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Ladies be honest
- Thread starter Werd
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Werd
New member
Everyone looks and no one answers...
I think you guys think I have some ulterior motive and I don't. I am trying to understand.
So many people say that part of the problem I have with guys is that I am not enough of a bitch, that I am too nice. I went out with a REALLY REALLY nice guy last night and it was like I saw the male version of me and I couldn't comprehend how a woman could be so cruel to a man. I always assumed that it was just men who were mean to nice girls...
I am trying so hard to figure shit out in my head...
I just don't understand why sometimes people are mean to each other. I am not talking about getting angry and in the heat of the moment calling someone an asshole. I am talking about just being truly mean, doing shit to another that would cause something within them to be "crushed"....
Seriously, I always thought that this was a guy doing it to girl thing. I am seriously just trying to understand because there is nothing like this in my nature.
The guy I went out with was sooooooooo nice that I was actually afraid to even see him again (I don't know if I will.) because I am afraid that I WILL hurt him. He really liked me and I get the sense that he will get attached too fast. I just want a friendship with a man just now, nothing more... but that is like the kiss of death for a guy to hear from a girl....
I dunno... it's late and I'm tired and rambling.
I think you guys think I have some ulterior motive and I don't. I am trying to understand.
So many people say that part of the problem I have with guys is that I am not enough of a bitch, that I am too nice. I went out with a REALLY REALLY nice guy last night and it was like I saw the male version of me and I couldn't comprehend how a woman could be so cruel to a man. I always assumed that it was just men who were mean to nice girls...
I am trying so hard to figure shit out in my head...
I just don't understand why sometimes people are mean to each other. I am not talking about getting angry and in the heat of the moment calling someone an asshole. I am talking about just being truly mean, doing shit to another that would cause something within them to be "crushed"....
Seriously, I always thought that this was a guy doing it to girl thing. I am seriously just trying to understand because there is nothing like this in my nature.
The guy I went out with was sooooooooo nice that I was actually afraid to even see him again (I don't know if I will.) because I am afraid that I WILL hurt him. He really liked me and I get the sense that he will get attached too fast. I just want a friendship with a man just now, nothing more... but that is like the kiss of death for a guy to hear from a girl....
I dunno... it's late and I'm tired and rambling.
Last edited:
Well, I treated my ex sooooo good...because I had always told him I would show him how much I loved him. I gave him back rubs, i hated arguing with him because in my marriage all I did was argue..and I guess I let him win arguments so i wouldnt have to argue with him..I guess I tried too hard..because after 8 months he went back to his ex gf....whom had hit him, threw shit at him.and constantly screamed....and I guess , he is happy with her..maybe I was too nice to him..I dont know, but I do know I tried with this guy and it didnt help....
so from now on
im saying fuck em...im going to do things for ME not anyone else.. Werd you seem like a cool chick, and I think you. like me, have been in a topsy turvy relationship and we got the screwed end of the deal...but we move on.
I spent a weekend with this guy this past weekend, he was so nice, we didnt have sex either..we just went places and did things, and he treated me so nice...but u know what? I still thought about my ex...and thats screwed up...so I think im going to go out with this guy again because..he made me feel like I was worth something and he treated me so good..he opened doors for me, he did some small things that have never been done for me before.and it made me feel so good...so why did i think of the other guy???
I dont know, maybe Im not really ready to date yet..maybe we need to hang out werd lol...and trade stories on how men suck lol
so from now on
im saying fuck em...im going to do things for ME not anyone else.. Werd you seem like a cool chick, and I think you. like me, have been in a topsy turvy relationship and we got the screwed end of the deal...but we move on.
I spent a weekend with this guy this past weekend, he was so nice, we didnt have sex either..we just went places and did things, and he treated me so nice...but u know what? I still thought about my ex...and thats screwed up...so I think im going to go out with this guy again because..he made me feel like I was worth something and he treated me so good..he opened doors for me, he did some small things that have never been done for me before.and it made me feel so good...so why did i think of the other guy???
I dont know, maybe Im not really ready to date yet..maybe we need to hang out werd lol...and trade stories on how men suck lol
Werd
New member
I am all typed out tonite....
