No can do, pardner.

 

[alien amp pharm]

I brought a chick back from the club one night when I was fairly young. We stayed at my buddies house, but he had 3 roommates occupying the bedrooms. Drunken people were passed out on the couches and stuff so we had to sleep on the floor. The only place where people weren't around was the carpet at the top of the stairs leading to the basement.

There was no door leading downstairs. Well we start making out and then get into it heavily. It's dark so I can't see shit. Just as I'm about to pull my cock out of her and stand up to shoot it all over her I stepped back.......to the stairs and fall back about 8 feet down towards the basement.

Funny now that I think about it.

 

[Carmen]

Best diet saving post ever. That bowl of shrimp salad I was about to hammer? No can do, pardner.

i'm glad i could help.
i actually have another one from a different friend.

When she was single, she worked at a big company and used to chat with a guy from another office every day. it got heated and they were to be at the same city for some company meeting.
that night they went out to dinner and ended up back in his hotel room, with her giving him head while she was on her knees.
UNBEKNOWNST to him... she decided to insert her finger in his butt.
not expecting it, he bucked forward.
her gag reflex kicking in, she promptly puked on him.

 

[milo hobgoblin]

LOLsuagrplum.. fucking hilarious.

 

[alien amp pharm]

Ok, not sex related but still funny....

A female friend of mine that sometimes spends the night (we don't have sex but she sleeps with me sometimes) came over one night and she had a skirt on. She wanted to change clothes into something easier to sleep in so I told her to go get whatever out of my bedroom to wear. She came back with one of my T-shirts and a pair of my boxers.

Now these boxers are what you would call a "cum rag" to clean up after my furious masturbation sessions. I don't think I had washed them in like 2 years, lol.
I could only imagine the crusty all over them.

She never said anything and I was too embarrassed too.

 

[RottenWillow]

Now these boxers are what you would call a "cum rag" to clean up after my furious masturbation sessions. I don't think I had washed them in like 2 years, lol.
I could only imagine the crusty all over them.

Hey maybe you'll wind up a daddy though!

 

[alien amp pharm]

Hey maybe you'll wind up a daddy though!

That would be my luck....pregnant without even getting any poontang, lol.

 

[jh1]

Ok, not sex related but still funny....

A female friend of mine that sometimes spends the night (we don't have sex but she sleeps with me sometimes) came over one night and she had a skirt on. She wanted to change clothes into something easier to sleep in so I told her to go get whatever out of my bedroom to wear. She came back with one of my T-shirts and a pair of my boxers.

Now these boxers are what you would call a "cum rag" to clean up after my furious masturbation sessions. I don't think I had washed them in like 2 years, lol.
I could only imagine the crusty all over them.

She never said anything and I was too embarrassed too.

OMFG... you really are nothing more than an older version of flyxgel...

JEEEZUZ..... you sleep with girls that you aren't nailing?

Somebody HELP THIS DUDE!

 

[alien amp pharm]

OMFG... you really are nothing more than an older version of flyxgel...

JEEEZUZ..... you sleep with girls that you aren't nailing?

Somebody HELP THIS DUDE!

Not ones I've been friends with for years.

and FYI I use to tag this one a long time ago. So take that!

 

[GoldenDelicious]

Lets just say I am .. STUPID?

Funny thing: while I am frothing at the mouth, eyes rolled back into my scull and rocking back and forth praying to Jehobus to let my Nut decend back out of my chest cavity... her mother calls my appartment.

the HORROR! I anwer the phone grunting and cursing like drunken sailor and it's this girl i just degraded 47 ways to sunday's MOM.

lol youre a sucker, but it seems to have worked out well...except for that ban on a certain male on female act...lol

anyhow im a huge believer in portents. i went out with a girl who had recently gone to a fortune teller - she was gorgeous - from northern greece, balkanish, with tilted almond shaped green cats eyes, a fabulous figure...anyway she was very nice anyway, i said, well, what did this fortune teller say? and she said "the fortune teller said taht i will get married to a guy (and she sort of described me...creepy) but he will die early in the marriage in a car wreck"

talk about anti-viagra! i almost said, in that pathetic little voice "but we can still screw...cant we?" lol but i thought nope, im getting the hell away from this voodoo chick before it kills me

anyway this whole thread has me picturing alien amp shooting cum all over the room, house, ceiling, everybody while falling backwards in slow motion just like that scene in "True Lies" where the woman drops the uzi and it srays everywhere killing everyone

 

[coverguy]

This didn't happen to me (a friend from both the Marines and College, actually) but it's really funny.

