Love is grand.
I loved my ex husband as I have loved no other.....and perhaps never will again.
The man who is now in my life is so much more than JUST a lover. We did start out as friends. He comforted me, made me laugh, put my darkest fears to rest and never asked for ANYTHING in return. Do I love him? Yes, I can honestly say that I do....as much as I am capable at this moment in my life.
When I was so much younger, I had so many hopes and dreams that I shared with my ex. I thought that my love would be enough for the both of us. He did love me as best as he could, I suppose. But in the end it was not enough. He never returned my sincere, trusting, faithful affection and respect. One day, the well ran dry.
Now I don't even know what my hopes and dreams are. I am no longer angry that I made such mistakes in my early twenties, but still I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have been torn down for so long, that I am afraid to even DREAM that I could ever be all that I had hoped I could become.....
My man is so kind and gentle, yet strong and protective. He only wants what is best for me. He is supportive of me REGARDLESS of what path I choose. When I start to despair and turn into a chicken shit, he kicks my ass and helps me to believe in myself again. When I get angry that my life is soooooo not what I thought it would be oh so many years ago.....he tells me to hit the gym and take out my anger on the weights - NOT MYSELF and CERTAINLY NOT MY CHILDREN. When there is something positive in my life and I talk it down because I am afraid to even TRY to succeed, he is like a one man cheerleading team, blowing air up my gymshorts (not FALSE PRAISE) by reminding me of all that is good in my life and just far I have come. When I am terrified that EVERYTHING will turn to shit and that I should just throw in the towel and run away, he comforts me and makes me feel ten feet tall and that I can DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO.
I truly have come so far, but I still have so far to go. Our circumstances are odd and though we are drawn to each other as (I believe) we have never been drawn to others, there are so many factors that are so much more important than just what WE ALONE WANT (children, family, work, education). So we must be (he is soooooo much more patient than I, tee-hee) patient and just let things happen, take care of our personal business and cherish the time that we CAN spend together.
Do I love him? Yes, with those parts of my heart that are capable of loving again...yes, I do. Perhaps, there will be a time in the future when my heart will be healed and I will no longer be terrified to give it all; where I will be capable of loving with all that I am. He is THAT wonderful, that he deserves nothing less than my entire heart and soul.
My hopes and dreams for the future?...that I can and will continue to be the kind of mother that my daughters can respect and do DESERVE because they are THAT amazing and that I can give all of myself once again, my body, my soul, every fiber of my being to this man....because he is truly THAT wonderful.....and that is no BS, only gospel truth.