I'll give a holla later on. I don't believe all men suck... I just have so much going on and maybe I need to stop beating myself up over the fact that I can't "figure it all out" RIGHT NOW. LOL
SoKlueless - GO OUT WITH THE NICE GUY! DOH!
The jerk who didn't appreciate you, he is where he wants to be. He didn't leave you because of you.... he left you because of HIM.
For me there is a lot of complication, not just the garden variety stuff that most go through... not saying that my shit is any deeper or that it stinks more than anyone else's, just saying that there is an abundance of it anymore and I am trying so hard to figure it all out so that I can do the best I can with what I have...
You all take care of yourselves and have a good night.
I'll give a holla later on. I don't believe all men suck... I just have so much going on and maybe I need to stop beating myself up over the fact that I can't "figure it all out" RIGHT NOW. LOL
SoKlueless - GO OUT WITH THE NICE GUY! DOH!
The jerk who didn't appreciate you, he is where he wants to be. He didn't leave you because of you.... he left you because of HIM.
For me there is a lot of complication, not just the garden variety stuff that most go through... not saying that my shit is any deeper or that it stinks more than anyone else's, just saying that there is an abundance of it anymore and I am trying so hard to figure it all out so that I can do the best I can with what I have...
You all take care of yourselves and have a good night.
J
jenscats5
Guest
Hang in there Werd!! Hopefully, someday, we'll all have the right answers.....
SoKlueless -- it's interesting how liberating it is to take care of yourself instead of someone else.
Once you have yourself figured out.....
SoKlueless -- it's interesting how liberating it is to take care of yourself instead of someone else.
Once you have yourself figured out.....
gingersnap
New member
Guys that treat women poorly usually have low self esteem on some level. Many times they feel empowered and in control by making their girl feel bad about herself. They gain power through weakening others, it's an immature power trip plain and simple.
Remember men are very "warrior" oriented and anyone that is seen as different (females) is on some level seen as the enemy. This has a little to do with it too.
Anyway, that's what I got out of 1 year of therapy in a nutshell, hope it helps.
Remember men are very "warrior" oriented and anyone that is seen as different (females) is on some level seen as the enemy. This has a little to do with it too.
Anyway, that's what I got out of 1 year of therapy in a nutshell, hope it helps.
Puddles
New member
I only dated a few guys before meeting my husband in high school. I treated them all as I wanted to be treated and I still look back fondly at the memories. With the exception of one ex, after we broke up we all remained friends. I couldn't purposely treat someone badly.
I treat my husband like a king and he responds the same way treating me like a queen.
I treat my husband like a king and he responds the same way treating me like a queen.
Yes I've pooped on a few nice guys. I wish I could say I made amens with all of them like Velvett, but with at least one of them I never found the cojones to apologize.
Werd
New member
I just don't have it in me to be mean to a guy... even the motherfuckers that soooooo deserve it. I can honestly say that I never have and I just don't know why... Shouldn't I have been mean to at least one?
I feel like such a wishy washy sap.
I am just not capable of it, never was. And look what it netted me?
I am not saying that I want to be that way, I just can't understand how a guy could be mean and nasty to a girl and vice versa...
I am nearly 37 years old and I am just now truly beginning to stand up for myself.
I feel like such a wuss sometimes.
And everyone wonders why I just stay alone. I have several issues, no doubt and am getting counseling (been off and on for years). Sometimes I just feel like a walking sack of wierd....
I was IM'ing a friend today who was doing stupid shit (being physical even though he knew he was hurt and should take a few days to rest) and was giving him a gentle "take it easy" butt-reaming. In 37 years old NO ONE that "cared about me" ever did that for me. NO ONE - not my mother/father or ex's.... only my kids (once I split from their dad) and my sister. Little realizations like that are so fucking profound.
I don't know how I have managed to live on this earth so long like this....
I have been so busy taking care of everybody else my entire life, I guess I just never learned how to take care of me.
That same friend that I mentioned before - he knows my health issues and he told me when I said I would finally break down and see a doc that he was happy to hear it...
I know that sounds stupid, but just the simple fact that he was kind enough to say that makes me grateful.
God, I hate how pathetic I sound....
I just want so much to understand it all.