My boy was out at the bars with some of his frat brothers and had drank way too much. Anyways he started hitting on a girl that has ... lets say, eaten a few too many cheeseburgers. But, he wanted to get laid so he didn't care. Finally he takes her back to the frat house to get some lovin'. Supposedly, it was a little walk back to the house and this girl wasn't moving too quickly, and she wanted to stop for a slice of pizza. Finally, he gets her back to the house and starts getting busy. About 15-20 minutes into getting his groove on, his phone rings. Not wanting to stop, he let it ring. After several rings his machine picked up and the callers message was on speaker. He's hitting that shit doggy style when all of a sudden he hears, "Hey, XXXXXX, how'd it go with that undersexed sweathog? I know you were horny buddy, but who'd have thought you'd take home a fat pig like that. Did you find her pussy, or just fuck a flap? Anyways, i'm drunk, but at least i didn't sleep with a fatbitch!!!"

My boy said this girl was yelling, "What did he say? I'm not a pig! Do you think I'm a pig? Don't you think i'm sexy?"

Now me, I'd have gone limp at that moment, rolled over (laughing my ass off) and kicked the fatty out. But my boy, calmly says, "he's drunk and looking for my roommate who has the same name. Lets not let in ruin the mood." And goes back to tagging it. About 5 minutes later he nutted and then rushed her out the back door so none of his other friends saw her.

 

[HUCKLEBERRY FINNaplex]

Worst sex story?Every time I have sex with the wife.LOL

 

[Carmen]

Worst sex story?Every time I have sex with the wife.LOL

LOL.. yikes.

 

[Becoming]

Here is a funny one (not too bad) about my buddy in college - he did pretty well and as a result got "blacklisted" by a lot of the sororities on campus...

Anyways he is in bed with this chick and she tells him she doesn't want to have sex OR oral the first time - BUT she says they can get naked and fool around...

so they get naked, and he wants to bang her bad... so after a while he tells me he "takes his dong and puts it up against her leg/vagina) and asks her if she wants to do it" she says no - so they go back to fooling around... a little while later he does it again (puts it against her and asks her if she wants to do it)... again she says no...

repeat this scenario about 20 times that night, LOL

I can't remember exactly but I think he got no play... LOL...

 

[gonelifting]

Got my first blowjob at 16 years old by a 25 year old HOTTTTTTTTT as fuck woman. 9 or 10 seriously! Yes even now that I`m older she`s still hot, not because I was 16.

Anyway, We were outside in a public Ballfield at my highschool somewhere. After she swallowed she said "what`s your name" It was like a freaking porn movie, I swear.

We went to a nearby park and did it again. She kept telling me how deicious it was. lol I saw her a few times after that and I think she was married. Never banged her though. Every time I saw her, she would pick me up and park somewhere, blow me and ask me what I ate before hand because I tased so good. lmao That has always puzzled me.

It was cool.


That experience with the hottest chick ever telling me those things was a big confidence booster for a long time to come. Good times.

 

[GoldenDelicious]

um, gonelifting, this is the worst sex story thread, not the make goldendelicious cry thread

please fix it up

 

[ChefWide]

Got my first blowjob at 16 years old by a 25 year old HOTTTTTTTTT as fuck woman. 9 or 10 seriously! Yes even now that I`m older she`s still hot, not because I was 16.

Anyway, We were outside in a public Ballfield at my highschool somewhere. After she swallowed she said "what`s your name" It was like a freaking porn movie, I swear.

We went to a nearby park and did it again. She kept telling me how deicious it was. lol I saw her a few times after that and I think she was married. Never banged her though. Every time I saw her, she would pick me up and park somewhere, blow me and ask me what I ate before hand because I tased so good. lmao That has always puzzled me.

