Ladies, please help me with this relationship dilemma...

[PinkPanther]

Ok, so I started dating this guy last March. I had just gotten out of an almost two year relationship about a month and a half before I started dating him. Things were really good. He treated me awesom, we always had a lot of fun together. However, things seemed to move pretty fast. We were already saying I love you after a short amount of time, like every weekend I was driving about 2 hours to see him. I totally neglected my life where I live, and after a while it totally started to wear on me. After about 10 1/2 months, one week, I just started getting this feeling that something wasn't right. I was staying home for the weekend because it was a friend of mine's birthday and my boyfriend didn't come down to go to the party with me. After going to the party and having a really good time solo, I starting thinking twice about my relationship. I thought maybe it was just emotional stuff from my "womanly time" coming up, so I decided to give it a week or so and see how I felt. Well, after about two weeks of feeling really unsure about everything, my boyfriend and I finally sat down and had a talk. He could tell that something had been bothering me, but I just kept telling him that I was having "a week." I just told him that I felt like we were going in seperate directions. He lives in a small town, and would more than likely like to stay living in a smaller town. I, on the other hand, have been living in the city for about 5 years, and really don't have any urge to leave and live in a small town. I am planning on going to grad school soon, so that will also take up a lot of time and keep me here. There are a lot of things that we don't have in common. Some examples: for one, he's not into fitness or working out at all. He had tried to get into it for a while, but he's not very motivated. It's hard for me to be with someone totally not into it, when lifting and being healthy is a huge part of my life. He's into all the "up north" types of things like racing, hunting, snowmobiling, etc. I could really care less about any of that. We don't really seem to have a whole lot in common when it comes to where to live and how to spend the weekends. I did most of the driving to go and see him and he always would say how much he hated the city where I live. It got really old to always be back in my home-town every weekend. If that's what I wanted, I never would have moved away, ya know? It just kinda seemed like he didn't quite fit into my life here. Then there's my cats. I have two wonderful cats whom I love dearly. He, however hates cats. He was never mean to them, but he never showed any interest in them and would make comments about his serious dislike for them. I didn't like that one bit. He is also a bit closed-minded when it comes to people with different lifestyles/races. He's a bit more openly opinionated about these things than I like and it's hard for me to accept that.

Now, after saying all the negative stuff, I have to say, this guy has treated me SO good in the 11 months that we dated. He would always call me in the morning to tell me to have a good day, he would always be there whenever I needed him. I know he would make sure that I always had whatever I wanted, be it material things or just if I wanted to do something during a weekend (even though he may do some grumbling!!). He would always tell me how beautiful I am and how he was the luckiest guy in the world. How I am the best thing that ever happend to him and he wouldn't know what to do without me.

It has been about a month and a half now and we are pretty much broken up. In that time, we have gone out to dinner once, and talked on the phone like two or three times. I don't know that I miss him as much as I should if he was "the one." I just think that if he was, I would be completely miserable without him and I wouldn't be thinking of trying to find someone else. I know that he is taking it all really hard and I feel horrible.

I guess my question is, how do I know if I am making the right decision on being apart from him? I feel so bad because I don't want to hurt him. He didn't do anything wrong. We never once got into a fight. Granted we had one or two disagreements, but that's nothing. I just hate knowing that he's so upset over everything and I really don't know how upset I am about it...

Any insight or opinions on this would be greatly appreciated...

Thanks so much!!
PinkPanther

 

[Shak]

I don't know that I miss him as much as I should if he was "the one." I just think that if he was, I would be completely miserable without him and I wouldn't be thinking of trying to find someone else.

I think you answered your own questions. That's great that he treats you well, he should! But if your feelings aren't there, you can't force them just because he's nice to you.

I was in a relationship for 6 years. It began my senior year in high school. We had an off again/on again relationship, so during that time, I did date other people for short periods. But, I always ended up back with him. When the relationship was finally over, I decided to remain single for awhile. It was a great year in my life!! I focused completely on myself, had a great time with friends, and really learned who I was completely independent of a relationship. So, when I met my current boyfriend, I really knew who I was and what I wanted.

I think you should end things with this guy. Focus on yourself and your goals. Go to grad school, have fun with friends and enjoy being completely independent!! I think you'll regret it if you don't....

 

[velvett]

You have to love someone for their less attractive attributes as well as the positive ones. You liked the way he treated you and that's important and you should use that as a guideline for future relationships.

The issues you brought up - fitness, close-mindedness are the very things you may end up resenting each other for in future. When you're in the honeymoon phase of any relationship you tend to over look and flower over those things that bother you but you choose to ignore because everything else feels so good.

You have to really ask yourself if you had to choose all the things you mentioned – going to school, place of residence, type lifestyle would that cause conflict in your relationship? Would you compromise – could you both compromise or would one of you have to be passive about their feelings, is it worth it to you to even try?

Sometimes people need to grow on their own and maybe you may find each other again and perhaps you will both go on your separate ways but if you explain to him what you have explained to us it should be clear to him even if he consciously doesn’t see it yet.