Velvett - do me a favor and shoot me your mailing addy again LOL one of these days I swear I will make it to the post office to mail you something that belongs to you.
I feel like such a wishy washy sap.
I am just not capable of it, never was. And look what it netted me?
I am not saying that I want to be that way, I just can't understand how a guy could be mean and nasty to a girl and vice versa...
I am nearly 37 years old and I am just now truly beginning to stand up for myself.
I feel like such a wuss sometimes.
And everyone wonders why I just stay alone. I have several issues, no doubt and am getting counseling (been off and on for years). Sometimes I just feel like a walking sack of wierd....
I was IM'ing a friend today who was doing stupid shit (being physical even though he knew he was hurt and should take a few days to rest) and was giving him a gentle "take it easy" butt-reaming. In 37 years old NO ONE that "cared about me" ever did that for me. NO ONE - not my mother/father or ex's.... only my kids (once I split from their dad) and my sister. Little realizations like that are so fucking profound.
I don't know how I have managed to live on this earth so long like this....
I have been so busy taking care of everybody else my entire life, I guess I just never learned how to take care of me.
That same friend that I mentioned before - he knows my health issues and he told me when I said I would finally break down and see a doc that he was happy to hear it...
I know that sounds stupid, but just the simple fact that he was kind enough to say that makes me grateful.
God, I hate how pathetic I sound....
I just want so much to understand it all.
Velvett - do me a favor and shoot me your mailing addy again LOL one of these days I swear I will make it to the post office to mail you something that belongs to you.
wend
New member
I wasn't as considerate as I could have been when I was young (like 16-18). I wish now I'd taken some of the guys' feelings more into consideration, but I was just clueless. I was never downright mean, but (for example), I sometimes wouldn't let them know that I didn't want to date them again, but would just go out with someone else and let them figure it out. They'd go cry on my brother's shoulder and he'd come and bitch me out about it. I learned that way pretty quickly, actually.
Werd
New member
wend said:
I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17, nearly 21 when hooked up w/my ex and was with him for 13 years so I am pretty much finishing up my adolescence I guess.
I have a really hard time even telling a guy that I am not really interested in going a date with him if he won't take "thanks bu no thanks" for an answer. I know this sounds so stupid, but I have felt pressured into more dates and stayed on dates waaaaaaaaaay longer than I should have because I don't know how to say, "You're really nice, but I am just not interested in dating you." without feeling like I am being a bitch.
I just don't answer their calls and don't return their emails. If a guy doesn't return my second call or email then I figure he is doing the same. I don't get upset about it (especially if we just went out once or just spoke on the phone, etc). I just figure that I wasn't his style and get on with life. No biggie.
Update on the nice guy? He did my taxes, refusing to bill me (which I wish he would) and sent me a dozen chocolate covered strawberries in the mail yesterday. They were boxed as if they were roses. Very nice... But they ALL seem nice in the beginning.
I have had many, many men try to possess me so though the chocolates were nice, I still don't know if I want to go out with him again. Besides I am very busy these days.
wend
New member
Seems like one of those cases where you've just got to follow your gut. Figure out whether a lack of self-esteem is keeping you from believing that you're worth all that niceness, or whether he really is a creep who's trying to make you "owe" him something. Good luck! (BTW, if you asked him to bill you and he refused, even at a discounted rate, that might creep me out a little.)
lil'tangerine
New member
Raina said:
Raina, I've done the same thing...It's unfortunate, but we hopefully learn from the mistakes we make. I have grown up since then and know what it is I want...I've also been dragged through the mud by a couple of guys...which sped up the process. I am the only one that can make ME happy.
B
Bella Michela
Guest
yea it was fun at the time...I'm not proud of it.
I used this guy to write a couple of papers for me in college. Got an A on both of them.
I got a couple tickets in the city one night, this other guy I took for a sucker paid for them.
Alot of guys bought things for me... List goes on and on.
Best part is all I had to do was be nice & smile. Worst part was trying to get rid of them.
I used this guy to write a couple of papers for me in college. Got an A on both of them.
I got a couple tickets in the city one night, this other guy I took for a sucker paid for them.
Alot of guys bought things for me... List goes on and on.
Best part is all I had to do was be nice & smile. Worst part was trying to get rid of them.