It was cool.


That experience with the hottest chick ever telling me those things was a big confidence booster for a long time to come. Good times.

I am not at all comfortable with getting a Demi Pudgeman while reading about you getting the wind blown out of your cuffs. Please have this thread deleted and JackDaniels applied to my bloodstream at once.
Thanks.

 

[deejay10]

I am not at all comfortable with getting a Demi Pudgeman while reading about you getting the wind blown out of your cuffs. Please have this thread deleted and JackDaniels applied to my bloodstream at once.
Thanks.

That's what all hot older women should do....drive around blowing guys to boost their confidence

I wish one of my buddies Mom's would've done that....

Great story...I guess you really can reflect on "the good ol' days"

 

[The Greatest]

here's a solid one.


The year was 1998 and I was pretty much playing the role of Auther Fonzerali. I was 21 years old going to community college driving a dope sports car picking up h.s. chicks. So I start dating one of the hottest cheerleaders in this particular High School. She had done some modeling for guess, 5'8 green eyes long blond hair a real jewish princess with money to boot.

So here we are into our second week of dating and I get the word from my mother (yes I was still living at home) that she will be out of town for the weekend. "Hot damn I thought this is great" so we end up back at my house and I am like an artist on this very prude 18 year old hotty. She was strickly against sex because I was not jewish but she loved to be eating out. So there we are on my twin size bed, the bed I had grown up on my whole life. All 5'8 of her sprawled out, legs in the air panties on the floor. Now I am going at it like a dog who hasn't eatin in days, my shirt is off and she is moaning in pleasure. I also carelessly left the door to my room open.

Like I jedi knight I sense a motion out of the corner of my eye. As I turn my worst fears begin to manafest, there is my mother watching me perform my majic on this young lady, a girl she had never met btw. As I turn in horror the young cheerleaders legs are still thrust in the air. My mom decides to go downstairs. The girl is mortified, I slowly walk the dance of shame and go downstairs. I see my mom fixing something to eat, "she asks me is was that her ass in the air?" clearly this is something I wished to never her from my mothers lips. I contuined to date this girl for 8 months but needless to say she and my mom never got along.

 

[hardrock]

here's a solid one.


The year was 1998 and I was pretty much playing the role of Auther Fonzerali. I was 21 years old going to community college driving a dope sports car picking up h.s. chicks. So I start dating one of the hottest cheerleaders in this particular High School. She had done some modeling for guess, 5'8 green eyes long blond hair a real jewish princess with money to boot.

So here we are into our second week of dating and I get the word from my mother (yes I was still living at home) that she will be out of town for the weekend. "Hot damn I thought this is great" so we end up back at my house and I am like an artist on this very prude 18 year old hotty. She was strickly against sex because I was not jewish but she loved to be eating out. So there we are on my twin size bed, the bed I had grown up on my whole life. All 5'8 of her sprawled out, legs in the air panties on the floor. Now I am going at it like a dog who hasn't eatin in days, my shirt is off and she is moaning in pleasure. I also carelessly left the door to my room open.

Like I jedi knight I sense a motion out of the corner of my eye. As I turn my worst fears begin to manafest, there is my mother watching me perform my majic on this young lady, a girl she had never met btw. As I turn in horror the young cheerleaders legs are still thrust in the air. My mom decides to go downstairs. The girl is mortified, I slowly walk the dance of shame and go downstairs. I see my mom fixing something to eat, "she asks me is was that her ass in the air?" clearly this is something I wished to never her from my mothers lips. I contuined to date this girl for 8 months but needless to say she and my mom never got along.

So how long till ya nailed her?

 

[The Greatest]

So how long till ya nailed her?

never got the opportunity. She remained a virgin until her best guy friend had sex with her the summer after her freshman year at the umass. Real douchbag but he worked the friends angle for a long time, plus he was jewish.

I actually recieved alot of flack from people, since she was sort of an "it" girl in a small town. After we broke up the first question was always "did you hit that shit". lol no.