 

[PinkPanther]

Hey Ladies,

Thank you both SO much for your input. I think I do need to be single for a while and do my own thing. It seems like there hasn't been much of my life where I haven't been with a boyfriend, so it is definitely something that I should do. I guess hearing it from you guys helped put that into perspective. Velvett, you totally hit it on the head when you made the point of "When you're in the honeymoon phase of any relationship you tend to over look and flower over those things that bother you but you choose to ignore because everything else feels so good." I guess that is really a lot of what I did. I would just overlook those things because that didnt' matter as much to me in the beginning. But, now that things were more serious, I have realized that they are a big deal. Also, I don't that I want to compromise any of my goals or preferences in my life...I guess I think that in a relationship, you shouldn't have to do that. Granted compromise is needed, but I don't think to that degree...I think you are right Shak that i would regret it someday...

 

[FitFossil]

I think you're making the right decision. Even though relationships are all about compromise, it sounds like there are too many differences between the two of you. Besides, it sounds like you're the one doing most of the compromising. You don't have to both like exactly the same things, but mutual respect is a must. Shared goals and values are very important. The same goes for lifestyle preferences like living in the city, pets, etc.

 

[PinkPanther]

Thank FitFossil, I think I am, too. I think the hard part is just going to be sitting down and telling him all these reasons. I'm just going to feel like I am saying all this negative stuff about him, but hopefully once he hears them, he will realize that we DO have a lot of things NOT in common.

Thanks again everyone...I feel a lot better just from reading your thoughts

 

[jenscats5]

Two questions:

1) Did he ever meet or be around the cats? How did the cats react to him?? I firmly believe that an animals reaction to a person shows truly what type of person they are. I have 3 cats & love them to death -- they are my babies!! My hubby doesn't really like cats either but he respects how I feel about them, takes care of them & made one he really likes (the old one) his baby so to speak. Basically, he made the effort cuz they are a part of my life....

2) Are you hoping he's the one or do you know he's the one?? Are you afraid of missing out if he was the one? Cuz you wouldn't be asking if you knew -- as in deep down inside knew he was the one. My hubby & I dated for only 2 months when I knew he was the one. But I knew it, really knew it, no questions or doubts.

The fact that you are questioning shows that this relationship may not be the right one for you. Plus the relationship cannot be one sided! You can't be expected to give up everything you love -- the city, kitties, fitness -- for him. Now, it's great to have separate interests, but when everything is different or not compatable, there can be problems....

 

[FitFossil]

... I think the hard part is just going to be sitting down and telling him all these reasons. I'm just going to feel like I am saying all this negative stuff about him, but hopefully once he hears them, he will realize that we DO have a lot of things NOT in common...

You can do it without saying anything negative about him. Pointing out his negatives could open the door for the "But I can change..." promise that would drag this out much longer and make it more painful for both of you.

Use the "it's not you, it's me" approach. Focus on his positives, and reassure him the reason you're breaking up is because you're not the right girl for him, and that he deserves the right girl because of his many good qualities.

When discussing your differences, be careful he doesn't get the impression you think his differences are worse than yours (even though some might be), just that you BOTH have differences that don't bode well for a future together. -

 

[PinkPanther]

Hey Ladies!! Thank so much for all this, I REALLY appreciate it. You have all helped me to look at things differently and figure some stuff out.

Jenscats, to answer your questions...1.) Yes, he did meet the cats several times. The first time he slept over at my place, one of my cats ended up sleeping on his chest, but then did the funny "affectionate" cat bite on his chin, and that about put him over the edge. After a couple of times, the cats stopped sleeping in my bed whenever he was sleeping over. They don't sleep with me all night, every night, but they didn't even come to wake me up in the morning. Plus, they would always be a little bit more skiddish when he was around. Towards the end, he started to try harder with them, but I don't know if it's because he could sense things going sour with the two of us. 2.) My mom brought up this same exact point. She said that if I am questioning whether or not he is the one, then he's probably not. At one point in our relationship, I really did think he was the one, but then after a while, I started questioning all the things based on all the things I have told you guys about. I think if he were more open to my life here in the city and not be so closed-minded about things, I would believe him to be the one still, but that's who he is, ya know?? I guess maybe he's just not the one for right now. Who knows, maybe some day we'll be back together, but for right now, I think we have too many differences that make it hard.

FitFossil, Thanks for pointing that out. I think the "it's not you, it's me" is a good approach. I never thought of doing it more like that. I definitely want to avoid the whole promises of change. I've done that in the past with other relationships, and it never ends up good. At least it hasn't ever for me!!

Thank you all SO VERY MUCH. I wish I could give you more karma, but I have to spread it around. I'll owe you...

Thanks Again,
PinkPanther

 

[Gymgurl]

I agree with the rest..you have made up your mind and he was not the right one if you are looking into long term things. I always tend to second guess my choices that I know are right, based on guilt about the other person. Don't give in just because you might feel guilty that he is hurting. If you handled it in an adult manner and told him just how you were feeling, you have done nothing wrong. He would have been hurt even farther down the line if you continued. Like fossil said...it's me, not you sums it up!! Hang in here!