There are only 2 guys I have treated badly....one really bad, the other so-so. I didn't take advantage of them, but I did not treat them the way they deserved to be treated.But, most of it was due to emotionally immaturity...not really caring that others had feelings, putting myself above all else. Not that putting yourself first is bad, but not at the expense of others. I was younger and immature.
But on the flip side, I have been mistreated by several men too....verbally, emotionally, even physically. My self-esteem issues actually stem from the emotional abuse I took from an ex. I don't blame any of them though....nobody can shit on you unless you give them permission. I let my immaturity and emotional issues (abandonment) blind me to their problems.
I see a balance here......I was mistreated, to then I mistreated others. Must be the Libra in me...always seeking a balance.
I have never taken advantage of anyone, male or female. I would never use someone to get what I want simply for selfish purposes. To me, that is manipulative.
But on the flip side, I have been mistreated by several men too....verbally, emotionally, even physically. My self-esteem issues actually stem from the emotional abuse I took from an ex. I don't blame any of them though....nobody can shit on you unless you give them permission. I let my immaturity and emotional issues (abandonment) blind me to their problems.
I see a balance here......I was mistreated, to then I mistreated others. Must be the Libra in me...always seeking a balance.
I have never taken advantage of anyone, male or female. I would never use someone to get what I want simply for selfish purposes. To me, that is manipulative.
Werd
New member
I am in a position to REALLY use a guy... he is BEGGING to be used. But I can't do it. On the one hand, he is such a nice guy, but he came off so needy that I got scared away. He is not really my type, but not bad to look at, is a successful accountant - WILL NOT GO AWAY and since I am not busy with anyone else (nor do I want to be really).... He WANTS to "help" me and I am sooooooooo in a position where I need it. But I don't want to be his girlfriend...
I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend.
I totally blew him off about a month ago and he just emailed me again the other day.
My "guy" meter is sooooo off (has been since I was old enough to know "what" guys were) LOL. I have given so many total abusive assholes so many fucking chances... what could be the harm in giving this guy another one? He whigged me a little last month, but he didn't come around or call, just sent me a few emails where he seemed a little "out there". As long as I am upfront (which I have been from the word go) then it isn't like I am really treating him badly.... is it?
Gosh, I hate that I can't figure the most basic relationship shit out. I feel like I really am 17... It depresses the hell out of me. Either I go on gobs of ONE-time-only dates or I end up developing feelings for assholes (or just guys that I should have them for).
Somebody just fucking shoot me already and put me out of my misery.
I'm a fucking grown woman, yet I am TOTALLY retarded about the most basic shit.
I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend.
I totally blew him off about a month ago and he just emailed me again the other day.
My "guy" meter is sooooo off (has been since I was old enough to know "what" guys were) LOL. I have given so many total abusive assholes so many fucking chances... what could be the harm in giving this guy another one? He whigged me a little last month, but he didn't come around or call, just sent me a few emails where he seemed a little "out there". As long as I am upfront (which I have been from the word go) then it isn't like I am really treating him badly.... is it?
Gosh, I hate that I can't figure the most basic relationship shit out. I feel like I really am 17... It depresses the hell out of me. Either I go on gobs of ONE-time-only dates or I end up developing feelings for assholes (or just guys that I should have them for).
Somebody just fucking shoot me already and put me out of my misery.
I'm a fucking grown woman, yet I am TOTALLY retarded about the most basic shit.
I realize I'm running the risk of sounding snotty here but I hope you guys who are more familiar with me will realize that isnt the case at all.
I think if your looks are such that a lot of dudes are jocking you then you are more likely to screw over some of them. You can get flaky on them, not really consider their feelings, use them a bit. With me personally I got a big ass head for a few years when I "blossomed" (sounds gay, sorry) and all of a sudden I had mass quantities of dudes buzzing around. I know there was a period of time when I seriously did not really consider guys feelings much. I had to learn that guys can become every bit as emotionally attached as a girl (even though they deny it) and in a pretty short period of time.
I just turned 21 last week and I like to think I'm WAAAAY more mature than I was even 3 years ago. So many things I used to do I avoid now. Just one little example is not sending pics to guys over the Internet which I used to run wide doing. Apart from attracting crazy stalker freaks it just sent the wrong message. I'm reminding of the flirting thread I posted on in the "player's forum" and how irresponsible it can be.
Man I could go on for a while. I gotta cut myself now before I bore everyone. LOL.
I think if your looks are such that a lot of dudes are jocking you then you are more likely to screw over some of them. You can get flaky on them, not really consider their feelings, use them a bit. With me personally I got a big ass head for a few years when I "blossomed" (sounds gay, sorry) and all of a sudden I had mass quantities of dudes buzzing around. I know there was a period of time when I seriously did not really consider guys feelings much. I had to learn that guys can become every bit as emotionally attached as a girl (even though they deny it) and in a pretty short period of time.
I just turned 21 last week and I like to think I'm WAAAAY more mature than I was even 3 years ago. So many things I used to do I avoid now. Just one little example is not sending pics to guys over the Internet which I used to run wide doing. Apart from attracting crazy stalker freaks it just sent the wrong message. I'm reminding of the flirting thread I posted on in the "player's forum" and how irresponsible it can be.
Man I could go on for a while. I gotta cut myself now before I bore everyone. LOL.
Werd
New member
Not bored at all... Seriously, I am closer to 40 than 30 but because I have so little relationship experience (know EXACTLY how to be a wife - but no clue on the girlfriend thing) I feel like a total dork when it comes to this shit.
I feel like an idiot... God, I hate being like this. WTF is my problem?
I feel like an idiot... God, I hate being like this. WTF is my problem?
Werd said:
No it is not. End of story. Now stop mind fucking yourself over that.
And why KEEP going out on single dates with dudes? Hell do it for the next 5 fricking years...what's the rush? Have fun, be causual. Keep laying it down for every dude. Like "I am not looking for a relationship now, if that's what you want then keep stepping homie, I do not play games AT ALL, if I even suspect you're starting anything like that you wont be hearing from me ever again".
And STOP rushing yourself. You know how to be a wife because you learned how to be a wife. You'll learn how to be a girlfriend eventually but there's no need to even worry about that now.
Werd said:
Says who? Where's that written?
Seriously you say stuff like that a lot I noticed. Your ass must be black and blue from all the times you kicked it yourself.
Werd
New member
anya said:Says who? Where's that written?
Seriously you say stuff like that a lot I noticed. Your ass must be black and blue from all the times you kicked it yourself.
I swear to God it is... funny thing, my ex only beat me once. I guess he was too busy waiting in line behind me...
I just fuck up so damned much... I HATE that about me. I just want so much to make things right and I don't know how. I am their mother.. I am supposed to have ALL the answers and all I do is fuck shit up.
Sorry, I am not feeling too good right now... really bad mental state.
wend
New member
Werd, I hope you're in a better mental place now.
I'm a mother too. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have that many.
What it takes to be a good mother is to love your children and do your best. I get the feeling that you're doing that already. Everyone makes mistakes. If you keep on trying instead of giving up, then you haven't failed.
Don't try to be a perfect parent. There's no such thing, and their childhood will pass in a blur of self-recrimination. Just try to be a good-enough parent. It's all we can do, and it's all they need.
I'm a mother too. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have that many.
What it takes to be a good mother is to love your children and do your best. I get the feeling that you're doing that already. Everyone makes mistakes. If you keep on trying instead of giving up, then you haven't failed.
Don't try to be a perfect parent. There's no such thing, and their childhood will pass in a blur of self-recrimination. Just try to be a good-enough parent. It's all we can do, and it's all they need.
J
jenscats5
Guest
Werd said:I swear to God it is... funny thing, my ex only beat me once. I guess he was too busy waiting in line behind me...
I just fuck up so damned much... I HATE that about me. I just want so much to make things right and I don't know how. I am their mother.. I am supposed to have ALL the answers and all I do is fuck shit up.
Sorry, I am not feeling too good right now... really bad mental state.
Ummm, I don't want to sound like a jerk since I don't know you all that well, but if I was having a problem like this (or any of us) would you talk to any of us or me that way????? No you sure as heck would not!! You'd be supportive, etc.....
Well then why do you treat yourself that way?? Life, parenting, relationships are all a continuous journey & like fitness, not a destination! You don't one day wake up & get a medal for good parenting, wife-dom, etc.....and my therapist after I divorced when I complained that it wasn't fair, told me that life isn't fair. Plus she also said that you just keep trying till you get it right. But who is there to tell you if you get it right or not??
I'm sorry that you are in a bad place & I'm glad you are getting support here -- but you need to STOP beating yourself up!! If you wouldn't talk to your kids that way then why do you feel you should treat yourself that way??
Good Luck to ya!! Hang in there! It'll all get better someday......some day......
Werd
New member
You know, just last week 3 people told me that I have to "stop apologizing" - first this board, then my therapist, then my boss at work (who is also a friend).
Someone at work did something rude and all but called me an idiot for an obvious mistake I'd made. I quite calmy but FIRMLY emailed him back that I wasn't going to take his bullshit... I know it sounds lame, but I was REALLY proud of myself. I work for a company that has 700 employees in 3 offices WORLDWIDE and also deals with contractors around the US but am expected to be the personal assistant TO THEM ALL. Though I genuinely enjoy 99% of my coworkers this company is experiencing SERIOUS growing pains.
Here it is:
Silly me…. Yes, you are correct. Perhaps if I wasn’t constantly interrupted by all sorts of requests many of which only give half information from within the ENTIRE company, not to mention this rather noisy phone that is my TOTAL responsibility to attend to regardless of what I have on my desk… I would NEVER make such a ridiculous mistake.
Thankfully though, I work with people who don’t yell at me when I make mistakes. Makes for a much nicer working environment…. Don’t you agree?
I will email and cc: all interested parties as soon as I complete this reservation (that I never was made aware of before a few hours ago that was my responsibility to make to begin with).
*******
I was totally professional, but got my point across I think.
You guys are right... And I have gotten a lot better about stuff. Meaning, I have finally internally reconciled with a lot of difficult choices that I have made over the past few years - specifically in regards to my marriage and children. I chose VERY odd paths and because of this I have been subject to an unbelievable amount of judging - I tend to accpet blame and apologize even for the weather for heaven's sake, so this made things even worse for me. Now the only thing left is for me to have a very VERY long overdue honest heart-to-heart with my kids to help them to understand THE TRUTH - not the garbage lies that their father and his family have been drilling into them.
I just have to continue to surround myself with positive people and positive situations until I am strong enough to effectively IGNORE the negatives - not let them knock me back to square one.
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words.
Someone at work did something rude and all but called me an idiot for an obvious mistake I'd made. I quite calmy but FIRMLY emailed him back that I wasn't going to take his bullshit... I know it sounds lame, but I was REALLY proud of myself. I work for a company that has 700 employees in 3 offices WORLDWIDE and also deals with contractors around the US but am expected to be the personal assistant TO THEM ALL. Though I genuinely enjoy 99% of my coworkers this company is experiencing SERIOUS growing pains.
Here it is:
Silly me…. Yes, you are correct. Perhaps if I wasn’t constantly interrupted by all sorts of requests many of which only give half information from within the ENTIRE company, not to mention this rather noisy phone that is my TOTAL responsibility to attend to regardless of what I have on my desk… I would NEVER make such a ridiculous mistake.
Thankfully though, I work with people who don’t yell at me when I make mistakes. Makes for a much nicer working environment…. Don’t you agree?
I will email and cc: all interested parties as soon as I complete this reservation (that I never was made aware of before a few hours ago that was my responsibility to make to begin with).
*******
I was totally professional, but got my point across I think.
You guys are right... And I have gotten a lot better about stuff. Meaning, I have finally internally reconciled with a lot of difficult choices that I have made over the past few years - specifically in regards to my marriage and children. I chose VERY odd paths and because of this I have been subject to an unbelievable amount of judging - I tend to accpet blame and apologize even for the weather for heaven's sake, so this made things even worse for me. Now the only thing left is for me to have a very VERY long overdue honest heart-to-heart with my kids to help them to understand THE TRUTH - not the garbage lies that their father and his family have been drilling into them.
I just have to continue to surround myself with positive people and positive situations until I am strong enough to effectively IGNORE the negatives - not let them knock me back to square one.
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words.
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